"Sorry doesn't mend a wrinkled heart."

Blessings

Life may be hard in many ways, but I'm blessed in so many others.

Don't be like this; it's only going to hurt more.

As the day goes on, it gets easier, and as the days go on, it gets easier.

Weren't you the one that said eventually you stop missing the other person? Is that the goal?

I still feel your pain.

I want to be there for you. But I can't, and you don't want me to be. Only God can.

It's so unfair that you take so much of my time just by virtue of existing.

Hey God,

It's me again
I know time always passes
Before it seems
I reach out
And I just wanted to say
Thanks
For being there
Thanks
For giving me what I needed
Thanks
For holding me through the pain
Thanks
For supporting me
For loving me
For grace
Mercy
Strength
Peace

I pray you watch over me
It's only in You I can do this
Because I don't have the
Energy
The resolve
The wisdom
To do it on my own
Please be here
Please be present
I know you are
Thanks for everything
I'm sorry for the ways I've strayed
And thanks
For always waiting for me
To come back

You know I'm in trouble when I no longer enjoy food.

A New Start

It's hard, honestly it is. But if that's what this is, that's what this is. That's what it will be.

God has plans in store for me greater than I could ever imagine. Greater than anything I could ever want or desire.

All you can control is yourself.

The gym is blissfully empty in the middle of the day.

I'm grasping, but I can't stop. God, please help me.

I'm counting the days to get rid of the pain.

Every minute is a victory.

One A Day

Even though it was hard, we said we'd try

Why is it I feel so alone and betrayed?

Didn't I expect this?

And it's not worth trying anymore,

When there's no one on the other end,

When the line is dead,

And it's so hard to find the motivation

To get up sometimes,

Because at least dreams hold hope

Beyond this cocktail of emotions 

I throw back every hour

And with each passing moment

The emptiness feels bigger

And where is God in all of this?

I'm sorry I'm weak,

I'm sorry I hope

I'm sorry I just want things to be back

To "normal," to being broken together

Hard as it was, hard as it will be,

It's better than drowning

In the silence that's deafening.

Why are you torturing yourself like this?

Despite all you think and tell yourself...

Trust those who walk with a limp.

God's power is made perfect in weakness.

#

How many hands have your hands held?
How many times have you sat at a table and said, "I like you"
"I love you"
To how many people?
How many hearts has your heart touched?
How many lips have you tasted?
How many eyes have your eyes met?
How many nights have been shared?
How many memories spent close to another?
How many girls have you held as they fell asleep?
How many times have you brushed hair out of their faces?
How many circles have you traced on their skin?
How many times did you walk up to give them a hug?
Hold them close?
How many names did you whisper with hope?
How many stories did you give life?
How many days were spent in the company of another, in anticipation of the future?
How many red threads did you weave?

What number am I?

---

Edit: 15, 8, 9

Gone

When she was little she realized
Her demons weren't the dragons of lore
Shape-shifting monsters
They were heavy blankets
Promising comfort but just stifling.
When she was little she realized
The easiest way to deal with them
Was to do what you did with any old object
That can't be thrown out ---
Put them into a box
Seal it up tight
Throw it in a corner to be forgotten.
When she was little she realized
She didn't need a Prince Charming to save her
She didn't want one
Because all they did in their naive desire to help
Was to open the boxes,
Take out the blankets,
And throw them over her to keep her warm.
When she was little she realized
It was up to her to keep everything under control
To hide deep in the maze
To go deeper still
To find the most looked over crevice
Where she could store these blankets,
Unraveled from use.
But though she realized it all,
It wasn't enough.
And every day she found herself drowning in the depths of those threads,
Soaked in guilt,
Woven from sadness,
Thick with regret.

God's delay is not God's denial.

If you're being efficient, you're doing things right. If you're being effective, you're doing the right things.

The mission is to love.

Sometimes not reaching your dream fulfills your destiny.

What You Can Control

It's not your reactions. It's the meaning.

Motivational Speeches

I have a strong love/hate relationship with motivational speeches. I love the learning, the clarity, the understanding. But I hate not feeling enough. I hate recognizing these flaws, these holes in my being. I hate knowing myself, I hate listening and knowing the truth and knowing that I know the truth and still failing so miserably.

My heart hurts. I never feel enough. But what hurts is that other people do. That's my fundamental lie, that I am not enough, but that other people are.

God grant me the clarity and peace to accept these truths about myself, to reject the lies I tell myself, to give me the determination and love for myself to grow. Not to be "better" because to be better is to tell myself I'm not worth it where I am. But to grow. Not for myself, not for others, but for God.

Shards

Is it better to be hurt or numb? How do you even deal with a situation that you know will leave you either empty or broken?

All I learned from the gym is how out of shape and weak I am.

Oops. Guess it takes time.

Understanding

It's hard and there's more than a few disagreements that happen before we can hit this point, but it's worth it. I'll keep trying.

Times happen when I wish I could just stop thinking for a while.

Self-Evaluation

I've got a bunch of random metrics I use to assess how I'm doing in life... I'll come back and update this when I have it all typed out.

x = yes, o = sometimes

Academic/Work
[o] Do you feel happy to go to work each day?
[o] Do you enjoy what you're doing?
[] Do you feel competent?
[x] Do you enjoy your work environment/the people/etc.
[] Have you been investing additional time to learning about your field?

Finances
[x] Do you track your expenses?
[x] Are you saving a portion of your paycheck every month?
[o] Do you spend more than you plan to?
[] Do you spend on frivolous things?
    [] If so, do said frivolous things bring you enough joy to be worth it?
[x] Have you been contributing to retirement plans?

Mental Health/Spirituality
[] Do you feel loved?
[] Do you feel at peace?
[x] Do you take time to meditate and be quiet each day?
[o] Have you felt lost, out of control, depressed more than half the time?
[x] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily prayer?
[x] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily devotionals?
[x] Are you loving others?
[x] Do you feel close to God?

Physical Health
[o] Are you in the habit of exercising regularly?
[] Do you eat healthily?
[x] Do you get at least 7 hours of sleep on average?
[x] Have you been responsible about personal hygiene?

Service/Volunteering
[x] Do you find joy in service?
[x] Have you been dedicating a significant amount of your time to service in some form (at work, at church, independently)?
[x] Are you being honest with yourself about how much you can serve?
    [] If not, are you serving too much?
    [] Are you under-serving?

Social
[x] Do you have a core group of friends upon whom you can rely?
[x] Do you find excitement in meeting new people?
[x] Have you been intentional in keeping in touch with old friends?
[x] Have you been intentionally vulnerable in your relationships?

It's all about which side is in control.

Because you realize the decisions you've made reflect which part of you you entrusted that decision to. And you're starting to realize one side is, honestly speaking, more reliable, more mature, and more wise than the other. And the one who got you where you are, right this moment, was not that side.

First a lack of tears, then a smile.

Step by step.

Depersonalization

She knows it's her
The memories are all there
The facts
The date, the place, her birthday
Everything she knows.
But it feels wrong
It feels like... not her
But it is.
So she tells herself all the facts
She likes stars
She like tea on a cold day
Inside with a blanket and book
She like people and smiles
She likes the sound of rain on a window pane
The smell of brewed coffee
Though she doesn't drink it
She likes long drives with no aim
And long conversations with no end
She loves God
But this feeling of not being comes with a lack of emotion
And all these things she knows she likes
She can't feel.
But when she finally comes back into one
She wishes that were true.
Because all the pain and all the hurt
Flood in and close like a vice on her chest
And she continues with a smile.

And if I stop expecting anything, this is a role I can play.