Look Up

Take a breath. A deep one. Now another. What did you want out of life? You're here. Look around you. There's so much beauty, so much worth. But where did that joy go? Throw back a cover, flip open a box. You don't want to become another statistic. You're stronger than that. You have the strength of your ancestors, the determination of your parents, the love of so, so many.

You put in the time. All those years, all that work. And it will keep going, but don't get swept up. There are more worthy things in life than the constant struggle. See the beauty, in the small things, in others, in yourself. See the beauty in yourself.

It will be okay.

Wash Yaself

I'm so amazingly blessed with being able to perform with a great group of dancers, make new friends, and just have a hype time this weekend. Beyond all, I'm blessed with a group of wonderful friends who, despite really only knowing one another for a few months, is tight-knit and comes to support me at my shows! Feeling absolutely loved today.

Blood is thicker than water.

You know, somewhere out there, someone legitimately has blood that came from me. I wonder if I've managed to save any lives yet?

I do find you quite incredibly annoying, but I can't pinpoint why.

I might be forgiving, but I'm not stupid.

My dignity took a backseat to my fear.

Maybe my loneliness is just a factor of a lacking in my relationship with God. Because I love you all, I really do, but I shouldn't miss you as much and feel as alone as I do. I just want to be better, to better myself in so many ways. But maybe what I really need to do is just let Him better me.

You're not that important. You're incredibly special to me, but it shouldn't matter this much.

Don't think of yourself too highly.

Everyone's special.

I just want to be a better person.

I need some shorter-term goals.

Some things stick.

And recently, it's been an intense, persistent wondering about why I'm here, and whether I should be. Not in an impostor syndrome-y way (there's that too), but just... wondering.

Today was wonderful. It was much needed.

America (Rambling Thoughts)

I am so, so exhausted. I'm so tired and deeply sad. America is so filled with sorrow and hatred, and my heart aches at the pain in the world right now. California and Princeton and Massachusetts have all "shielded" me from the intolerance that only seems to spread as the days go on.

I want to believe bigotry and racism and sexism and xenophobia are not the norm. I believe they aren't. Yet it's so hard to see so many instances of them, so, so many more in such a short span than I ever thought would happen. We have managed to go from our first African-American president to one who has regularly expressed hateful, inflammatory, dangerous views of those different from himself.

And speaking of differences, we all live in massive echo chambers. I live in a massive, blue with streaks of well-educated, upper-middle-class red echo chamber. Why is listening so hard? I want more than anything to understand. I want to talk to those who have different views, to smash down these walls, but I'm also so tired. I've never wanted to be involved in politics, and I realize now how naive it was of me to think I could be involved socially and not politically.

How do we move forward?

I've got laundry thrown on chairs. My desk is a mess of papers, unwashed dishes, snacks, trash... That's when I know it's bad.

The world is hurting.

It's time to be there for one another. Regardless of it all, we're all in this together. The divide is strong, deep, and personal, but this country is ours. It may not be the one we want, and it may not have perfect citizens, but America is my country. It is (likely) your country, and it is our country.

There is work to be done. To listen, to understand, and to move forward.

Time to prepare for a rough four years...

Too much synthesizing. All synthesized out.

Sometimes I feel like I missed out on a different life.

Is this regret? It seems almost impossible to regret the vast expanse of the unknown. Do I wish I had made different choices? The funny thing is, I would say yes, but... Maybe I'm just so used to going with what I have. I'm comfortable, and nothing has been, has ever been, scarier.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Lose Yourself

It was a long shower type of day today. Standing under almost-scalding water, feeling the rivulets stream their way over my hair and down my face, dripping like tears to the tiles. Soft suds caressing my shoulders, fingers wrinkling with time.

It was a music blasting type of day today. The rhythmic thump and upbeat melodies numbing the soul. A bubble of noise, impenetrable, enveloping, immersive.

It was a new novel type of day today. Escaping into a different world for as long as possible, meeting new friends and learning their stories. Words flowing over me like a gentle breeze, comforting and familiar.

It was a good day for losing myself today.

Refocus

Right now, where is God in what I do?

Because every little 
Piece of me that I gave 
Or give to you or 
To anyone else 
Is another opportunity to be hurt. 
Every little piece of me 
That leaves 
Can be thrown back with 
Sharp words 
And sharper judgment. 
And I never thought I was one to care 
But I realize 
How much it stings 
To be discovered 
Or misunderstood 
Then thrown away. 
And still, 
It won't stop me from searching 
From sharing 
From listening 
Because maybe someone 
Will care 
And want to be cared for.
And maybe you still do.

Maybe I don't really fit into a heuristic.

Some days, naps throw me off terribly.

And then I'm both unproductive and flustered and feeling quite alone for the rest of the day/night.

---

You do confuse me, I think.

I refuse to be caught in the cycle again.

Influences

When I look at you,
What should I see?
A brother, a sister,
A student, a researcher?
Should I see the stories you tell
Or the ones you don't?
Can I see the days you spent
Coloring outside the lines,
The millions of smiles and hellos,
The tears, the anger, the fear?
Can I see your insecurity?
Can I see your pride?
Can I ever begin to see
The countless little influences
Which have created the masterpiece that you are?
Can I see where my part in you is?
Because maybe,
Just maybe,
I can see where I've left a mark on you
And you can see where you've left one on me
And we can both be proud
Of helping create a
Strong
Resilient
Kind
Generous
Beautiful soul.

The Passage of Time

It's amazing how you can feel like it's been such a short time, and yet forever at the same time. It's been a little over two months since I moved here, and while it seems like it's gone by in a flash, at the same time I feel like I've known these people forever, lived here forever, carried on with classes and teaching and pool nights at the bar forever.

It's been almost 21 1/2 years since my relatively short time on Earth began. How crazy is that? My entire life, very literally, in just over two decades. Forever for me, and yet a blink of an eye for the universe. What were you up to when I was playing on the swings? Learning algebra? Applying to college? Where were all of you in your lives?

I can see this time slipping away and soon I'll be looking for a job, starting a family, raising kids... But forever is still forever and still lies before me. I haven't even joined a lab, yet I know soon it will be time to leave one. Hindsight is 20/20, but also 150 mph.

Time is a funny thing. Regardless of how much or how little attention you pay it, it always slips through your grasp. And it's always constant, regardless of our perception of it. Pretty soon, we'll all just be memories.

To Be Proud

Knowing how much you did for me, and how much I was taught, and how much effort you both put in... I'm so amazingly thankful.

But... I can't help but wish I had maybe put some more effort into myself, and turned out a better person of whom you could be proud.

I enjoy being a wandering soul.

Learn to Breathe

At what point did not having anything to do become unsettling rather than relaxing?

Every once in a while, I feel this abrupt disconnection from everything and wonder exactly how I got here, and what I'm doing.

The Lives We Live

On Chichi's recommendation, I've started reading Redirect. It's nothing too mind-boggling, but I do like the idea of our story narrative. 

"Narratives are often like an oil painting to which we add a little daub each day."

What little daubs of paint have I been adding to my narrative these past few days? Weeks? Months? What daub is today's?

How have we been shaping the lives we live, and are they the ones that we want? The best ones we could have given what we were given?

---

I find I read as much for the beautiful words and phrases as I do for the ideas behind them. I have dearly missed quiet afternoons spent in a different world; today was much needed.

Vulnerable

How long do we live without knowing ourselves? I feel like I don't even know who I am, what I want, where I'm going. Am I okay with that? To an extent, I guess so. But I don't want to give up on getting to know myself. I don't want to give up on getting to know anyone else. There's so much to learn about the world, about each other, about life. I can't help but think I've been sheltering myself so much in what I know, in this Asian-American, Taiwanese-American, upper middle class, academically elitist world. I'm bilingual, culturally "diverse"; America looks at me and expects an intelligent, well-educated, -different- person. But I'm so homogeneous it's ridiculous. What do I know about the world? What could I tell you? Our strengths are our weaknesses. My culture is my comfort, but it's a crux.

It's important to be uncomfortable. Confront things you don't normally see. Be vulnerable, so others can see you for who you really are, not who you try to be, or who you think you are. Learn about yourself from others, and let them learn about themselves from you. We all need each other.

How well can you ever know someone? Sometimes, better than they know themselves, if in a different way.

So help me discover the world. Help me discover you, discover me.

The Moral Bucket List

I wish I could write half as well [click here].

I'd love to be an incandescent soul.

Lessons Learned

How little do I remember from my late night musings, article readings, thought scrawlings?

How many lessons do I learn, only to promptly forget? And how do I grow if that's all I do?

Things happen for a reason.

More than it should.

Ideal Realities

Sometimes I wonder, do you like me, or the idea of me? Do I like me, or the idea of me? Do I even like either of those? But maybe I could like the idea of who I could be, if only I weren't who I currently am.

If I had my pick of dimensions, would I pick the one I'm currently in?

Probably not. But who's to say any other would be any better?

I've always wanted to be quotable.

When studying becomes too difficult, work on your Halloween costume instead.

A Million Divergences

If that night in fifth grade had gone as planned... If I hadn't fallen right there... If you hadn't opened your eyes and saved us... If God hadn't taken my hand... If I had slipped from your grasp... If it had been a few inches closer...

Of these million possible paths, these million possible divergences, I've found myself here, now. If that's not a miracle, what is?

Internal Wars

Does it ever feel like every fiber of your being is straining to separate from every other piece of you? Does it ever feel like your heart is an inconsolable child, upset for no reason, and your brain the helpless adult trying to explain there's nothing to fear? Does it ever feel like the world is too big, too busy, too grand for someone like you? Like there's no time for you? No space for you? Does it ever feel like you could have done so much more for every person that's passed through your life? Could you be doing more right now? Who would let you? Does it ever feel like you've failed somehow?

Yes. More often than not.

Presidential "Debates"

All I have to say is that I'm sincerely disappointed this is the first presidential election in which I'm of voting age.

Note to self: Be less concerned with losing.

The Broken Pieces

And I want to hear about the broken pieces. I want to know, not to fix you, but to understand. I want to understand how you put yourself back together. Because not everything is about making it right again. After all, what even would be "right" about things that went so wrong? Maybe it's recognizing that perhaps things will never be right again. Maybe you don't even want to be fixed if it were possible, and that's okay. But I want to know how to carry on with missing pieces and broken parts. I always found a beauty in kintsugi, in history, in weakness, in strength.

I want to read the chapters of your story that you finished before we met.

Heartbreak

Disclaimer: Yes, I am very much so writing this to avoid studying. But also to lighten my heart, filled with too many thoughts for me to focus at all. 

---

How many stories do I have? How many stories do you want to hear?

Should I tell you about the evenings I spent in the bathroom or garage? The late nights trying to fit in? All the books I read, hoping that one would speak to me, that I could look at it and say, "Hey, there she is, there I am."

Should I tell you about how none of that worked?

Maybe you want to hear more about the sleepless nights, tormented thoughts, tear-stained pillows and journals and memories and conversations and lives.

But maybe you don't really care. Maybe all of this just serves to make you feel special. Maybe the secrets that I share are stored in a trunk, gathering dust, something that reminds you you can't throw it away, but it doesn't really mean anything either. Maybe I just open up to be closed off again.

Maybe every time I let someone in, they take a little piece of me with them when they leave. Like a bed and breakfast with a library that dwindles over time. Maybe the years I spend in different places capture a piece of my soul that I can never get back.

Maybe that's why I always feel like something's missing. Like things could be better. Like I'm always wishing I were somewhere not here, not now, not who I am.

But I'll be brought to where I need to be, with pieces of my heart and scraps of my soul leaving a breadcrumb trail through the forest back to where I started.

And maybe I feel bad about things I shouldn't.

I would gladly lose myself to gain a piece of you.

Yours

I've always wanted to be strong, but every time I look, I'm just weak. I've been broken down and battered, and they said scars made you strong, but what happens if wounds never heal? They said you're strong if you can stand back up, but what if the only reason I get up is because I'm afraid of staying down? I let others in more than I want, and less than I should. Life's beautiful, and broken, and based on nothing but whispers of truth in the night and the hope of someone to catch your tears.

I've never been my own; every piece of me belongs to someone else. Pieces of my heart and soul fly out and attach themselves to others. The countless hours of conversation, of friendship and love. I've never thought my life was worth much, but it's a story of all of the effort that others have put into me, and it would be a waste to throw it away.

The Sands of Mine

I look back and remember the time I asked you
What this meant for us
But
Neither of us knew.

We stayed up until 5am once,
Talking about God and faith and
Not knowing how deeply
We would hurt one another.

I never meant to hurt you.

"I miss reading about myself,"
You said.
And I miss writing about you, but
I really just miss you.

And at one point,
I would have loved to own the moon.
But all I really want now is to know
Someone cares.

More

Words have meaning. And you have a way with words that's beautiful, but also dangerous.

I'm an open book to a point, for anyone who takes time to read. Beyond that... Well, beyond that, it's anyone's guess what will happen.

In the timeline of God's plan...

Why is it that your story and mine have intersected at this specific point in time? And how long will the threads of our lives be intertwined?

She asked...

Why does this happen to me?
You care,
Came the reply.
You're too genuine,
Too social,
Too truthful,
Too kind.
You find beauty in ordinary things,
See the struggle in people's flaws.
You want to help.
You're made of
Deep thoughts and laughter,
Humility and compassion.
Your imagination strays towards the past,
Towards the stories you never knew,
The pain they didn't tell you.
You care.
It's all most people ever want,
To be cared for 
The way you want to care for them.

I'm intrigued.

Living it up in Toah Nipi

Had an absolutely amazing time on retreat with GCF and Boston InterVarsity in New Hampshire. It was such a blessing to meet more brothers and sisters in Christ in the area. Kickball tournaments, random games, an extremely ironic GCF's Got Talent show... It's back to MIT and studying for exams (cumes in 1 week, synth org and phys org in 2), but with a new lightness in my heart and some extra moral support.

One and Done!

Week one (not including orientation) is finished! I've become familiar enough not to be hopelessly lost in the halls, gotten my sailing license, decorated my room (at least partially), had my first couple of classes and recitations, and made some pretty amazing friends! (Also called recitation precept but that's besides the point.)

Excited for all of the learning (and teaching!) yet to be done!

I think we're too much alike, you and me.

I have an addictive and fickle personality.

Every few days I just stay up for hours and when the weight in my heart becomes too much, I pour it out to the universe.

Security

People say they hate uncertainty. I guess I like the possibilities.

***

Sometimes I think about how my funeral would evolve over the years. Who would come? Who wouldn't? Of the people I knew but fell out of touch with, of the people I just met?

More than the last time, or fewer?

And what does that mean?

I always have to keep myself from being too greedy. In the end, it only hurts myself.

New Chapter, New (Old?) Hairstyle!

Dragons

I didn't grow up with fairytales,
Perhaps for the better
Because we're not
Princesses or princes
But somewhere
In between
Helpless and courageous
And we may not be royalty
Or have happily-ever-afters
And maybe our dragons
Never really die
Maybe
We lose sometimes and
Trundle away, broken and beaten
Maybe
We celebrate victory
To be brought low again later
Maybe
Our dragon brings some friends
But maybe
Our shining armor is
Our friendship
A phone call
A hug
Our humanity
A small reminder that
The princess wept alone
And the prince fought alone
But
We
Are
Not

If I were ever to do something absolutely crazy, I would do it for you.

When others anticipate that little green dot, I look at the numbers slowly grow, reminding me of just how far apart we are.

Number 618

And in the
Swirling stardust of infinite universes
There must be one in which
You didn't have to fight to live with yourself
Choices were made differently
The boy gets the girl
And I don't have to say no

Went for my quadrennial photoshoot today - pictures to come!

Things are a little broken...

...but what's broken can be fixed... right?

Reflections

Maybe I miss you all more than I should. I probably shouldn't be doubting myself as much as I am, but I have to admit that I'm scared. I'm scared, and it was comfortable, and right now, I'm craving comfort. But what was it that I said before, that I wrote? Be comfortable being uncomfortable, because how are you supposed to grow otherwise?

Sometimes I wonder if seeing myself through someone else would be better. I see all of these wonderful people around me, and can't help but feel like an impostor. But when did we reach the point at which self-worth was measured by any extrinsic factor, by friends, by likes, by the length of a resume? A perfect profile picture or an Instagram-worthy apartment? But when did I, personally, reach the point at which my self-worth could be measured by the length of a spatula?

I'm not ready to be an adult.

Doctors and DOTS are basically telling me I should have gone to medical school.

Forgettable

I lived wanting to be replaceable for the longest time. It made sense to me. It made sense given how I felt at the time, what I thought I wanted, what I thought would help. It made sense that I wanted to be forgettable, because I figured I was.

But having been replaced so many times over the past few years... It's really not what I want. Maybe I wanted to be replaceable, to make myself replaceable, so it wouldn't hurt so much when/if it happened. Throughout all of the years of making myself replaceable... I guess I set myself up for it. I guarded myself a bit too well. I get along with others, but it's hard for me to get close. For me to let them get close.

I've always said that I would be okay with living a miserable life if it meant others were happy. I guess I wasn't planning for others to be okay being happy even if it meant I were miserable. Their ignorance would have been my bliss, I guess.

I suppose I'm a complicated person, but I've never been a very interesting one.

Sometimes it seems the full weight of futility rests upon my shoulders.

I keep trying to sign into my MIT email with @princeton.edu

It's been ages and I apologize.

I guess this blog isn't doing too well in recent years haha. Haven't been up to too much I guess, just a lot of amazing travel in Europe! Pictures have yet to go up and I'll post a couple here later too. 

Meanwhile, unpacking and repacking for Taiwan. As thankful as I am to be able to travel so much this summer, I'm pretty worn out and tired...

It's been forever since I last posted - comps, my last final, time to relax, an amazing Reunions/birthday and now time for graduation!

I'm ready for it to all be over.

Nearly two years and one year respectively and still the scars of the abuse and insecurity linger. I'm tired of this. Get me out of here already.

Literally just a text. It baffles me how difficult it is for people to remember.

14 steps longest linear

1) Decide some defining feature of yourself. You can be whatever you want, as long as it allows others to place you somehow. Pick a sport, a hobby, a defining characteristic.

2) Make sure people can identify this characteristic. 

3) Join some clubs. Hang out with people of similar interests.

4) Branch out. Find some more friends. 

5) Adapt a bit so your personality matches theirs better. But make sure you don't lose yourself; keep that core trait close to you.

6) Develop your "new" personality a bit more. 

7) Find some more hobbies to relate to more people.

8) Make sure to keep in touch with all of the friends you've made!

9) Repeat Steps 2-8 as many times as necessary to be comfortable.

10) Be that social butterfly! You want to be someone who can be friends with virtually anyone.

11) If you start feeling lonely, go back to Step 9.

12) Make sure you haven't lost that core trait in Step 1.

13) If you have, make sure you find a different defining characteristic, and make that known.

14) Above all else, don't be replaceable.

---

On that note, my synthesis held up in class today!

It's all a two-way street.

And so it begins... ends? PTL for PTL!

All Tied Up in Knots

If I told you I love you, would you believe me? Really? If you told me you loved me, would I believe you? Why?

Life is complicated sometimes, and why do I not care more than I do? As much as I should?

Because sometimes, I want to feel free and start all over again.

From Before I Knew You

As I lie awake in bed tonight, my heart hurts for the ways in which each of my friends has suffered, especially the times before they were in my life and I in theirs. How many hurts has one been through, and who was there for them when it happened? What stories would the scars on our hearts tell if they could speak, or if others could read? Which moments of pain and sorrow would be defining for each of us?

Sometimes I feel like I'm drawn to those who have suffered in silence, but maybe it's just because everyone has, at some point, in some way. I want to hear your story because I want to understand. Not just a part of you, but you, entirely, as a person. And I hope it doesn't come off as nosy or pushy, but I want to know how life brought you to where you are, to when we met. I want to be there in case you're still hurting, and in case no one was before.

It's a deep-set sadness in the brokenness of our world, but I thank God that despite it all, He's helped me focus on the good in people. The kindness beneath the aloof facade, the wistful soul beneath the abrasive front.

I see you.

Or maybe I just wish I did. Who am I to think I'm any better at this than anyone else?

Sparkles and Skylines

I miss the summer quite terribly, with its sense of freedom, travel, exploration... With knowing something new is coming but not having to worry about what exactly.

I miss familiarity. I miss the walk across campus, comfortable with where I am, knowing I'll be there a while longer... With looking around at friendly faces happy to know they're there.

I miss people. The ones I met for just a passing, and the ones who left long ago... Believing we'll meet again, but never knowing for sure.

I miss knowing myself. What I want and who I am... My definition and personal goals.

I miss you.

I'll miss you.

T-9

Thesis life and (syn)thesis life. Man. 

Edit: Add in (meta)thesis.

Thanks for the faith all.

Sorry if I've let you down.

T-1, T-11, T-14

My personal response deadline, the official deadline and my personal thesis deadline, and the official thesis deadline.

I'm so worn down. Am I even making the right choices? Would I feel this broken if I were?

Is this really better for me? Because it sure doesn't feel like something I want right now, at least in comparison.

I was so sure this time yesterday.

We just all want to feel loved.

G0, G1, really jaded G3

I've basically absorbed all characteristics of multiple generations of grad students. I'm obviously a G0 because I have no idea where I'm going to grad school or what I'm going to do in grad school or what's happening in life. A G1 because I'd like to claim credit for being the MacMillan MVP of recruiting and icing this year. A G3 because my thesis project did not and probably will not work and this thesis is a pain to write, super boring to read, and completely inconsequential.

Man, I should have gone into finance/consulting (that's a lie, I would hate my life).

Picking and Choosing

It seems like regardless of what I pick, I'm losing something, disappointing someone else and myself. I thought there wasn't supposed to be a bad choice?

Man, screw grad school, I just want to be friends with everyone.

Say Something

I've never thought of myself as particularly eloquent. Or funny, or witty, or wise. There are beautiful phrases out there that come from beautiful souls and sometimes I wonder if the fact that my words are so cheap means I'm shallow.

I hate repeating myself but it seems that's all I do. What is this cycle I've gotten myself into? Momentum and safety and security, and who ever went outside for a snowball fight to be safe? Did God ever promise our comfort? And which comfort is more worth having? 

I never thought anyone would ever weigh my words and decide they were worth buying. Density was always a characteristic of me and not what I had to offer. 

I always read through old comments in yearbooks. They were all the same but they were all reassuring. Comforting. Could I be proud of them? Just words scrawled on paper from people I barely knew. And maybe that's the only reason why. Because who ever really knows another person? And who ever really wants to be known so deeply by another human being?

I should just take a poll at this point.

On nights like these, when every thought is clamoring for a piece of my mind... Just a little bit of music, a little bit of prayer.

On Twisted Insides and Unclear Paths

For some reason I thought this would be so much easier than I envisioned. This? Just... life. Taking steps. They always say to take it slow, one step at a time, but some steps are bigger than others and it's not my fault I was born short. People and things... I try not to live, to decide, for people, but undoubtedly people are what make the decision worth it. So should I start? You never told me about this, and it seems so materialistic to choose otherwise but how am I supposed to envision life... or anything really... after a half-decade? Sometimes I wonder if I want what I do. Maybe I'm just exceedingly good at sticking to the plan. A plan. Any plan. I never came in thinking of how I'd come out. I sort of trusted it would work.

If nothing else, you won't fault me for not giving credit where it's due.

Well, damn.

I almost wish I weren't having such a good time.

Will I regret joining? Will I regret not?

If I could pick any of the triple threat talents, I'd want to be able to dance.

A Copper Ball

I went to a fortune teller yesterday. I wasn't sure what I wanted to accomplish. A sense of direction maybe, or some meaning to some life, if not my own. I thought I'd learn a thing or two, things not visible in the dog-eared textbooks or solvent fumes of my everyday life. Maybe I just wanted some company for a half hour, and a respite from the dogged wind, even if it came at the price of $15 and shameless lies. Maybe I wanted someone to hold my hand, even if it was to trace the creases on my palm, or to look at me kindly, even if it was through a crystal ball. 

She told me to measure my friendships in stars, in whispers, in misspelled words. That the best stories are made from raw emotion and half-baked ideals, and the best people don't know the difference. She told me about her dog and how it was put down because it attacked a girl to save her from something only it saw. And she told me about the apple pies browning in the oven that she would never eat, because they were too cliché, and she didn't like apples anyways. We went out for frozen yogurt later. 

I didn't mind that it was all a sham. Maybe she was lonely too. And I thought maybe the best way to keep people was to not even try.

Keep looking for something more. Be content, but not satisfied.

This one's for you, jerk.

What are the odds
You find someone remarkably
Like yourself
Yet so utterly distinct
You could never understand?
You would
Never
Expect to think,
"Yeah, I feel that"
But you do,
And it pulls at the
Threads of your life
As they're intertwined
With another's.
Do we have to specify
How we
Came to where we are
How we
Understand one another?
Maybe kindred spirits
Exist to teach us just how
Different
We can be,
To rejoice in our common
Humanity
Thank each other for our stories
Share a journey.

T-7 days until three weeks touring the country!

By the country, I mean grad programs, but close enough.

At least you'll admit you were wrong in liking her while dating me, and claiming you didn't. It's not much compared to what happened, but it's something.

Scripps!

Had an absolutely amazing time in La Jolla this past weekend. Met some pretty amazing people, learned about exciting chemistry, and I could definitely see myself there for my graduate career. Psyched for what the other visits hold, but for now, it's time to catch up on work!

From 7 to 67

Okay, that's a bit of a lie since it's been unseasonable warm today and yesterday, but I'm ready for sunny San Diego regardless. Flying out tomorrow morning bright and early!

This semester is strange. Very little coursework - lots of precept and review posts though - and lots of labwork, though not enough for me to feel comfortable about writing my thesis... And coming soon, a three-week break from Princeton.

I'm not sure how to approach any of this.

But I have this really cute, really smart, really awesome guy by my side through it all, so it could be a lot worse in any case. =]

When relationships, beautiful as they were, become toxic, then it's time to let go.

If someone doesn't want to be friends, they're always seen as the bad guy. I'm okay with that if it means this will be over.

I'm tired of defending people to others; maybe it's time for me to realize something they see that I don't

It's only happened three times, but each time trying to justify it to others/myself just made me confused and more hurt. Perhaps when so many other people say it's time to just accept they didn't consider you as much as you consider them, that they're seeing something you're blind to because you didn't want to think they could really just throw you away for something else, or for nothing at all. Maybe there's truth in things you don't want to accept. But if it's a risk they were willing to take, then it's not something you have to hold onto regardless of how much it hurts.

Show yourself some grace. It's been months, and if it's still not okay, then it's not okay. And that's okay.

"Dating a best friend's ex, with or without their consent, is the best way to end a friendship."

I made a title page

Does this count as having started my thesis?

I never until now realized how much I'd been controlled in the past. And with that, it's not going to happen anymore.

And yeah, maybe it's a little gratifying that everyone else realizes how shitty of a situation this is, and how shitty it is for me to be put here. And maybe this is another of those cases where you delude yourself into thinking people are your friends when your friendship isn't worth enough, even if it is worth something.

Because of course this whole best friend dating ex causing all the problems hasn't been beaten to death in sitcoms and dramas... Apparently my life is a good option too.

Of course neither of you understand considering you played the exact same role in your respective positions.

7/7

If they all think I can do it, I guess it's time to make sure I can.

Imposter Syndrome

I think this is arguably the longest I've ever gone without posting on this blog... What can I say, it's been a crazy semester/past few months. I suppose I should go with a quick recap.

First semester... Hm. Lots of stress over graduate and fellowship applications (but more so waiting for decisions), graduate courses, relationships, faith, friends, **thesis**... It's definitely been a rollercoaster, but a fun one in retrospect I suppose. PEF/Manna retreat was absolutely amazing, as was my trip to Boston following it. Both left me a little bruised and battered physically (that's what happens when I try to play sports), and the first a little banged up emotionally. It was great bonding with friends new and old though, and it was a much needed break from Princeton. Thesis is stressing me out still, especially since my project still doesn't work, I don't have full characterizations of any of my molecules, and I haven't started writing yet... Woops. God is good though.

And praise to Him, I've heard back (positively) from most all of my graduate programs now!

[y] California Institute of Technology
[y] Harvard University
[y] Massachusetts Institute of Technology
[y] The Scripps Research Institute
[] Stanford University
[y] University of California Berkeley
[y] University of California Irvine

Still yet to hear back from fellowships, but the grad programs are the important part. It's almost hard to find motivation now that I know I'm "safe" but I'm also terrified by how much I don't know, and how much I don't even know I should know. I can't help but think what if I should up for a visit weekend or for the fall and everyone realizes I'm not anything like what they expected? Guess there's my motivation to keep working hard and learning more so I can be a bit more prepared...

Through all of this, I'm so thankful for Mike. He's been such a blessing and so patient and understanding through all of my stress and mood swings. First semester was made just a little (or quite a lot) better by his being there.

It's going to be a good last semester. Crazy to think I'll be leaving this place in less than half a year...