Insecurity

I've legitimately sat here with this blog post titled, having written nothing in the body, for pretty much the whole day. Every time I sit down and want to write, I just have no idea how to put these feelings into words in a way that doesn't just sound trivial, or petty, or insignificant. And I don't know, maybe it really is those things. But I guess I'll give it a shot. 

As much as I'd like to say I'm comfortable with and know myself, it's not true. I'm absolutely, sincerely, completely insecure with who I am. A lot of the time, I feel like I can't do anything well, and even when I can, someone else could have done it a lot better. There are so many ways in which I could be a better person. And even though everyone can always improve themselves, for me, it's more a feeling of no matter how hard I try, I'll never be even half as decent as the people around me. It surprises me when I get elected to positions. Most of the things of which I'm proud are small achievements, because I never feel like I truly earned the big ones. And even with the smaller ones, I often feel like there's no justification in being proud of those. 

And people always tell me I'm humble, but I really can't see it that way. I really don't think it's true. There's a difference between humility and insecurity, right? In a way, humility is a strength and insecurity is a weakness. "Even low self-esteem is self-centeredness." And it's true. My insecurity makes me think of things in relation to me. People are always better than me, I could have always done something different, I was responsible. It's all about me. And rather than appreciate what I do have, I'm ungrateful and selfish, and try to reject it, because I feel as though I don't deserve it. And I really don't, and I know that, but I can't accept it. 

There are so many more people out there who are better than me. It's hard for me to see why or how I'm special, because I truly, earnestly, don't believe that I am. It's so hard for me to see what other people say they see in me. Sometimes it's hard to see why anyone would even want me as a friend. Why they would be proud or happy to know me. It's hard for me to understand why anyone would pick me over someone else. And it's hard for me to stop thinking that they'll leave even when they do.