Worthless.

That's what I feel like right now. Absolutely worthless. Seriously. Sometimes I really wonder why I deal with all this sh*t. I'm not getting anywhere in life. I don't know what I want to do in life. Half the things I do are to maintain an image, a facade. Sure, they're part of my personality. but in reality, who really cares? If I went off and killed myself today, would it really matter? Oh yeah, my friends and family would be sad, and they'd probably come and cry at my funeral, but seriously, the world won't have lost anything that can't be replaced. I'm just one girl out of millions. One out of millions with the same potential as me. I haven't achieved anything yet. In fact, I think I've screwed up my life multiple times in the short 14 years I've been alive, it might be better to just... start over. No worries, no cares.

Do my grades mean I'm going to go somewhere in life? Maybe, but not necessarily. Not even likely. So why exactly do I work hard for my grades, to maintain the "smart person" image? Because it's expected. I'm EXPECTED to be one of the best. I'm EXPECTED to be smarter. It's all these freaking expectations that are stifling me. Sure, I'd probably still try for my grades even if my parents were more lax. I'd probably still GET the same grades. But at least it would be because of my own choice. I feel like I'm being forced to live up to other people's expectations. What about my own? What do I want for myself? I really have no idea. All I know is what other people want for me. What I want for myself has become dependent upon other people's expectations of me. Do I really have my own opinions, or are those only derived from the perspectives of others?

Now, I don't even know how to live up to others' expectations. I lie in bed at night and think. What have I done today? Learned about friction forces? Analyzed some literature? But what have I accomplished? Absolutely nothing. I've been called a failure before, and now, I finally feel compelled to agree. I'm barely maintaining my grades. My extra-curriculars are meager. Where exactly am I heading in life? I feel like sometimes I have no ambition, no purpose. Some people know exactly what they want to do, what they want to accomplish, and how they want to leave there mark on the world. What about me? Nothing. I don't know. Sure, I want to be successful in life. But how? By what means? How am I going to pave my own road? Do I want to be successful in a sense of being the CEO of my company, of being relied on by other people, of working by myself to discover new technologies? I want to be happy. But how? Do I want to be rich and famous? Do I want a humble living with a loving family? Do I just want to live day by day, cherishing each moment of life? What am I doing here?

I look at my friends around me, and it seems like they all have some sort of knowledge about what they want to do in life. But what about me? What do I have? I look around me, and my friends all seem happier than me. Sure, one might argue that maybe I'm smarter, maybe I'm better at this and that. But really, why does that matter? All I want in life right now is to be happy. Okay, so part of that involves keeping my grades up, of course, but I don't believe I've actually discovered true happiness. Ross says that he's content, and that I'm too happy sometimes, but now I'm really beginning to wonder if I'm just content as well. Am I truly happy? If I am, would I be asking myself this question? What defines true happiness? I guess in a overall sense, I'm happy, but when I think about the details of my life, I feel so lost.

Sometimes I do get depressed. Yeah, it happens. And when it does, I wonder if it would really matter if I killed myself. I know it sounds selfish, but would it really matter? My family would always remember, of course, but I'm not the only child; my sister can be the shining star. My friends will probably look back in 10 or 20 years and think, "Oh I remember this one girl killed herself in high school... It was so sad..." But would they wonder where I'd be if I had lived? Would anyone wonder? I doubt it. If I don't know where I'm going in life, where I want to wind up, how would they? The world would move on. One more dead girl? Just add her to the list. It's okay, she didn't accomplish much before she went off and killed herself. All I've done in life so far is take up space. If I died right now, there's no reason the world should remember me.

I feel like I had more ambition when I was a kid. I strived for my goals. When I reached them, I set new ones. I WANTED myself to be the best. I took pride in knowing that I was going to grow up, and be envied by others, and have a successful living. When other kids were off playing, I was inside reading books, doing math, learning. Sure, I was a nerd. But I had the motivation. What do I have now? When did I start losing my goals in life? Where am I going? What am I doing here?