I have friends with troubles, and it's so depressing and all. I have this friend whose depressed and has been for the last 2 years, but I never noticed, then I have this friend who is starting to hate the world and cut herself, and the hyper little Pink Bunny whom I've come to love because of her carefree attitude doesn't know who to trust anymore. I feel so useless in situations like these. I mean, I've been depressed but I still have no idea what to say to people who are currently depressed. I've lost trust in the world, but I don't know what to say to help others regain their trust.
All I know is that depression is like a void, everything gets sucked in and rarely anything comes out. Until the borders of that tunnel are shattered, it's like you're forever wandering in a pitch black tunnel, not knowing where you're going, and what you'll see. It's like stumbling through life with your eyes closed, and you always expect some miracle or happy moment when you finally open them, but when you do, all you see is a barren landscapes riddled with ash, and shadowed by looming gray clouds of misery and hopelessness. I know all of this because I've been through it, and I've emerged from the end of that tunnel, finally greeting the bright sunshine and grassy meadows, but only after months of struggling as though you're walking through sludge. But, even though I can stand at the edge of this burrow, look back at the black hole from whence I came, it's as if there's an invisible barrier preventing me from rushing back into that tunnel to save my companions. Right now, all I can think of is, I had companions in that void, but I never knew because of the stifling atmosphere and midnight darkness that separated us. I don't know how to penetrate the shield which protects me from falling once again into the void, but also keeps me away from my friends. I feel like a fifth tire, useless and even hindering progress. It's as if my friends can't count on me to help them. They know I'm there, they know that I know of their troubles, but all they can see me doing is lagging behind them, weakly trying to contribute, but really just holding everyone back. It's as if there's no point in my existence in the world, because what's the use of a friend that doesn't help, but rather hinders?
They've trusted me with their secrets, but I don't know what to do with them. I know enough to try to help, but it never works out the way I want to. It's a fragile thing, the glass-spun thread of trust. Just one breath and it will shatter, the pieces lost forever, the strand left with jagged edges symbolizing nothing but hurt. Even if the pieces are found and the thread molded or glued back together, it will never be the same as before. There will always be those marks and grooves that remind all of the hardships and misery that it's endured. I've been the friend that struggles hard to keep secrets, I've been the friend that's been betrayed... Hell, I've once been the betrayer even. The knowledge that someone you trusted, someone you thought was your friend, someone that you confided the world's secrets to, doesn't give a damn about you... It's as if the fabric of life has been ripped apart, shredded to tiny, meaningless strands of yarn. What's the point of trusting if trust is meant to be destroyed? What's the point of secrets if you know they'll be uncovered? What's the point of promises if they're meant to be broken? What's the point of confiding if all it does is deceive? What's the point of FRIENDS, if they really aren't your companions? What's the point of life, if you have to live by yourself, never trusting, never knowing if that friend is real or fake?
"Trust is a lie in itself."
I tell myself, it couldn't be... But I've been hurt too many times to believe the lie I tell myself. If trust is a lie, what's the thin fabric of real, open-hearted connection to do? Once the massive burden of lies and deceit piles higher and higher, a rip forms in the fabric. I sew up this rip, like patchwork from long ago. The thread makes that part stronger, but in doing so, it weakens the rest. As the pile increases, more rips form, and form, until the rips accumulate in such a number that there's no possible way to patch them all up. Trust isn't like a piece of paper, it can't be replaced if there's a mistake. I've forgiven, but I haven't forgotten. Those small rips in the fabric were easy enough to ignore, but as they all pile up, they become one big, huge tear right down the middle of the fabric. What's the point of forgiving if you know you'll be hurt again? When you're a little kid, it seems that the world is a perfect place, you whisper secrets in your friends' ears, play Truth with all that care to hear. As we grow up, however, we find out that the secrets we whispered so long ago come back to haunt us. The truths we so happily confided are somehow trailing on our heels. We wonder, how can this be? Then we discover, the friends we believed to be honest, to be our FRIENDS, actually weren't. Could it be that we, as human beings, are made to live a solitary life, keeping all of our secrets inside, trusting no one but ourselves? I can't believe that to be true; there must be one person on this world that we can trust. But from my perspective, it seems that betrayals always come from those you trust the most. Parent-child, friend-friend, sibling-sibling, boyfriend-girlfriend. When we were little, we believed the world to be perfect, like crystal clear lakes shimmering under a setting sun. Soon, our perfect, clear-as-glass lakes were disturbed by pebbles and rocks, tossed in and causing ripples throughout our lives. But these ripples eventually calmed and left us with our picture-perfect scene. Nowadays, it's as if our immaculate lake has become a garbage dump, a landfill full of rubbish and pollutants, stifling our once clear world and turning it into a murky sludge of uncertainty and suspicion. Why have any connections at all if the one you're connecting to doesn't care at all about the bond you cherish? Have all of the friendships we so carefully nourished... not been friendships at all? It comes to the day where we cautiously ask, "Can I trust you?" or when we warn, "Don't tell anyone, ok?" without being able to believe the answer we are provided with. For, if your friend has really never been your friend, then he/she would obviously respond, "Yes." without meaning it at all. What's the point of being born blameless, and without laying blame, if the things that come to pass force us to do so? What's the meaning in being born innocent and pure, if that sincerity will be fogged up by doubt and mistrust? What's the meaning of the word "trust" to everyone? Is it something that's temporary, that you gather secrets for blackmailing? Is it an empty word that you throw around? Or does it mean something more like it does to me? Does it mean the crystalline thread that you have to preserve carefully, tending to it until it shines and glows with the strength of a true relationship? Or have we been so ignorant and foolish as to place our hearts and soul into this tiny strand which would be willingly shattered by people we thought were companions?
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