The mission is to love.

Sometimes not reaching your dream fulfills your destiny.

What You Can Control

It's not your reactions. It's the meaning.

Motivational Speeches

I have a strong love/hate relationship with motivational speeches. I love the learning, the clarity, the understanding. But I hate not feeling enough. I hate recognizing these flaws, these holes in my being. I hate knowing myself, I hate listening and knowing the truth and knowing that I know the truth and still failing so miserably.

My heart hurts. I never feel enough. But what hurts is that other people do. That's my fundamental lie, that I am not enough, but that other people are.

God grant me the clarity and peace to accept these truths about myself, to reject the lies I tell myself, to give me the determination and love for myself to grow. Not to be "better" because to be better is to tell myself I'm not worth it where I am. But to grow. Not for myself, not for others, but for God.

Shards

Is it better to be hurt or numb? How do you even deal with a situation that you know will leave you either empty or broken?

All I learned from the gym is how out of shape and weak I am.

Oops. Guess it takes time.

Understanding

It's hard and there's more than a few disagreements that happen before we can hit this point, but it's worth it. I'll keep trying.

Times happen when I wish I could just stop thinking for a while.

Self-Evaluation

I've got a bunch of random metrics I use to assess how I'm doing in life... I'll come back and update this when I have it all typed out.

x = yes, o = sometimes

Academic/Work
[o] Do you feel happy to go to work each day?
[o] Do you enjoy what you're doing?
[] Do you feel competent?
[x] Do you enjoy your work environment/the people/etc.
[] Have you been investing additional time to learning about your field?

Finances
[x] Do you track your expenses?
[x] Are you saving a portion of your paycheck every month?
[o] Do you spend more than you plan to?
[] Do you spend on frivolous things?
    [] If so, do said frivolous things bring you enough joy to be worth it?
[x] Have you been contributing to retirement plans?

Mental Health/Spirituality
[] Do you feel loved?
[] Do you feel at peace?
[x] Do you take time to meditate and be quiet each day?
[o] Have you felt lost, out of control, depressed more than half the time?
[x] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily prayer?
[x] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily devotionals?
[x] Are you loving others?
[x] Do you feel close to God?

Physical Health
[o] Are you in the habit of exercising regularly?
[] Do you eat healthily?
[x] Do you get at least 7 hours of sleep on average?
[x] Have you been responsible about personal hygiene?

Service/Volunteering
[x] Do you find joy in service?
[x] Have you been dedicating a significant amount of your time to service in some form (at work, at church, independently)?
[x] Are you being honest with yourself about how much you can serve?
    [] If not, are you serving too much?
    [] Are you under-serving?

Social
[x] Do you have a core group of friends upon whom you can rely?
[x] Do you find excitement in meeting new people?
[x] Have you been intentional in keeping in touch with old friends?
[x] Have you been intentionally vulnerable in your relationships?

It's all about which side is in control.

Because you realize the decisions you've made reflect which part of you you entrusted that decision to. And you're starting to realize one side is, honestly speaking, more reliable, more mature, and more wise than the other. And the one who got you where you are, right this moment, was not that side.

First a lack of tears, then a smile.

Step by step.

Depersonalization

She knows it's her
The memories are all there
The facts
The date, the place, her birthday
Everything she knows.
But it feels wrong
It feels like... not her
But it is.
So she tells herself all the facts
She likes stars
She like tea on a cold day
Inside with a blanket and book
She like people and smiles
She likes the sound of rain on a window pane
The smell of brewed coffee
Though she doesn't drink it
She likes long drives with no aim
And long conversations with no end
She loves God
But this feeling of not being comes with a lack of emotion
And all these things she knows she likes
She can't feel.
But when she finally comes back into one
She wishes that were true.
Because all the pain and all the hurt
Flood in and close like a vice on her chest
And she continues with a smile.

And if I stop expecting anything, this is a role I can play.

Nostalgia

In the back of your mind linger memories, of places and people and things you once knew so well. A rose-tinted memory reel of the best of times, but you've changed since then, and so have they. Recapturing that feeling, reliving the past... It's as impossible as changing it. You never thought you'd feel so close and so far away at the same time. At the very least, it's growth you're after.