If Death is the Coward's Way Out...

Then sometimes I seriously wish I were a coward.

So my mom got really mad at me for not studying and playing piano enough over break. Apparently I haven't been "taking advantage" of this extra time. -sighs- At least I'm sick, so as long as I keep my crying silent, you can't tell, because my sniffling can be totally due to my cold. But now I doubt I can go bowling with the rest of the Science Bowl people Saturday, but whatever. At least I got to hang out with friends and go to Great America prior to that...

But seriously, so according to her, I'm pretty much a failure at life. Expectations? Yeah, sure, but maybe it's something more. Usually if it's just expectations, you wouldn't talk openly about how even though someone's grades are decent, she knows pretty much nothing, how she's worse in basically everything than her sister, and how she spends way too much time watching dramas and talking to her friends. Yeah, okay, so maybe I do watch too many dramas, but it's not like I watch them when I have school. I've watched one drama this year, during the first three days of spring break. During which I also finished all of my homework, and successfully memorized three two-page Bach pieces. Guess I'm such a failure, huh.

And yeah, I COULD finish my homework really quick if I didn't talk to my friends. But then I would also be a loner. Of course, I doubt my parents would care as long as they had a smart, nerdy little girl to brag about and to force into an Ivy League. As long as you're smart, you don't need friends, right? Big whoop. If I didn't have friends, at this rate, I REALLY would have killed myself by now. Not that I haven't tried.

And I realized today that I haven't ever had anyone say "I love you" truly, sincerely, 100% honestly to me. I don't doubt that maybe deep down my parents do love me, if only on a biological/familial level, but sometimes I wish they'd be more open about it. But truthfully, sometimes I wish I could just feel more loved, you know? Sometimes when my friends aren't around, and my parents are yelling at me, I wonder why I'm still alive. I wonder why I put up with all this crap. And I wonder if anyone, in this whole entire world, truly loves me.

Sometimes my life is hell.