I Guess I'm Done

I think in your "characterization" of me today, you hit almost every point I had to say about you.

Apparently I'm really snide when I help people? I don't know how you'd know, because you never ask me for help in the way you say I do. You said you ask for help in calc? Yeah, right, you with your 100-and-whatever would ever ask me for help. Plus, snide-ness is an opinion, which may be influenced by the fact that you hate being "taught" unless you have a specific question. And if I'm so snide, why do you always ask me for help with Mock Trial questions? If you don't like my tone, have you thought telling me would help? Even if my tone isn't great, at least I help instead of ignoring you. Oh, right, you think I do that too. Except when I ask when I've ever ignored you, you can't come up with a single example, and just declare that I have.

I'll tell someone if I don't want them to look at my notes, or if I don't want to help them. No, you insist that "[the notes] don't help," and only admit you don't want to help after I logically tell you why your argument doesn't make sense. I'm frank; you beat around the bush until there's no other option but to actually say your true intention.

Oh, and after getting over this barrier, you find it prudent to go on a huge rant in class about how I apparently "screw you over" and tell you we don't need to know something and we end up needing to know it. Well, sorry if I'm not a psychic; I don't get why you would expect me to know what's on the test any better than you do.

And apparently I over-dramatize everything. Yeah, sure. I'm pretty sure I know what my parents expect of me more than anyone else though, even if the other person is in my family. There's plenty of things that go on when guests, because that's what she was, aren't visiting. So okay, I'm dramatizing things because someone who was visiting insists that my parents don't expect as much from me as I say they do.

And the worst thing you do? You're fake. Absolutely fake. You even had me fooled for a few years. I ignored my gut instinct and everything my family told me because I thought you were better than that. But you pretend to be all nice and loving and helpful until there's something to be gained from your friends. Strengthening a different friendship, getting a better grade, something that would help you. Then your former friends get tossed aside and stepped on.

*****

I cried through math and lunch. I don't even know why I would waste the tears. Maybe it's because I was sad someone would ever think that of me. Maybe it's because I was surprised that someone like you could accuse me of not helping others. Maybe because I thought you were better than that. I've tried to defend you against the back-talk (oh yeah, it's definitely there) but if you really think I'm snide, don't help you, ignore you, and try to screw you over, then fine, I don't care what they say about you anymore. Keep in mind that there are plenty of people who think the same exact thing about you.

Oh right, I've sort of wanted to say this for a while, but I felt bad because I was probably just going crazy. But today's incident has lent me conviction. Have you ever noticed that you don't have any really close female friends who go to our school, and are in our grade? You used to. But oh, wait, you screwed them over. Just like you think I'm trying to do to you. You're close to guys, and girls either not in our grade or not in our school. I'm speculating (yeah, object to that) but that's probably because they don't present a threat to you and your perfect little world with your perfect little grades. You screw us over with friends, with grades.

*****

So you know what? If you want to hate me, go ahead. I should have seen it a long time ago when those little things happened, but I just glossed over. I figured you had other stuff to deal with. It wasn't just me either. That thing with Amy? I don't know her, so I just accepted that she was mean to you, but I really don't think that was the case. The incident last year with those two girls who used to be as close as your sisters? I tried to see things from your point of view, but screw it. You don't get another chance. I'm not a believer in "no more chances," but I'm sick of dealing with your crap. Too bad I can't cut you out of my life and history completely.

I can be spiteful and completely ignore you from now on, but I'm not a spiteful person. I can pretend it never happened, but unlike you, I'm not fake. But I refuse to deal with you anymore. You're my schoolmate, my classmate, but I don't care. You can be a stranger.

I know who you are now, and not a moment too soon. You can be glad that you don't need to deal with my "snide-ness" anymore; I don't care. I'm done.