It's rather amazing how fast my mood can spiral downwards. I sort of feel like a failure right now.

In the End

I really respect people who can keep such a... not exactly carefree, but just a sense of knowing that everything will be okay in life. And they all do well too. I mean, I believe in the same idea, but I definitely find myself stressing and worrying over a lot of things, and being disappointed in the steps. I feel like in a sense, I'm just setting myself up for failure. Every time I misjudged something or made a mistake in high school, I would tell myself that it's okay, and that everything would be okay later on. And it was - I mean, look at where I am. But at the same time, it's hard. It's just so hard for me to accept mistakes, to forgive myself for making them. And most of the time, I don't. I'll think I've moved on, but then they crop up again and again every time I disappoint myself. Even seemingly small things, like an insensitive comment, or having to rush to finish something because I didn't realize the deadline in time. They stay with me and they drag me down. And despite my telling myself everything will be okay in the end, it's hard for me to stop thinking that it could be okay now if I were smarter and made better decisions.

Honestly, I'm rather stressed right now and just want a hug.

Musings at 4:13am

Every day I wake up and tell myself I'm going to write that 500 word blurb for the global sem. And every day I fail to do it. Tomorrow. It's getting done tomorrow. It has to, since I'm leaving for Boston on Friday.

At least I changed my sheets! All nice and new and back to blue polka dots! And I finished The Lucky One and Go Ask Alice. Onto Dragonflight! Probably going to finish it tomorrow and then bring along Between the Lines for some reading on the trip to Boston. =] Or finish that tomorrow too and check out more haha.

Went to the grandparent class pizza party. Pretty awesome. Lots of pizza and cookies. Was interesting talking to the alum there, though there nearly weren't as many as I had hoped. Understandable though. Ah well.

Headed to Forbes after to play Zhaopengyou/80 points. Somehow ended up winning while still being sort of confused as to how to play. Ah well. It was super fun and got heated at times haha. Reminds me of like a bigger, more intense version of Spades.

Walked back in the rain! Funny how different walking in the rain can be when you're happy as opposed to sad. In any case, I wanted to get back and shower, and I figured rain wouldn't matter since I was going to shower anyways. Do have to say everyone looked a bit perplexed/worried/like they thought I was crazy when I just walked out into the rain though. Meh. Again, I don't always make the best life decisions later at night (or early in the morning, depending on your perspective) but it turned out okay.

On the flip side, I have been absolutely horribly unproductive today. Like every day. I really need to get back into the swing of things and start strong second semester. I'm also sort of wide awake right now, which is a slight problem. Ah well. Some music and a few more pages of Dragonflight should help.

Squirrel Hunting

There's been a squirrel chilling in the zee room for the past few days, and Maegan, Rory, and I got it out today! Kept poking its head over the side of the couch, and it ran out the window and literally up the side of the building. Pretty hilarious. It made a nice little bed out of the zebra blanket and paper towels on the red couch too.

Went to Target and Wegmans today. SO MUCH FOOD. Got a nice throw pillow that I can use in the common room and some miscellaneous stuff. Need to return some folder though - they don't work for what I was planning on using them. But so much food! Goldfish, applesauce, fruit cups, pita chips and Pringles... A bit bummed I couldn't find chocolate covered almonds, but ah well.

Got a package from my mom too, with more food! Congee, grass jelly drinks, Asian bread, beef jerky, Werther's soft caramels, rice crackers, green tea, nougat candies... Really she only needed to send a tiny package with some skin care items, but hey, I'm not complaining. Also got a shirt and my guard gloves! Moms are the best. And my food shelf right now makes me ridiculously happy. Plus Rory and I found *more* food outside JStreet today so we just jacked some juice and a box of Clif bars haha.

Went off to send a package and sort of just chilled for the rest of the day. Minus the desquirreling of course. Had some delicious cookies and chamomile tea at Murray Dodge. Actually, I finished Sophie's Choice today. Took a nap and had a rather unsettling dream, probably due to it, as well.

Some weird scenario of being in a WWII ghetto or some sort of confined neighborhood. Had a little apartment with someone's grandma - not mine. Really narrow stairs, and I think I lived in the attic. But there was this bookstore I really liked going to, right next to a library, and I'm pretty sure I did some illegal things smuggling or whatnot. And one officer, who looked strangely like Trap, would always come after me for it, but he was pretty nice and would usually let me off with a warning. But then I stole a book one day, and he came to the apartment, and I had to get the book, but I got sidetracked somehow. Found the book and followed him to the apartment, but passed by Wilcox on the way. Some people were breaking things in there or ransacking the place or something. He went in, I started back to the apartment, and some girl on a bike came by and dropped a package which I somehow just knew was a bomb. Ran towards the house but not fast enough to escape the explosion. I don't even know. It was intense.

In any case though, it's been a really awesome day. Tons of food, lots of chilling, but with enough errands done that I feel mildly productive. =] I guess I'll try to find some internship apps tomorrow and do some laundry. Maybe attempt to learn LaTeX (anyone willing to help me?). Off to Boston to visit Pikatu on Friday and Saturday! =D

I would be lying if I said I knew what was happening, or how, but I'd also be lying if I said it's not amazing.

So. Much. Time.

Intercession is screwing with my mind. The emptiness of our room makes it clear how much time I have, and it almost stresses me out because I know I'll be struggling for time next semester. It's not like I'm going to start on material for next semester though - there's really no point. I've finished a few internship applications, but maybe I should find more. Or learn LaTeX. Or explore InDesign more. Ahhh too much time! And I want to go to Target, but honestly, I'm a little bit wary of going by myself... In any case, our suite is just so empty and people are gone and I don't know what to do with myself.

It absolutely HAS to be a crime to be this happy.

Also I have rediscovered today that when I'm really really happy I just sing randomly.

Do I need you because I need someone, or do I need you because I need you?

Library Cards = Power

Went to the pubic library today with Maegan and checked out too many books, if there is such a thing. Which there isn't. But I got Sophie's Choice! Started reading already. =]

The best thing was the express checkout though. You legitimately place your books on a pad and they some scan all of them. Then you drop your card on the pad and a receipt prints out. Boom, you're done. Maegan and I spent a good amount of time freaking out about it. Technology.

A Dusting of Snow

We had the most beautiful snowfall yesterday. Horrible for making snowballs, but absolutely gorgeous. It's was so amazingly light and fluffy and it glittered so brightly under streetlights. I still can't get over how beautiful it was.

Also I just light walking in snow sometimes. It's just so calming. And I like being able to see my footprints, and the footprints of other people. I'm not sure, it just sort of feels nice to know that people are going places, and that there's a destination, or dare I say point, to our journeys. I also saw a breeze actually pick up the top layer of snow today and just send it swirling around in front of me - it was absolutely amazing.

*****

Watched all 6 episodes of Sherlock yesterday. Win.

Elizabeth jacked me a rifle!!! Super excited - went outside and spun/tossed a bit. A guy actually walked by and thought it was really cool, and asked if I was in ROTC haha. I've missed guard way too much. I'm also insanely out of practice, and have terrible form now. Ah well, it makes me happy.

Had a bit of a bump when my classics grade came out. I really built myself up too much for that - optimism is always nice, but I need to remember to be realistic. In any case, I suppose I'll take it as "balancing out of" my + in orgo haha. I'll gladly take orgo with the plus and a lower classics grade. Well, all of my grades are out. Not the best, but decent I suppose. I'll just get better from here. =]

Chilled with Matt after the marathon and watched ep 5 since they skipped it. Youtube browsed. Mainly vlogbrothers and a bit of Wongfu. It was just super nice. Calming in a way I guess. Comfortable maybe?

In any case, one of the best days/nights I've had in a while.

Tired Tired Tired

But actually. I'm pretty sure I'm getting over this cold, but I've literally just been sleeping the whole day with periods of awakeness. I can't even call them naps because I'm pretty sure they're longer than the periods of consciousness that I've had. Ah well, at least I'll (hopefully) be done with this stupid sore throat and runny nose (but probably not the cough) tomorrow.

Bonding with the roommates. Yay college! =]

Certainly an interesting and entertaining night. Well, I just have to say, you do make insanely close friends in college.

I think I might be a bit delusional right now but I just want someone to come and take care of me and make me some tea and make me laugh even though it hurts my throat.

Edit: Yeah I'm definitely delusional.
I can't stop thinking about what happened.
Edit: I think I have problems right now. I don't understand half the stuff I'm thinking about.
I wish you were here.
Edit: I feel like if I played Truth right now, things would get interesting real fast. Must keep that in check.

Are you trying to hurt me? Because congratulations, you're doing a damn good job.

First Semester Done!

It's been an interesting ride. I really can't help but think I should have done better academically, but at the same time, I tried. It's just so different when you try your hardest and barely scrape by though - I was expecting to have to work hard and for the classes to be difficult, but not so bad that if I put the effort in, I couldn't get an A. Orgo has definitely been rough, and multi has suffered because of it. I'm not expecting much from my grades this semester, and I guess we'll just see where the next semesters take me. But hey, wake-up call. This is what happens when you go to school with published authors, successful musicians, Intel interns, etc. And to be completely honest, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

And sincerely, grades aren't everything. I remember when I would cry when I failed a test. None of that here. There simply isn't a point to it. I've made amazing friends and they've been there for me in some of my roughest times this year, even if they don't know it. I actually owe them so much. They're so much fun to be around, and I'm insanely lucky to know people like them. Speaking of which, I still find it amazing that the Flirty Eight (Plus One!) hasn't had any major drama. -crosses fingers- Best suitemates ever, hands-down.

And Princeton itself is amazing. No matter how much I complain about hard tests, cold weather (which I haven't done all that much of surprisingly), feeling insignificant and unaccomplished... It's just so amazing here. So many opportunities and people to know and things to explore. Yeah, it's been tough, and there have been times when I felt like I didn't belong or couldn't do things as well as I'm used to, but I think I've learned a lot about myself here too. What I stand for, what I want to do, and how I want to do it. It's truly amazing.

I am NOT going to get sick right now.

Woke up with a sore throat. This will NOT happen. At the very least I'm warding it off until after classics (though being sick during intercession would suck too). I can do this. I'm pretty sure I've staved off illnesses before, so I can do it now. It's happening. I will beat this shit.

Bs aren't Cs or Ds. Bs are average. Bs are okay. Bs are good even. Now I just need to convince myself that this many Bs is still fine.

I have really bad excuses for waterworks.

Life Doesn't Work That Way, But WHATEVER.

Now substitute orgo for life and that's exactly what went through my head at the end of my final today haha. Had to write a mechanism for something involving an epoxide. No idea what to do. Ended up deprotonating the thing, breaking an epoxide bond, forming a ring, and reprotonating the thing somewhere else. All in one step. Completely not feasible but I legitimately had no idea what to do. Meh. Time for multi!

I'm afraid of trusting people too much. I don't want them to leave me. I can't be alone. I've cried so much over so many friends already, I can't make that worse by having someone too close to me. And I have those friends right now - I have people I tell almost everything to. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to tell them everything.

I just always have this feeling that my problems are my own. Beyond the fact that they're usually my own damn fault, I have to deal with them myself. And while everyone says that talking to someone helps, most of the time when I do, I just feel guilty for burdening them with my problems. They have their own shit to deal with, so why do they have to deal with mine too?

You know what? No. I'm better than this.

Logic and Optimism

I've always run off one rule that for the most part, keeps me happy. If the number of good things that happen in a day outnumber those that are bad, then I've had a good day. For the most part, this means I have good days. And if I don't, there's always a good one out there. But why is it that even after having days that, according to this rule, were absolutely amazing, I'm just uncomfortable?

I've woken up just in a haze, not wanting to get out of bed. I've been ridiculously unproductive. And despite having tons of fun rock climbing, silly stringing my RCA, and cooking food with people, I just have this tenseness that won't go away. I feel off all the time. I've lived my whole life according to this policy, optimism. And I believe what I tell myself, I truly do, but it doesn't seem to help. It's like what I believe doesn't affect how I feel, and it's the most frustrating thing ever.

I've written and rewritten on my arm so many times it's starting to hurt.

But I actually can't stop it. I need this; it keeps me from doing stupid stuff.

It would have been 10 months.

My friends will keep me strong. ♥

Read On

You know, as stressful as finals are, and no matter how badly I want to do well on them and how unprepared I am to do so, I'm at Princeton. It's still surreal. I've made it to college, to one of the top universities in the nation. And as I struggle through mounds of reading and practice tests, shove my brain with structures and names of Greek gods, I hope that I remember that. I'm so incredibly lucky to be here. And even if it hits rough patches, a dream is still a dream.

One More Day

That break went insanely fast. Wow. I also can't but feel like I sort of wasted it. I definitely spent a good part of it in limbo attempting to study but feeling like I got nothing done. I'm no less screwed for finals. I suppose I might be more screwed, considering other people probably got stuff done over break... Maybe I should have just partied the 3 weeks away haha. In any case, it was great catching up with friends, and being back in my room in California, with Cali weather (though this winter was a little bit colder than before). Went shopping too - I was hoping to clean up my room by bringing back a ton of clothing and random items, but I've definitely made up for the clearance of space with clothing. And shoes. Although I do suppose I'll wear these clothes more. I'm loving the boots I got and the leather jacket, plus sweaters and an excess of jeans. I definitely got too any clothes but at least they're nice and I like them!

Tomorrow? I guess I'll be finishing up packing. Maybe read a few books, but mainly just chill. Spend the last day with my parents and see if we want to go out for dinner. It's weird not seeing my parents for so long - having been on my own for a few months, I definitely appreciate all that they've done for me so far that much more.

Happy New Year!

Needless to say, this year's been pretty crazy (and amazing!), full of ups and downs. You know, much like any other. I guess a recap is in order.

*****

~ Club competitions - DECA, Robotics, Mock Trial, MUN - so many new experiences and we did surprisingly (or not surprisingly ;P) well. Got individual awards, which was gratifying, but it was my teammates' and friends' that made those experiences unforgettable. Getting lost on the way to the breakfast tent, taking the wrong test but owning it regardless. Countless repairs on our robot but being epic on balancing the platforms. "You are quite astute in your observations" and "The only thing the fibers being blue tells us, is that they were not red." Tony standing up to Osama bin Laden in the crisis. So many memories and so much fun.

~ The end of college applications and the beginning of admissions. Not as much a rollercoaster ride as my friends, as my rejections/waitlistings were somehow all clustered at the very end, but nerve-wracking as well. And in the end, who cares? Princeton, what more can I say?

~ Princeton Preview... One of the best experiences of my life, and I met so many of my future classmates and current friends there. Shu and Matt, Michael, Max, Brian. It was truly amazing and being there on campus with wonderful people just made me fall in love with the school.

~ Equating my eight 5s to Michael Phelps's eight gold medals. Just for fun. And, I suppose, to make myself feel better about spending so much money to take so many tests, most of which didn't count for credit. xD

~ Graduation marked an end to an amazing high school experience. So full of activities and friends and laughter, and now that I'm in college, I sincerely appreciate that much more how well I was able to do in high school.

~ Summer was an adventure in Asia, to Taiwan, Japan, and Korea. Taiwan was awesome as always - hung out with family, played pool, shopped at night markets and department stores, and ate amazing Taiwanese food. Japan was surprisingly... sharp. Everyone was well-dressed, everything was exceptionally well-prepared. Korea was just beautiful. Went with a tour group, and though I don't keep in touch with them much, they were an amazing group of people and insanely fun to be around. Had to work my Chinese skills a bit, and they were so sweet and posted in English online so that I could read what they were saying.

~ And then came college. Started off with a bang with OA, most out-of-my-comfort-zone but enlightening week full of LNT, peanut butter/Nutella torillas, and bonding around a campfire or under a tarp in the middle of the wilderness.

~ Orientation was... a bit hectic. Moving in - thankfully I and some others more or less moved in before OA, because 8 people moving into the same suite at one time would have been a disaster - a plethora of "mandatory" events, but being able to meet so many people at the same time. All of my roommates, with whom, as might surprise some of you, I still haven't found a point to argue. The "Dirty Eight of '38," our guy suite counterpart, all of who are sweet and funny and fun to be around. Trap, our absolutely amazing and super accomplished RCA - a better one I could not have asked for if I tried. And remeeting all of my friends from Preview.

~ As for the semester (which isn't over!), how do I even begin. If I even tried to say everything that has happened, it would take way too long, so I suppose I'll "summarize" an experience which can't be put into words. Midnight walks around campus. Absolutely hilarious, tangential conversations in writing seminar. Two runs to Frist for late meal every day (just one on Friday and not on the weekends!). Maegan laying on the floor. Rory's witchcraft and our shared love of modular origami. Lawnparties. Hurricane Sandy (and riding around outside in a golf cart during Hurricane Sandy). Holder. Late night runs to Forbes. Trying not to break flasks and kill someone in orgo lab with Melissa and Amber. Hearts. Gingerbread Catan (or any type of Catan, really). Orange and Black Ball. THE BONFIRE. My first snow. Watching an absolutely stunning meteor shower while lying on Poe Field with Matterpie. Thanksgiving break spent at Rory's. TASA fun with shaved ice, boba, and mochi. Secret Santas and birthday celebrations. Restaurant week. The establishment of Tiger Compliments and Tiger *everything-else*. That's not even the half of it - it's just been an absolutely amazing experience so far. Difficult and challenging for sure, but I wouldn't give it up.

~ And now we come to winter break. Catching up with friends, sleeping in, doing minimum work whatsoever (though I should really do more...). Bowling and movies. And ringing in 2013 with Uno, junk food, Ironsky, and s'mores. I think this is going to be a good year.