Invading Cal High!

Went to visit with Pikatu today! Mr. White wasn't there though... Bit of a bummer. I'll probably go again tomorrow to make up for that haha. Hopefully he'll be there... Visited most of my other teachers, took lots of pictures. I do miss high school in some capacity...

Meandered on over to the mall afterward. Eric needed lots of business casual wear for his marketing internship this summer. Guy's going to look sharp! Grabbed lunch first at CPK then off to dress him up! Haha, did a bit of shopping myself and got a few dresses to complement his spiffy clothes buying. =P

Rather exhausted today, not sure why (I honestly haven't done much) but I'm headed off to pray, read, then sleep. Moving into my apartment this weekend! Hope everything goes well!

By the grace of God, I am what I am.

The First 25

I'm honestly dumbfounded. I don't even know what to say - maybe a picture would be better.

Yup. Roses. FedEx delivered 25 long-stemmed white roses to my door. And from who other than the absolutely amazing Matthew Wang? I can't even phrase these feelings into words. I just want to show you off to the world, tell everyone about you and how wonderful you are and how amazingly in love with you I am.

I've been so insanely, unfairly blessed. You remember all of the little things. Random comments I make and stupid things I say and do. I mentioned that I had never gotten flowers before; you decided to claim the first 25. I jokingly dared you to be charming with code; you wrote a program filled with love and memories. What can I even say that would ever get close to how I feel about you, and how special you make me feel? Words are an obstacle. I honestly just don't even know. You're so filled with grace and compassion and love.

Matthew dear, you are ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. And I'm ridiculously in love with you. Helplessly, wholeheartedly, absolutely.

And today I've seen grace in the hands of humankind.

Here's to Life as an Adult!

I had the most amazing birthday. Nothing extremely spectacular per se, but just wonderful.

Woke up to this status from the sweetest guy.

Went to the library and checked out The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller - the man has a gift of words. Just the way he writes... And the knowledge that he brings out... It's great. 

Grabbed lunch with my parents at Tomi Sushi and Seafood Buffet, and did some shopping afterward. Got a few random things that I'll have to sort through tomorrow, plus quite a few ties. ;D

Bought a cake and some boba! Got to Skype with Matt afterward too, which is always amazing. Opened part II of his present as well, since apparently part I has been delayed. Such a nerd but he's so amazing, and remembers all of the little things about me and the random comments I make, even when I don't. I honestly don't know what to say about him. I've sincerely been so blessed to have him in my life.

Had a pretty chill dinner and cake-eating fest at home after. Called Matt and honestly just read and relaxed while having him on the line for about two and a half hours. Took *lots* of pictures with the cake haha. (What can I say, it's pretty!)

I honestly can't believe that I'm legally an adult now. It's just so insane - I don't at all feel responsible enough, wise enough, *old* (haha) enough to be considered an adult. Just wow. How the years have flown by... But it's been a wonderful journey with the best of people, and here's to the rest of this adventure, as an adult I legally am, or the kid I'll always be!

Art & Wind

Hung out at the Art and Wind Festival with Ross, Peter, and Giulio! Ran into Will and basically just meandered around the place for about an hour. It was super fun just seeing them again and catching up with them. (Lots of short jokes were made in that hour, most of them by Will.)

Got In-N-Out for lunch (yay yum) and chilled at my house for a bit until it was time to catch Gatsby.

Was a decent movie - pretty spectacular in terms of graphics and such, but it dumbed down the book a LOT and didn't have nearly as much meaning (or really any meaning haha). Was still enjoyable though, and a fun movie to watch.

Hung out at Barnes and Noble by myself for a bit afterward, bought myself a (rather pretty) Bible as an early birthday present. =] Strolled the bookshelves, read a little bit of "And the Mountains Echoed" by Khaled Hosseini (no idea he had a new book out!).

Mom took me to practice driving in the empty IHMS parking lot haha. I can now competently drive in straight lines, change lanes, make left turns (not necessarily right ones), park, and back out of a parking space! Apparently I'm not as bad of a driver as she thought I would be! (And that most of you undoubtedly think I am haha.) One (tiny) step closer to getting my license!

Planning on making a trip to the library tomorrow, and maybe grabbing lunch at a buffet with my parents. =]

"It's like you went off to college and came back religious."

Yes, yes I did. And I will proudly say that it's the best thing, and will remain the best thing, to happen to me at Princeton.

Matthew Hau-Wei Wang

When did that name start meaning so much to me? I could write this on our personal blog, but I want everyone to know about you. I want to tell everyone how much I love you and how wonderful of a friend you’ve been to me. How you’ve helped me through some of the darkest periods of my life and cheered me up, how you’ve shared in my joy. I want them to know about your enthusiasm and passion and love.

I met you at Preview approximately a year and a month ago. You were the guy who missed his train, who had the crazy hair, who scraped orange peels into the silverware disposal and made some questionable comments to people at Night Market. (Wow, you sound pretty lame. =P) The guy who came with me to sit in on a neuroscience lecture, who had his birthday while at Princeton, who tried to do handstands with Sympoh, who had already committed and made it known that Princeton was the only Ivy to which he got accepted. You were one of the people I without a doubt wanted to keep in contact with when I came to Princeton, though I did a pretty poor job of it over the summer and during the first few months. 

But after those few months. You made sure I felt at home in your hallway and invited me to hang out with some of the best people I’ve met at Princeton. You watched meteor showers with me lying in Poe Field. We had our minds completely blown by Memento at 5am. You came over to comfort me after hellish orgo tests, and walked around campus trying to find me since I was hiding under my bed and nobody noticed. You were there for me when I cried: over tests, over friends, over relationship problems. You brought me to PEF and introduced me to God. 

And you love me. You sang me a song and brought me brownies and flowers on Valentine’s. You walk me back from Forbes nearly every night even though I’m perfectly capable of getting back myself. You write cheesy notes and leave me little encouragements. You tease me mercilessly and I tease you even more. You draw watermelons all over my whiteboard and plan birthday gatherings for me. You hold my hand and are always there whenever I need you. You love me as best as you can, and always want to be better at it. 

You’re such a passionate and loving person. You’re always there to cheer someone up, to joke around and share a smile and a laugh. Some of my best memories just involve you singing and laughing and loving life. You never fail to help when you can, and you’re always trying to be a better person in every way. You’re incredibly genuine and humble. You have the sweetest smile and the most expressive eyes. 

I love how you can always make fun of yourself, and use it to make others laugh. I love how you play with Kira and Michaela and how well you get along with kids. I love how you act like a little kid yourself sometimes, with your enthusiasm and energy. I love how you want to share your love for God. I love how you always tell me stories about your friends and want me to meet them. I love your inability to fold sweatshirts and constant forgetfulness. I love how you don’t let little things bother you, and how you want to help others see the big picture too. I love the way my hand fits in yours and how you treat me like a princess even though I’m nowhere close to being one. 

I’m leaving my heart with you this summer Matt. Words can’t describe how I feel about you, or who you are. I suppose I’ll just have to show you off to my friends whenever you come over to visit. =] 

I love you.

From One Home to Another

An absolutely amazing last day in Princeton. Actually ended up staying over at Forbes – helped Matt pack until about 4-5am, realized I left my prox back in Wilson, and didn’t want to walk back in the rain and risk my roommates not being awake. Different experience waking up not in my bed haha. Ran another box to store with OA (thanks Kathryn!) and did some last minute cleaning/packing. 

Got lunch at Shanghai Park with Matt’s family, a few of his family friends, Frank and Lawrence. I didn’t realize how much I missed Matt’s family, which might seem like a weird thing to say, but they’re such wonderful people. =] Matt got to practice his Orange Key skills giving a mini-tour of campus, which was a pretty nice way to spend my last day there. 

Ended up being a bit late to the airport so goodbyes were a little rushed and rather sad. Also managed to lose my California State ID somewhere in Newark – hopefully someone found it and will mail it to me? Could have been worse though – IDs are easily replaceable. Thanks a ton to Matt’s family again for giving me a ride to the airport. =] Lugging around my bags on public transit would have been a bit of a pain. The transfer went well too – made it just in time.

Oh home. Home is where the heart is right? I definitely have a home on both coasts… It was so amazingly hard to hold back the tears saying goodbye to everyone. I really can’t say enough how amazing of an experience Princeton has been. I was telling the lady sitting next to me about college and I honestly had tears welling up in my eyes. 

And speaking of that, I spent the first few hours of my first flight choking back tears and not succeeding. I actually ended up crying so much between thinking about Princeton and the people there, and reading “The Fault in Our Stars” that a girl sitting in my row gave me a tissue. Honestly, I just… My heart’s a little broken having to leave everyone.

***

There really isn’t enough that I can say about Princeton, and almost everything I can would be cliché. I suppose I’ll try for a short summary though. 

I could talk for days about my year and still have more to say. I’ve found so many things to do at Princeton, in terms of places to go to hang out, activities to be involved in, events to go to… I’ve found my friends and my life companions. I’ve found joy and happiness and peace. I’ve found God, or rather He found me. I’ve found myself. I’ve learned so much about myself and I’m working to be a better person, and everything that has happened to me this year has helped me do so. 

Classes were hard; they were stressful and made me feel incredibly overwhelmed at times. But they were also enlightening and fun to an extent. I learned so much, more than I ever did, and I was challenged in all areas of study. And though my grades are nowhere near as good as they were in high school, and my GPA doesn’t stand a chance against my friends’, I wouldn’t give up the academic and intellectual stimulation that I get at Princeton. 

And it’s not just classes – the people there are all so incredibly passionate and nerdy. I make so many geeky jokes and so does everyone else. We bond over science puns and wordplay, we play math and pattern-finding games… It’s so comfortable. 

The people. Oh where do I even start. I just can’t. Not here. Each person deserves their own message, and hopefully I’ll get to those in a reasonable fashion. And even people I don’t hang out with – everyone is so willing to help: the students, faculty, staff… People are incredibly kind, and I couldn’t ask for a better community. 

Princeton. The Orange Bubble. It’s no less home than San Ramon.

Three Days

Three more days until I'm back home in California. And while I'm ridiculously excited to see my friends and family again, and to be working at Amgen, I'm also a bit sad and rather anxious. Partially because I'm nervous for Amgen, but mainly just leaving Princeton.

This place has been my life for essentially the past nine months. 1938 is my home, Frist and Wilcox are hangout places... I know campus better than I know, and probably will ever know, San Ramon. I've lived with the people here, eaten with them, had so many first experiences... It's become comfortable. It's what I know and love. And it'll undoubtedly be nice to be home, to go bowling with friends and chill at Madfish/Yogurtland... But it will also be weird after a while.

What do I do without Princeton for three months? What do I do without you?

Have fun, I guess.

PDF

I've discovered how little PDF-ing a class means to me right now. Honestly, the only difference is that I feel much more at ease. But I'm actually unable to just not care or care minimally. People keep telling me that I don't need to study. That I'm essentially done, and even I tell myself that. But I'm not, not really.

It's always been a bit of a problem, if we want to call it that. I try pretty hard on a lot of things that don't necessarily matter, or that wouldn't make a difference. It makes it almost impossible for me to skip "less important" classes to study for a "more important" one. It's hard for me to accept that I just won't care about a class that doesn't really matter for me in terms of my major or career, to allocate all of the time I would have otherwise spent on said class on one which is more relevant.

I mean, a C is an A in terms of PDF, but I just can't bring myself to just get a C, or to go in expecting to get the minimum. Actually, I can't go in expecting to do any less than my best. It just seems disrespectful and... wrong in a way. To just not worry about a class because it won't factor in your GPA, or because you're probably going to get an acceptable score even if you don't study. And no matter what I say about being able to get a D and pass, I'm not going to get a D. And it changes things in the sense that I won't prioritize this class over my other classes, and I am fairly confident in my ability to pass the class, but I don't go in wanting to pass. I go in wanting to do well.

It won't "make a difference" if I get a C in terms of my GPA, or how others perceive me, but it makes a difference to me. Should I not try my hardest in everything I do?

Ideals

I've had people tell me I forgive too easily, that they admire me for my inability to hold a grudge, that they're awed by the fact that I've never actually hated anyone. And I do try to forgive whenever I can, which is always; we all make mistakes. We're all sinners.

But I realize that what makes it easier for me is my hope in the human race. We're not perfect; we never have and never will be. But I like to think that we strive to attain perfection. That every individual wants to become a better person. And I have faith in God, that He is helping us in our pursuits of holiness.

But is that naive? Is that too idealistic of me? Should I instead just be realizing that some humans have no desire to change? Is this idea that all people desire to become better people in a way compromising my forgiveness? I forgive because I want to believe that all people, even though they may not be "good" people, want to become better. But even when I know wholeheartedly that a person refuses to change, I should still forgive. Is my forgiveness grounded in a false idea?

At the same time, it's hard for me to believe that *all* people want to become better, especially when they seem to show no remorse for their sins, and continue to sin repeatedly. Do I really believe that these people want to become better? Honestly, even though I want to believe that's true, I'm not really sure. The answer is probably no. It's also definitely harder for me to forgive when the sins are directed towards other people, as opposed to me.

In what is my forgiveness grounded? Do I need a reason?

Temptations

The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.

Matthew 25:41

Oh God, please help me help myself and all those around me in our pursuit of righteousness. There is so much I have yet to learn. I desire so strongly to glorify You through my actions, but what is in the mind is nothing if it cannot be realized. I pray that you'll strengthen me, and sustain me, because all I need I have in You. Help me rid myself of my worldly desires and wishes of the flesh, and to take hold of the eternal life. I am nothing without You; my weakness is Your strength.

Lord, please give me the strength to do what is right for Your glory. Give me Your will and make it my own.

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

1 Corinthians 10:13