Went for my quadrennial photoshoot today - pictures to come!

Things are a little broken...

...but what's broken can be fixed... right?

Reflections

Maybe I miss you all more than I should. I probably shouldn't be doubting myself as much as I am, but I have to admit that I'm scared. I'm scared, and it was comfortable, and right now, I'm craving comfort. But what was it that I said before, that I wrote? Be comfortable being uncomfortable, because how are you supposed to grow otherwise?

Sometimes I wonder if seeing myself through someone else would be better. I see all of these wonderful people around me, and can't help but feel like an impostor. But when did we reach the point at which self-worth was measured by any extrinsic factor, by friends, by likes, by the length of a resume? A perfect profile picture or an Instagram-worthy apartment? But when did I, personally, reach the point at which my self-worth could be measured by the length of a spatula?

I'm not ready to be an adult.

Doctors and DOTS are basically telling me I should have gone to medical school.

Forgettable

I lived wanting to be replaceable for the longest time. It made sense to me. It made sense given how I felt at the time, what I thought I wanted, what I thought would help. It made sense that I wanted to be forgettable, because I figured I was.

But having been replaced so many times over the past few years... It's really not what I want. Maybe I wanted to be replaceable, to make myself replaceable, so it wouldn't hurt so much when/if it happened. Throughout all of the years of making myself replaceable... I guess I set myself up for it. I guarded myself a bit too well. I get along with others, but it's hard for me to get close. For me to let them get close.

I've always said that I would be okay with living a miserable life if it meant others were happy. I guess I wasn't planning for others to be okay being happy even if it meant I were miserable. Their ignorance would have been my bliss, I guess.

I suppose I'm a complicated person, but I've never been a very interesting one.

Sometimes it seems the full weight of futility rests upon my shoulders.

I keep trying to sign into my MIT email with @princeton.edu

It's been ages and I apologize.

I guess this blog isn't doing too well in recent years haha. Haven't been up to too much I guess, just a lot of amazing travel in Europe! Pictures have yet to go up and I'll post a couple here later too. 

Meanwhile, unpacking and repacking for Taiwan. As thankful as I am to be able to travel so much this summer, I'm pretty worn out and tired...

It's been forever since I last posted - comps, my last final, time to relax, an amazing Reunions/birthday and now time for graduation!

I'm ready for it to all be over.

Nearly two years and one year respectively and still the scars of the abuse and insecurity linger. I'm tired of this. Get me out of here already.

Literally just a text. It baffles me how difficult it is for people to remember.

14 steps longest linear

1) Decide some defining feature of yourself. You can be whatever you want, as long as it allows others to place you somehow. Pick a sport, a hobby, a defining characteristic.

2) Make sure people can identify this characteristic. 

3) Join some clubs. Hang out with people of similar interests.

4) Branch out. Find some more friends. 

5) Adapt a bit so your personality matches theirs better. But make sure you don't lose yourself; keep that core trait close to you.

6) Develop your "new" personality a bit more. 

7) Find some more hobbies to relate to more people.

8) Make sure to keep in touch with all of the friends you've made!

9) Repeat Steps 2-8 as many times as necessary to be comfortable.

10) Be that social butterfly! You want to be someone who can be friends with virtually anyone.

11) If you start feeling lonely, go back to Step 9.

12) Make sure you haven't lost that core trait in Step 1.

13) If you have, make sure you find a different defining characteristic, and make that known.

14) Above all else, don't be replaceable.

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On that note, my synthesis held up in class today!

It's all a two-way street.