Recursive Art

Finished my "art" for COS! I'm liking recursion - it's just fun. A little frustrating, but ah well. In any case, this isn't anything like what I actually wanted to do at first, but I still have no idea how to make my original idea work haha. Yay for adapting. (Also sorry for the grainy quality of the picture - I resized with Paint since I didn't want to go through the trouble of actually downloading pictures of the file. =P)

COSMOS Love

Almost the same comment, at the exact same time. Three different time zones - in California, Illinois, New Jersey - but we're so in tune. This totally just made my day. I love these guys. ♥

Did you really believe you could do it? What were you thinking?

I can do this.

For now, on my own. But maybe one day I can believe the way that you do.

Behind These [Brown] Eyes

It's so funny looking back at our "old" texts and messages. Just two days ago. Two days. I definitely messed things up.

I'm happy for you guys. I guess if life were a zero sum game, better you than me; you deserve it infinitely more.

To This Day

Broken Shards and Broken People

It's laughable to think how fast all of this happened. How fast it just went downhill. Maybe it would have hurt less if I felt like I had tried harder to actually do something about it, but I realized the problem much too late for me to do anything about it. I can't even justify trying to get a second chance because you deserve better, especially since I had always thought that from the start. They told me I was lucky. I knew it better than anyone else. No one ever pieces broken shards back together, so why would anyone want to put together a broken person? 

No, I'm not okay. But I'm not worth enough for anyone to try to fix me.

Secrets

I was hoping I'd be able to get through more than I did. And I suppose I still can, but on the other hand I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. I just wanted you to know more about me than most people did, and I still do, but it just... I don't know anymore. I shouldn't have told you that one yesterday. I didn't think it through, and it was a poor choice. It doesn't make it any less true, but it wasn't a truth meant to be said. I'm sorry.

Maybe nothing was really wrong, just not everything was right. I told a friend that a few weeks ago. So why is it that I can't fully believe it myself? I feel like I do - I'll feel perfectly fine, and then this pain will just hit. It passes though. But it worries me. Why is it that I can't take my own words? I think it's just that I have trouble believing that nothing was wrong, and that I'm the problem. Because really, in all honesty, I really do believe I am. There's that saying that everything happens for a reason because it's either a blessing or a lesson. What if that same rule applies to people, and I'm the latter?

I don't know. I'll be okay. Eventually. I always am.

I suppose it's true then, that others can't love you if you don't love yourself.

You stupid, stupid girl.

Why does it feel like I just mess things up?

Sierpinski Triangle

Finished Sierpinski today! So much faster than NBody haha. Super proud since I did it pretty much all on my own too! =]

Following images are all from my own program - super excited! Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do for my own "artistic" program...

As stupid as it sounds, I put "Make it good" on my to-do list today. My work's not done until I have a good day, so I better make it great.

It Gets Better

I woke up this morning and went to class. Didn't feel like I learned much, and realized I sincerely need to learn more if I wanted a chance at doing well in my classes. Turned in my orgo lab, picked up my orgo pset. Printed out a ton of practice tests. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and rather stressed. I was legitimately at the verge of tears when I took a nap in the late afternoon, and I didn't feel much better when I woke up. To make things "better," I had planned to do some practice exams that I just didn't even get around to doing.

But then I went to PEF. And I have to say, I've only been there twice, but it's just amazing how things that are addressed completely relate to my worries. Not even necessarily about anything specific, but just life in general. I really am going to make this a weekly thing. It's great. I really do like PFA as well, but it's a bit too big. I feel like I can really get to know and meet people at PEF easier. Speaking of which, I played In a Pickle with people after the actual meeting, and watching part of an episode of The IT Crowd, which was pretty hilarious. They're such great people, and it really just made me rethink everything. Sure, I'm worried about my tests and my grades - it's been so long that I've felt almost defined by them in a way - but this is what really matters.

Caught Wreck It Ralph at the Garden with Kathryn and Matt. Have to say, it's such a fun and cute movie. If you haven't seen it, you definitely should! 
Also, O-RE-O.

Went a bit crazy afterward; I'm not completely sure what happened but it involved a lot of me laughing my head off, a bit of hyperventilating, and some hopping like a bunny. But it was fun. =]

I also got a message from my parents which was completely unexpected since they don't normally send things like this:
"School must be busy now. Don't push yourself too hard. As long as we put in the effort, that's enough. I want you to enjoy the college life, meanwhile find something interested that you want to devote yourself to be your career. You are away from home and our hearts are always be with you. Send us message any time you want. We do miss you."
It was really sweet and definitely came at a good time.

"Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." ~ Mark Twain

No matter how important you think you are to me, I can guarantee you it's more.

Dear Diary...

7:43am - It's cold outside. Why am I up so early? 

9:30am - I don't want to get out of bed. 

9:37am - I should probably get out of bed. 

9:41am - It looks so dreary outside. I should wear bright colors. 

10:15am - I wish I were better at coding. Or actually understanding code. I feel like I do everything by trial and error a lot, and that definitely shouldn't be the case... That's definitely wrong. I should fix that. 

10:40am - I could potentially change this just to play a different song for this one case... 

12:03pm - Mmmm food. 

12:39pm - I should really do work. I can't believe how absolutely lost I am in all of my classes. There's just so much I don't understand. I guess it keeps life interesting since I'll always have something to work for, but I do wish that I just understood a little bit more. Just enough to actually know how to approach a problem. 

1:07pm - Oh screw it, I'm going for a bike ride. 

1:13pm - It's frigid outside, but it's nice to just coast down a hill and feel amazingly free. I wonder what everyone else is up to? Each person lives a different life. I wonder how everything ties together... 

2:04pm - Okay. Plan of action. I'm going to do this one assignment, maybe a quick nap, then work like crazy. It's going to happen. I'm going to force myself to get work done. 

2:44pm - Yeah, naptime. 

3:37pm - Bring it. 

3:40pm - I lied. Don't bring it. 

4:13pm - I have no idea what the crap is happening. 

5:57pm - I need dinner. 

6:28pm - Seriously, why don't I understand any of this? 

9:24pm - Why am I doing this to myself? What's the point? It's not like I'll ever amount to anything more than mediocre. There are so many more people out there who can do everything I can, but more and better. Everyone who said I would go far in life? They lied.

10:12pm - Nothing really matters anymore. I just want to curl up and sleep but it's just not an option. If I want to pretend like I'm worth something, anything, I at least need to try. I need to try to justify my existence somehow. Why is it that even my so-called achievements remind me of my failures? And who am I to complain about failing - at least I had the opportunity to attempt it before I fell. 

10:30pm - I'm sincerely torn between telling someone every secret I have or just pretending those horrors don't exist. I want someone to know, but there's no way they would ever speak to me again if they truly knew who I was. And I'm much too afraid of losing people to risk it. 

11:11pm - Please, please just tell me why. 

11:56pm - I should just sleep. I really should. Tomorrow will be better. And everything will be fine in the end. Everything will be okay. It will, it really really will. It will. If only I could trust myself enough to believe what I say... 

2:04am - I miss home. 


And she lays in bed with silent tears coursing down her cheeks, wishing, wishing that an answer would come to end the endless questions swirling through her head. And she pictures the blade just a few feet away and understands why she resorted to such drastic measures before, because any form of physical harm would still be less painful than the emotional hell she puts herself through. And she thinks back to those times when she'd see cars and wonder what would happen if she took a step too early into the street. The dangers she'd put herself through just to try to find the answers to her questions. And she wonders, just wonders, if maybe everyone's life would be better if she had acted on those impulses. 
Then mercifully, sleep.
*****

Disclaimer - Just for those of you who tend to read my blog, not a true account. Don't worry.

T-7 til MOL214. T-11 to CHM304 and ECO202.

This next week and a half is going to be absolutely joyful.

Smile through all of your tears, laugh through immeasurable pain, conquer each and every one of your fears, it'll be worth it at the end of the day.

I just... Wow. What's going on?

I swear I thought I was over this.

Just an Episode in Your Life

If our lives were series, shows to be watched by others, how often would they see me in yours, or you in mine? Would we only have a cameo? Would we be sensational figures that caused ripples in the story line which eventually settled? Would we be seen in flashbacks? Or would we be characters they loved (or hated), to be remembered and talked about? Would we be subplots? Would we show up periodically - every week, every month? Would we be companions, always there?

When you look back on your life, where will I be? Will I be an episode or a running thread?

Orgo and Molbio exams. T-2 weeks.

Just breathe.

Music normally serves to clear my mind so that I can sleep. Lately, my thoughts have been better than good enough company. =]

I'm Tsaichu right? I think this actually represents what I'd be like if I were actually a Raichu. And you know, if this were physically possible.

Catching Up

I had a bit of free time and I didn't particularly want to do politics reading, so I talked to a few from back home just to catch up. =] It's been pretty awesome. Everyone seems to be doing relatively well, apart from the stress of college/college admissions.

I really need to be better at staying in contact with people. I always talk to a few people when they're online, but other times, I'll see people I sort of want to catch up with online, but I happen to be in the middle of a pset, and I know conversations will take a while. Friends are more important than school though. It was true for me in high school, and though school takes up more time now, I'm going to make that hold true through college too.

He is beyond amazing ♥

Happy Valentine's Day!

Just Once

The Broadway show was absolutely amazing. Just... wow. I'd definitely see it multiple times (sorry, couldn't resist). Actors dancing around, playing instruments. Mind blown. It was such a beautiful story too, and I've definitely heard the soundtrack before, though I didn't know it was from Once. I've definitely sung Falling Slowly before with friends. In any case, it was just beautiful. I don't even have the words to describe it.

N Body

I'm going to recreate the solar system this week. It's happening.

I may not have gone where I wanted to go, but I think I am where I need to be.

Lunch Trays + Ice

Woke up, attempted to do MOL and orgo psets. Got through about half of both, decided I didn't know how to do the rest. Ah well. MOL psets technically aren't due, and the orgo one isn't due until Friday, so hopefully I'll be okay.

Went to a PUCS meeting. PUCS people are super awesome - meetings are always fun. Sorted out some random events for the semester and just chilled a bit.

I've apparently taken charge for the Wilson Spring Giveaway. -shrugs- Works.

Went sledding again with Hansen and Matt. Everything was ice though, which meant that we went super fast but it also got a bit painful. It was amazingly fun though, and I'd definitely do it again. I do have to say that I prefer packed snow over ice. Also had a pretty epic snow... something or the other fight. Scooped it up in the trays and just launched it at one another. =]

Dance party with a strobe candle. Yeah, you heard me.

Pretty good day. =] Hoping for an equally good (and hopefully more productive) week!

Also, I got a Tiger Compliment for fixing a paper jam. xD

Just Chilling

With all the snow outside. Get it? Haha. Ha.

No, but really. I didn't accomplish much today. Or at least, it didn't feel like I did. Probably because most of it was reading and not doing problem sets or coding or anything. But I read the MOL stuff for the week, and most of the POL stuff. I do have to say, POL lectures are infinitely more interesting and enlightening than the readings... The readings are just all excerpts, and I really do hope we don't have to memorize them. I'd much rather just understand the concepts than memorize which court case said what for an entire semester...

But I did that. Slept a bit. Walked around outside for a bit and returned books to the public library. It's really amazing to walk outside in the snow and just look at the stars...

What's not amazing though, is ice. I can't even say how many times I almost slipped on that stuff. Though I suppose it should be noted that the one time I did fall today was in Frist, absolutely nowhere near any ice. And I suppose that was just because... I don't know, I suck at walking? Anyways, I have a lovely bruise on my knee from that now. But ice. Oh my gosh I'm going to kill myself one day on it...

Went to see Argo at the Garden Theater! It was pretty amazing, though definitely over-dramatized. In any case, it was good. Saw Lawrence there too!

So tomorrow... A few meetings. Might go to the MOL review just to check it out. Nothing so far seems particularly hard, but I mean, we'll see haha. It's been a good past few days - let's hope it carries through the semester!

Snake (Year of), Singing, Snow, and Sleds

Had the absolute best day today. It's really been one of the most memorable experiences here.

Woke up at 10:11am for my 10am COS precept. Somehow got out of bed, did all my morning stuff, and made it to Friend by 10:18am. (For those of you not at Princeton, my dorm to Friend is normally, say, a 10-minute long walk.) COS was pretty uneventful, reviewed some stuff and I worked on precept exercises. It's so satisfying to be able to program something and have it work the first go. Doesn't normally happen though; I don't even want to say how many trials it took me to get TenDice to work... I was sincerely about to cry from frustration (a personal tic which, frankly, pisses me off). It was fun though.

Went to lunch, proceeded to do nothing and take a nap until about 4pm. Got ready for the CSA Chinese New Year celebration! It was pretty awesome - CHIME performed, the CSA Frosh Board had a hilarious video, Taiyee and his friend played a few songs (which were amazing), and DAVID SO CAME. I can't even say how much I love that guy - if you have no idea who I'm talking about, look him up on YouTube. Absolutely hilarious, and his gig today made me laugh so much I thought my muscles would seize up. Got a picture with him and an autograph too! Happy Year of the Snake!

Went to the PEF weekly Friday night meeting. It was amazing. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but I guess uplifting and inspiring would be good words. I really did love singing along, though I didn't know the lyrics. It was pretty easy to catch on. I guess another word to describe it would be touching - I almost cried a few times. I met some really amazing people there too. Definitely going back when I can.

TASA initiations were fun. We all got blindfolded, and had to order ourselves by height and date of birth (two different sorting periods) and got led in a blindfolded train through the underground tunnel between Icahn and Guyot. Really fun and pretty awesome bonding. Stairs weren't as scary as they would seem, considering the blindfold, but really as long as you trust and follow the person in front of you, you're good. Then we had to guess the color of food we ate while blindfolded too - it wasn't as hard as expected either. But it was super fun and we got Asian snacks! The trivia was the worst part - we had to match facts about old board members with the members, and we were a little less than stellar at that. Regardless, it was an amazing time, and I'm super excited to serve as Publicity Chair for TASA this and the coming semester!

Went to chill at Forbes for a bit after - invaded their study break and ate cookies. Omnomnom. =] Had a pretty short game of Mafia, and hung out in Matt's room with people for a bit. I really do love everyone at Forbes; they're such fun people to be around.

We got like 5 inches of snow (courtesy of snowstorm Nemo)! Made a mini snowman and a snow angel. Lots of snowballs were thrown. Had the urge to roll down a hill on the way back to Wilson, so Matt and I found a hill and actually found lots of people sledding down on trays from Frist. Joined in on the fun and I have to say it was one of the best experiences of my life. I think we legitimately found every possible way to go down a hill on a lunch tray. Sitting (classic), laying down (bit more fun), on your belly (best of the "normal" ways), standing up (snowboard!), two trays at once (skiing!), two people on one tray (which actually works), a train of sledders (my personal favorite - you get lots of momentum) going both forwards and backwards... It was just an absolutely amazing hour and a half. I was completely soaked by the end, but no complaints really. I really just love the snow - maybe the novelty will wear off in the next 3 1/2 years, but I hope it doesn't. It's just so magical.

All in all, it was just an amazing day. Life is wonderful.

COS Bug

At least that's how Matt describes it.

It's just so addicting. It's actually horrible, because I still have no idea what I'm actually doing, but I just want to keep doing assignments... I spent parts of MOL lecture refraining from programming since we have laptops for LectureTools and the lecture wasn't particularly interesting... Then I coded through COS lecture haha. I'm pretty sure I got RandomWalker and RandomWalkers (legitimately on my own this time, no help!) so that was super awesome. I can't figure out arrays though. I'm definitely just doing something insanely wrong but it just doesn't make sense to me. Blah. It's frustrating since I can't do anything with the program until I figure it out... Hopefully I'll get it by tonight, since I'm actually going to get other work to do tomorrow.

Before They Crush My Dreams

Just going to say my classes are pretty amazing.

CHM304 - Definitely going to be hard. Probably going to stress/cry over it a few times this semester. But Sorensen is a great lecturer and I know how to study better now. Plus synthesis seems a lot more interesting than the topics we covered in first semester.

COS126 - Programming seems pretty fun. Granted everything I've done so far is really just getting me used to Java, but having your program work is pretty awesome. I actually really like it, but I can definitely see myself procrastinating other work to do COS that isn't due for a while...

ECO202 - Müller is actually amazing. He's such a great lecturer - he's insanely funny, engaging, and just really awesome to sit in a class with. We were just doing basic stuff today - mean, median, mode, standard deviation - but he made it interesting anyways. It was hilarious because we took a survey Monday, and one of the questions was "What percentage of people do you think will do better than you in this class?" and his plot for that today showed that 70% thought they would be in the top 40%. Awk. Also we had our first nerdchallenge, which was pretty hilarious.

MOL 214 - The simplicity of the textbook (it looks like it's for high school general biology) is a bit disappointing, and the transition from lab in Frick to MOL lab is pretty drastic. But I'm sure we get to do pretty awesome stuff, and the professors seem really enthusiastic. Plus LectureTools is amazing - I completely endorse using it for any class that is based on PPT/slide lectures.

POL316 - Whittington isn't a particularly funny lecturer, but the discussion-based lecture style really works for the class. It legitimately goes by in a flash. He's really good at explaining things in layman's terms too. I'm super excited!

Beauty

There have been so many instances when a friend tells me that a topic is absolutely beautiful. And I can see the subject as interesting, worthwhile, and fun, but not beautiful. It's a bit intimidating at times, and at others, I just wish I could feel that way about a subject. I like what I'm doing but I feel like I should be connected with it more. When am I going to find something I can call beautiful?

The Second First Day of College

I'm liking my Monday schedule at least. Get to sleep in (or have time to do some random stuff in the morning before class) since my first class is ECO202 at 11am. Will, Ryan, Evan (x2!), and Dandan are all  in the class too haha. Professor Müller's pretty awesome. He's super funny and a pretty great lecturer. Fully expecting the class to be hard, given me minimal (read: lack of) experience with stats, but  I'll get through it.

Civil Liberties seems like fun too. I'm sort of expecting it to be a bit dense, and my lack of knowledge about court cases and specific amendments and articles in the Constitution sort of worries me, given the discussion that took place in class today. I was able to talk a bit though, so that was nice. Whittington's a pretty good lecturer too, and I'm excited for the discussion-based lecture.

We'll see how tomorrow goes though. That's the one that's going to be tough.

Boston!

Boston was pretty amazing. It's such a great place. I've never been a city person - I could live in one, but I'd much prefer to be in the suburbs. I could revise that for Boston though. It's busy enough, but not ridiculously crowded. In any case, it's amazing.

It was super awesome seeing Pikatu again! Rory and I grabbed lunch when we got in on Friday and he met up with us and took us to get cannolis after. Never had one before, but they're absolutely delicious. Super rich and I can't imagine eating more than the half I did, but they're pretty scrumptious. Wandered around for a bit, then we headed back and played the most ridiculously sketchy game of cutthroat ever. The cue and I think a 7 were missing, so we took out the 15 and used the 5 as a cue ball. Except we couldn't form a triangle or diamond so we had this awkward 2-3-4-3 setup going on for the pool balls. It was super fun though. Went to a pretty amazing sushi place for dinner. I have to say, cities do own in terms of delicious food. =] Watched the Hobbit afterward, but Eric had to leave about 20 minutes in since he had baseball practice the next morning.

Woke up around 7:45, said bye to Eric, and wandered over to Harvard Square and Park Street with Rory. It's crazy to think that the last time I was at MIT or Harvard was college visits more than a year ago. Just wow. It seemed so close but a year isn't a short period of time... In any case, we really just strolled most of the time. Boston's an amazing place to just wander... There's enough to see that you never really feel bored, but it's not so busy and hectic that you feel the need to be heading somewhere. Walked a bit in the park and chilled in the Barnes&Noble at Emerson. Met up with Eric at CPK for lunch - love that place! Grabbed some boba (it's been so long since I had actual, legit boba!) and headed back to MIT. Packed up and got ready to go, and played a few more games of sketchy pool before we actually had to go.

*****

We swapped rooms today! Well technically people started yesterday - I came back to a surprisingly messy common room. Ah well, everything's done now. On the bottom bunk in the corner room! It's actually pretty cozy - I like it. It'll take a bit of adjusting, but not much. Hung origami from the edges of the bunk, so it dangles down in like a little fort thing. Plus we moved the beds by the window so it'll be nice to sit in bed and read and look out a window. =] In any case, it was pretty stressful figuring out logistics and everything, but it's done now, and I'm pretty happy. Ordered more pictures from Costco to put on the walls!

Not ready for second semester at ALL. I should actually be doing civil liberties reading right now. Woops. Ah well, class tomorrow so I guess I better get on that. Well, here goes!