It made me freeze. It actually hurt. It hurt because it's true. I couldn't respond because there was no way to do so. I spend so much of my time thinking the same thing. Why is it that a letter on my transcript means so much to me? I can obviously argue from the whole higher education, career opportunities, job offers perspective, but why? Where's the line between caring and caring too much? Why do I, personally, feel so defined by my grades and my GPA? Why is it that when I can't reach my academic goals, I feel worthless? And why is it that no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to fix it?
Can I blame it on having been characterized as "smart" my whole life? It's sort of been something that's tagged along with me, defined me, set me apart. I never fully agreed - to me, hard work is true "smartness," and I could definitely improve in that area - but it's been an adjective used to describe me in so many different arenas. And it's been something upon which the prediction of my success has been founded. It's because I'm "smart" that I'll be able to achieve great things, help people, change the world, be successful. It's been a message constantly scrawled in my yearbook by my friends - "You're such a genius," "You're too smart for your own good," "Remember me when you're famous!" - and even my teachers - "You're one of the most intelligent students I've had. It has been a pleasure," "Remember to donate a library in my name when you're rich!" I'm smart, and it's because of my grades that people see me as such.
But it's so largely a personal thing. I've allowed my grades to be such an integral part of who I am. No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to reach the point at which I can say that my self-worth isn't defined, at least partly, by my GPA. Not when the first adjective almost everyone uses to describe me is "smart." Not when scores on my piano assessments told me I was "superior" and earned me to right to emcee our annual winter concert. Not when the 4.0s and straight As were what made me first feel like I was worth something. Not when people started retorting with, "But you're Erica!" and "You did poorly? Like what, a 96?" Not when I asked my aunt about my grandpa and she countered with, "But look at you now, with your excellent grades, he's so proud." Not when it feels like such a big part of society's acceptance of me is because I'm "smart," because "I'll go places," because I can "do anything you set your mind to."
They're just numbers. They'd be so meaningless if I didn't let them get to me. If I didn't mind it so much when the adviser of one of my clubs called me "2400" the entire three days of our first competition, because he couldn't be bothered to remember my name, but could obviously remember my SAT score. When people knew my name not because of my participation in clubs, because of my sociability, because of my personality, but because I had the highest GPA. When it seemed like the greatest influence I had on my friends in lower grades was to compel them to take more AP classes. When I was known among the parents at my Chinese school for my grades and my test scores. When my dad proudly came back from work and told me that his coworkers were having a debate over whether I should attend Princeton or Caltech.
4.71
800
2400
36
They're just numbers. They shouldn't matter so much.
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