Happy Easter!

Went to bed at 3:30. Woke up around 6:10 for the Easter sunrise service. As always, left me a lot to think about. It was pretty amazing though. If I had more discipline, I would just get up earlier to watch the sunrise, but I'm rather undisciplined and totally not a morning person. In any case, it was beautiful. Also freezing, but mainly beautiful. 

Headed over to Dillon Gym after to see Lawrence Liu (and four other undergrads) get baptized. They had food there too, which was nice, because I realized with my schedule for today I hadn't parceled out time for brunch. xD We listened to their testimonies, most of which I could really relate to, and it was just a wonderful experience. I'm really happy for them. =] 

Had an hour between the service and working on econ with Will, which changed to an hour and a half because I took a nap, woke up with a minor headache about ten minutes before our meeting, and didn't really want to get up. It didn't take as much time as I had parceled out though, so I had a few minutes of downtime between that and Innovation. 

Innovation was pretty fun, pretty standard. Left early to work in the studio for a bit, since I really want to finish this project, and have time to make something else/make it again if something goes wrong. I should probably drop in tomorrow too, just to see how it's doing. 

Obviously my day isn't over yet (so much stuff planned still!) and it's definitely going to be stressful. Mol review got moved to tomorrow and the Wilco meeting was cancelled though, so I have a bit more time to work on COS, chill a bit, start studying for mol/econ/orgo too. That is, if I use the time correctly, which I probably won't, since I'll likely just chill and sleep haha. 

Updates on my day to come; it's going to be a good one.

***

Edit: Tired. Not much work has gotten done. Feeling very very unprepared for my upcoming tests. Yayyy. TASA then tons of orgo and maybe some mol with people.

Edit: Oh my gosh I am so screwed for all of my tests. And I'm exhausted.

"And everything you did, wasn't good enough for them."

(A) Good Friday

Busy, but pretty enjoyable in all. 

Precepts were rather boring. COS is also semi-interesting, but I always do things in advance so sometimes the pace of the programming in class frustrates me. Actually, it's not even that; it's more that no one volunteers to even try most of the time. Ah well.
We had a sub in econ. Guy looked pretty young, also dressed sort of hipster. Twas amusing.

Came back, ate lunch, chilled for a bit. Went to a brief meeting of the Civic Engagements chairs that a total of 3 out of at LEAST 7 attended. Rather sad, but ah well. Ran a few errands after that.

Faith and Melodie got my bracelets! =] Faith sent a cute picture of them too. They look a bit tight but seem to fit relatively well, so I'm happy haha. Plus they tend to stretch out, so it should turn out okay.

Programmed with Allen for a good 4 hours - good thing is we got pretty much all of the required programs done! And they're currently completely finished after some debugging later in the day. =] Now time to get the AutoGuitar up and running with the Pokemon theme song! We have a rough sketch of the melody done already! I'm honestly way too excited about this. Actually, I'm just excited that I can play things on my computer. Granted, it sounds like a guitar and I'm too lazy to try to make it sound like a piano, and it has a range of about two octaves, but it's still super awesome. I spent a good amount of my life playing random little tunes - Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Mary Had a Little Lamb, Frosty the Snowman, Silent Night, Ode to Joy...

Grabbed lunch, did a bit of my mol lab (my results are still sort of sketch...), looked at and decided not to worry about my orgo lab (though I really should be), and ignored the fact that I have 3 midterms in a week.

Went to the Good Friday Service. =] Lots to think about, especially with the conversation I had with Jenny and Gabby in the afternoon, which wasn't totally related but still. Not exactly sure what to say about it, since I'm not exactly sure I know what to think about it. Still processing haha, but definitely worthwhile and I really enjoyed it.

Came back, just finished politics notes (yay)! Awkward moment of the day: Took a shower, went to my room in a towel. Was showing Jenny GuitarHero and I heard my name from the common room. Went outside (in just a towel) to see why my name came up, realized there were guys there. Granted, I still had a towel on, which technically isn't any more revealing than like, a cocktail dress, and I knew the guys, but still. It was sort of like, "Hey, I heard my name! ...Oh. Guys. Woops awk sorry."

Twas a good day.

***

And since I didn't post yesterday, just two things worth mentioning.

College decisions came out for 2017ers! Haven't heard of any tiger cubs excepting Frank (who got in early) yet, but maybe there are a few out there who just haven't told me. =] On the other hand, with pretty much every acceptance comes a rejection as well, so I posted a little status just to remind people that their value isn't dictated by which school they attend. Definitely something to keep in mind, and something hard to remember, especially when those "We are sorry to inform you that we are unable to offer you a spot" letters come around. Judging from the amount of likes that it got, it seems like people appreciated the reminder as well. =]

Went to Skate Night with Matt x2. Saw Ben there too, and we had a brief discussion about orgo haha. And by the end of the night, I could move on the ice! Don't get me wrong, I didn't say skate, I said move. xD It was loads of fun though, even if I do have a rather odd bruise on my ankle now.

***

This weekend is going to be ridiculously busy, with all of my club things and just a ton of work to do. But it's going to be great. 

"Live the life you have imagined." ~ Henry David Thoreau

She Will Be Strong

And she lays in bed 
Her broken soul 
Gazing out the window 
At the moon and the stars, 
Picturing the pocketknife 
Ever-present in her bedside drawer. 
She pictures drawing the line on her arm, 
The burning blade, 
The cool metal against her skin. 
But then she sees him, 
The worry, the concern, 
And she sees the pain 
In her friends' eyes. 
She will be strong. 
If not for herself, for him, for them.

Oftentimes I wonder how people can love me when I barely tolerate myself. It must be that they're just better people.

Paper Cranes and Promises

A lamp flickers to life 
The clock strikes four 
Her fingers crease the crisp paper 
Flipping and folding 
Losing herself in the certainty 
A head, a wing, 
A sure tug and the crane comes to life 
Floating gently 
To stand by hundreds of companions 
Made over the course of dozens 
Of late nights and troubled thoughts 
They promised her when she was little 
"A wish for a thousand cranes" 
How many times has she tried? 
Birds of every color 
Folded from printer paper, Post-it notes, 
Scraps of every shade 
And when she reaches a thousand, 
They fly off to find her dreams 
She imagines them 
Lifting her out of the pit of darkness 
In which she finds herself trapped too often 
She imagines them 
Hoisting her to the heavens 
To rest among the clouds 
Or soar in the sky 
Until her paper creations fail 
And she plummets back to earth 
To reality and hopelessness 
Because even magic has an expiration date 
And in the darkness 
She cries 
Her tears lost in the midst 
Of a thousand paper cranes 
And a million broken promises

On Prop 8

Being from California, I vividly remember when people were debating Prop 8 in our state. I remember how we all felt so forward-thinking for having a discussion on this issue. Now it's moved on to the Supreme Court. Honestly, this is probably going to be a landmark case regardless of the decision, but I do have to say that if they sustain Prop 8, I won't be able to stop myself from thinking it was a faulty decision.

I don't believe that being gay is a choice. I don't believe that it's just something you can change if you want, or if you try hard enough. I do believe that sexual orientation should not preclude individuals from what I see are their constitutional rights. I'm not religious, so I don't feel comfortable providing an opinion from that standpoint. I will say, however, that if God loves us with all our sin, and since homosexuality is not a conscious decision and therefore not within an individual's power to change, why is it that homosexuals should be punished? Also, given a government based upon separation of church and state, I feel like the religious interpretations of homosexuality shouldn't carry so much weight when determining the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. I'm not nearly knowledgeable enough to actually provide a comprehensive argument for my opinion, but my opinion is that Prop 8 is unconstitutional. It might be an overgeneralization just to say that I believe in equality for all, but that truly is my view.

Edit: I think a major factor that irks me is that the major arguments of the proponents of Prop 8 are religious. While I don't deny that religion is a part of our culture and shouldn't be ignored completely, I also support Leggett's contention that "We cannot be too artful to keep separate the things which belong to government from those which belong to religion." I believe it's a problem when the main arguments supporting (or opposing) something are based upon something which arguably should not have a major presence in the political sector.

Musings and Maybes

What else is life made of really? The problem is I keep thinking about random things in life and completely neglecting my schoolwork and studying just to think about things. I've sincerely been craving late night talks recently. What about? No idea. I just sort of want to ramble. Talk about life in its past, present, and hopeful future states. I guess in a sense I just want to think out loud and not feel awkward because no one's listening. Maybe I'll just go lay out under the stars someday when it's not all rainy and dreary and talk to whoever wants to listen.

I always find it interesting and a bit saddening to think about all of my friends with whom I had these late night talks, but haven't really kept in touch. What are they up to? How are they? Do they still lay under the stars with a few friends, blasting music and laughing about life? Do they still sit on hills waiting for the sunrise, talking about their fears? Have they found new friends and confidants to do these things with? Or are they sort of like me, living in the memories of the past, when everything just sort of clicked and we found ourselves immersed in these discussions without any planning?

Every decision we make carries some significance - what would have happened if I had a different name? Not skipped a grade? Chosen a different school? Woken up slightly later today or walked slightly faster to class? Would I be a different person? Have met different people? Think and act differently?

Maybe all of these little decisions had different outcomes in different universes. Maybe I would be a better person if I had changed one decision made when I was a little kid. Maybe I would just be a different person. Maybe I wouldn't have met or gotten to know you. Maybe I wouldn't even be alive. Or maybe nothing significant would have changed.

And despite all of my musings, none of it is in my control. I'm not going to suddenly start eating oatmeal in the mornings to see if it changes anything. I'm not going to change what I do to see if anything else does. None of it matters. I'd then be left wondering what would have happened in all of the other innumerable scenarios. None of it is in my control. And so why should I worry even? I'll just try to be the best person I can be, find my happiness and help others find theirs.

Sometimes musing makes things better. And sometimes maybes can make life more certain.

***

To give credit where it's due, the title comes from this. It's beautifully sad.

Back to Orange and Black!

Bit of a belated blog post, but ah well. Spring Break was absolutely amazing. So much catching up on sleep and random singing/piano-playing. Also straightening Matt's hair haha. His family is amazing - I love them all. They're all so happy and they have such a great and supportive dynamic. We made dinner Friday too, and surprisingly it didn't turn out that bad. Chicken alfredo, garden soup, salad, and smoothies! I was pretty sad to leave haha. It was absolutely unproductive but super relaxing.

Now to play catch-up with work. xD

Visiting Washington DC!

Had an absolutely amazing time in DC today with Matt, Evan, Kamini, Alexis, and Sam (Matt's friends from high school). Saw tons of memorials and landmarks, but one day definitely isn't enough to see everything. It was amazingly fun though.

I can't even express how many pictures we took of the Washington Monument. And of planes "crashing" into landmarks. And so much fail Metro-ing... We also got handed tons of hummus samples, had an amazing lunch at PoBoy, and missed our planned train back to Aberdeen. The last one was a bit of a bummer, but everything turned out fine. The weather was gorgeous too - a bit chilly but it was sunny and clear. It was absolutely amazing.

Spring Break in Maryland!

I'm having SUCH a great time here. =] Matt's family is completely awesome and I love everyone already. Talking to his mom in Chinese is especially fun since he has no idea what we're talking about haha. Went to church this morning - it was pretty nice, and the people there were rather awesome. Anyways, doing a bit of work today (read: looking at the work I have to do and not particularly doing much), errands tomorrow (mainly some administrative intern stuff), DC Wednesday! Then break's already half over... Jeez. There's so much work to do, but honestly, whatever. I'm just going to give myself an actual break, relax, ponder life, watch a few movies... Life's good. =]

Spring Break, Come to Me!

Yes, I'm currently sitting in my econ precept. Yes, I am blogging.

To be fair, this is the one class in which I'm doing moderately well. Also it's the last thing I have to get through before spring break!!! Programming test yesterday was messy - I got one program to work, and the second was completely non-functional. I'm pretty sure it compiled, but didn't run... Hopefully it compiles...

In any case, whatever. It's over. A few administrative things to do (need to finally place the order for the Spring Giveaway, clean/organize a bit, finish packing for Matt's, I might want to do my sheets), etc. but then I'm free! TASushi this afternoon and Cheeburger with the zees to properly send off Maegan tonight!

I have a ton of work for this break, but I'm really going to take this time and just relax and sort of reevaluate/think about my life. Hopefully when I get back from the break, I'll have a clearer idea of who I am, why I'm here, what I want to do, why I want to do it, etc. Not expecting to know the answers to any of those questions, but it would be nice to have an idea.

Just One Day

Just today. Just one more midterm. Just one, then essentially it's spring break. I sincerely need it so much right now. Honestly I really just don't know what's happening right now, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how ridiculously confused and just messed up I am. Some serious rearranging and thinking has to occur over that next week. And work, but that's just standard. Ah well. We'll see. Just one more day.

Waves of Music

Sometimes 
I just want to drown
Drown in waves of music
A force beyond my control
Sweeping, rolling
Surges of emotions
Rushing out with the tide
Leaving only
Peace
And
Serenity

Insanity

I might be going a bit crazy. My emotions have been fluctuating like crazy over the past few days, and it really worries me. I mean, certain things/people/actions calm me down, so I try to do that whenever I can, but I'm just not at liberty to spend all of my time trying to keep calm. Which is just ridiculous, because it seems like the only way to keep calm is to spend my time trying to do so, and I need to use that time to study so that I don't freak out. Sometimes I really do wonder if my problems are more serious than I think, but that's just me being paranoid. I think I'm just too tired/stressed/etc and have been primarily in such a state that I don't even realize it until it washes over me, which is scary. In any case, I really need to write this politics paper.

Happy Birthday Mommy!

Blessed

I honestly have been blessed with the most amazing friends, a loving family, all of these opportunities that are open to me, all of the abilities I possess, and just really every aspect of my life. People look up to me for what they believe I am. People envy me for all of these gifts that have been bestowed upon me. I completely don't deserve any of it, and it's sincerely amazing that I have so much.

Which is why I'm always so disappointed in myself for never making the most of it. I feel like I have so much wasted potential, and that it should be within my power to change that, but it's not. And at the same time, I feel like I'm not trying hard enough, and that's why I feel this way. It's my fault. I should be trying harder to get better grades, be a better friend, a better sister/daughter, engage in the community more, help others more... All of the disappointment that I face is at my own hands, and if I created it, I should be able to overcome it. But so often, too often, I feel like I can't, and I just spiral in this chaotic mass of self-pity. There really is no reason for this. There's no justification, no logical explanation for why this should happen. And so every time it does, I hate myself a little more for letting it.

Take-Home Midterms

What sort of midterm has multiple choice questions, four short answers, and two essays questions of 5 pages each?! Someone please just shoot me now.

Repairing Friendships

I've had a couple pretty badly broken ones, and just looking back at my life, I really do want to remedy those as much as I can. I wasn't able to before, but maybe we were all too close to what happened to think about things logically. My stubbornness and pride definitely obscured my judgment at the time. I do hope that at the least, they'll be able to forgive me for my stupidity.

I also want to get back in touch with all of the people I've fallen out of contact with. I've had so many great friends just drift away and I'd really love to catch up with them. 

A Number

"People like Erica care too much about grades." 

It made me freeze. It actually hurt. It hurt because it's true. I couldn't respond because there was no way to do so. I spend so much of my time thinking the same thing. Why is it that a letter on my transcript means so much to me? I can obviously argue from the whole higher education, career opportunities, job offers perspective, but why? Where's the line between caring and caring too much? Why do I, personally, feel so defined by my grades and my GPA? Why is it that when I can't reach my academic goals, I feel worthless? And why is it that no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to fix it?

Can I blame it on having been characterized as "smart" my whole life? It's sort of been something that's tagged along with me, defined me, set me apart. I never fully agreed - to me, hard work is true "smartness," and I could definitely improve in that area - but it's been an adjective used to describe me in so many different arenas. And it's been something upon which the prediction of my success has been founded. It's because I'm "smart" that I'll be able to achieve great things, help people, change the world, be successful. It's been a message constantly scrawled in my yearbook by my friends - "You're such a genius," "You're too smart for your own good," "Remember me when you're famous!" - and even my teachers - "You're one of the most intelligent students I've had. It has been a pleasure," "Remember to donate a library in my name when you're rich!" I'm smart, and it's because of my grades that people see me as such.

But it's so largely a personal thing. I've allowed my grades to be such an integral part of who I am. No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to reach the point at which I can say that my self-worth isn't defined, at least partly, by my GPA. Not when the first adjective almost everyone uses to describe me is "smart." Not when scores on my piano assessments told me I was "superior" and earned me to right to emcee our annual winter concert. Not when the 4.0s and straight As were what made me first feel like I was worth something. Not when people started retorting with, "But you're Erica!" and "You did poorly? Like what, a 96?" Not when I asked my aunt about my grandpa and she countered with, "But look at you now, with your excellent grades, he's so proud." Not when it feels like such a big part of society's acceptance of me is because I'm "smart," because "I'll go places," because I can "do anything you set your mind to."

They're just numbers. They'd be so meaningless if I didn't let them get to me. If I didn't mind it so much when the adviser of one of my clubs called me "2400" the entire three days of our first competition, because he couldn't be bothered to remember my name, but could obviously remember my SAT score. When people knew my name not because of my participation in clubs, because of my sociability, because of my personality, but because I had the highest GPA. When it seemed like the greatest influence I had on my friends in lower grades was to compel them to take more AP classes. When I was known among the parents at my Chinese school for my grades and my test scores. When my dad proudly came back from work and told me that his coworkers were having a debate over whether I should attend Princeton or Caltech.

4.71
800
2400
36

They're just numbers. They shouldn't matter so much.

Sometimes a message is all it takes.

The Little Things

Laying on the ground just watching the stars
Seeing the sun rise/set
Having snowflakes fall on my face
Having snow crunch under my feet
Speeding down a hill on a bike with no worries
Roses (or flowers in general)
Long showers
Laying in the sun
Watching people walk by and wondering what they're off to do
Making up stories for the people in airplanes that fly by
Kittens and baby animals
Good morning texts
Walking through shallow water
Board and card games
Cuddling
Hot chocolate and tea and smoothies
Soft caramels
(Insert lots of other food)
And talking to you. Yes, you. =]

Disregarding Personal Opinion

It's a pretty hard thing for me (or I'd assume anyone) to do... I never really thought much about it. I mean, people always said to "pick the easier side to support, even if you don't agree," but I was never really able to do that. Just the fact that I'd have to write a paper supporting ideas with which I disagreed turned me off, and actually doing it was so hard that I'd pick the side I actually believed in, because it'd make the paper easier to write. I mean, when I was more or less neutral on a topic I'd go with the side with more evidence, no doubt.

In any case, I had to write a 3-5 page simulation paper for politics. Needed to support a temperance law and a questionably worded (and inherently questionable) loyalty oath for suffrage and office. Needless to say, I don't support either of those. In any case, I have a rather shoddy 3-page paper - I really just couldn't think of anything more to write, and no matter how hard I tried, my arguments just sound weak and flimsy. I need to do some major revision tomorrow - I'm sure there's something more out there... I mean, a whole movement was based off temperance and loyalty oaths have been huge in constitutional history... Blah.

***

In other news, today was a gorgeous day. Yesterday was too, but in a different way. Went from being all white and pristine and snowy to warm and sunny. It finally felt like spring!

Finished an insanely easy econ pset with Will, had lunch with Civic Engagement chairs from different res colleges, met with Jack to talk a bit about a potential PACE Center job, headed to Forbes and worked outside for a bit (or attempted to at least), dined with TASA people, and slugged through the politics paper. In all, a pretty decent day. So much work left though! I suppose at this point I'm glad I'm done with most of my midterms, even if I'm not completely happy with my grades. Ah well. Daylight savings in T-47 minutes, so I better get some sleep!

If you dare nothing, then at the end of the day, nothing is all you will have gained.

Snowy Day

Stupid Mistakes

On all the tests! But really, I definitely overthought a question and just screwed one up outright on econ. Stupid mistakes always happen in orgo, though I suppose the only reason they're stupid is because I know the answer/in retrospect. Still don't know what's up with mol, but given my grade and how confident I felt with the material, I can bet I made stupid mistakes on that too.

I need to stop doing this. Sincerely, I mean yeah, it's a good thing that I know the material as opposed to just having no idea what I'm doing (which also happens), but there's no use if I can't apply it when need be... Ah well.

***

I apparently get emotional when I'm tired. I also don't remember making the previous blog post. Uhm. Yeah.

***

Also, these things are horrible.

I definitely spent a good 15 minutes trying to draw something that looked anything like my actual signature...

It's funny how I seek refuge from the reality of us in memories of us.

Reminders

I'm really even loving this whole multiple-steps-to-actually-get-the-internship-officially process. I was feeling sort of crappy this morning - woke up an hour late for my 8:30 mol class, felt exhausted, was utterly confused through most of COS, almost fell asleep in orgo, and got my really crappy test back. Was looking at the points I missed and feeling completely stupid, then I checked my e-mail and there was an update from Amgen. =] Once my background check is at least 50% complete (apparently I need to fill in some information for a drug test and such), I get internship details! I'm super super excited. =] And besides, I can always pull my grade up. It can be done and I'm going to do it. Who cares about this one below average test when I get to work in the medicinal chemistry department of one of the world's largest pharmaceutical companies?!

Counting Sheep (for COS)

I finally understand this xkcd comic haha.

The Right Mindset

It's been an insane weekend and few days. So many tests and the need to study, and the Amgen interview... It's been good though. I mean, I've been stressed and all, which is understandable, but I've also been a lot happier. Last semester, if I had two tests and an interview, and the tests went the way they did, I probably would have just cried. Now? I went to go eat guac and sing/dance to Beyoncé.

I'm just going to try to keep in mind that I can't change anything which has happened. I wrote my Princeton essay on optimism, and I think I've been doing a really bad job of living up to what I say I believe in. I've complained too much about too little, and forgotten that everything turns out okay. I've forgotten I have the power to make tomorrow a better day. "Am I to approach life worrying about what misfortune will next befall me, wasting what little happiness I could have in anticipation of misery?"

I mean, I can't really compare yesterday, since finding out I probably have an internship (paid! At a top pharma company! Near my family, in the same city my sister works, for twelve whole weeks... I could go on and on!!!) definitely outweighs most anything that could have feasibly happened barring unseen circumstances, I did find out that I did incredibly badly on my orgo test... And as a lot of you know, orgo and I are in a love-hate relationship. It really is interesting and I really do like arrow-pushing, I just really wish it made more sense to me and I were better at it. And it's just such a big part of what I probably want to do in life. A grade this bad last semester definitely would have just reduced me to tears. And I mean, it definitely bugged me, since I thought I knew more than that, but I'm not letting it get to me.

It's making me happier. I think I want to keep this mindset around.

Dreams

It's not set in stone, but I'll probably be working at Amgen in the summer! In San Francisco so I get to be by my family too! With company housing, and pretty much one-on-one mentoring/projects, and it's PAID and oh my gosh I'm so ridiculously excited!

Waking Up in a Panic

My morning gives a new (accurate) definition of the phrase. Had an absolutely terrifying dream that my mom withdrew me from Princeton. Basically I went back home for spring break, after having done horribly on my midterms. Woke up one morning and my mom told me she unenrolled me since I was obviously not smart enough to handle the coursework there. Immediately started crying and begging her to let me go back, but she wouldn't let me. I then proceeded to call a few of my friends, who all told me that they weren't allowed to talk to me, and that my mom was shipping me off to a Buddhist university in China. Weirdest thing ever. Cried a ton more and begged tons more. Talked to my dad, who basically told me my mom was right and that he supported the whole Princeton-unenrollment, being shipped to China plan wholeheartedly. Contacted Princeton to be told that since I was now officially unenrolled, they couldn't do anything. I eventually got so desperate I contacted the police, since there seemed to be something criminal about this whole thing, and they told me that since I was still 17, I was still under the jurisdiction/care of my parents and they couldn't do a thing.

I legitimately woke up in the worst state ever. Could barely breathe and was basically gasping and sobbing. Maegan like ran into the room and had to hold me for a bit which helped me calm down a lot. From what she knew and said, I essentially had a panic attack. From a dream. Yeah. I guess maybe we can take it as a sign of how much I love it here? Or just a ridiculously overblown illustration of my fear of being forced to leave here and never actually accomplish anything.

***

Two midterms and an interview. The interview seemed like it went pretty decently - we'll see though. Apparently a decision should be made tomorrow. -stresses-
The midterms... could have gone better. They also could have been worse though. I mean... Yeah. I never know what to think about tests here. So we'll just see for that too.

***

Had a Beyonce/guacamole study break. It was pretty awesome. Belted out Love on Top with Hansen. According to Kathryn, we sounded like strangled cats. Ah well. Then proceeded to pose in ridiculous positions behind Hansen while he ignored me and played Temple Run. Pretty hilarious. =]

I keep thinking tomorrow should be a chill day or a weekend just because it's been such a hectic day today... But nope. Four hours of class and lab. Yay. At least it's mol lab and not orgo lab haha. In any case, keeping my fingers crossed for the interview results tomorrow, and it's going to be a good day!

CHM304 Cheat Sheet

This is like the neatest thing I have ever written, most of which I probably won't use. (Scanner cuts off bits, but you get the point...)

Even if the stars get rough...

Do you ever want to disappear sometimes?

Just be gone for a few days, come back, and not have to worry about people asking where you were, explain what you were doing, having to catch up on work... Just to be at peace with yourself and try to figure out who you are? Be completely isolated from people you know, and have just yourself for company?

I really don't know who I am anymore. Am I the happy girl people tend to befriend, who loves meeting new people and sharing funny stories? What about the one who gets overly stressed when she can't solve a problem? Do I actually like chemistry and school, or are they there just so I can feel like I have a purpose? Do I love talking to people just because, or because I'm afraid of being alone? Do I help others because it makes me feel good about myself, or because it makes me feel like I might be worthwhile? Am I the sarcastic one, or the one who cries when an ill-timed, but well-intentioned joke gets flung her way? Or quite possibly, I'm just a mess, an amalgamation of conflicting feelings and emotions, with no order to the chaos.

I don't know, and I'd really like to find out, but it's not something I can do when I'm always concerned about tomorrow.

I might actually have a mental breakdown at one point during this weekend.

Trophy Time!

For my high school Mock Trial team that is. Super proud of them! SIXTEEN individual awards! So yeah, we didn't beat Miramonte, but everyone was cheering for us anyways. =] Also, they're absolutely amazing and hilarious people - almost all of them have a picture with the trophy as their profile picture right now, haha.

*****

Woke up about six times between 7 and 9:40am (when I had to get up for class), each time feeling really inexplicably panicked and sort of sick. I don't even know - it's probably just nerves for midterms... I really need to do well on these tests, but I don't feel like I know anything. Even in classes I feel I do moderately well in (MOL, COS) I don't/didn't feel prepared at all, and I'm pretty sure the test is just going to kill me. Econ's much harder than I expected it would be - it's less numbers crunching and more concepts. I have no idea how paper midterms work for politics. And don't even get me started on orgo.

On the bright side, there's PEF tonight. =] The meetings always make me feel better.