87/365

Sometimes, you really piss me off.

I asked you if I could go over to a friend's house, and you said maybe. I asked again, and you got mad at me for asking again, but said maybe... again. So I wanted to clarify, and you got mad that I was apparently asking repeatedly. Have you considered that that was because you wouldn't give a straight answer? If you said no, I would have stopped asking. In your world, maybe might mean something concrete, but in mine, it means "I don't know."

I wanted to get a bike. You've been nagging me about learning how to ride one since two years ago, and I finally did, no thanks to you. But sadly, I can't get better at it because we don't have a bike that fits me. You finally said I could get one. Now you're saying that if I do, I need to bike to and from school? Really? Fine. If it comes to that, maybe I will. Don't blame me for not getting enough sleep then, because I'll be getting home late (and consequently going to bed later), and waking up earlier. The reason I didn't sign up for an A period spring semester was so I could sleep. But no, apparently I need to use that time biking to school because you don't want to drive me.

86/365

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85/365

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I'm going here someday. =]

84/365

It always hurts a bit when no one replies to my IMs. I rely on social interaction to keep me happy at times... Not always, but sometimes...

83/365

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I want my own island. =P

It's So Annoying When...

You decide that just because some of my friends don't get straight A's, or close enough, they can't get 2300+ on the SAT. Didn't you think I wouldn't be good at math when I'd cry by the bed every night because I couldn't memorize my times tables? Didn't you think I'd suck at piano when I'd cry every time I hit a wrong note? There's nothing stopping them from being just as good as they want to be. And if they don't get that 2300+, it wouldn't be because they're stupid. It would be because they probably didn't work hard enough. It wouldn't be because you said they couldn't.

Adversely, all you people out there, don't think you'll do well on things you don't try for. Trust me. I've tried it and it doesn't work. You don't want to fail before realizing that...

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I hope everyone is having a great break, and not planning on doing any homework today (unlike me...)! Snuggle up with a mug of hot chocolate (or whatever you drink if you don't like chocolate... eggnog?) and a good book (or your Kindle. Or computer, so you can play WoW) and just waste the day away. Fuzzy pajamas and socks, and a super fluffy blanket should be helpful too. ;D

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! =]

82/365

I would become a chem teacher just to say Snape's little intro speech ("There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class. As such, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science and exact art that is potion-making."), and I would join a track team to scream "FOR NARNIA!!!" at the beginning of a race. Call me crazy, but I think these are perfectly good motivators. =P

81/365

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My favorite fruit of the... time? =P They're delish!

I Love My Dreams!

I had a most interesting one last night. So basically, it was one of those overrated good vs. bad type things, except it was absolutely amazing. We were like in the wilderness, with crumbling mountains and HUGE pines, and basically, both teams were trying to get to some endpoint. I'm not really sure if it was a competition or what, but it was fun. You had 7 days total to make it there, so I'm guessing competition.

Anyways, so we had Clarie, Ross (I know, right? xD), and me on one team, then some grown-ups on the other. The cool part is we all had daemons, like those animal spirit partners from "The Golden Compass"? And they had levels too! Anyways, I had a lvl 300-something baby white tiger, Clarie had a lvl 100-something bear cub, if I remember correctly, and Ross had some type of eagle or falcon. I think it was a falcon. I don't remember its level though...

In any case, it was a ton of camping and hiking and running and stuff, with a LOT of heights. Funny how you don't notice normal fears in a dream huh... We used barely-secured ropes to jump over chasms really high in the air and everything!

At some point, I got separated from Clarie and Ross, and sent on my own mission thing, where I basically proved that a ton of people were wrongly jailed (except it was like a Narnian jail with satyrs and all). So that was cool, but at that point, we only had 1 or 2 (I forget) days left to finish the quest, so I asked if anyone wanted to join our team, and we got two new additions: some dude named Lolo with a lvl 716 weasel daemon, and a shapeshifter, who was apparently a noble in the place. It was AWESOME.

I don't really remember the rest, but it was a more jumping, hiking, and such. At one point we confronted the bad team, and that was awesome. I miss my daemon though. =[

*****

I had another dream about being in some science-y lab too. It was like, marine-like, sort of like one of those walk-through aquariums. Jen was there, and somehow she found a poisonous sea snake like in a puddle or something, so everyone was psyched about that. Until she let it go. In the room. Everyone flipped and the stupid thing bit me. -.- I think Brian saved me somehow, I'm not really sure. But that was pretty interesting too. =P

80/365

Apparently when I was little, I used to sleeptalk, and sleepwalk on occasions. But you could ask me questions and I would respond. And not gibberish responses, but coherent, logical ones. I was SUCH a weird child...

79/365

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It's so cute! =D

78/365

Sometimes I really wish I was good enough. For anything. I'm always close to being good enough, but I'm never good enough. A freaking 10 points, a 0.5% away, but never good enough. And let's be honest here. Who cares about the girl who was almost good enough?

77/365

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Every princess wants her happily ever after...

76/365

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75/365

There's something special about getting a gift that's homemade, or has a special meaning (even if it's an inside joke). It's also amazing when people remember little offhand comments you made about liking something, and get you that. It shows that they listen to you and put time into finding the perfect gift.

Personally, after I figured out what to give for homemade presents, I've felt better about myself. In the past, I've always just made cupcakes and such, because who doesn't like yummy desserts? Plus, they ARE homemade. But it's just nice knowing that you're able to give something special that won't be gone after an afternoon of snacking. =P

It's Winter Break!!!

Time to catch up on SLEEP! Yay! =D

*****

December 16, 2010

A Period - Complete chillax class, witnesses got called in to find out our team spots. Varsity defense expert again! =D Apparently I really fit the part. xP

1st Period - I got to sleep the whole class because I tested on Tuesday. =P

3rd Period - Calc test, which was pretty damn hard... We got our FRQ back too: 20/23 (forgot to bound a number line for the 1st problem, and make a number line for the 2nd one). But she's curving it to out of 20, so we technically still got 100%. =P The MC was really bad. She's letting us do corrections and get back 1/3 of the points we lost though. So I'll have a 90% on that test (got an 85% without corrections). I was actually sort of bummed about getting a B until I heard the average was a 46%...

5th Period - Mr. Hodges gave us See's candy chocolates! The presentations were amazingly boring... The second project went on for like an HOUR. =\

*****

December 17, 2010

Mock Trial - Spent the class partying it up. But not really. More just chatting and cam-whoring with Lisa for the last like 5 minutes of class because she wanted to. xD I got food too! I wanted to study for chem, but I just couldn't focus. Meh.

2nd Period - Chem test was alright... The FRQ was surprisingly easy, but the MC sort of sucked. I did alright though, 100% on FR and 85% on MC. My grade went up! =P

4th Period - Mr. White actually lectured... But it wasn't really dense stuff. He made fun of Asians too! D= Whatever, he asked if he could. xD And we listened to Chantecleer; they are absolutely amazing. Their voices are like... not real...

6th Period - We had two quizzes in English; I absolutely failed the 1920s quiz, and I think I only missed one on the Gatsby quiz. Ah well... I have a solid A, so I'm good.

Science Bowl - Pretty amazing as always; Tommy completed beasted... again. I got a few questions though! =P And Zach and I visited Mrs. Dillman at least 3 times to talk about my test, pick up tests, ask her questions... xD

*****

So giving out presents was amazingly fun, like always. I just gave goodie bags to like everyone, then candy canes to more people. =P Gave out a total of 7 actual gifts this year - Clarie, Ellen (L), Lisa, Robyn, Courtney, Zach, and Ross. Visited Mrs. Dillman and Mr. Hodges to give them their goodie bags since I didn't have them yesterday, so that was cool.
I had exactly two goodie bags left over, so I figured, screw it, I'm not doing anything with them if I take them home... So I gave them to Mrs. Foss and Mr. Sloan! Yeah, I'm a suck-up. xD
Zach and Ross got their presents "late" but really still early, since we have a week until Christmas. =] Dropped Ross's off, then took a nap. Then I visited Zach on the way to the last 20 minutes of Chinese school (only went to get the assignment and drop off last week's homework). And I got my present from him, which is absolutely HUGE. I wonder what it is. It's apparently fuzzy... But then I showed up and got a $2 McDonalds Arch Card, and a $5 Jamba Juice gift card. I find it sad that I can skip half the Chinese school classes and still be the top 5 or whatever they gave the JJ cards too... Ah well, not complaining. xD

So after Tuesday, even though I had my bio, calc, chem, and English tests/quizzes (the first three of which are pretty crucial classes atm), I just sort of fell into a "Screw It" mode. As in, blah, I don't care, break is so close! But I ended up doing alright on chem and calc, and hopefully on bio and English too. =P

I'm amazingly happy. Giving people stuff always makes me happy. =] Sort of sad I couldn't give DV people stuff though... Ah well. Happy holidays everyone!

And happy birthday Simon!!! =D

74/365

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73/365

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Mr. White shared this with the class; it's absolutely AMAZING.

72/365

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Thanks Guys xD

So I fell asleep at lunch today, like, legitly conked out. And no one woke me up! D= I'm guessing they didn't know I was asleep or something, but I woke up and everyone was gone, so I was like, "Oh dang." Still wasn't late for class, but meh. xD

71/365

You may be smart, and you may have lots of friends overall. But there are plenty of people who hate you. They all deal with you, but there's the whispers and the glares, and to be honest, you sort of deserve them. Have you ever wondered why you don't have any close girl friends who go to your school? Why you pretty much don't have any girl friends in your grade? You used to. But you pushed every single one of them away. You back-stabbed, you lied, you cheated and deceived. You're too damn competitive, and you're nosy as hell. You'll lie about assignments, and refuse to help others, because your classmates might just jeopardize your grade somehow. You trample over others to get ahead yourself. Hell, you don't just trample over them, you PUSH them to the ground. Your reason? "I only compare myself to the people I want to be like." And, -gasp-, those people are all older than you. I wonder why. Maybe because you spend so much damn time crushing people into the ground to ever respect someone your age.

You're damn manipulative, and you act like an angel while simultaneously screwing someone over. You butt your way into everyone's business and make everything worse. Even better? You ALWAYS have an excuse. You're seriously the only person I've ever heard say that you'd willingly give up a close friendship to help someone you're closer to. There's a point in helping your friends, but there's also a line you can't cross if it ISN'T YOUR BUSINESS. Stay out of other people's relationships and problems. Just because they involve your friends, contrary to what you believe, doesn't mean that they involve you. Hell, you betrayed two girls who called you their sister.

And amazingly, somehow, in every stupid little argument you butt your way into, you always side with the guy. Is there this inferiority complex here? Do guys present less of a threat because of the gender difference? It's girls who you worry about, because you're a girl, and you're getting compared to them. And so, it's girls you screw over, and guys you get along with. And lo and behold, that why you only hang out with guys. And why a good percentage of the female population at your school hates your guts. You used to have a ton of close girl friends. Then you used them as stepping stools - to better relationships with other people, to better grades. To benefit yourself. And somehow, there was always something wrong with them. It was never you, just them. But why so many thems? How did you manage to be close friends with so many girls, only to suddenly have severe problems with all of them? You're only close with girls that don't go to our school because you can't constantly interfere in their business, and they don't present an "immediate threat" to your grade. But there's a limit to your deception. You can trick a few, but you can't trick them all. And there's a point, however far away, at which your "smoke-and-mirrors" will fail.

I deal with you, but I don't really want to talk to you anymore. I've seen the crap that happens when people confide in you. And it really makes me wonder... Every time in the past, when I trusted you and sided with you, and believed that your friends back-stabbed you... Could they have been the other way around?

Christmas Spirit!

So I've decided that for this week, I'm going to wear green, red, and white in some way shape or form. Every day. =]

70/365

.

If I actually drank coffee, this would make my day every morning... =]

PSAT!

PSAT was good. =] Especially considering I didn't prep AT ALL. Wayyy better than last year. =P Ross did HELLA well; he's scaring me now... First the SAT and now this. xD Anyways, I'm happy. Time for a nap!

Edit - So far, of people at Cal, I know like 7 semifinalists. All did better than 220, so I'll assume there are a few more who scraped by. But currently, we have Ross, Tommy, Robyn, Natasha, Natty, Mehul, and me. It's a good group of people, so as Mehul said, "I'm in good company." =]

69/365

.

There's something seriously wrong with me. Every damn little thing makes me cry now...

Can't You Just Lend a Hand?

Every time I ask you for help, you make me feel retarded. You act like you know everything, which is why I ask you, yet when I do, you claim to not know how to do it, or not to have done it yet. You'll ask me to do something else, and after I agree, you'll help me a bit, at least up until I give you the information you want. Then you'll suddenly sign off, or stop responding. Can't you just, please, help me for ONCE? I'm sure you can... But this is exactly why I hate asking you for help unless absolutely necessary. Your condescending manner and superior attitude just really piss me off sometimes...

There are plenty of people I annoy for help more than I annoy you, like Eric, Ross, and Zach. But somehow, even though they might get annoyed, or be reluctant to help since they're busy themselves, they never make me feel stupid through any fault of their own. Couldn't you learn a thing or two about helping others? There's nothing special about knowing everything and not sharing the knowledge... And just because you want to do well definitely doesn't mean you should push others to the ground to get ahead.

68/365

Dear God Higher Upper Being(s),

If you could please somehow, miraculously, endow me with the knowledge I need to pass this chem course without extreme exertion, sweat, pain, and tears on my part, that would be greatly appreciated. Meanwhile, I will go back to not understanding electrochem.

Mock Trial Scrimmage 12/11/10

The scrimmage was AMAZINGLY fun!!! The thing about portraying a witness is you actually BECOME the person. Like seriously, even though some of Dr. Crane's conclusions are outlandishly improbable, I still find myself getting offended when people insult them. So I only went in the first trial, and the cross attorney was super b*tchy and argumentative, but I think I held my ground. I was bailiff for the second trial, so no actual testifying, but I got to watch! It was really fun. =]

Highlights/Memories of the Day

First Trial:
1) The prosecution impeached their own witness... Indirectly, but still...
2) Draper wore this super low cut, purple long-sleeve top and stilettos. It was like, "Uh, what?"
3) "Exception, Your Honor... Uh... No exception, Your Honor."
4) The judge wouldn't let me use the exhibit! D=
5) My cross attorney was amazingly argumentative; go Marnie for defending me and objecting!
6) "The wound was situated 2 inches above and behind Angel's left ear, correct?"
"That is correct."
"And it was a quarter inch deep?"
"At its deepest point, yes."
"And does the brick found match these dimensions?"
"...(uh what?)"
7) Nick forgot where he worked... xP
8) Nick's answers on cross were ah-mazing!

Second Trial:
1) "It doesn't matter what hand the assailant used!"
2) Angel Sterling tried to cry on stand... It didn't go well...
3) The clerk was taking pictures while timing. It was weird...

In any case, it was awesome! =]

67/365

Scrimmage tomorrow! I'm so excited! I absolutely love Mock Trial. I get how people compare it to Speech and Debate, or MUN, and such, but I think it's just so unique in its own way. It isn't so much an individual task, and while every "academic team" does require communication between members, Mock Trial really needs that extra push towards a cohesive unit. On the other hand, at the same time, you need to have your own individual independent personality; when you're up on the stand, or get objected to, you need to be confident in your skills, and you need to be able to defend yourself and rely on only your own knowledge.

Plus, there's something special about walking up to a classmate and being able to seriously say, "I'll see you in court." =P

Ahhh!!!

Next week is going to SUCK! Calc test (FR and MC for whatever chapter we're on), chem test on electrochem, bio quiz and test on "The Molecular Basis of Inheritance," APUSH quiz on chapters 3 and 4 of DKMAH, a yoga test on a salutation I never reviewed because I consistently pass out in yoga, and English project due... Blah.

Running total: 4 tests (5 technically, since calc has two parts), 2 quizzes, and a project. Great.

On the upside, I'm excited for the APUSH presentation tomorrow and the Mock Trial scrimmage Saturday! Although the APUSH presentation is slightly a bummer too. Meh, whatever.

Another upside, I MIGHT have barely an A- in bio now! Got 105% on the Mendel/Gene test. Mr. White was all like, "How did you do that?" I looked him straight in the eye, and went, "It's math." I wish every test were like that... It would do wonders for my grade...

66/365

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65/365

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There's something about ice cream that makes it too sickeningly sweet for me to eat when I'm sad. I'd be better off with, say, a... steak. Yeah.

64/365

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63/365

This is a rant. If you're annoyed by rants, don't read it.

You complain about school. About family. About relationship problems. Just stop. Everyone is going through the same shit you are, possibly more. So you have a crapload of work from your AP classes. So does everyone else. Your parents keep bugging you about grades and getting on your nerves. At least they don't beat you to the ground for a grade that's been the same for the past month because your teacher hasn't updated it, or scream at you for never studying enough. At least they don't simultaneously expect more of you and tell you that you're going to fail. At least they don't abuse you emotionally and physically, at the same time. If you weren't ready for a relationship, you shouldn't have gotten into one. If your boyfriend is pissing you off, work up the courage and tell him. If you don't see him enough, manage your other priorities well so you can. There's not much you can do about feelings you can't help but feel, so there's nothing I'll say about that.

I don't have a perfect life either. It pisses me off when people say, "But you're Erica!" Yeah, I'm Erica, so what? I'm human too. I have problems too. I feel just as worthless and inadequate as the next person. I cry myself to sleep. I beat myself up for not being good enough. I have just as much school crap, family crap, and relationship crap as you do. I'm just like you, I just hide it better.

I post rants, because sometimes I just need to vent, but you don't hear me talking about all the crap I've gone through. You haven't heard about 5th or 8th grade, summer and fall of 2010, or last Tuesday. You haven't heard me cry at 6:00am out of pure, unadulterated fear. You haven't heard about the REAL reasons the things you asked about are there. You haven't heard the tears behind this mask.

And you never will. Not because we aren't friends, and not because I don't trust you. But because you have your own shitty problems to deal with, and I'm not going to add to those.

But please, just keep that in mind the next time you come crying to me because your parents, who take you shopping and buy you Christmas and birthday presents, hate you. Remember that life will get better, and could be much worse, and that this, despite what you think, isn't the end of the world.

But I'm not saying I won't be here. I'll be here forever, with a shoulder and a smile, and I won't say a word. How can I? You have far too much on your own plate.

62/365

Sometimes, I really want to cry, but I don't. Just for you.

61/365

So tests and homework and annoying parents and annoying people in general... Those all suck. But sometimes I wish that those were the only troubles I had. I don't know how much better I would feel if that were the case...

60/365

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59/365

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58/365

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57/365

Why did I even offer that when I couldn't get over this? I think I was so in denial I tricked myself into thinking I had accepted it...

I can't stop this sinking feeling in my heart...