Healing

I've long discovered that the best way for me to heal is to help others heal. That, however horrible it sounds, the "best" thing which could happen to me when I'm crying, completely lost, and feeling hopeless, is for a friend to call me in tears.

My friends mean more to me than my life, because if it weren't for them, I might not have one. Because being able to help them in any way means more to me than almost anything else. Because their problems are more important than my own. Because helping them takes my mind off my own worries, so that when I come back to them, they seemed much more manageable. Because my friends will always, always come first.

So thank you for calling me when you're going through tough times. When you need someone to talk to. Thank you for trusting me with your worries and your frustrations. Thank you for letting me help.

The only promises I would ever break are ones to myself.

The only person I automatically don't trust is me.

Earbuds

In light of having misplaced mine.

***

Every day, he takes out the cheap earbuds and sees that the wires have tangled into a mess at the bottom of his backpack, and every day, he spends the next ten minutes carefully rewinding them into some semblance of order around his hand-me-down Walkman. 

Then he sinks back into the library couch, sighs, and feels the warmth of the afternoon sunshine dance across his skin. There is music playing in his head (around and around, forever there) and he does not notice when his eyes drift shut, and, in a quiet corner behind the bookshelves, he slumbers.

When he awakes, he does so slowly, because he doesn’t want to think about what comes next (he winces at the memory of countless nights spent locked away in a room with no windows, the cries of those around him – another girl came in today) and he works hard to remember that he takes what he can get.

He wishes, sometimes, that he could sleep on that library couch forever. (I would never get back up—and is it wrong to say that may be my one hope?) 

The music stops. In the back of his mind, he can hear the cries of the parentless children and he cannot ignore them any longer. 

So he picks up his Walkman and painstakingly wraps the earbud wires around it, all the while praying that someone would come and take him away. (where? anywhere, far enough to forget) But his plead remains unanswered, and he drops his talisman of peace inside the tattered pack, strides out the library doors, his steps weighed down with anguish. 

(Mama, mama, aren’t I so brave? Look at me—look—
—Mama?) 

By the time the sun peeks over the horizon, the earbuds have dropped to the depths of his bag, whirled and confused and never quite right. 

(Please don’t leave—!)

Getting Used to Things

"You should be getting used to orgo tests."
"I know it's sad, but stuff like this happens, so we just need to get used to it."
"You'll get used to it."

But no, no I don't. I don't get used to taking tests. I don't get used to giving speech, performing on a stage. I don't get used to the fact that horrible things happen in this world, and that the world moves on so quickly that those embroiled in the event are left behind.

I don't get used to things.

And while it sucks when it comes to taking a test, or when those nerves come before a performance, or to witnessing world disasters and not being able to move on like others do, I guess it can be a good thing as well. I don't get used to sunny days and gorgeous weather. I don't get used to being able to call friends when I need them. I don't get used to late-night phone calls, or waking up to texts in the morning, or long walks under the stars, or coasting down a hill on my bike. I don't get used to hugs, or shared secrets, or smiles. And maybe not getting used to them isn't the right phrase, but it means I usually don't take things for granted. Each one is still a miracle for me in a way. And I guess this is why I'm able to "set" my default mood to happy, and my day to pretty good. 

Maybe I don't get used to things, and maybe that's not a bad thing, because that means that in my life, the good things will always outweigh the bad.

Hakuna Matata

Sugar petals linger on the thought of childhood – 

Meeting Mickey Mouse at Disneyworld, old friends to dance and play 

Singing of time and priceless joys, fly back I wish I could. 

Blissful days on playground swings, seesaws of dented wood, 

Imaginary friends and wistful things and fingers stuck with clay 

Singing of time and priceless joys, fly back I wish I could. 

Fairy tales and princesses, Little Red Riding Hood, 

Toys R Us and gleaming crowns, whine to get my way, 

Singing of time and priceless joys, fly back I wish I could. 

Journeys to the beach and camping trips, never misunderstood 

Playing in snow and drinking cocoa, waiting up for Santa’s sleigh 

Singing of time and priceless joys, fly back I wish I could. 

Banging on piano keys, trek back to where I stood, 

Chasing butterflies with no life worries is where I want to stay 

Singing of time and priceless joys, fly back I wish I could. 

Planning tea parties and costume balls, living life as we should 

Piggyback rides and field trip fun, skies that were never gray 

Singing of time and priceless joys, fly back I wish I could.

Communiversity!

Morning was spent rushing from place to place and leaving events early haha. Got up a bit late for helping TASA set up, but went regardless. Lots of can-opening, chopping ai yu, and mixing in huge gallon jugs. Super delicious though! xD 

Got to orgo review late, left orgo review bit early. Went to Matt's arch sing, prepared more ai yu, and wandered around Communiversity for a bit. It was pretty fun, lots of food and random booths and happy people. =] Reminded me a lot of the Art and Wind Festival back home. Grabbed dinner, which was surprisingly good, then went back to do work.

Rest of the day was spent orgo and COS-ing. Funfunfun. Pretty stressful and I definitely felt (and still sort of feel) overwhelmed. I... can't even begin to express how unprepared I am. Ah well. Not sure I would change anything if I could. There are more important things in life, although I do need to get better at my balancing act (I never had a good sense of balance...) Back to studying for a bit, then bed. =]

Happy Birthday Matt!

One final birthday wish - probably the last one you'll get this year. ;P It's so weird to think that a year ago, we were prefrosh getting lost and feeling almost overwhelmed by Princeton. It's also weird to think that I've only known you for a year haha. You've been such an amazing friend and I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I love you, and I hope you had a wonderful day. =]

Class of 2016 Boat Cruise!

The boat cruise was absolutely amazing. The skies were clear and the weather was gorgeous, so we had a stunning view. It was just a great time hanging out with friends, with everyone looking super amazing, enjoying life and feeling blessed.

Fall 2013

CHM345 - Biochemistry

PHY103 - General Physics I

MAT202 - Linear Algebra with Applications

ECO310 - Microeconomic Theory: A Mathematical Approach

CLA219 - The Roman Empire, 31 BC to AD 337

Pretty excited for next semester! It was a bit of a bummer having to move my biochem precept (the one I had was Tuesday at 1:30 but closed by the time sophomore course selection opened), but it's a pretty decent schedule. No more 8:30 class! It's going to be difficult, as always, but I'm getting out of intro courses into being able to actually pick what I take! (Okay, that's an overstatement, I definitely didn't take some intro courses this year, and physics/math for next year are still pretty basic.) In any case, hopefully it'll go well! There are so many great courses here, it's always hard to choose. =]

"They give you a silver spoon; keep it shining."

Chemiluminescence

This was like the best lab day ever. Got out in time for late meal, no lab report (just discussion questions), plus the lab itself was the *best.* 

I did the blue one first, knowing it would probably be blue, not expecting it to glow too much. And when I added the reagents together, it was pretty much what I was expecting - a dim blue tint, nothing too exciting. Then Professor Gingrich comes over, asks if I'm disappointed, and I tell him I am a little. He beckons Lisa, my lab TA, over, and asks her to add "pixie dust" (imidazole). By this time, a different TA, Patrick, has meandered over to watch my reaction as well (and with good cause). She adds it, I'm expecting it to glow a little stronger but still pretty faintly. But no, I shook it, and the vial lit up like a lantern. I promptly let out a "Oh sh-" and proceed to freak out. I then rush back to my lab bench to do the other two.

By this time, Jason (my lab partner) has finished his, so I rush back over to see the vial light up a super bright orange. I then freak out because I figured out I had enough product left to do three more, and tell Jason to hold off the rest of the reactions until we can set them all up and do them all at once (he didn't have as much product so we were going to just use mine). I'm pretty sure all of the lab TAs and Professor Gingrich were greatly amused by my excitement, because Patrick comes over as I'm readying the given fluorescers (orange, green, and blue) and asks if I'd like a pinkish red one as well. 

Readied all four of the reactions, reacted all of them, and bam. 

I definitely told them that this was the best day of my life. And that's probably an exaggeration, but it's a pretty excellent day now. =] And honestly, I'm pretty sure my lab TAs were almost as entertained by my reaction to the reaction as I was by the actual reaction.

This is part of why I love chemistry.

Fine

Don't worry, because I knew what you meant when you said everything would be fine. Because I've been through it too many times to retain that "naive hope." Because I mean the same thing when I say things will be fine, and that you'll be fine. Because I know that fine is never just fine. Because I use it so many times, the only definition that make sense any more is the meaning you gave.

I never liked it when he told me he was fine. "How was your day?" "Fine." "How were classes?" "Fine." And I'd press him for more details, and eventually they'd come, but conversations rarely started without a "Fine."

And it bothered me because my own version of "fine" was so different from his own. That my "fine" seemed to be so different from everyone else's. Because my fine meant more than just fine. Because my fine wasn't just a backup answer. Because my fine meant that I that I was struggling, that I was fighting hard to see the hope that wasn't evident to me, but that despite this, I knew that this was just another test. Because I would keep going and get through it, and whatever was holding me back at the moment wouldn't be in the future. Because my fine didn't mean that I was okay, it meant that I would be, eventually. It didn't mean that I wasn't failing, wasn't struggling, but that despite this, I knew there was a bigger meaning and things that were more important. My fine wasn't neutral.

And people knew this, if they didn't completely understand it. That my default mode wasn't "fine." Because my default was "pretty good," and my days were never "bad." At first they would ask me, "Why? What made your day good?" And they found it weird that I never really had a particular reason. And they found it even weirder that even on days I got back a failing test grade, bruised myself in guard, tripped and forgot things, I still called it a pretty good day. Because, I thought, just one good thing would be enough to counter most of the bad things which happened. Because one blessing, however small, gave enough hope to get me through most of the troubles of the day. And after a while, I guess my friends caught on a little. Because when I responded to "How are you?" with "Fine." some of them would ask "Why just fine?" And I would know that they knew, that they had realized my fine meant more than just fine.

So don't worry about telling me it will be fine, because even if your definition of fine doesn't line up with your meaning, mine does. 

I know that fine is never that simple.

Today

6:52 am. She looks into the mirror, tugs a strand of hair behind an ear, and sighs. Yet another day. Walking to the bus, she grabs a muffin for the ride, and steadies herself for the onslaught that she knows will come. She settles into her seat at the very back and watches as others stream on, laughing and smiling, all ready for another day. She pulls the ear buds from her pockets, undoes the neatly coiled wires, and switches on her music.

Today is your day.

She stares out the window, sees cars passing by and a few joggers on their morning workout. She wonders what their lives are like. Where are they going? What do they have planned for the day? What are their stories? She smiles as she sees a couple, the guy’s arm casually draped around the girl’s shoulders. She closes her eyes for a while and imagines how perfect their lives might be. Pretty soon the bus driver is yelling at her to get off, and she does so, slowly and reluctantly. As she heads to her first class, she pauses in front of the doors and steels herself. She switches up the music and walks in.

Today is your day.

And immediately, the names start. Loser. Hey freak! She tries to ignore them. She knows they aren’t right. They can’t be right.

You deserve a chance to shine.

But throughout the day, it gets a little harder to not care. Notes scribbled on her desk. You’re worthless. A letter in her locker. Everyone would be better off without you. And the words flung at her, pounding, pounding in her head. Disgrace. Selfish. Hopeless. And she turns her music up louder, trying to drown out the voices, the voices telling her that she’s a waste of space, a sorry excuse for a human being. It can’t be true, it can’t be. She does well in school, she tries to help others, she’s a good person – she is, right? – so they can’t be right. Remember, you don’t deserve anything you’ve been given.

You knew that you deserved it ‘cause you’ve been through a whole lot.

And she’s glad to be back on the bus, back in her world, staring out the window. She loses herself in the lives of others, making up stories for the people she sees outside, making their lives so much, so much better than hers.

‘Cause you knew there’d be a day you’d have your way.

But she goes back home to the same type of hell. How are you so stupid? A tear falls down her face as she works on her calculus homework. You’re a disappointment to everyone around you. And she locks herself in her room, shuts out the world, blasts music so loud it’s almost loud enough to hide her own thoughts.

Even in your own home it’s a battle zone, ‘cause everything you did wasn’t good enough for them.

And she fights those battles, a brave soldier, journeying on despite her wounds, these gaping holes in her heart where those harsh words cut to her soul. But she keeps on going, bleeding, bleeding, just trying to keep her head high, a smile on her face.

You’re smiling on the outside but inside it’s cold.

And she curls up in her bed at 2 am, making herself as small as possible among fluffy blankets and stuffed animals. And she cries, tears streaming down her face, staring through the window at the moon, trying to find the serenity that was the norm a few years ago.

And you prayed every night hoping for a better day.

And when she finally falls asleep, her dreams are peaceful. In them, she’s accepted, and loved, and happy with her place in the world.

But come morning, those dreams are shattered. Her eyes flicker open and after a few minutes staring at the blank white ceiling, she drags herself out of bed to face the world once more.

And that’s why you’re amazing, you never gave up.

But after a while, hours, days, weeks, months, she does give up. She cuts herself down, she believes those voices, and with the same determination that she approached every day hoping for a better day, that night she decides it’s not worth it.

The choice is yours so now or never.

And in the morning, she’s gone.

And at her funeral, everyone cries. Her friends, her family, her teachers, mentors, coworkers. And yes, they had called her things, but they called her beautiful, and kind, smart and selfless. They called her a role model, their role model. They told her she was a wonderful person, that she was going places, that she was always so positive. They told her what a great friend she was. They told her how lucky and how blessed they were to know her, and how she had a beautiful soul. They told her how they admired her willingness to help others. And they saw the smile on her face since it brought smiles to their own, and they loved her happiness and energy. They told her how they loved her.

And they all cried because none of them saw it coming. Her only tormentor was herself. Each and every one of those voices was in her head. Each and every one of those voices was her own.

And as the only song on her playlist played in the background, everyone looked to the sky.

You look good up top from down below.

And maybe it does hurt a little that they don't ask if I'm okay. But you know what? That's okay, because just one is enough. And there's always one.

Productive Unproductivity

I've been spending my past few days doing quite a bit of stuff. All completely unrelated to the stuff I should be doing though... And thus continues my history of productive procrastination.

Honestly, it's horrible, because I'm essentially fooling myself into thinking I've been productive when I really haven't. As in, "Oh hey, I read politics! Which is due after my three tests!" or "Hey I folded like 20 paper cranes!" or "I finished *insert miscellaneous errand here*". Granted, the stuff I did today needed to be finished before the weekend, and considering my Thursday class schedule and Friday extracurricular schedule, it was either today or tomorrow... But I probably *should* have studied first...

Ah well. At least I'm proud of what I did do, even if it means I'm slightly more behind on work. Totally worth it. =]

Enough to Let Me Go

And maybe, hopefully, if I listen to it enough, that little seed of pain and sadness that still emerges whenever I hear it will go away.

I am ridiculously excited for this weekend, even though it means that three tests will be imminent.

And in the future...

I hope that my kids will have a dad who treats them like princesses/princes and takes the time out of his busy day to do little things which will make their day, like watch and dance to Beauty and the Beast.

Impulsive Posts

As many of you well know, I have a tendency to write blog posts which rant, lament, etc based off my current state of mind. In the end, it seems like those posts tend to be filled with anger and frustration. And they generally were published, just because I, in a way, needed to know that *someone* read them. But now, I find myself writing even just a sentence of what I want to get out, and then not feeling the need anymore. Honestly, it just doesn't seem... important in a sense.

And undoubtedly there will still be posts being sad about orgo, or frustrated about some aspect of life, but I'm hoping to keep them to a minimum. 

Life's too short and too beautiful too dwell on minor frustrations.

Talking to you is probably the best part of my night. =]

CAPS Carnival!

Helped out at the CAPS Carnival today! Got to "sub" as a big sib for Kira and Michaela too, since Matt was busy at a wedding. It was super fun - we made bracelets/necklaces, paper chains, drew pictures, made paper lanterns, got "tattoos," learned some bboy moves, made a human chain with other people to play the hula hoop game (and learned how to hula hoop!), made paper airplanes, and proceeded to chase one another around with said airplanes and play "airplane tag." Rather tiring (5 hours!) but totally worth it. =] I forget how amazingly energetic little kids can be haha. They were telling me tons of stories about birthday parties, and bees and stuff, and it was adorable. It was also great to see how well they got along with each other - my sister and I were never super close just because of the age difference, but it reminds me of when we'd dress up together and make absolutely horrible (but hilarious) home videos.

A favorite moment from today:
Me: "What should I write to Matt?"
Kira: "You love him?"
(Awhhhh)

***

Looked over my second orgo exam (finally). Yup, stupid mistakes. Left a few blank. Absolutely horrible mechanisms for the ones I did do, some horrible reasoning for others. Bam, 36%. In any case, it's over haha.

This week's econ pset is the worst. I can't even express how frustrating it is.

But regardless, it was a good day. =] Carnival definitely made everything better.

Boston Bombings

As much as I feel for the inhabitants of Boston, the students and police force at MIT, and as much as I want the perpetrators to be stopped and face the consequences of what they did, I can't help but be sad at all of the anger in the world right now. So many calls for violence against these men, for them to rot in hell, accusing their father of being a terrorist... It's just saddening to see that this is what resulted from the bombings. As uplifting as it was to see the camaraderie and selflessness of those willing to help in the aftermath, all of this hatred is just really sobering...

In any case, praying for Boston and MIT  ♥

Mona Lisa with TSP

Because this time, I *believe* I'm not alone.

Closed Chapters

Some chapters of my life I don't want to relive. I know there's merit in rereading and reflecting, but reliving is an entirely different story. It's like a story or an essay I can't stop myself from going back to. I thought I concluded this section already - it's been repeated too many times already. It's funny to think how when this chapter started, I didn't even know what the words meant. And yet, even as I learned, the ink kept flowing.

I realized today that I tend to go back to you every 2-3 years. I suppose you're a bit overdue. But I'm ready for you, and this time, I'm going to make sure you're gone for good.

Surprises

And despite all of my old talk about disliking surprises, I really did appreciate everything you did - how you'd show up spontaneously with random gifts or ask if I wanted to go on a walk or how I'd come home and you'd text me to check my doorstep. I guess my dislike of surprises was really just because I never thought enough to surprise you as much as you did me.

I've learned a lot, and I'm sorry for not fully appreciating you.

Accomplishments?

I always feel so proud of myself when I figure out something we're doing in COS precept on my own. I never know whether this is a good thing though, because it's usually something I would probably know if I paid any sort of attention in class/precept. Woops.

And let me find strength in my imperfections.

To Show Love

And I realize how rarely I show the people in my life that I love them. How little I tell them how much they matter and how much I care. How often conversations end with a rushed goodbye or careless see you later.

And if something were to happen, I want to be able to remember the last thing I said. I want it to have been about how much I love them.

So I vow to, from now on, not assume but make sure that each and every person in my life knows how important they are to me, and that they have a place in my heart.

The world keeps turning, but life doesn't move on for all. Cherish every day and every person within your day. Thank you all for being in mine. ♥

"Peace comes from knowing who is in control. Action comes from seeking what he has for us to do in the areas he has placed us in."

Tragedy

So many horrible things have happened lately - I just... I don't even know what to think. And to think I was worrying about the small things. It really just puts everything into perspective. Life is just so precious, and just being able to do what you love, and be around the people you love is such a blessing. 

Please pray for everyone in Boston. I thank God that all of my friends in the area are safe, but just how close some were to attending, the idea that it could have been them, that there are people dead and injured... My thoughts and prayers to everyone affected.

"It's a pleasure having students like you Erica."

I honestly thought I would never hear those words again, at least not for a while. It always seemed like something told to students who stood out in terms of academics, in addition to involvement on campus, personality, and other factors. At least, that's the message I got whenever I heard it in high school or prior. But I don't stand out here, and that's not a bad thing. Though I try to stay involved here at Princeton, and to keep my grades up, I'm nowhere near as involved as in high school, nor are my grades that high. Granted, this is from an adviser and not one of my professors, so scores potentially don't really factor in as much, but I never thought that in this university of thousands of extremely accomplished, exceptionally bright students and just great people in general, anyone would ever tell me it was a pleasure to have people like *me* as a student.

Read Record Replay!

Biking in a dress is a rather awkward endeavor.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Productivity

I've essentially been working the whole day, yet I don't feel as though I've accomplished anything... The stuff I've finished is pretty minor, and I'm not even sure it's correct. Actually, chances are it's not.

I'm completely exhausted right now; I still have an orgo lab, orgo pset, and COS program to go. Tomorrow's completely booked except before 11:30am and from 7-9pm with club stuff... I don't even understand. xD

11:30-1:30          Innovation
1:30-2:30            Orgo lab help session
2:00-4:00            RRR Photoshoot
3:30-5:30            PUCS
6:00-7:00            Wilson Council
9:00-whenever     TASA

I don't even know what to do about the stuff that coincides haha. Ah well, it'll work itself out. So much work!

Work Work Work...

The prefrosh are gone... Preview passed so amazingly quickly. Wow. I almost want to host the second preview too, but considering how busy I was this time around, and how lucky I am to have the weekend to catch up on work... Granted, we won't have Night Market next Preview, but we *will* have classes.

Ah well, I guess I'll just be content meeting random prefrosh. =] Meanwhile, politics notes, orgo lab, orgo pset, mol lab, COS programming... I got this.

Night Market!

Today was absolutely ridiculously busy. Such an amazing day, but completely hectic.

Woke up for class, went to COS and econ. COS was actually pretty fun - I do like regular expressions. They're like mini mind-twisters haha. So many levels! But it's fun - I think this was one of the precepts I enjoyed the most.
Got the econ midterm back. Once again, made a completely stupid mistake which lost me 2 points - completely read the question wrong. The others I lost I actually didn't know how to do though, so whatever. Still a decent score.

And thus started the crazy day.

Grabbed a really quick 15 min lunch, headed up to Labyrinth to pick out picture books! TASA's doing Read, Record, Replay, where we make audio tapes of (usually) picture books and send them along with the book to underprivileged elementary school children. Labyrinth was absolutely amazing and just told us to pick any books from certain shelves. We ended up with 101 books, including Dr. Seuss and Winnie-the-Pooh. I'm so excited for this!

Headed over to East Pyne to start setting up for Night Market. Made a few rather cute signs, with Taiwan-asaurus Rex, Domo, and Doraemon drawn on them haha. Helped string up lanterns - everything looked pretty awesome.

Ran/biked to Frick to give a chem tour. I didn't know much about independent work and the labs, but thankfully I gave the tour with a junior, Emily, who fielded all of those questions. I just really answered any questions I could and talked to people about everything in general. I really just love seeing what people are interested in - I think it definitely helped our tour just in the sense that I was always talking to someone about something haha.

Headed to Dillon Gym for Activities Fair. Saw Frank there!!! Spent a good hour walking around distributing Night Market postcards and essentially badgering prefrosh (and students even) to come to Night Market haha. It was pretty chill - signed up for the Bartending 101 thing too. We'll see if I actually do that; I do think it would be fun.

Went back to East Pyne, set up tables/chairs. We had a one-hour "break" during which we took tons of postcards and shoved them under the doors of dorms haha. Also grabbed a quick dinner at RoMa. Headed back to East Pyne to put some finishing touches and help people set up.

The next 3 hours were a complete blur. Selling tickets, selling boxers, drinking ai yu and eating delicious Asian food, talking to Brandon/Lawrence/Kathryn... Saying hi to people and chatting. There were SO many people. A bit bummed I didn't really get to see the performances, but I DID get to talk to the performers. They were all super nice and thankful to be there, which was absolutely amazing.

Cleaning up was sort of a hassle but TASA works so well together. People were being super efficient helping one another fold/carry tables and chairs, roll marley, scrub the floors... It's absolutely amazing how well we work together - everyone's so supportive and willing to do anything to make everything better. I sincerely love TASA so much.

Had a half hour break before a TASA chilldown, so we actually went to an arch sing in Blair. Had enough time to see the Nassoons and KJ perform before we headed off. Every time I go to an arch, I sincerely wish I knew how to sing... They're just so absolutely amazing; I don't even understand.

TASA chilling was pretty fun. A lot of bantering; we watched a bit of HIMYM and had champagne. Which "doesn't count as drinking, because it's classy." Haha, in any case, I definitely don't like the taste of anything alcoholic, even as mildly alcoholic as champagne. Took a sip just to toast the TASA team, then proceeded to extremely dilute the rest with apple juice. xD

Night Market was ridiculously successful - over 1,100 (we tallied 1,134 but probably missed a few) attendees, the performers were great, the food was delicious (as usual), and it was super amazing. Definitely weird to think that one year ago, I was a prefrosh being insanely excited about Night Market when I learned about it at the Activities Fair, chilling with people I had just met the day before while listening to music and watching performances at this event that I now helped coordinate and set up. Absolutely insane.

Came back and had a pretty nice suite/prefrosh conversation. =]

It's been such a great day, I can't even express how absolutely happy and at peace I am.

Welcome 2017!

Yay tiger cubs!

Got out of lab early so I had an absolute blast painting my face and decorating the Wilson Jungle Cart. I definitely got a bit too excited - I was super pumped orgo lab got out early so I could actually pick up my prefrosh, decided to maybe get a few stripes, and ended up wrapping a golf cart in balloons and streamers, body painting people, and painting my OWN face haha. Ran up to Richardson screaming Wilson and hanging off the side of the Jungle Cart, throwing sunglasses and candy at prefrosh, and having an amazing time in general.

I'm ridiculously happy for the 2017ers. =] I made such amazing friends at my preview, and it honestly just made me fall in love with Princeton. It's an awesome experience, and honestly I'm a bit jealous of the prefrosh for being able to experience the magic of Princeton for the first time. It'll be great seeing the lanyards, string backpacks, and excited new Tigers on campus for the next couple of days!

Flirty Eight (Seven?) Prefrosh!

Trap's "grandzees"

The prefrosh are coming!

Spring from Both Coasts

Love this girl. ♥

Phantom of the Opera

A bit of a chilling tale, but absolutely amazing. Definitely loved Carlotta. Such a sassy and hilarious character. The Phantom was absolutely phenomenal. Christine was good, but the Phantom. Just wow. I definitely loved it, though I do have to say that I think I like Once more, if only for the general vibe and hipster-ness haha.

Had a pretty amazing day today. I spent pretty much all of COS precept and econ lecture (and a fair deal of politics lecture/precept really) sending e-mails and formatting things. Mainly for TASA, but a little bit of PUCS preparation too.

Not that it matters nearly as much as anything else that happened today, but I did pretty well on my econ midterm. Sort of continues the trend of a good day haha. And *almost* makes up for that absolutely horrific grade in orgo. Orgo was so bad I didn't even feel that bad, because instead of "I could have done so much better if I had studied more, done more problems, etc etc," it was more like "Yeah no, I obviously had no idea what the shit I was doing at all." Oh well...

T-1 until Night Market!!! Ahhh clubs. And how they get so busy around Preview weekend...

Speaking of which, THE PREFROSH ARE COMING! Tomorrow! Can't wait to meet mine - I hope she's awesome. ;D If not, I guess I'll just have to convince her not to come aha. Joking, joking. I feel a bit bad, since I'll be relatively busy (sososo much club stuff Friday) and won't be able to hang out with her much, but honestly, I barely ever saw my host during Preview and still had an absolute blast. I'm ridiculously excited for this. =]

Spring is Here!

It's absolutely gorgeous outside, sunny and warm and a little breezy. It reminds me so much of California and just walking around makes me amazingly happy.

Off to see Phantom on Broadway! It's going to be amazing. This week promises to be the most unproductive but enjoyable one yet. =]

***

Got more information on my housing assignment over the summer - this is actually insane. I already get my own bedroom and bathroom, sharing a living room and kitchen with another intern, which is absolutely ridiculous. But then the apartment is fully furnished, as in linens, towels, a TV... And the kitchen is fully stocked with utensils and everything. And we get housekeeping services every two weeks. They wash our dishes. THEY. WASH. OUR. DISHES. What is this, I'm living in a hotel over the summer.

Lunch with Prof. Reider

The guy is amazing. Apparently he actually started the program to have interns, so I have to thank him for that. He also gave me contact names in case I needed anything, told the executive director there about me... And he offered to help me out during the internship too, and direct me to people if I had any questions or problems. Plus he just told me all about Amgen in general, and the program. The people there sound great, and I'm just really excited too meet everyone and work in such a great environment.

I finally realize the extent of my luck and truly how blessed I am - I knew it was insane that I got the internship, but apparently they only have about two dozen chemistry internships across three branches in Thousand Oaks, San Francisco, and Cambridge. I mean, granted there are bio and finance and other sort of internships as well, but this is completely unbelievable. That I, a freshman with pretty much no research experience, who is currently enrolled in orgo/hasn't finished it yet, who isn't even an adult could get such an amazing opportunity.

This just made me so much more excited for the summer. I'm insanely grateful for this amazing opportunity and I completely can't wait! 

***

It's also, once again, an absolutely gorgeous day. =]

A Contented Busy-ness

There's so much to do, but it's going to be super awesome! For once I'm booked solely with things that I actually want to do. =]

***

Grabbing lunch with Prof. Reider today - not exactly sure what to talk about, but I really just want to hear about what he did at Amgen, and learn more about the company. I'm so ridiculously excited for the summer, I just sort of want an inside scoop on what working there will be like.

Heading over to sort out some TigerDeal stuff with Mehek - hopefully it works out well! I'll be so insanely excited if it works out well. Plus today's a beautiful day to be outside, so it'll be nice to grab some froyo or something from Fruity Yogurt after the meeting and walk back.

PUCS prospective major event in Frick from 7-8, which should be fun. Honestly, I'm not completely sold on chemistry. In a sense, I'm afraid that I like the concept of chemistry more than I like chemistry, and that I'm just afraid of not knowing what to do academically if I don't pursue that as a major. I feel like I sincerely do love it though, especially lab; I just don't do all that well in it and I still haven't had any actual experience with what I'd be doing as a career. Hopefully this will help me get a better idea, and this summer should help as well.

Tabling in Frist for Night Market from 8-10! Come get your tickets! They're 2 for $1! (The actual event is free, but get your tickets for food!)

Brief list of what I have for the rest of the week too...

Wednesday: Classes, then Phantom on Broadway!

Thursday: Mainly just classes and work (it's booked enough with academic stuff as is haha), but I get my prefrosh! Plus I need to see how my ceramics thing is coming along - I might be able to start glazing!

Friday: Classes, grabbing lunch with a friend, leading a Frick tour, tabling for TASA at Activities Fair, then a 6-hour shift at Night Market (all of you should come if it's geographically possible!)

If I lose myself, who will find me?

I'm putting life on hold for a little while. The world can wait.

Maybe in a sense, cutting myself off from the world will help me. Maybe it'll help me actually believe in what I know, if I surround myself in my own world and forget about all of these outside pressures. After all, in the end, I define myself, not others. Not what the world believes. Not my grades, not a letter or a score. Not what people tell me, because in the end, I have to say it to myself. Maybe if I listen to myself, really listen, I can figure out what I want and believe in... Maybe then I can heal. 

 I can't help but want to have someone here though. It really is a beautiful night.

It's absolutely gorgeous outside, and its supposed to hit 80 tomorrow! ♥

Hard at Work

I don't even know. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Edit: Rather poorly apparently. Sometimes my lack of ability really just makes me question things. Why is it that it seems as though I don't love something when I'm not good at it? In fact, do I really know if I even love it? I say that I do, I believe that I do, but as I've harshly experienced in the past, I oftentimes can't trust my own thoughts. How do I know what's real, and what I've deluded myself into accepting?

It's shorts weather!

At least for now. Tomorrow's supposed to cool down again, but then it's getting warm after that! I can't wait until spring haha. Spent a few minutes putting away a few coats and taking my tank tops and flimsy spring clothes back out. =P

Today has been... rather uneventful. This morning was pretty nice. =]

Lots of econ and orgo - I simultaneously feel like I've been doing a ton of work and not doing any work. It's horrible. And needless to say, I'm still completely unprepared for orgo. Slightly more prepared for econ, but it's definitely more confusing than the first test material. All of these different ways to calculate distributions... Honestly it wouldn't be that bad if I actually sat down and cranked out problems and studied, but orgo is a more pressing matter... I never know how to properly divide my time between my classes...

Lisa called today - it was pretty awesome just talking and catching up. I miss that girl like no other.

Tests (blech) and room draw tomorrow! Then back to "normal," slightly less busy Princeton life. No more tests for three weeks. =] I'm prepared to not do any work after 9:30 tomorrow. I'm going to chill. Eat food, watch a movie, sleep. Whatever I want for the remainder of the day haha.

Sunshine and Joy

I actually felt like I used to in high school. Completely happy, (almost) no worries, just enjoying life. It was a beautiful day, and despite all of the work I have yet to do, I felt relatively stress-free. Of course, that might just be because I was busy with non-work-related things, so I felt productive but not worried about upcoming tests... In any case though, it was amazing.

Woke up early-ish around 9:30am, laid in bed and just thought about life and read the Bible a little until 10:30. Headed over to bake cupcakes with Evelyn and Cat for TASweets! It was super fun. Lots of mixing, some flour flying places. Eating pieces of cupcake that we dug out to fill them with red bean paste. Piping icing was pretty fun too, and they turned out pretty well! =]

Studied a bit for econ (which is sososo much better than studying for orgo...) and just relaxed in the afternoon. Matt got 2 hours of sleep; poor guy was busy writing his writing sem revision. Needless to say, he seemed rather tired when he came over to visit haha. But we both had a pretty nice break from work - well-deserved for him, not so much for me. =P Twas fun though. Jenny asked me how many cupcakes I ate (which, at the time, was none). Reminded me so much about how my friends used to ask me what I had for breakfast, or how much candy I'd eaten, or what I was on, just because I was always so hyper all of the time. I feel like part of that has been lost at college, and while it's not necessarily a bad thing given how crazy I was before, I feel like it's a shame that my personality seems to have changed because of work and stress. In a sense, I don't really believe it has, it's just been subdued due to constant worry and exhaustion. But it's good to know that the absolutely bubbly crazy me is still in there somewhere.

Went to the actual TASweets "competition" around 4:15pm - ran a little late but it was completely worth it, especially since pretty much nothing had happened before I got there. Some absolutely amazing confections - apple crisp, chocolate cake, a matcha/white chocolate cheesecake in addition to our red bean/matcha cupcakes. And all of them were absolutely delicious! So much fun hanging out with the TASA families. =]

I suppose now I actually need to do work, but I'll be in a good mood. Back to being stressed maybe, but happy. No promises about tomorrow though, when I have no excuse and actually realize how unprepared I am. =P Life is great, and I can't even begin to express how blessed I am.

Infinity

I really couldn't handle doing orgo. I felt completely overwhelmed (and still do) and have no idea where to start studying. It wasn't working, so I figured I'd take a walk and mail some things, put up Night Market posters... I got all of the errands done, and I was considering walking up to the fountain to relax and just calm myself down a bit, but since it was relatively quiet, I just laid outside on the little concrete border on the Frist south lawn.

Honestly, just looking at the stars and how velvety black the sky was... I don't even know. It just made me realize how minuscule I am, how insignificant. This vast expanse, stretching out until who knows when... And I'm just one person of billions, on a planet that's merely a speck of dust (if that) on the fabric of the universe. I've definitely experienced feeling small before, but I think today I truly realized it. How meaningless my life could be. And yet, it's not. I have all of these amazing friends and such great opportunities ahead of me. I have the chance to grow, and to learn, and to make myself a better person. And though I'm just one person in billions, why should that stop me from trying to improve myself, to help make a difference? Why should that make me feel worthless? I don't really know what's been happening lately, since this seems to be happening rather often, but I sincerely just wanted to cry. As much as I don't deserve it, I have a blessed existence. Just being allowed to exist, really, is a miracle. And each one of my friends, my interactions with others; well, those are pretty miraculous too. Life's beautiful.

I find looking through my friends' old pictures strangely calming...

To see them smiling and just utterly happy before I ever knew them.

It reminds me that they had an amazing life before I was ever in it, so if I were to one day no longer be part of it, they can still find that happiness.

I WATERMELON YOU.

When will this barrier between knowledge and belief be traversed?

As absolutely blessed as I feel to be surrounded by accomplished, intellectual, kind, and beautiful souls here, sometimes I can't help but feel rather intimidated by all the accomplished, intellectual, kind, and beautiful souls here.

Timeless

They’re just friends. At least that’s what she used to tell herself. She met him when they were both four, on the playground sandbox that was finally starting to dry off from the weekend rain. Their moms both led them there after hours of nonstop begging (it’s not raining, it’s sprinkling, oh can’t we go, pleasepleaseplease) and the playground was happily empty but for the two of them. 

He’d been trying to make a sand castle, a big one with spires, a moat, a dragon for the knight inside to fight. She was making a cake for her mom’s birthday (all by herself, of course!). She decorated it with flowers, with shiny little rocks, with little pictures of fairies, with everything that just screamed girl. 

But then a bucket of sand that was supposed to be a big wave of water had ruined her masterpiece, and some had gotten in her eye. She stumbled around, and crushed the castle’s dragon before the knight could get to slaying it. She picked a fight with him, but neither of them won; in the end, they were just annoyed, dirty, exhausted, crusted with the remains of castle and cake. Their moms had stopped chatting and had ran over to their children, simultaneously brushing them off and giving them a verbal lashing. What did I say about fighting? If you can’t play nicely with the other children, we’re going home right away! 

They said sorry to each other with the impudence of little-kid apologies, then “played nicely” for the rest of the hour-afternoon-day. And by the time their moms began to drag them home, they were best friends-only friends. 

And ten years passed. It’s the very first day of high school, and she’s so nervous she nearly puts her shirt on inside out and trips on the way down the stairs. She’s scared that today is the day he will finally abandon her and find some of his should-have-been would-have-been friends in the new crowd of teenagers with whom he might actually be happy (she can’t really believe that he’s truly happy with her). But it was her whom he had met in the sandbox, so he was her friend, only hers. And she is ashamed for having thought such a selfish thought, but it’s only for a moment. Staystaystay, please, stay. She sososo wants to keep him all to herself, to keep him from discovering all of these people better than her, to keep him from leaving, because he’s her best friend-only friend. 

He says he’ll never leave her, but she’s seen the crude letters etched into the bathroom stalls K-A-Y-L-A-L-O-V-E-S-T-H-O-M-A-S and heard the song repeated since elementary school Kayla and Thomas sitting in a tree… She wouldn’t blame him if he just disappeared one day. In a way, she wouldn’t even be surprised. But he promises that he won’t leave. Promises to be her best friend-only friend forever.

But then he breaks his promise. He’s there on the first day of school, and the rest of the week, and she calms down a bit. But week after week, month after month, she sees him a bit less, and when she does, he’s always with another friend. Every time she tries to talk to him, he’s busy, oh-so-busy, and can’t talk right now, sorry I have homework, I’ll see you later, tell me about this over the weekend? And she lets him go, because she knows he’ll be back. He will, right? But then he doesn’t pick up his phone, doesn’t answer her messages, won’t check his e-mail, won’t talk to her. And all she can think is, best friend-only friend… stay? 

These days, she doesn’t see anyone. She stays inside, drowning her sorrows with pints of Ben&Jerry’s, and blasts music so loud she can’t hear her thoughts. She lets the tears flow down and cuddles with the stuffed golden retriever that she got from him for her eleventh birthday – I thought you’d like this, I saw it in the store and it reminded me of you – and tried to remember what he used to say to help her feel better… It’s okay, I’m here, I’ll be here… forever? She keeps her room dark and nurtures her broken heart. Because this was a special type of heartbreak, right? A special type of love? 

And she hates herself for wallowing in her self-made pond of pity, but maybe she deserves it for wanting to keep him all to herself. But she just wants to smile and laugh and pretend everything’s okay, wants to go to school and learn and have fun like the rest of them. Because plenty of people lose friends, and so this must mean that there’s something wrong with her, but there isn’t, there truly isn’t, she just wants him back. She wants to talk to him so badly but then she picks up her phone and dials and I’m sorry, your call cannot be completed as dialed, please check the number and try – 

And all she wants to do is to try, but she can’t pull on the rope to bring him back, because he’s not on the other end anymore. He’s not trying to come back and she wants to trytrytry to change this, to go back to best friend-only friend but she can’t do anything by herself. And she wants to call again so badly, walk to his house and ring the doorbell… 

But she can’t and she won’t and she doesn’t because he’s left her all alone and she doesn’t want to bother him, annoy him and keep him away forever (but she still can’t help but wonder, what if he picks up this time? what if he’s just been busy? what if?) 

And she goes through the rest of high school with the top still spinning, in a dream, wishing he were there to celebrate her 4.2 GPA, sixteenth birthday, first pet (just a cute little hamster, it reminded her of him). But slowly he fades. She remembers the times that were but doesn’t waste her precious little time on what ifs because she’s only got this one life and he doesn’t deserve any more than he’s already taken. And so she stops crying over, stops hiding, stops pining for his friendship because she knows that her once best friend-only friend didn’t stay. 

Then, suddenly, it’s her senior year of high school, and things are finally starting to get better for her. She’s got her new friends who promise to stay, and she’s taken all her tests and been accepted by her colleges, and found her place in the world, and things are finally good. She’s done with trivial things like lost childhood friends (best friend-only friend), dragons and fairy cakes and sandboxes (and long-ago children laughing, playing, being). She finally knows what she wants and she marches straight ahead. No past for her, no lost friends, no sad memories, just the future. 

It has been forever since she’s seen him or thought about him (I wonder how he’s doing, what college is he going to) but then there’s a wave and a smile and she stands frozen in time looking at the boy who was her best friend-only friend. And it all happens so fast (did it really happen?) she doesn’t know what to do and she must look so stupid like a deer in the headlights so she raises her hand and jerkily waves back. But then he comes over, and it really is him, really is best friend-only friend only now he’s taller and older and more mature, ready to take on the world. 

Everything doesn’t go back to normal (they never can, what did you expect?), but she’s happy to have him there and know that best friend-only friend came back even if she was done with those little childish antics (because she was, right?). And she looks up into his eyes and is surprised by how tall he is and how solid he seems. You were always a scrawny little kid, shorter than me. And he reaches over and tugs on her hair which sweeps the small of her back – You grew it out, you never liked short hair – and they catch up on lost times and laugh about old memories. 

– and so the rest of the days go, happily and smoothly, more relaxing than she can ever remember them being. 

And he makes he laugh and smiles and it seems like he was never away because he still knows her like the back of his hand. And he talks and talks and it feels as though she were still in a dream, but he’s really there and he’s back. And maybe her heart beats a little too fast, but it’s been so long that she’s had a real friend, a best friend-only friend that she thinks it’s okay. After all, she deserves this little piece of heaven right? And maybe it’ll last this time; maybe he’ll stay, pleasepleaseplease stay… 

And on the day they graduate, she turns and looks and sees him through the sea of caps and sees him looking back. And maybe there was a truth to staying, a truth to the best friend-only friend. And together, they toss their caps in the air and cheer not just with their classmates but especially with each other. It’s graduation, and it’s a new life, a new start, a new friendship with an old friend, and maybe, just maybe, this time he won’t leave, won’t leave her. 

And it’s getting late, so she comes back to reality and picks up the phone (she isn’t afraid to call anymore, he’ll answer) and dials his number. He arrives just in time for the first smear of fire and magic to burn a trail across the sky and they sit together on the playground sandbox and watch, watch the night turn from magenta-crimson to a coast of navy-midnight. 

And so they sit on the playground sandbox and sip hot cocoa and watch as the stars peek out from behind their midnight veils, and she laughs as a dribble of chocolate leaks out of the corner of her mouth.

And it isn’t quite happily-ever-after, but they’re getting there. 

Slowly, slowly, surely.

Peace in Chaos

Honestly, as busy as I may be, or as frustrated, as tired, and feeling absolutely overwhelmed... Little things really just make everything better. Taking a short walk or bike ride, treating myself to some froyo, talking to a friend back home, a shower in the middle of the day... It just makes me feel better.

***

Mol went... interestingly. We'll see how it turns out haha.

COS was spent trying to figure out GuitarHeroVisualizer, which I think I got... Though apparently the sound is distorted on the grader's computers, so I'll just need to show it to my preceptor. I hope it works though. Also apparently I made it way too complicated. Eh.

Orgo. I just don't even know what's happening in that class anymore. Which is concerning. This weekend shall be fun.

Orgo lab was insanely fast today - I got out within an hour. Ridiculous. Amazing, but I was basically in shock.

I then proceeded to waste the extra 2 hours I got by sleeping. Okay, maybe waste isn't the proper word...

Went to the hosting orientation thing, which was rather amusing. Lots of emphasis on no drinking. I'm legitimately going to tell my prefrosh:
"Don't drink. If you drink, you will be rescinded. And die."
I hope she gets the reference...

Worked in the studio for a bit longer. Project's coming along well! Super excited! It's ready for the bisque firing whenever they have it, and then glazing. =]

Precept. Lots of review. Pretty helpful, but also super fast. Ah well, I took decent notes...

Econ econ econ. Because I didn't want to do orgo. Some Night Market stuff. Passed out giveaway pinneys! They look super awesome - I'm happy.

***

Anyways, back to random studying. Or pretending to study. xD

What does Facebook Girl do when Facebook is down? I suppose this is a sign that I should study...

Sometimes I think up stories in my mind that would never happen. I guess that's why they're just stories, and why they stay in my head.

Working with Clay

Pillow creations, friendship bracelets, paper creations, clay creations. I really do love making random crafts haha. It's just... calming in a sense. Methodical, and if you're careful, it always works out. I guess the same thing could be argued for virtually anything, but it's something that I know how to do, and that I love.

In any case, I've been working on something at the ceramics studio lately. Done with the base, letting it dry out slowly do it doesn't crack, then bisque fire, glaze, and glaze fire. I really want to finish it by the end of this month. (Those of you who know what it is, shhhh!) I sort of want to make something else too, maybe a second one since I really do like what I did with this, but we'll see. This is the one that's important in any case - I really do hope that it turns out well! I just thought of the idea of taking pictures of the process yesterday, meaning my "process" starts with a completely formed project, but hey, it'll be something for the future! And pictures will be up when I'm done, provided this works out. =]