Dear Diary...

7:43am - It's cold outside. Why am I up so early? 

9:30am - I don't want to get out of bed. 

9:37am - I should probably get out of bed. 

9:41am - It looks so dreary outside. I should wear bright colors. 

10:15am - I wish I were better at coding. Or actually understanding code. I feel like I do everything by trial and error a lot, and that definitely shouldn't be the case... That's definitely wrong. I should fix that. 

10:40am - I could potentially change this just to play a different song for this one case... 

12:03pm - Mmmm food. 

12:39pm - I should really do work. I can't believe how absolutely lost I am in all of my classes. There's just so much I don't understand. I guess it keeps life interesting since I'll always have something to work for, but I do wish that I just understood a little bit more. Just enough to actually know how to approach a problem. 

1:07pm - Oh screw it, I'm going for a bike ride. 

1:13pm - It's frigid outside, but it's nice to just coast down a hill and feel amazingly free. I wonder what everyone else is up to? Each person lives a different life. I wonder how everything ties together... 

2:04pm - Okay. Plan of action. I'm going to do this one assignment, maybe a quick nap, then work like crazy. It's going to happen. I'm going to force myself to get work done. 

2:44pm - Yeah, naptime. 

3:37pm - Bring it. 

3:40pm - I lied. Don't bring it. 

4:13pm - I have no idea what the crap is happening. 

5:57pm - I need dinner. 

6:28pm - Seriously, why don't I understand any of this? 

9:24pm - Why am I doing this to myself? What's the point? It's not like I'll ever amount to anything more than mediocre. There are so many more people out there who can do everything I can, but more and better. Everyone who said I would go far in life? They lied.

10:12pm - Nothing really matters anymore. I just want to curl up and sleep but it's just not an option. If I want to pretend like I'm worth something, anything, I at least need to try. I need to try to justify my existence somehow. Why is it that even my so-called achievements remind me of my failures? And who am I to complain about failing - at least I had the opportunity to attempt it before I fell. 

10:30pm - I'm sincerely torn between telling someone every secret I have or just pretending those horrors don't exist. I want someone to know, but there's no way they would ever speak to me again if they truly knew who I was. And I'm much too afraid of losing people to risk it. 

11:11pm - Please, please just tell me why. 

11:56pm - I should just sleep. I really should. Tomorrow will be better. And everything will be fine in the end. Everything will be okay. It will, it really really will. It will. If only I could trust myself enough to believe what I say... 

2:04am - I miss home. 


And she lays in bed with silent tears coursing down her cheeks, wishing, wishing that an answer would come to end the endless questions swirling through her head. And she pictures the blade just a few feet away and understands why she resorted to such drastic measures before, because any form of physical harm would still be less painful than the emotional hell she puts herself through. And she thinks back to those times when she'd see cars and wonder what would happen if she took a step too early into the street. The dangers she'd put herself through just to try to find the answers to her questions. And she wonders, just wonders, if maybe everyone's life would be better if she had acted on those impulses. 
Then mercifully, sleep.
*****

Disclaimer - Just for those of you who tend to read my blog, not a true account. Don't worry.