Blessed

I honestly have been blessed with the most amazing friends, a loving family, all of these opportunities that are open to me, all of the abilities I possess, and just really every aspect of my life. People look up to me for what they believe I am. People envy me for all of these gifts that have been bestowed upon me. I completely don't deserve any of it, and it's sincerely amazing that I have so much.

Which is why I'm always so disappointed in myself for never making the most of it. I feel like I have so much wasted potential, and that it should be within my power to change that, but it's not. And at the same time, I feel like I'm not trying hard enough, and that's why I feel this way. It's my fault. I should be trying harder to get better grades, be a better friend, a better sister/daughter, engage in the community more, help others more... All of the disappointment that I face is at my own hands, and if I created it, I should be able to overcome it. But so often, too often, I feel like I can't, and I just spiral in this chaotic mass of self-pity. There really is no reason for this. There's no justification, no logical explanation for why this should happen. And so every time it does, I hate myself a little more for letting it.

Take-Home Midterms

What sort of midterm has multiple choice questions, four short answers, and two essays questions of 5 pages each?! Someone please just shoot me now.

Repairing Friendships

I've had a couple pretty badly broken ones, and just looking back at my life, I really do want to remedy those as much as I can. I wasn't able to before, but maybe we were all too close to what happened to think about things logically. My stubbornness and pride definitely obscured my judgment at the time. I do hope that at the least, they'll be able to forgive me for my stupidity.

I also want to get back in touch with all of the people I've fallen out of contact with. I've had so many great friends just drift away and I'd really love to catch up with them. 

A Number

"People like Erica care too much about grades." 

It made me freeze. It actually hurt. It hurt because it's true. I couldn't respond because there was no way to do so. I spend so much of my time thinking the same thing. Why is it that a letter on my transcript means so much to me? I can obviously argue from the whole higher education, career opportunities, job offers perspective, but why? Where's the line between caring and caring too much? Why do I, personally, feel so defined by my grades and my GPA? Why is it that when I can't reach my academic goals, I feel worthless? And why is it that no matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to fix it?

Can I blame it on having been characterized as "smart" my whole life? It's sort of been something that's tagged along with me, defined me, set me apart. I never fully agreed - to me, hard work is true "smartness," and I could definitely improve in that area - but it's been an adjective used to describe me in so many different arenas. And it's been something upon which the prediction of my success has been founded. It's because I'm "smart" that I'll be able to achieve great things, help people, change the world, be successful. It's been a message constantly scrawled in my yearbook by my friends - "You're such a genius," "You're too smart for your own good," "Remember me when you're famous!" - and even my teachers - "You're one of the most intelligent students I've had. It has been a pleasure," "Remember to donate a library in my name when you're rich!" I'm smart, and it's because of my grades that people see me as such.

But it's so largely a personal thing. I've allowed my grades to be such an integral part of who I am. No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to reach the point at which I can say that my self-worth isn't defined, at least partly, by my GPA. Not when the first adjective almost everyone uses to describe me is "smart." Not when scores on my piano assessments told me I was "superior" and earned me to right to emcee our annual winter concert. Not when the 4.0s and straight As were what made me first feel like I was worth something. Not when people started retorting with, "But you're Erica!" and "You did poorly? Like what, a 96?" Not when I asked my aunt about my grandpa and she countered with, "But look at you now, with your excellent grades, he's so proud." Not when it feels like such a big part of society's acceptance of me is because I'm "smart," because "I'll go places," because I can "do anything you set your mind to."

They're just numbers. They'd be so meaningless if I didn't let them get to me. If I didn't mind it so much when the adviser of one of my clubs called me "2400" the entire three days of our first competition, because he couldn't be bothered to remember my name, but could obviously remember my SAT score. When people knew my name not because of my participation in clubs, because of my sociability, because of my personality, but because I had the highest GPA. When it seemed like the greatest influence I had on my friends in lower grades was to compel them to take more AP classes. When I was known among the parents at my Chinese school for my grades and my test scores. When my dad proudly came back from work and told me that his coworkers were having a debate over whether I should attend Princeton or Caltech.

4.71
800
2400
36

They're just numbers. They shouldn't matter so much.

Sometimes a message is all it takes.

The Little Things

Laying on the ground just watching the stars
Seeing the sun rise/set
Having snowflakes fall on my face
Having snow crunch under my feet
Speeding down a hill on a bike with no worries
Roses (or flowers in general)
Long showers
Laying in the sun
Watching people walk by and wondering what they're off to do
Making up stories for the people in airplanes that fly by
Kittens and baby animals
Good morning texts
Walking through shallow water
Board and card games
Cuddling
Hot chocolate and tea and smoothies
Soft caramels
(Insert lots of other food)
And talking to you. Yes, you. =]

Disregarding Personal Opinion

It's a pretty hard thing for me (or I'd assume anyone) to do... I never really thought much about it. I mean, people always said to "pick the easier side to support, even if you don't agree," but I was never really able to do that. Just the fact that I'd have to write a paper supporting ideas with which I disagreed turned me off, and actually doing it was so hard that I'd pick the side I actually believed in, because it'd make the paper easier to write. I mean, when I was more or less neutral on a topic I'd go with the side with more evidence, no doubt.

In any case, I had to write a 3-5 page simulation paper for politics. Needed to support a temperance law and a questionably worded (and inherently questionable) loyalty oath for suffrage and office. Needless to say, I don't support either of those. In any case, I have a rather shoddy 3-page paper - I really just couldn't think of anything more to write, and no matter how hard I tried, my arguments just sound weak and flimsy. I need to do some major revision tomorrow - I'm sure there's something more out there... I mean, a whole movement was based off temperance and loyalty oaths have been huge in constitutional history... Blah.

***

In other news, today was a gorgeous day. Yesterday was too, but in a different way. Went from being all white and pristine and snowy to warm and sunny. It finally felt like spring!

Finished an insanely easy econ pset with Will, had lunch with Civic Engagement chairs from different res colleges, met with Jack to talk a bit about a potential PACE Center job, headed to Forbes and worked outside for a bit (or attempted to at least), dined with TASA people, and slugged through the politics paper. In all, a pretty decent day. So much work left though! I suppose at this point I'm glad I'm done with most of my midterms, even if I'm not completely happy with my grades. Ah well. Daylight savings in T-47 minutes, so I better get some sleep!

If you dare nothing, then at the end of the day, nothing is all you will have gained.

Snowy Day

Stupid Mistakes

On all the tests! But really, I definitely overthought a question and just screwed one up outright on econ. Stupid mistakes always happen in orgo, though I suppose the only reason they're stupid is because I know the answer/in retrospect. Still don't know what's up with mol, but given my grade and how confident I felt with the material, I can bet I made stupid mistakes on that too.

I need to stop doing this. Sincerely, I mean yeah, it's a good thing that I know the material as opposed to just having no idea what I'm doing (which also happens), but there's no use if I can't apply it when need be... Ah well.

***

I apparently get emotional when I'm tired. I also don't remember making the previous blog post. Uhm. Yeah.

***

Also, these things are horrible.

I definitely spent a good 15 minutes trying to draw something that looked anything like my actual signature...

It's funny how I seek refuge from the reality of us in memories of us.

Reminders

I'm really even loving this whole multiple-steps-to-actually-get-the-internship-officially process. I was feeling sort of crappy this morning - woke up an hour late for my 8:30 mol class, felt exhausted, was utterly confused through most of COS, almost fell asleep in orgo, and got my really crappy test back. Was looking at the points I missed and feeling completely stupid, then I checked my e-mail and there was an update from Amgen. =] Once my background check is at least 50% complete (apparently I need to fill in some information for a drug test and such), I get internship details! I'm super super excited. =] And besides, I can always pull my grade up. It can be done and I'm going to do it. Who cares about this one below average test when I get to work in the medicinal chemistry department of one of the world's largest pharmaceutical companies?!

Counting Sheep (for COS)

I finally understand this xkcd comic haha.

The Right Mindset

It's been an insane weekend and few days. So many tests and the need to study, and the Amgen interview... It's been good though. I mean, I've been stressed and all, which is understandable, but I've also been a lot happier. Last semester, if I had two tests and an interview, and the tests went the way they did, I probably would have just cried. Now? I went to go eat guac and sing/dance to Beyoncé.

I'm just going to try to keep in mind that I can't change anything which has happened. I wrote my Princeton essay on optimism, and I think I've been doing a really bad job of living up to what I say I believe in. I've complained too much about too little, and forgotten that everything turns out okay. I've forgotten I have the power to make tomorrow a better day. "Am I to approach life worrying about what misfortune will next befall me, wasting what little happiness I could have in anticipation of misery?"

I mean, I can't really compare yesterday, since finding out I probably have an internship (paid! At a top pharma company! Near my family, in the same city my sister works, for twelve whole weeks... I could go on and on!!!) definitely outweighs most anything that could have feasibly happened barring unseen circumstances, I did find out that I did incredibly badly on my orgo test... And as a lot of you know, orgo and I are in a love-hate relationship. It really is interesting and I really do like arrow-pushing, I just really wish it made more sense to me and I were better at it. And it's just such a big part of what I probably want to do in life. A grade this bad last semester definitely would have just reduced me to tears. And I mean, it definitely bugged me, since I thought I knew more than that, but I'm not letting it get to me.

It's making me happier. I think I want to keep this mindset around.

Dreams

It's not set in stone, but I'll probably be working at Amgen in the summer! In San Francisco so I get to be by my family too! With company housing, and pretty much one-on-one mentoring/projects, and it's PAID and oh my gosh I'm so ridiculously excited!