It's rather amazing how fast my mood can spiral downwards. I sort of feel like a failure right now.

In the End

I really respect people who can keep such a... not exactly carefree, but just a sense of knowing that everything will be okay in life. And they all do well too. I mean, I believe in the same idea, but I definitely find myself stressing and worrying over a lot of things, and being disappointed in the steps. I feel like in a sense, I'm just setting myself up for failure. Every time I misjudged something or made a mistake in high school, I would tell myself that it's okay, and that everything would be okay later on. And it was - I mean, look at where I am. But at the same time, it's hard. It's just so hard for me to accept mistakes, to forgive myself for making them. And most of the time, I don't. I'll think I've moved on, but then they crop up again and again every time I disappoint myself. Even seemingly small things, like an insensitive comment, or having to rush to finish something because I didn't realize the deadline in time. They stay with me and they drag me down. And despite my telling myself everything will be okay in the end, it's hard for me to stop thinking that it could be okay now if I were smarter and made better decisions.

Honestly, I'm rather stressed right now and just want a hug.

Musings at 4:13am

Every day I wake up and tell myself I'm going to write that 500 word blurb for the global sem. And every day I fail to do it. Tomorrow. It's getting done tomorrow. It has to, since I'm leaving for Boston on Friday.

At least I changed my sheets! All nice and new and back to blue polka dots! And I finished The Lucky One and Go Ask Alice. Onto Dragonflight! Probably going to finish it tomorrow and then bring along Between the Lines for some reading on the trip to Boston. =] Or finish that tomorrow too and check out more haha.

Went to the grandparent class pizza party. Pretty awesome. Lots of pizza and cookies. Was interesting talking to the alum there, though there nearly weren't as many as I had hoped. Understandable though. Ah well.

Headed to Forbes after to play Zhaopengyou/80 points. Somehow ended up winning while still being sort of confused as to how to play. Ah well. It was super fun and got heated at times haha. Reminds me of like a bigger, more intense version of Spades.

Walked back in the rain! Funny how different walking in the rain can be when you're happy as opposed to sad. In any case, I wanted to get back and shower, and I figured rain wouldn't matter since I was going to shower anyways. Do have to say everyone looked a bit perplexed/worried/like they thought I was crazy when I just walked out into the rain though. Meh. Again, I don't always make the best life decisions later at night (or early in the morning, depending on your perspective) but it turned out okay.

On the flip side, I have been absolutely horribly unproductive today. Like every day. I really need to get back into the swing of things and start strong second semester. I'm also sort of wide awake right now, which is a slight problem. Ah well. Some music and a few more pages of Dragonflight should help.

Squirrel Hunting

There's been a squirrel chilling in the zee room for the past few days, and Maegan, Rory, and I got it out today! Kept poking its head over the side of the couch, and it ran out the window and literally up the side of the building. Pretty hilarious. It made a nice little bed out of the zebra blanket and paper towels on the red couch too.

Went to Target and Wegmans today. SO MUCH FOOD. Got a nice throw pillow that I can use in the common room and some miscellaneous stuff. Need to return some folder though - they don't work for what I was planning on using them. But so much food! Goldfish, applesauce, fruit cups, pita chips and Pringles... A bit bummed I couldn't find chocolate covered almonds, but ah well.

Got a package from my mom too, with more food! Congee, grass jelly drinks, Asian bread, beef jerky, Werther's soft caramels, rice crackers, green tea, nougat candies... Really she only needed to send a tiny package with some skin care items, but hey, I'm not complaining. Also got a shirt and my guard gloves! Moms are the best. And my food shelf right now makes me ridiculously happy. Plus Rory and I found *more* food outside JStreet today so we just jacked some juice and a box of Clif bars haha.

Went off to send a package and sort of just chilled for the rest of the day. Minus the desquirreling of course. Had some delicious cookies and chamomile tea at Murray Dodge. Actually, I finished Sophie's Choice today. Took a nap and had a rather unsettling dream, probably due to it, as well.

Some weird scenario of being in a WWII ghetto or some sort of confined neighborhood. Had a little apartment with someone's grandma - not mine. Really narrow stairs, and I think I lived in the attic. But there was this bookstore I really liked going to, right next to a library, and I'm pretty sure I did some illegal things smuggling or whatnot. And one officer, who looked strangely like Trap, would always come after me for it, but he was pretty nice and would usually let me off with a warning. But then I stole a book one day, and he came to the apartment, and I had to get the book, but I got sidetracked somehow. Found the book and followed him to the apartment, but passed by Wilcox on the way. Some people were breaking things in there or ransacking the place or something. He went in, I started back to the apartment, and some girl on a bike came by and dropped a package which I somehow just knew was a bomb. Ran towards the house but not fast enough to escape the explosion. I don't even know. It was intense.

In any case though, it's been a really awesome day. Tons of food, lots of chilling, but with enough errands done that I feel mildly productive. =] I guess I'll try to find some internship apps tomorrow and do some laundry. Maybe attempt to learn LaTeX (anyone willing to help me?). Off to Boston to visit Pikatu on Friday and Saturday! =D

I would be lying if I said I knew what was happening, or how, but I'd also be lying if I said it's not amazing.

So. Much. Time.

Intercession is screwing with my mind. The emptiness of our room makes it clear how much time I have, and it almost stresses me out because I know I'll be struggling for time next semester. It's not like I'm going to start on material for next semester though - there's really no point. I've finished a few internship applications, but maybe I should find more. Or learn LaTeX. Or explore InDesign more. Ahhh too much time! And I want to go to Target, but honestly, I'm a little bit wary of going by myself... In any case, our suite is just so empty and people are gone and I don't know what to do with myself.

It absolutely HAS to be a crime to be this happy.

Also I have rediscovered today that when I'm really really happy I just sing randomly.

Do I need you because I need someone, or do I need you because I need you?

Library Cards = Power

Went to the pubic library today with Maegan and checked out too many books, if there is such a thing. Which there isn't. But I got Sophie's Choice! Started reading already. =]

The best thing was the express checkout though. You legitimately place your books on a pad and they some scan all of them. Then you drop your card on the pad and a receipt prints out. Boom, you're done. Maegan and I spent a good amount of time freaking out about it. Technology.

A Dusting of Snow

We had the most beautiful snowfall yesterday. Horrible for making snowballs, but absolutely gorgeous. It's was so amazingly light and fluffy and it glittered so brightly under streetlights. I still can't get over how beautiful it was.

Also I just light walking in snow sometimes. It's just so calming. And I like being able to see my footprints, and the footprints of other people. I'm not sure, it just sort of feels nice to know that people are going places, and that there's a destination, or dare I say point, to our journeys. I also saw a breeze actually pick up the top layer of snow today and just send it swirling around in front of me - it was absolutely amazing.

*****

Watched all 6 episodes of Sherlock yesterday. Win.

Elizabeth jacked me a rifle!!! Super excited - went outside and spun/tossed a bit. A guy actually walked by and thought it was really cool, and asked if I was in ROTC haha. I've missed guard way too much. I'm also insanely out of practice, and have terrible form now. Ah well, it makes me happy.

Had a bit of a bump when my classics grade came out. I really built myself up too much for that - optimism is always nice, but I need to remember to be realistic. In any case, I suppose I'll take it as "balancing out of" my + in orgo haha. I'll gladly take orgo with the plus and a lower classics grade. Well, all of my grades are out. Not the best, but decent I suppose. I'll just get better from here. =]

Chilled with Matt after the marathon and watched ep 5 since they skipped it. Youtube browsed. Mainly vlogbrothers and a bit of Wongfu. It was just super nice. Calming in a way I guess. Comfortable maybe?

In any case, one of the best days/nights I've had in a while.

Tired Tired Tired

But actually. I'm pretty sure I'm getting over this cold, but I've literally just been sleeping the whole day with periods of awakeness. I can't even call them naps because I'm pretty sure they're longer than the periods of consciousness that I've had. Ah well, at least I'll (hopefully) be done with this stupid sore throat and runny nose (but probably not the cough) tomorrow.

Bonding with the roommates. Yay college! =]

Certainly an interesting and entertaining night. Well, I just have to say, you do make insanely close friends in college.

I think I might be a bit delusional right now but I just want someone to come and take care of me and make me some tea and make me laugh even though it hurts my throat.

Edit: Yeah I'm definitely delusional.
I can't stop thinking about what happened.
Edit: I think I have problems right now. I don't understand half the stuff I'm thinking about.
I wish you were here.
Edit: I feel like if I played Truth right now, things would get interesting real fast. Must keep that in check.

Are you trying to hurt me? Because congratulations, you're doing a damn good job.