I lived wanting to be replaceable for the longest time. It made sense to me. It made sense given how I felt at the time, what I thought I wanted, what I thought would help. It made sense that I wanted to be forgettable, because I figured I was.
But having been replaced so many times over the past few years... It's really not what I want. Maybe I wanted to be replaceable, to make myself replaceable, so it wouldn't hurt so much when/if it happened. Throughout all of the years of making myself replaceable... I guess I set myself up for it. I guarded myself a bit too well. I get along with others, but it's hard for me to get close. For me to let them get close.
I've always said that I would be okay with living a miserable life if it meant others were happy. I guess I wasn't planning for others to be okay being happy even if it meant I were miserable. Their ignorance would have been my bliss, I guess.
I suppose I'm a complicated person, but I've never been a very interesting one.
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