No Shame

I've always said I've learned to not care what others think, and only live according to my own expectations. It's not entirely true, but it's close enough to be the truth. But sadly, this means that every time I fail, I've disappointed myself. I've let myself down and made myself think I'm worthless.

You'd never really know, but I definitely went through a period of depression. I'm not really even sure why - I think I was just overwhelmed and feeling like I wasn't good enough. I tried to kill myself by taking pills, and when I woke up the next morning, it almost made me sad that I couldn't even accomplish that. Now, I'm glad it didn't work for whatever reasons, but at the time, it was just another add-on to the list, and the saddest one of all. This girl is such a failure, she can't even kill herself. I also went through a period of cutting, which was sad not only because it's cutting, but because I'm scared shitless of blades. I never really drew blood - I only cut deep enough for a red line to show, but the cuts never really bled. And I can be glad for that in the same way I am for my failed suicide - you can't see the scars unless you know what you're looking for, and you really try. I punched walls because the pain was, in a way, satisfying. I've had to wash my walls because there were faint but noticeable red smears right above my headboard. And similarly, I can be glad because my knuckles always healed with no scarring.

I'm fine now, but every time I fail a test or just don't live up to my expectations, some remnant of those feelings rush back. It's just a sense of feeling like I'm helpless and hopeless. That's the problem with only having your expectations matter. Regardless of what people say, regardless of whether they think you're amazing and brilliant and talented and smart, it barely ever changes your own view of yourself. When I'm feeling like a failure and someone compliments me, I feel grateful for their kindness, but I don't feel like any less of a failure. I could stand in a room, feeling completely worthless, then get complimented by all of the people I know, and I'd still feel worthless afterward. I won't lie, I'll feel better, but it's not going to change to a point at which I actually feel good. And I guess it just goes to show that when people tell me I have low self-esteem for thinking I'm not really good at anything, I think to myself, "I'm just being realistic."

I actually feel worse when others have high expectations of me. When people use "But you're Erica!" as an excuse, I don't get upset because they expect that much of me, I get upset because I don't. I never feel like I can do better than everyone on anything. The general public maybe, because I will acknowledge that I learn faster than some, but a great majority? No way. I can think about things logically and know that I have one of the highest, if not the highest, weighted GPA for my class, but I can't think of myself as being in the top 1%.

And I have thought about dying in recent times, but I've never acted on it. And I won't, because I know that despite what I think about myself, there must be a reason others keep telling me the same things. At least, that's what I tell myself, but sometimes when I'm really down, I do wonder... I guess I can be glad that even when I'm really upset, I'm logical. I can be bawling my eyes out or absolutely furious, but at the same time, I'll be asking myself, "Does this really matter? Why are you doing this?" So I knew I was depressed when I was. I know when I'm being unreasonable. The hard part isn't acknowledging it; it's acting based on what the logical, and not emotional, part of me knows. But I think that's what saves me. My sadness is serious, but short. I tend to not dwell on things. They come up repeatedly, but I recover quickly. I've hidden my true feelings from my friends, and sometimes at school, but not as often as one might think. I don't get hung up from something that happened a few days ago, having to hide it for a week, simply because I can rebound quickly enough to not have to.

I guess what I'm trying to really say is that despite my happy-go-lucky and outgoing personality, I'm actually not always that carefree.