Invading Cal High!

Went to visit with Pikatu today! Mr. White wasn't there though... Bit of a bummer. I'll probably go again tomorrow to make up for that haha. Hopefully he'll be there... Visited most of my other teachers, took lots of pictures. I do miss high school in some capacity...

Meandered on over to the mall afterward. Eric needed lots of business casual wear for his marketing internship this summer. Guy's going to look sharp! Grabbed lunch first at CPK then off to dress him up! Haha, did a bit of shopping myself and got a few dresses to complement his spiffy clothes buying. =P

Rather exhausted today, not sure why (I honestly haven't done much) but I'm headed off to pray, read, then sleep. Moving into my apartment this weekend! Hope everything goes well!

By the grace of God, I am what I am.

The First 25

I'm honestly dumbfounded. I don't even know what to say - maybe a picture would be better.

Yup. Roses. FedEx delivered 25 long-stemmed white roses to my door. And from who other than the absolutely amazing Matthew Wang? I can't even phrase these feelings into words. I just want to show you off to the world, tell everyone about you and how wonderful you are and how amazingly in love with you I am.

I've been so insanely, unfairly blessed. You remember all of the little things. Random comments I make and stupid things I say and do. I mentioned that I had never gotten flowers before; you decided to claim the first 25. I jokingly dared you to be charming with code; you wrote a program filled with love and memories. What can I even say that would ever get close to how I feel about you, and how special you make me feel? Words are an obstacle. I honestly just don't even know. You're so filled with grace and compassion and love.

Matthew dear, you are ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. And I'm ridiculously in love with you. Helplessly, wholeheartedly, absolutely.

And today I've seen grace in the hands of humankind.

Here's to Life as an Adult!

I had the most amazing birthday. Nothing extremely spectacular per se, but just wonderful.

Woke up to this status from the sweetest guy.

Went to the library and checked out The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller - the man has a gift of words. Just the way he writes... And the knowledge that he brings out... It's great. 

Grabbed lunch with my parents at Tomi Sushi and Seafood Buffet, and did some shopping afterward. Got a few random things that I'll have to sort through tomorrow, plus quite a few ties. ;D

Bought a cake and some boba! Got to Skype with Matt afterward too, which is always amazing. Opened part II of his present as well, since apparently part I has been delayed. Such a nerd but he's so amazing, and remembers all of the little things about me and the random comments I make, even when I don't. I honestly don't know what to say about him. I've sincerely been so blessed to have him in my life.

Had a pretty chill dinner and cake-eating fest at home after. Called Matt and honestly just read and relaxed while having him on the line for about two and a half hours. Took *lots* of pictures with the cake haha. (What can I say, it's pretty!)

I honestly can't believe that I'm legally an adult now. It's just so insane - I don't at all feel responsible enough, wise enough, *old* (haha) enough to be considered an adult. Just wow. How the years have flown by... But it's been a wonderful journey with the best of people, and here's to the rest of this adventure, as an adult I legally am, or the kid I'll always be!

Art & Wind

Hung out at the Art and Wind Festival with Ross, Peter, and Giulio! Ran into Will and basically just meandered around the place for about an hour. It was super fun just seeing them again and catching up with them. (Lots of short jokes were made in that hour, most of them by Will.)

Got In-N-Out for lunch (yay yum) and chilled at my house for a bit until it was time to catch Gatsby.

Was a decent movie - pretty spectacular in terms of graphics and such, but it dumbed down the book a LOT and didn't have nearly as much meaning (or really any meaning haha). Was still enjoyable though, and a fun movie to watch.

Hung out at Barnes and Noble by myself for a bit afterward, bought myself a (rather pretty) Bible as an early birthday present. =] Strolled the bookshelves, read a little bit of "And the Mountains Echoed" by Khaled Hosseini (no idea he had a new book out!).

Mom took me to practice driving in the empty IHMS parking lot haha. I can now competently drive in straight lines, change lanes, make left turns (not necessarily right ones), park, and back out of a parking space! Apparently I'm not as bad of a driver as she thought I would be! (And that most of you undoubtedly think I am haha.) One (tiny) step closer to getting my license!

Planning on making a trip to the library tomorrow, and maybe grabbing lunch at a buffet with my parents. =]

"It's like you went off to college and came back religious."

Yes, yes I did. And I will proudly say that it's the best thing, and will remain the best thing, to happen to me at Princeton.

Matthew Hau-Wei Wang

When did that name start meaning so much to me? I could write this on our personal blog, but I want everyone to know about you. I want to tell everyone how much I love you and how wonderful of a friend you’ve been to me. How you’ve helped me through some of the darkest periods of my life and cheered me up, how you’ve shared in my joy. I want them to know about your enthusiasm and passion and love.

I met you at Preview approximately a year and a month ago. You were the guy who missed his train, who had the crazy hair, who scraped orange peels into the silverware disposal and made some questionable comments to people at Night Market. (Wow, you sound pretty lame. =P) The guy who came with me to sit in on a neuroscience lecture, who had his birthday while at Princeton, who tried to do handstands with Sympoh, who had already committed and made it known that Princeton was the only Ivy to which he got accepted. You were one of the people I without a doubt wanted to keep in contact with when I came to Princeton, though I did a pretty poor job of it over the summer and during the first few months. 

But after those few months. You made sure I felt at home in your hallway and invited me to hang out with some of the best people I’ve met at Princeton. You watched meteor showers with me lying in Poe Field. We had our minds completely blown by Memento at 5am. You came over to comfort me after hellish orgo tests, and walked around campus trying to find me since I was hiding under my bed and nobody noticed. You were there for me when I cried: over tests, over friends, over relationship problems. You brought me to PEF and introduced me to God. 

And you love me. You sang me a song and brought me brownies and flowers on Valentine’s. You walk me back from Forbes nearly every night even though I’m perfectly capable of getting back myself. You write cheesy notes and leave me little encouragements. You tease me mercilessly and I tease you even more. You draw watermelons all over my whiteboard and plan birthday gatherings for me. You hold my hand and are always there whenever I need you. You love me as best as you can, and always want to be better at it. 

You’re such a passionate and loving person. You’re always there to cheer someone up, to joke around and share a smile and a laugh. Some of my best memories just involve you singing and laughing and loving life. You never fail to help when you can, and you’re always trying to be a better person in every way. You’re incredibly genuine and humble. You have the sweetest smile and the most expressive eyes. 

I love how you can always make fun of yourself, and use it to make others laugh. I love how you play with Kira and Michaela and how well you get along with kids. I love how you act like a little kid yourself sometimes, with your enthusiasm and energy. I love how you want to share your love for God. I love how you always tell me stories about your friends and want me to meet them. I love your inability to fold sweatshirts and constant forgetfulness. I love how you don’t let little things bother you, and how you want to help others see the big picture too. I love the way my hand fits in yours and how you treat me like a princess even though I’m nowhere close to being one. 

I’m leaving my heart with you this summer Matt. Words can’t describe how I feel about you, or who you are. I suppose I’ll just have to show you off to my friends whenever you come over to visit. =] 

I love you.

From One Home to Another

An absolutely amazing last day in Princeton. Actually ended up staying over at Forbes – helped Matt pack until about 4-5am, realized I left my prox back in Wilson, and didn’t want to walk back in the rain and risk my roommates not being awake. Different experience waking up not in my bed haha. Ran another box to store with OA (thanks Kathryn!) and did some last minute cleaning/packing. 

Got lunch at Shanghai Park with Matt’s family, a few of his family friends, Frank and Lawrence. I didn’t realize how much I missed Matt’s family, which might seem like a weird thing to say, but they’re such wonderful people. =] Matt got to practice his Orange Key skills giving a mini-tour of campus, which was a pretty nice way to spend my last day there. 

Ended up being a bit late to the airport so goodbyes were a little rushed and rather sad. Also managed to lose my California State ID somewhere in Newark – hopefully someone found it and will mail it to me? Could have been worse though – IDs are easily replaceable. Thanks a ton to Matt’s family again for giving me a ride to the airport. =] Lugging around my bags on public transit would have been a bit of a pain. The transfer went well too – made it just in time.

Oh home. Home is where the heart is right? I definitely have a home on both coasts… It was so amazingly hard to hold back the tears saying goodbye to everyone. I really can’t say enough how amazing of an experience Princeton has been. I was telling the lady sitting next to me about college and I honestly had tears welling up in my eyes. 

And speaking of that, I spent the first few hours of my first flight choking back tears and not succeeding. I actually ended up crying so much between thinking about Princeton and the people there, and reading “The Fault in Our Stars” that a girl sitting in my row gave me a tissue. Honestly, I just… My heart’s a little broken having to leave everyone.

***

There really isn’t enough that I can say about Princeton, and almost everything I can would be cliché. I suppose I’ll try for a short summary though. 

I could talk for days about my year and still have more to say. I’ve found so many things to do at Princeton, in terms of places to go to hang out, activities to be involved in, events to go to… I’ve found my friends and my life companions. I’ve found joy and happiness and peace. I’ve found God, or rather He found me. I’ve found myself. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’m working to be a better person, and everything that has happened to me this year has helped me do so. 

Classes were hard; they were stressful and made me feel incredibly overwhelmed at times. But they were also enlightening and fun to an extent. I learned so much, more than I ever did, and I was challenged in all areas of study. And though my grades are nowhere near as good as they were in high school, and my GPA doesn’t stand a chance against my friends’, I wouldn’t give up the academic and intellectual stimulation that I get at Princeton. 

And it’s not just classes – the people there are all so incredibly passionate and nerdy. I make so many geeky jokes and so does everyone else. We bond over science puns and wordplay, we play math and pattern-finding games… It’s so comfortable. 

The people. Oh where do I even start. I just can’t. Not here. Each person deserves their own message, and hopefully I’ll get to those in a reasonable fashion. And even people I don’t hang out with – everyone is so willing to help: the students, faculty, staff… People are incredibly kind, and I couldn’t ask for a better community. 

Princeton. The Orange Bubble. It’s no less home than San Ramon.

Three Days

Three more days until I'm back home in California. And while I'm ridiculously excited to see my friends and family again, and to be working at Amgen, I'm also a bit sad and rather anxious. Partially because I'm nervous for Amgen, but mainly just leaving Princeton.

This place has been my life for essentially the past nine months. 1938 is my home, Frist and Wilcox are hangout places... I know campus better than I know, and probably will ever know, San Ramon. I've lived with the people here, eaten with them, had so many first experiences... It's become comfortable. It's what I know and love. And it'll undoubtedly be nice to be home, to go bowling with friends and chill at Madfish/Yogurtland... But it will also be weird after a while.

What do I do without Princeton for three months? What do I do without you?

Have fun, I guess.

PDF

I've discovered how little PDF-ing a class means to me right now. Honestly, the only difference is that I feel much more at ease. But I'm actually unable to just not care or care minimally. People keep telling me that I don't need to study. That I'm essentially done, and even I tell myself that. But I'm not, not really.

It's always been a bit of a problem, if we want to call it that. I try pretty hard on a lot of things that don't necessarily matter, or that wouldn't make a difference. It makes it almost impossible for me to skip "less important" classes to study for a "more important" one. It's hard for me to accept that I just won't care about a class that doesn't really matter for me in terms of my major or career, to allocate all of the time I would have otherwise spent on said class on one which is more relevant.

I mean, a C is an A in terms of PDF, but I just can't bring myself to just get a C, or to go in expecting to get the minimum. Actually, I can't go in expecting to do any less than my best. It just seems disrespectful and... wrong in a way. To just not worry about a class because it won't factor in your GPA, or because you're probably going to get an acceptable score even if you don't study. And no matter what I say about being able to get a D and pass, I'm not going to get a D. And it changes things in the sense that I won't prioritize this class over my other classes, and I am fairly confident in my ability to pass the class, but I don't go in wanting to pass. I go in wanting to do well.

It won't "make a difference" if I get a C in terms of my GPA, or how others perceive me, but it makes a difference to me. Should I not try my hardest in everything I do?

Ideals

I've had people tell me I forgive too easily, that they admire me for my inability to hold a grudge, that they're awed by the fact that I've never actually hated anyone. And I do try to forgive whenever I can, which is always; we all make mistakes. We're all sinners.

But I realize that what makes it easier for me is my hope in the human race. We're not perfect; we never have and never will be. But I like to think that we strive to attain perfection. That every individual wants to become a better person. And I have faith in God, that He is helping us in our pursuits of holiness.

But is that naive? Is that too idealistic of me? Should I instead just be realizing that some humans have no desire to change? Is this idea that all people desire to become better people in a way compromising my forgiveness? I forgive because I want to believe that all people, even though they may not be "good" people, want to become better. But even when I know wholeheartedly that a person refuses to change, I should still forgive. Is my forgiveness grounded in a false idea?

At the same time, it's hard for me to believe that *all* people want to become better, especially when they seem to show no remorse for their sins, and continue to sin repeatedly. Do I really believe that these people want to become better? Honestly, even though I want to believe that's true, I'm not really sure. The answer is probably no. It's also definitely harder for me to forgive when the sins are directed towards other people, as opposed to me.

In what is my forgiveness grounded? Do I need a reason?

Temptations

The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.

Matthew 25:41

Oh God, please help me help myself and all those around me in our pursuit of righteousness. There is so much I have yet to learn. I desire so strongly to glorify You through my actions, but what is in the mind is nothing if it cannot be realized. I pray that you'll strengthen me, and sustain me, because all I need I have in You. Help me rid myself of my worldly desires and wishes of the flesh, and to take hold of the eternal life. I am nothing without You; my weakness is Your strength.

Lord, please give me the strength to do what is right for Your glory. Give me Your will and make it my own.

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

1 Corinthians 10:13

In Return

I love to do things for other people. When I have time, I just like helping out, making their hectic lives a bit easier, maybe bringing some happiness into an otherwise stressful and frustrating day. It makes me happy to help others. I do what I can.

And I like to say that I expect nothing in return, but I suppose that's not completely accurate. I don't *expect* anything, no, but I hope for things. I don't hope that people randomly do nice things for me, though many people do and it's much appreciated. But I do hope that when I ask for things from people, that maybe my request will be fulfilled. And though oftentimes they are, sometimes they aren't, usually with regards to the same people. In a sense, it makes me sad that they aren't as willing to help me as I once was to help them. That "if you can" means "I can" to me but "I don't have time" to them. That when I hear "if you *really* want," I see "I'd really rather you not," but they see "go ahead." And I don't hold any ill sentiment when that happens, but I definitely do get discouraged.

And I honestly shouldn't. No one is obligated to do anything for me, as I'm not obligated to do anything for anyone else. I do it because I want to, and therefore if they don't want to, I shouldn't feel as though I was entitled to anything. And I have so many friends who are so remarkably generous and amazing, regardless of the few who tend to not be as obvious or spontaneous in their shows of love. Who am I to judge? I don't know what's going on in their lives. And I have no doubt that all of my friends would help if I really needed it - if I made it clear that it was a big concern as opposed to a small favor or task. Who am I to complain? I'm remarkably blessed as it stands.

Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to.

Deuteronomy 15:10

Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.

Luke 6:30

Here Come the Grades!

As I anticipated, didn't do too well on orgo. Ah well, it's over with. Not sure what it translates to in terms of letter grade but I suppose that's that.

COS comes out by Monday/Tuesday. Meep. I suppose I'll hope?

Meanwhile I'll be taking my econ final then... And cramming for politics. At least I just need to *pass* politics. That shouldn't be too hard... Hopefully.

***

Late night study sessions with Kathryn, Matt, and Hanselizabeth (=P) are the best. Fluxx study breaks, music in the backgrounds and tons of jokes/snarkiness. It almost makes studying fun.

The people here are honestly the best. And honestly, it's amazing that I'm able to go to Princeton, to have such amazing friends, be as privileged as I am... Not to mention I'm insanely excited for this summer! So many Tigers in the Bay, not to mention working at Amgen! No matter how the next week turns out, I'm so amazingly blessed. ♥

Peace

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

Getting through finals week! Honestly it's been amazing stressful, I've felt completely lost and more than unprepared. Angry at myself for not being ready, disappointed that I can't bring myself to study as hard as I feel I should. But throughout it all, I've also felt strangely (or perhaps not so strangely) at peace. Even when I'm marking my practice tests with red, strewing eraser shreds across my desk... I've had this feeling of calm within me. Even when I'm about to cry and I'm stressed beyond belief, that deep part of me knows that everything will be okay.

And I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that it is because of Him. Even during the exams, when I'm absolutely mentally exhausted, fully realize the extent to which I have somehow failed to learn the material... I feel Him with me. I'm able to look around the room, look at the clock ticking down to the half-hour-left mark, sit there with multiple problems not even started, and just marvel. Marvel at life, at the magnitude of intelligence in the room, at being able to be at Princeton and have the privilege of failing a test here. It's absolutely amazing.

I have yet to get through two finals, and get my grades back, which may be atrocious. And I may (probably will) take it pretty badly. But it's okay.

I am not defined by my grades. My worth is more than a letter or a number.

Stress

My personality "changes" when I'm stressed - stress brings out the worst in me. I suppose it's not that much of a surprise - it happens to everyone right? But that's just not okay.

I don't want stress to be a justification. It's not an excuse for me to be short-tempered, for me to be a downer when people are having fun. It isn't an excuse for me to be snarky (more than usual, at least), rude, unwilling to help. Yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I have tests and I feel absolutely lost. But everyone else has their trials as well. Mine are no reason for me to be reluctant to help with theirs, or worse, to aggravate them.

I've noticed that I can be a horrible friend, a horrible person, when I'm stressed and worried, and caught up in my own troubles. When normally I would be willing to help without a second thought, I find myself thinking about my own problems and placing them over others'. I pray that God will help me change this, because stressed me should be no worse of a person than I am normally. My friends, and just everyone who chances to meet me, deserve more than that from me.

This time I know it will be different, because He is with me.

Hard Worker == Good GPA?

I've learned to not get involved in conversations that don't concern me. But I still haven't learned to not care - and honestly, I don't think I want to.

"I never said that GPA was a perfect indicator of future success or even close to one, but that an employer would have more reason to trust an applicant has a history of working hard for good grades over one who does not."

I see one flaw in this - it assumes that every person with a high GPA works hard for his/her grades, and every person who works hard has a high GPA. Admittedly, the first is easier to argue than the second, so I guess I'll start there.

Some people get near-perfect grades with minimum effort. Honestly, I was probably one of those people in high school, or could have been had I been able to tone down my perfectionist tendencies. I know people like that here at Princeton still. Naturally gifted, talented, smart, genius... Call them what you will - the idea is that they simply don't have to try as hard as most people to get the same grades. And some barely need to try at all. And yet, their grades are often still much higher than the general population. They're smart, yes, and they undoubtedly work, and might even work hard, but working hard is not a "prerequisite" for good grades, not for them. Their stellar grades may not represent a stellar work ethic.

As for the flip side, that working hard doesn't necessarily lead to good grades, it's much more difficult to come up with examples. Partially because we humans are so unwilling to give up control, and admit that no matter what we do, sometimes there's nothing we *can* do. It's much easier to say that someone gets good grades because they're just smart, and to encourage everyone by saying that if you work hard, you can achieve the same level of success. One can always argue that if you work hard enough, you'll get the grades you want. And if you don't, then you're not working hard enough. No one wants to hear that no matter how hard you work, sorry, you're not going to do well. But just because you log countless hours and do hundreds of practice problems and dozens of practice tests still doesn't mean you'll get good grades. It might just not click for you. People who spend hours upon hours may still be just average, or even more unfortunately, fall behind. And though there isn't really a way to show that this is true - one can always "work harder" and get less sleep, socialize less, make their grades the center of their world - I think it is reasonable to say that while hard work and perseverance always pay off (in terms of work ethic, determination, etc), this pay-off might not always be in terms of grades.

While there is definitely a correlation between working hard and good grades, I think GPA is essentially a more accurate measure of comprehension of the material, and not how hard someone works, and thus a more apt statement would have been "an employer would have more reason to trust an applicant who has a history of understanding, and being able to apply, the material needed for the job well."

And Down it Goes...

-talking about news apps-
Matt: Well Flipboard's really really good; I have that. And New York Times too.
Me: You know, everything he says just sounds more credible since he's all dressed up with a tie and everything...
Kathryn: Yeah, I can see that.
Matt: So if I shove this piece of chicken here by the pork chop, and put sauce over it - actually these onions work better - it looks just like a big piece of pork chop!

Happy Mother's Day! ♥

I don't have to like you to love you.

Evaluating Success

Kathryn, Elizabeth, Matt, Hansen, and I had a pretty awesome conversation tonight, in the wake of Hansen's "surprise" birthday party. Pretty awesome, tons of really funny OA stories, high school stories, random jokes and thoughts about teachers. One thing really stuck with me though, and that was when we were talking about essentially how accomplished all of our peers were, and in the eyes of each one of us, the others in the room are.

It might just be a personal opinion/view, but when I say people scare me in reference to their accomplishments and successes, I mean it in such a way that I don't believe I could ever achieve what they have. And honestly, I was legitimately surprised - shocked, stunned - when Hansen said that I scared him, and the others agreed. And maybe he didn't mean it the same way I did, but that's how I interpreted it.

People have told me that I have a really strong double standard. I tend to think that my accomplishments are a result of luck/chance, and I really am not worthy of the successes I've been awarded, but that other people's abilities are what allow them to achieve so much. And in a way, it seems as though most of the world operates on the opposite double standard.

It was just stunning to me that people thought I has accomplished enough, or was talented/driven/etc enough to be "scary." I honestly don't think I'm that special. I don't deserve all that I've been given. I'm not worthy of all these blessings. It was just so interesting to see what seems to be a disjoint between what others think of me, and my own perceptions.

***

On another note, rock climbing was tons of fun. No arm muscle whatsoever - only made it up the wall once, though I got within a few feet two more times before my arms just sort of gave out.

Trying to get Hansen back to Forbes...
Me: "Hey Hansen, I'm just going to drop by my room and grab you some ramen, then head over to Forbes with you. I should say hi to Matt anyways."
Elizabeth: "Yeah, and I left some of my music stuff in Paul's room. Like a study guide. I really need it or else I can't do any studying."

Monica's profound statements. "Monica out."

OA Command's going to be so much fun - I really hope we get to manage the area that Hansen's in. =]

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love." 1 Corinthians 16:13-14

Gattaca

Watched Gattaca with Matt yesterday night. =] Also played a bit of pool beforehand, in which I absolutely sucked, but got off some insanely lucky ridiculously hilarious shots. Like sinking two solids on the break, then sinking two more on the same shot later that same game. 

Best moment of the night - A certain pair of people walked in during our movie. Actually absolutely hilarious and amazing, and it made my week.

Love

And I realize I had a slight mistake in saying that there's too much of a good thing. I can never love my brothers and sisters too much. The solution isn't to love humankind less, it's to love Him more.

"To Repair with Gold"

I've definitely posted this before, but I feel like it has a new meaning now. Before, it seemed like a nice thought and way to approach difficulties in life. Now, I know God does this with each and every one of us.

I just realized that if I ever get a personalized license plate, TSAICHU fits perfectly.

Transparency

In eighth grade, I started this blog with the intention of it being a journal. And it really has been, for the most part. But I've discovered that little by little, as I realize how many of my friends read what I write, and base how they think I'm doing or what they know about me upon my posts, I've in a way been censoring them. I've gone through more than my eighth grade self could have imagined, and I've been slightly uncomfortable logging all of my struggles or triumphs or otherwise because I know that my parents, friends, mentors, etc may read them. I've been refraining from saying some things that may seem petty, or from posting things that are controversial, or from showing what I'm truly struggling through for fear of people knowing. I've spent a long time suppressing my feelings, my insecurities, my doubts, my fears because I'm afraid of people asking and feeling sorry for me. But I don't want to hide anymore. 

So from now on, I'm going to try to write truthfully, and give a truly accurate depiction of what I'm going through. I'm going to try to be less obscure, and more blunt. It will take time, and I ask that all of you who read my blog to please be patient with me, to help me through this, and to not make a big deal out of what may seem like very concerning thoughts at times. I want to make this blog what I intended it to be, so sometimes my posts will seem concerning, and I just ask that you take it with a grain of salt, and to not treat me differently or make things I say a valuation of who I am. When things get tough, instead of reading those posts as a cry for help or a call for attention, please see them as trusting you to witness my healing process. And when things are going well and I'm happy, please don't read my posts as fishing for praise or compliments, but just as me wanting to share my joy with you. And while some things may still be unsaid, I really do want to try to open up a little more. And while it might, in a sense, be easier just for me to make this private, as a real written journal would be, I think it's about time that I stopped trying to hide parts of me.

"Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry." 1 Corinthians 10:14

Given the rain outside, and my apparent unwillingness to do anything academically productive for more than a few minutes at a time, I've just been reading. If you haven't yet already, I would definitely recommend checking out "Counterfeit Gods" by Timothy Keller. It just gives so much to think about.

I'd always thought of idols as vices, like money, or lust, or greed. I could see them being people too - elevating someone to a god-like status, expecting a relationship with someone to solve all of your problems. But it hadn't, even though it probably should have, occurred to me that "anything can serve as a counterfeit god, especially the best things in life." How wrapped up can we be in great things, in a passion for something or a desire to help someone, that we end up putting all that we are into them? And what does this mean for our relationship with God?

And how many times have I said that if I didn't have my friends and relationships, I would feel absolutely hopeless and dejected? How many times have I said that "I would probably kill myself" if that were to happen? And it really made me realize that I've been progressing down a path of essentially worshiping human interaction, and essentially humankind. My belief in an innate human goodness, and my desire to be a part of that has just so greatly overshadowed everything else. I've spent so long saying that I would give up anything for my friends, and for the most part that's true, but would I give up God? In the end, I'm never alone, because even if I were to be deprived of all human relationships somehow, I would still have my relationship with Him.

It's so easy to idolize the good things, to feel like they'll solve your problems by virtue of their merit. But there really can be too much of a good thing. Honestly, I just need to think so much more about so many things, reevaluate things, and pray. And to finish this book eventually, since I'm only about 1/3 of the way through. There's so much I don't understand, and so much I have to learn, and will always have to learn.

Finally meeting with USG tomorrow to try to start a "Tiger Guard" here at Princeton! Wish me luck!

Insecurity

I've legitimately sat here with this blog post titled, having written nothing in the body, for pretty much the whole day. Every time I sit down and want to write, I just have no idea how to put these feelings into words in a way that doesn't just sound trivial, or petty, or insignificant. And I don't know, maybe it really is those things. But I guess I'll give it a shot. 

As much as I'd like to say I'm comfortable with and know myself, it's not true. I'm absolutely, sincerely, completely insecure with who I am. A lot of the time, I feel like I can't do anything well, and even when I can, someone else could have done it a lot better. There are so many ways in which I could be a better person. And even though everyone can always improve themselves, for me, it's more a feeling of no matter how hard I try, I'll never be even half as decent as the people around me. It surprises me when I get elected to positions. Most of the things of which I'm proud are small achievements, because I never feel like I truly earned the big ones. And even with the smaller ones, I often feel like there's no justification in being proud of those. 

And people always tell me I'm humble, but I really can't see it that way. I really don't think it's true. There's a difference between humility and insecurity, right? In a way, humility is a strength and insecurity is a weakness. "Even low self-esteem is self-centeredness." And it's true. My insecurity makes me think of things in relation to me. People are always better than me, I could have always done something different, I was responsible. It's all about me. And rather than appreciate what I do have, I'm ungrateful and selfish, and try to reject it, because I feel as though I don't deserve it. And I really don't, and I know that, but I can't accept it. 

There are so many more people out there who are better than me. It's hard for me to see why or how I'm special, because I truly, earnestly, don't believe that I am. It's so hard for me to see what other people say they see in me. Sometimes it's hard to see why anyone would even want me as a friend. Why they would be proud or happy to know me. It's hard for me to understand why anyone would pick me over someone else. And it's hard for me to stop thinking that they'll leave even when they do.

Not to live each day as though it's my last, but to live each day as though I'd need to live through it again. To make each day one I'd be proud to relive.

Lawnparties Love ♥

A day of preppiness, like any other day at Princeton...

Well, not exactly. Spring Lawnparties 2013!

Woke up and got ready around 10:30-ish, grabbed wristbands with Rory around 11 and chilled for half an hour before meeting up with Elizabeth and Kathryn. Who, by the way, matched without intending to and it was pretty adorable. =]

Hung out at Campus for a while and got tons of food, met up with people, took tons of pictures...

Actually, that was pretty much the whole day haha. Went to a few of the eating clubs, listened to music and chilled, walked around more. Sat on a hill for a good while. Took more pictures than needed, but hey, I'll have "the best documented college experience" according to Toria. =P

Headed over to Charter to listen to We Are Scientists, ran into pretty much everyone there. Mini TASA photoshoot, saw Ben and Lucas... And Matt of course, who had been holed up (and proceeded to be holed up) in his room working on R3. Poor guy. But he came out for a few hours of fun and relaxation!

Went over the the main act, Edward Sharpe had definitely done some pregaming himself haha. Got tapped on the arm and called gorgeous by a drunk guy. Twas rather creepy and I was a bit too shocked to respond. Saw what looked like a Sailor Moon photoshoot going on in Prospect Gardens. Walked around campus and took more pictures. So many pictures. xD

Came back, grabbed dinner, proceeded to attend an Innovation meeting which I was expecting to be a brief overview of our designed articles but instead turned into a "We have like 2 days left and articles left to design, so work on this!" 4-hour design marathon. Pretty tiring, but stuff got done. 

In all, a pretty awesome day with pretty awesome people. =]

Because low self-esteem is still self-centeredness.

Tie-Dye Time!

And I'm worried, because a few parts of me were broken and never fully healed. Every so often, I forget and step on the shards.

Bye Orgo?

Last day of orgo lecture and lab today. Just wow. It's been such a rollercoaster journey in every sense of the word. Blood, sweat, and tears (but actually). I've cried over orgo, slaved away in lab and over psets on sunny days, dyed my lab coat and my fingers lovely shades of yellow, used more acetone than I can quantify, forgotten virtually all the letters of the alphabet except C, H, and O (okay that's an overstatement), and drawn more hexagons than I would ever want to count. 

But parting with it is still hard. What do you mean I don't get to have my own fume hood again until I join a lab? What about my late night bike rides to Frick to turn in my labs and psets? When else will I get to show off my lovely hexagon and arrow-drawing skills? As much stress as orgo caused me, and as many times that I just wanted to ignore it and drown my sorrows in things not orgo-related, I still have to say that it's beautiful. It really is, and I love it, even if I might not want to spend my life doing it.

But hey, we still have the final. And who knows, maybe I'll come back to it.

Professor Doug Clark

With the instruction that I shouldn't make this "extremely public," I suppose I shall refrain from Facebook and just post this here. Tis also rather blurry, but ah well.

Second Chances

I never particularly liked the concept of a second chance. What's so special about the second time? What about the third, the fourth, the forty-eighth? Why is it that people only get two chances? In what case would someone not mean enough for you to give them more?

I've been hurt. I've been hurt horribly, so that I've felt broken for days, weeks, months to pass. But if the person who was involved in that hurt (not responsible for, not caused, because in any case, it must have been my fault too) asked for another chance, I wouldn't say no. Not if it were the second, and not if it were the forty-eighth. People never go through life just making one mistake. And while some are undoubtedly more "severe," and carry longer-lasting consequences, there is a reason you're in my life, and that reason is why I'll do what I can to keep you in it. Because I love you. It doesn't mean that our relationship will be the same after this, on the second or on the forty-eighth chance, but it does mean that I want to preserve that relationship.

I've been given so many chances by so many people, regardless of whether they know it. And I won't ever count the chances I give, because I want them to be limitless. I never want to put a limit on the number of times I'm willing to trust someone, to be their friend, to have them in my life. I never want to put a limit on the number of times I'll take a risk. I never want to put a limit on my forgiveness.

We're such an imperfect species. We make mistakes and we sin every day, and we repeat those day by day. And yet, we're given so many chances by Him, by the day, by the hour. We, I, have so much to learn.

How could I have ever forgotten that when I hurt, others do as well? I am never alone.