Blessed

I honestly have been blessed with the most amazing friends, a loving family, all of these opportunities that are open to me, all of the abilities I possess, and just really every aspect of my life. People look up to me for what they believe I am. People envy me for all of these gifts that have been bestowed upon me. I completely don't deserve any of it, and it's sincerely amazing that I have so much.

Which is why I'm always so disappointed in myself for never making the most of it. I feel like I have so much wasted potential, and that it should be within my power to change that, but it's not. And at the same time, I feel like I'm not trying hard enough, and that's why I feel this way. It's my fault. I should be trying harder to get better grades, be a better friend, a better sister/daughter, engage in the community more, help others more... All of the disappointment that I face is at my own hands, and if I created it, I should be able to overcome it. But so often, too often, I feel like I can't, and I just spiral in this chaotic mass of self-pity. There really is no reason for this. There's no justification, no logical explanation for why this should happen. And so every time it does, I hate myself a little more for letting it.