Secrets

I was hoping I'd be able to get through more than I did. And I suppose I still can, but on the other hand I don't know if I can bring myself to do it. I just wanted you to know more about me than most people did, and I still do, but it just... I don't know anymore. I shouldn't have told you that one yesterday. I didn't think it through, and it was a poor choice. It doesn't make it any less true, but it wasn't a truth meant to be said. I'm sorry.

Maybe nothing was really wrong, just not everything was right. I told a friend that a few weeks ago. So why is it that I can't fully believe it myself? I feel like I do - I'll feel perfectly fine, and then this pain will just hit. It passes though. But it worries me. Why is it that I can't take my own words? I think it's just that I have trouble believing that nothing was wrong, and that I'm the problem. Because really, in all honesty, I really do believe I am. There's that saying that everything happens for a reason because it's either a blessing or a lesson. What if that same rule applies to people, and I'm the latter?

I don't know. I'll be okay. Eventually. I always am.

I suppose it's true then, that others can't love you if you don't love yourself.

You stupid, stupid girl.

Why does it feel like I just mess things up?

Sierpinski Triangle

Finished Sierpinski today! So much faster than NBody haha. Super proud since I did it pretty much all on my own too! =]

Following images are all from my own program - super excited! Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do for my own "artistic" program...

As stupid as it sounds, I put "Make it good" on my to-do list today. My work's not done until I have a good day, so I better make it great.

It Gets Better

I woke up this morning and went to class. Didn't feel like I learned much, and realized I sincerely need to learn more if I wanted a chance at doing well in my classes. Turned in my orgo lab, picked up my orgo pset. Printed out a ton of practice tests. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and rather stressed. I was legitimately at the verge of tears when I took a nap in the late afternoon, and I didn't feel much better when I woke up. To make things "better," I had planned to do some practice exams that I just didn't even get around to doing.

But then I went to PEF. And I have to say, I've only been there twice, but it's just amazing how things that are addressed completely relate to my worries. Not even necessarily about anything specific, but just life in general. I really am going to make this a weekly thing. It's great. I really do like PFA as well, but it's a bit too big. I feel like I can really get to know and meet people at PEF easier. Speaking of which, I played In a Pickle with people after the actual meeting, and watching part of an episode of The IT Crowd, which was pretty hilarious. They're such great people, and it really just made me rethink everything. Sure, I'm worried about my tests and my grades - it's been so long that I've felt almost defined by them in a way - but this is what really matters.

Caught Wreck It Ralph at the Garden with Kathryn and Matt. Have to say, it's such a fun and cute movie. If you haven't seen it, you definitely should! 
Also, O-RE-O.

Went a bit crazy afterward; I'm not completely sure what happened but it involved a lot of me laughing my head off, a bit of hyperventilating, and some hopping like a bunny. But it was fun. =]

I also got a message from my parents which was completely unexpected since they don't normally send things like this:
"School must be busy now. Don't push yourself too hard. As long as we put in the effort, that's enough. I want you to enjoy the college life, meanwhile find something interested that you want to devote yourself to be your career. You are away from home and our hearts are always be with you. Send us message any time you want. We do miss you."
It was really sweet and definitely came at a good time.

"Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand." ~ Mark Twain

No matter how important you think you are to me, I can guarantee you it's more.

Dear Diary...

7:43am - It's cold outside. Why am I up so early? 

9:30am - I don't want to get out of bed. 

9:37am - I should probably get out of bed. 

9:41am - It looks so dreary outside. I should wear bright colors. 

10:15am - I wish I were better at coding. Or actually understanding code. I feel like I do everything by trial and error a lot, and that definitely shouldn't be the case... That's definitely wrong. I should fix that. 

10:40am - I could potentially change this just to play a different song for this one case... 

12:03pm - Mmmm food. 

12:39pm - I should really do work. I can't believe how absolutely lost I am in all of my classes. There's just so much I don't understand. I guess it keeps life interesting since I'll always have something to work for, but I do wish that I just understood a little bit more. Just enough to actually know how to approach a problem. 

1:07pm - Oh screw it, I'm going for a bike ride. 

1:13pm - It's frigid outside, but it's nice to just coast down a hill and feel amazingly free. I wonder what everyone else is up to? Each person lives a different life. I wonder how everything ties together... 

2:04pm - Okay. Plan of action. I'm going to do this one assignment, maybe a quick nap, then work like crazy. It's going to happen. I'm going to force myself to get work done. 

2:44pm - Yeah, naptime. 

3:37pm - Bring it. 

3:40pm - I lied. Don't bring it. 

4:13pm - I have no idea what the crap is happening. 

5:57pm - I need dinner. 

6:28pm - Seriously, why don't I understand any of this? 

9:24pm - Why am I doing this to myself? What's the point? It's not like I'll ever amount to anything more than mediocre. There are so many more people out there who can do everything I can, but more and better. Everyone who said I would go far in life? They lied.

10:12pm - Nothing really matters anymore. I just want to curl up and sleep but it's just not an option. If I want to pretend like I'm worth something, anything, I at least need to try. I need to try to justify my existence somehow. Why is it that even my so-called achievements remind me of my failures? And who am I to complain about failing - at least I had the opportunity to attempt it before I fell. 

10:30pm - I'm sincerely torn between telling someone every secret I have or just pretending those horrors don't exist. I want someone to know, but there's no way they would ever speak to me again if they truly knew who I was. And I'm much too afraid of losing people to risk it. 

11:11pm - Please, please just tell me why. 

11:56pm - I should just sleep. I really should. Tomorrow will be better. And everything will be fine in the end. Everything will be okay. It will, it really really will. It will. If only I could trust myself enough to believe what I say... 

2:04am - I miss home. 


And she lays in bed with silent tears coursing down her cheeks, wishing, wishing that an answer would come to end the endless questions swirling through her head. And she pictures the blade just a few feet away and understands why she resorted to such drastic measures before, because any form of physical harm would still be less painful than the emotional hell she puts herself through. And she thinks back to those times when she'd see cars and wonder what would happen if she took a step too early into the street. The dangers she'd put herself through just to try to find the answers to her questions. And she wonders, just wonders, if maybe everyone's life would be better if she had acted on those impulses. 
Then mercifully, sleep.
*****

Disclaimer - Just for those of you who tend to read my blog, not a true account. Don't worry.

T-7 til MOL214. T-11 to CHM304 and ECO202.

This next week and a half is going to be absolutely joyful.

Smile through all of your tears, laugh through immeasurable pain, conquer each and every one of your fears, it'll be worth it at the end of the day.

I just... Wow. What's going on?

I swear I thought I was over this.

Just an Episode in Your Life

If our lives were series, shows to be watched by others, how often would they see me in yours, or you in mine? Would we only have a cameo? Would we be sensational figures that caused ripples in the story line which eventually settled? Would we be seen in flashbacks? Or would we be characters they loved (or hated), to be remembered and talked about? Would we be subplots? Would we show up periodically - every week, every month? Would we be companions, always there?

When you look back on your life, where will I be? Will I be an episode or a running thread?

Orgo and Molbio exams. T-2 weeks.

Just breathe.

Music normally serves to clear my mind so that I can sleep. Lately, my thoughts have been better than good enough company. =]