A little tired, a little confused

At what point is it enough, and at what point is it too much? Am I happy or scared?

Why does it feel like I lost a friend again?

1 or 15

Sometimes I wonder
How much of life is free will
How much is predestined
If I hadn't said what I said
Did what I did
Would things still have turned out this way?

Self-Evaluation, Oct. 2018

x = yes, o = sometimes

Academic/Work
[o] Do you feel happy to go to work each day?
[o] Do you enjoy what you're doing?
[] Do you feel competent?
[x] Do you enjoy your work environment/the people/etc.
[] Have you been investing additional time to learning about your field?

Finances
[x] Do you track your expenses?
[x] Are you saving a portion of your paycheck every month?
[o] Do you spend more than you plan to?
[x] Do you spend on frivolous things?
    [x] If so, do said frivolous things bring you enough joy to be worth it?
[x] Have you been contributing to retirement plans?

Mental Health/Spirituality
[x] Do you feel loved?
[] Do you feel at peace?
[x] Do you take time to meditate and be quiet each day?
[o] Have you felt lost, out of control, depressed more than half the time?
[] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily prayer?
[] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily devotionals?
[x] Are you loving others?
[] Do you feel close to God?

Physical Health
[o] Are you in the habit of exercising regularly?
[] Do you eat healthily?
[x] Do you get at least 7 hours of sleep on average?
[x] Have you been responsible about personal hygiene?

Service/Volunteering
[x] Do you find joy in service?
[x] Have you been dedicating a significant amount of your time to service in some form (at work, at church, independently)?
[] Are you being honest with yourself about how much you can serve?
    [x] If not, are you serving too much?
    [] Are you under-serving?

Social
[x] Do you have a core group of friends upon whom you can rely?
[x] Do you find excitement in meeting new people?
[x] Have you been intentional in keeping in touch with old friends?
[x] Have you been intentionally vulnerable in your relationships?

Pokemon Go!

Just got back into this (rip productivity) but come play/trade with me! Also let me know if you used to play but no longer want your account and wouldn't mind me rifling through it for pokemon.

It's been so long, I'd almost forgot.

Things are hard.

There's been a lot of good in the past month+. But recently, I've felt so empty. Something about the crisp transition of fall just... brings sadness, and I feel so alone. I miss how things used to be.

Hamilton!

Mind. Blown.

So thankful to be able to be in the room where it happens! It was a great weekend full of good food and friends, and now it's back to the grind!

Your math is off.

I've found it really bothers me when people take the "quick and easy" route instead of doing things properly, especially when the result seems unfair for the other people involved... At first glance, it seems like things make sense, but when you walk through everything, it's actually pretty off...

No one person deserves that much power.

My finances are so screwed up...

How much do I even make? ??

It has been *so* long since my last update!

I promise I'll put brief picture recaps here soon!

---

June 2 - I moved into a new place! Right by the Cambridge Public Library (which is a huge plus, even though I've barely been), with bay windows and a *huge* walk-in closet (that looks like a mess because it's filled with way too much stuff and empty boxes). Completely redid the closet with new flooring and Con-Tact paper on the shelves, plus replacing the splintery drawers with a Sterilite drawer set and creating a new front to cover the gaps.

June 16 - NYC trip with the small group! Filled with so much food and fun, though doing a day trip to a city a 4-hour drive away was a bit crazy...

June 27-July 2 - Florida trip! Went to Universal (really just for HP World). So much fun with the rides and shows, plus just seeing Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade in "real life." All the butterbeer and magic!

July 7-9 - Back to Princeton for a wedding! It was great seeing college friends again, and being there for my best friend on her big day. Even if some interactions were a bit strange, it was a blessed time and I'm thankful to have been there.

July 11 - Finally got my AC unit installed! We're not allowed to install it ourselves, since the house is so old, but the units were provided and installation was $50, so it was a pretty good deal, honestly.

Three more years, here I come!

Hiatus: Life is too hectic. Regular updates to resume after orals.

Literally so exhausted all the time...

On the hardest days, I tell myself that at least my parents are proud.

But then again, it's not like they wouldn't be if I weren't doing this.

It becomes easy to forget how well someone knows you whom you didn't expect to remember.

When you bless others, you'll be blessed greatly in return. It's a good day.

To-Do

For someone who loves getting things done and checking off items on a to-do list, I really picked a weird career path where I could be actively doing things for day/weeks/months and really get nothing done.

NSF GRFP Fellowship!

So psyched to be a recipient of the NSF GRFP Fellowship! Just in time for second-year orals, and to have the next (last?) three years of my program funded. (Please don't kick me out?)

A huge shout-out to all those who helped with the application process (especially Richard for proposal edits and Joey for general application tips and essay edits)! Additionally, thanks to Schultzy and everyone from Bay Awesome for helping me with my application two years ago, which I used as my foundation for the application this cycle (and made the process much much less painful). And of course, praise God for this opportunity!

Updates!

Happy belated Easter! He is risen!
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I found housing for next year! Need to finalize the details, but I'm excited for my new place (although I'll miss my current room, and moving is a pain...)
---
I've been feeling uncharacteristically tired/sick/stressed for way too long... Prayers please?
---
Orals are going to suck.

Someone Hire Me in 3 Years Please

Hey God,

Thanks for the gift.

If you can be happy, then stop stressing about whether you could be happier.

House Hunters: The Tired, Poor Grad Student Version

I'm a 22-year-old graduate student. I'd love a spacious room with lots of sunlight and a large closet, an open eat-in kitchen, a cozy living room and clean bathroom, in-building laundry and bike storage within a 10-15 minute walk to the Red Line. My budget is $1100. Hit me up.

How did we end up like this?

Looking for a little white house...

The housing struggle is real. These spreadsheet skills are coming in handy though! Praying for good roommates, a cozy room, a convenient location, and on an affordable budget!

Happy March!

It's all just very tiring, you know?

Soured

When I was little - littler, honestly - I used to - well, I still do - hold on to treats longer than I should. I used to save chocolate til it frosted over with that white flaky powder old chocolate gets. I would save cotton candy until it inevitably absorbed water from the air and turned into a hard semi-chewy ball of sugar. Fruit would get mushy, bread would go dry, the filling of egg tarts would slowly pull away from the flaky crust. Even now, I saved the chocolate-covered strawberries I loved so much until the berries pulled from the coating and dripped juice when I bit into them.

I wanted things to last. I wanted good things to last. But I wanted them to last so badly, they soured in my hands.

It was only recently I realized I do the same with memories. Late nights, car rides, time spent... Replayed so many times and loved so hard that once the opportunity came back to have them... Somehow they weren't the same. Not sour, really, but not sweet. Not right. Not what they should be. Because the passage of time had, like so many other things, slowly warped and morphed and changed these into something different. Something not right. Something not what it should be. And so the sense of loss pervades, because in being afraid of loss, I lost what little I had to keep.

And so what do you do? You let go.

How do you measure, measure a year? What about half of one? What about something that was supposed to be half of one?

Goodbye

And so she chokes back sobs and self medicates with stories and tea and longings for the past, or a future that will never be.

I like to, I try to, collect beautiful things... Surround myself in their glow. But that's the thing about love - it cannot be contained.

A Fool's Choice

And what now, now that the world seems so terrifying and forbidding? Now that all motivation has been lost? What did you expect? What did you want? Why do you keep pushing yourself down into the dirt with the inability to just do? 

Who did you think you were?

Books

There's a part of me that gravitates towards books of every form and in every context. Libraries and lending libraries, bookstores, secondhand shops that have a literature section, "Free Books" boxes on the sides of the road... Even books in languages I don't understand - they draw me in.

I used to sit by myself during recess, just reading at the edge of the playground. Books are my oldest friends. They don't discriminate. They don't change themselves based on who's reading, or refuse to open their pages to certain people. They don't deny connection. Their worlds are immersive and welcoming, all the time.

Books are love, of a sort.

The Good Days

I wonder if this is what families with relatives that have Alzheimer's feel like... The good days, when everything almost seems normal again.

What is the meaning of this all? Why now? In a way, it's amusing, like a joke you'd play. But are emotions ever okay to play with? What are emotions?

It's interesting to know that despite it all, there are people in the world who would make an effort for you.

A Word of Wisdom

It's so... refreshing? assuring? to know that that's what this is. That's it's valid, it's legitimate, it's something I can trust. I'm not making it up. 

I'm honestly so glad for good community to speak truth into my life. Thanks for the peace and the comfort God.

The outside world matters to us only because we're trying to fulfill needs internally.

Human behavior is complex, but human motivation is simple. Understanding is different from condoning.

The Lens of Time

It's always easy to say that time heals. It's sort of like the cop-out answer when nothing else can be said. But wouldn't it be so... healing to be able to see this situation from five years in the future? Five years in the past? To know what you will think and would have thought, in addition to what you're thinking? Some days are harder than others, but hopefully we're always learning.

And one day we'll be able to see the broken pieces fall together.

To choose to not connect when the opportunity is there is a betrayal.

Broken people are the best vessels for Living Water.

You see me
And You know me
And You love me
Through and through

"Sorry doesn't mend a wrinkled heart."

Blessings

Life may be hard in many ways, but I'm blessed in so many others.

Don't be like this; it's only going to hurt more.

As the day goes on, it gets easier, and as the days go on, it gets easier.

Weren't you the one that said eventually you stop missing the other person? Is that the goal?

I still feel your pain.

I want to be there for you. But I can't, and you don't want me to be. Only God can.

It's so unfair that you take so much of my time just by virtue of existing.

Hey God,

It's me again
I know time always passes
Before it seems
I reach out
And I just wanted to say
Thanks
For being there
Thanks
For giving me what I needed
Thanks
For holding me through the pain
Thanks
For supporting me
For loving me
For grace
Mercy
Strength
Peace

I pray you watch over me
It's only in You I can do this
Because I don't have the
Energy
The resolve
The wisdom
To do it on my own
Please be here
Please be present
I know you are
Thanks for everything
I'm sorry for the ways I've strayed
And thanks
For always waiting for me
To come back

You know I'm in trouble when I no longer enjoy food.

A New Start

It's hard, honestly it is. But if that's what this is, that's what this is. That's what it will be.

God has plans in store for me greater than I could ever imagine. Greater than anything I could ever want or desire.

All you can control is yourself.

The gym is blissfully empty in the middle of the day.

I'm grasping, but I can't stop. God, please help me.

I'm counting the days to get rid of the pain.

Every minute is a victory.

One A Day

Even though it was hard, we said we'd try

Why is it I feel so alone and betrayed?

Didn't I expect this?

And it's not worth trying anymore,

When there's no one on the other end,

When the line is dead,

And it's so hard to find the motivation

To get up sometimes,

Because at least dreams hold hope

Beyond this cocktail of emotions 

I throw back every hour

And with each passing moment

The emptiness feels bigger

And where is God in all of this?

I'm sorry I'm weak,

I'm sorry I hope

I'm sorry I just want things to be back

To "normal," to being broken together

Hard as it was, hard as it will be,

It's better than drowning

In the silence that's deafening.

Why are you torturing yourself like this?

Despite all you think and tell yourself...

Trust those who walk with a limp.

God's power is made perfect in weakness.

#

How many hands have your hands held?
How many times have you sat at a table and said, "I like you"
"I love you"
To how many people?
How many hearts has your heart touched?
How many lips have you tasted?
How many eyes have your eyes met?
How many nights have been shared?
How many memories spent close to another?
How many girls have you held as they fell asleep?
How many times have you brushed hair out of their faces?
How many circles have you traced on their skin?
How many times did you walk up to give them a hug?
Hold them close?
How many names did you whisper with hope?
How many stories did you give life?
How many days were spent in the company of another, in anticipation of the future?
How many red threads did you weave?

What number am I?

---

Edit: 15, 8, 9

Gone

When she was little she realized
Her demons weren't the dragons of lore
Shape-shifting monsters
They were heavy blankets
Promising comfort but just stifling.
When she was little she realized
The easiest way to deal with them
Was to do what you did with any old object
That can't be thrown out ---
Put them into a box
Seal it up tight
Throw it in a corner to be forgotten.
When she was little she realized
She didn't need a Prince Charming to save her
She didn't want one
Because all they did in their naive desire to help
Was to open the boxes,
Take out the blankets,
And throw them over her to keep her warm.
When she was little she realized
It was up to her to keep everything under control
To hide deep in the maze
To go deeper still
To find the most looked over crevice
Where she could store these blankets,
Unraveled from use.
But though she realized it all,
It wasn't enough.
And every day she found herself drowning in the depths of those threads,
Soaked in guilt,
Woven from sadness,
Thick with regret.

God's delay is not God's denial.

If you're being efficient, you're doing things right. If you're being effective, you're doing the right things.

The mission is to love.

Sometimes not reaching your dream fulfills your destiny.

What You Can Control

It's not your reactions. It's the meaning.

Motivational Speeches

I have a strong love/hate relationship with motivational speeches. I love the learning, the clarity, the understanding. But I hate not feeling enough. I hate recognizing these flaws, these holes in my being. I hate knowing myself, I hate listening and knowing the truth and knowing that I know the truth and still failing so miserably.

My heart hurts. I never feel enough. But what hurts is that other people do. That's my fundamental lie, that I am not enough, but that other people are.

God grant me the clarity and peace to accept these truths about myself, to reject the lies I tell myself, to give me the determination and love for myself to grow. Not to be "better" because to be better is to tell myself I'm not worth it where I am. But to grow. Not for myself, not for others, but for God.

Shards

Is it better to be hurt or numb? How do you even deal with a situation that you know will leave you either empty or broken?

All I learned from the gym is how out of shape and weak I am.

Oops. Guess it takes time.

Understanding

It's hard and there's more than a few disagreements that happen before we can hit this point, but it's worth it. I'll keep trying.

Times happen when I wish I could just stop thinking for a while.

Self-Evaluation

I've got a bunch of random metrics I use to assess how I'm doing in life... I'll come back and update this when I have it all typed out.

x = yes, o = sometimes

Academic/Work
[o] Do you feel happy to go to work each day?
[o] Do you enjoy what you're doing?
[] Do you feel competent?
[x] Do you enjoy your work environment/the people/etc.
[] Have you been investing additional time to learning about your field?

Finances
[x] Do you track your expenses?
[x] Are you saving a portion of your paycheck every month?
[o] Do you spend more than you plan to?
[] Do you spend on frivolous things?
    [] If so, do said frivolous things bring you enough joy to be worth it?
[x] Have you been contributing to retirement plans?

Mental Health/Spirituality
[] Do you feel loved?
[] Do you feel at peace?
[x] Do you take time to meditate and be quiet each day?
[o] Have you felt lost, out of control, depressed more than half the time?
[x] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily prayer?
[x] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily devotionals?
[x] Are you loving others?
[x] Do you feel close to God?

Physical Health
[o] Are you in the habit of exercising regularly?
[] Do you eat healthily?
[x] Do you get at least 7 hours of sleep on average?
[x] Have you been responsible about personal hygiene?

Service/Volunteering
[x] Do you find joy in service?
[x] Have you been dedicating a significant amount of your time to service in some form (at work, at church, independently)?
[x] Are you being honest with yourself about how much you can serve?
    [] If not, are you serving too much?
    [] Are you under-serving?

Social
[x] Do you have a core group of friends upon whom you can rely?
[x] Do you find excitement in meeting new people?
[x] Have you been intentional in keeping in touch with old friends?
[x] Have you been intentionally vulnerable in your relationships?

It's all about which side is in control.

Because you realize the decisions you've made reflect which part of you you entrusted that decision to. And you're starting to realize one side is, honestly speaking, more reliable, more mature, and more wise than the other. And the one who got you where you are, right this moment, was not that side.

First a lack of tears, then a smile.

Step by step.

Depersonalization

She knows it's her
The memories are all there
The facts
The date, the place, her birthday
Everything she knows.
But it feels wrong
It feels like... not her
But it is.
So she tells herself all the facts
She likes stars
She like tea on a cold day
Inside with a blanket and book
She like people and smiles
She likes the sound of rain on a window pane
The smell of brewed coffee
Though she doesn't drink it
She likes long drives with no aim
And long conversations with no end
She loves God
But this feeling of not being comes with a lack of emotion
And all these things she knows she likes
She can't feel.
But when she finally comes back into one
She wishes that were true.
Because all the pain and all the hurt
Flood in and close like a vice on her chest
And she continues with a smile.

And if I stop expecting anything, this is a role I can play.