Why do you write poetry so much?

Why? Because poetry right now, for me, is like a substitute for dramas. I don't have the time to watch a 25 episode drama, so I write poems instead. I think in poems sometimes; I had one of those moments about an hour ago. I can escape life in general when I write poems. I can focus on a specific aspect of my life and I can force the essence out of it until I feel better. If you haven't noticed, a lot of my poetry isn't exactly the happiest ever. Ironic, because looking back at to 6th grade, my poems were so amazingly light-hearted and happy and hopeful. I still have hopeful poems, but those aren't happy per se. And for the most part, my poems are pretty sad. Loneliness. Depression. Abandonment. Pretty wonderful main topics, right? I think it started in 8th grade, but who am I to know. Could have been there earlier.

Why? Because poetry is a way for me to let out emotion. Because I grew up in a family where, if I cried, my parents would yell at me for crying. "Crying isn't going to solve anything! Stop crying!" So, guess where those feelings went? Into my heart. And I kept them there. Sometimes I wrote in journals, but that didn't happen too often. After a while, I perfected the art of silently crying myself to sleep. It comes in handy a lot. I'm losing my touch though, sometimes I need to sob myself to sleep. Not silently.

Why? I feel like I hurt others all too much. Poetry helps me force it into perspective. And I would be lying if I said I never cried while writing my poems. It's rare, since my sadness usually gets channeled into the poem, but it happens. And I tend to write poetry from other people's views too. Sometimes they're my friends (even if they don't know it), sometimes they're just general speakers formed to encompass a specific situation or idea. It helps me realize how damn retarded I am sometimes, and just how much I can hurt people.

Why? Because poetry is there. And because it's a hell of a lot better than crying in a corner or punching walls.

First Parade Show...

Was disappointing. I don't even want to talk about it. -sighs-

Edit: We were, however, one of the prettier/more glamorous guards out there with our cute sparkly uniforms. xD

Edit: And something interesting about parade was the length of time we're left marching before we actually perform. Field was just march on, perform, march off. Parade is march on, march, march, practice run, march, perform, march, percussion line, march off.

First parade show tomorrow! I'm so excited! =D Wish us luck! CHS You Knowwww!!!

When I get to the point at which I just can't handle life anymore, not much helps more than a good book to escape into.

Breaking Point?

See, there's always a point where, in the midst of all my sadness and anger, I become so apathetic, I just think, "You know what? Screw it. I just suck at life, I hurt people, I'm a horrible person, and I won't get any better. I don't care anymore." Then something else happens, I completely break down again, and sob my heart out. Then the cycle repeats. Is there ever a point when apathy actually reigns and nothing can touch your emotions again? Because given the rollercoaster mine have been on today, I sort of want to reach that point...

-coughs-

So I am amazingly sick. Sore throat, runny/stuffy nose, headaches, slight fevers at times. All that jazz. Yay. It's making my life rather miserable, and I hope it goes away by Saturday, because I do not find marching in my first parade show with a cold to be particularly appealing.

So Monday sort of sucked. Three tests and a three-hour long practice after school. Combine that with a very sick Erica, and you get an unhappy Erica. So the tests went okay... Chem was so freaking hard... Bio was okay, and English was amazingly easy, especially compared to the last quiz we had.

Just my luck that we had this ex-Marine coaching us yesterday. He had us screaming "Yes, sir!" and "One, two!" for about an hour and a half. Not exactly the best way to remedy a sore throat. And we did lots and lots of marching. Got a break after about two hours; the band headed in to practice music, and guard stayed outside. And I fainted a few minutes into the break, which sort of sucked. I think the guard started freaking out. Such a different reaction from Elaine than I got from Kelly last year too. Kelly cared and told me to sit out and stuff, but she still wanted me to get back in ASAP, like after the normal break we had. Elaine pretty much freaked out, asked if I need to go home, and goes, "Everyone, let's take a solid 10 minute break." It was amusing and relieving at the same time.

So we changed some work, and then we went in at 6:30. Band went over the practice time by like, an hour though. I don't think Mr. Nielsen (the ex-Marine) realized he'd gone past the time limit (he was really surprised when someone said, "Sir, we have to GO"), but Mr. J definitely knew. I mean, extra practice is always good, but I know that a ton of people in band are hella busy with schoolwork and stuff. We choose to come to practice and pay money to march in this band, and we should be able to do that without living in fear of going over scheduled practice time and not having enough time to finish homework and study for tests. So I sort of felt sorry for the band... I just slept while I waited for Ross. xD

*****

So Mock Trial was pretty chill. We got into groups of our witnesses and just reviewed the witness statement. Nick quizzed me on the fact situation too; we have a quiz on that Thursday.

Mrs. Petrich got really mad at us when we couldn't keep two straight lines and walk at the same pace. She threatened to make us condition on the track, but decided to give us a second chance. We learned a new salutation in Yoga too; some of the poses have the weirdest names. Like seriously, Cow Face? What? xP

The calc quiz was super easy. Not even joking. Eric and I finished homework really early and just hung out with Jung, Zach, and Soomin and talked. I was sitting on the floor because it was closer to them than me actual seat, and leaning against desk legs since I was getting dizzy again. Then Mrs. Dillman comes over and tells me to get back to my seat. I'm not sure if she believed me initially when I said I was done, but then she asked me how early I started to finish the assignment so quickly. I didn't remember so I just provided a time relative to Eric's start time, and went, "About three minutes after Eric did?" And she goes on to talk about how she has two of them this time, since Zach apparently did the same thing last year. xD

History was pretty cool too. We had this observer, Mr. K, who seemed nice enough. I actually knew stuff for the questions he asked today; it was amazing! xD Then we did some more Cult Lits and talked a bit about the exam next class. I hate the word "exam". Like, for a quiz, I think 10-15 questions, not necessarily easy, but not long. "Test" connotates 30-50 ish questions and 5-10 free response. "Exam" is like, 80 questions, about 10 free response, and an essay. xD But ah well...

I went home and checked Schoolloop to see how my grades were. I didn't do TOO badly on chem, but it still brought my grade down 5%. Which is scary. But Mr. Coburn also gave everyone I asked a 10/20 on the scavenger hunt, so I think he made a mistake on that.
History quiz didn't bring my grade down too much... But I did pretty badly on that... xD
The bio test isn't inputted yet; I hope I did okay... =\

Practice tomorrow! Hopefully I won't faint again.

I think I'm getting sick. I can't afford to get sick; I have too much crap going on this week. And I feel so damn weak, it's pissing me off. =[

We NEED To Get It!!!

So in short, I'm pretty confident about my personal show for next Saturday. The guard in general? Not so much. I'm actually sort of pissed at the attitude this year. I don't want to be mean or anything, but the guard in general is NOT working hard enough. We're supposed to set an example for the band, and right now, we're trailing WAY behind them. The season this year has been way easier than previous seasons, partially because it's parade, but mainly because Elaine is so much "nicer" than Kelly and Jhay were, and the newbies don't seem to be motivated to do well. First guard season was always hard, especially before you get the thrill of a performance, but some of them don't even seem like they want to be here... Most of guard isn't even ability per se, but passion and motivation. If you WANT to do well, and you WORK for it, you'll get there. I mean, come on. You have me, who was pretty much the worst on the field frosh year, and now I'm one of five vets, and on the rifle line.

I actually had a flag talk back to me today and tell me I didn't know how hard it was to stop being afraid of the flag. I seriously went, "Are you kidding?" I was absolutely TERRIFIED of the flag freshman year. It's a freaking 6 foot metal pole! But you know what? I got over it in band camp, and decided that I wouldn't let the flag control me. Oh, we know how you feel, rookies. And we know it doesn't take THAT much to decide you want to be better. We NEED you to be better.

We need to have people stop leaving early and arriving late to practice. We need to have people stop oversleeping. We need to have people stop talking during rehearsals, and stop talking back. We need to have people stop slacking off.
We need to have people start being on time. We need to have people start paying attention during practices and start taking corrections. We need to have people find their motivation.

We need to have people start working their butts off for this performance. As Mr. J said, we've been the best guard these past few years, and if we continue at this rate, honestly... We're going to be one of the worst. We need to show the judges that Cal High can march on the field and on the street. We need to work for what we want, but we can't do that is not everyone is ready to crack down and push it. We need to GET IT.

*****

On the other hand, Ellen, Laura, and I went to Little Mad Fish and Yogurtland after practice and got yummy food. =D We did some of those little exercise sections on the way to the park, then we just stopped off at the library. But it was fun. =]

My Arms Are Sore...

Freaking vaccinations. I hate when they tell you, "This one is going to sting," because then you fool yourself into thinking it stings even if it actually wouldn't. And you get all tense and they tell you not to tense up. xD But yeah. Two shots in the left and one in the right. My right arm hurt right after (I THINK it was the HPV one...) then got a bit better, and now my left is KILLING meeee (tetanus and meningococcal, if the right was HPV). So yeah. Apparently I'm 5' 3/4" and weigh 104 lbs 12.8 oz. So my BMI is 19.97. I'm such a fatty. xD I think I got shorter; I swear I was 5' 1 1/2" last year... Blah. Whatever. You'd think at my height, every fraction of an inch matters, but I figure, at my height, I'm still going to be shorter than everyone, so screw that. I got a kitty sticker though!!! =D It made me insanely happy when she asked if I wanted a sticker. =P

*****

Today was pretty awesome though.

Mock Trial was cool as always.

We had a sub in Yoga, and we couldn't get into the cabinet with our mats, so we just did corpse pose (but not really) all class. xD

Calc was pretty basic; we went over homework and stuff. I was talking to Eric and Soomin and Mrs. Dillman apparently said to bring up our finished homework since we were done. At least, I think she said to. I just followed Eric. xP She said she was impressed that I actually did my homework the way I was supposed to. Might be a subtle reference to the "since I'm a troublemaker," but whatever.

Protag meeting was just making posters; I showed up, signed in, and left to go study for history. =]

Speaking of history, I epically failed that quiz: 16/20 ftw... -sighs- My history grade is going off the deep end soon... Blah.

*****

Meanwhile, I have so many tests and so much crap over the weekend... 5 hour practice tomorrow, 3 hour volunteer Sunday. Add it to probably 2-3 hours of piano per day, then my Chinese essay, chem/bio/calc/history tests, English homework/response, and you have a sad Erica... Ah well... -sighs- I'll survive. xD

So yeah. Sad Erica with sore arms is going to bed now. Meaning in like an hour. =P

Wow, Really?

So I was getting one of my friends to quiz me on bio, and her second question was, "What's the fluid mosaic model?" And so I told her, then she started saying some stuff about fluid meaning like the particles aren't set and mosaic meaning they are, so I said that the fluid mosaic model just means that the plasma membrane is made of different proteins (which "make" a mosaic) and the fluid part means that the proteins can move along the phospholipid bilayer.

Then she starts saying some stuff, and finally goes like, "Do you even know what fluid means?" in this sort of condescending tone, so I just said that it meant the proteins can move in the bilayer and aren't set. Then I repeated my answer to her whole question, and showed her the definition of a fluid mosaic model in the glossary, and she got mad and was like, "I can't study with you, do it by yourself." So I asked her why, and she says I'm too mean. Uhm. I'm sorry that knowing the definition of a fluid mosaic model and having the definition confirmed by the glossary almost word-for-word is constituted as being mean.

Then she started complaining that her question wasn't what a fluid mosaic model is, but rather the difference between fluid and mosaic, which definitely wasn't the question. So I told her they don't have much correlation, and that fluid just means it flows, and mosaic means it's made of different parts/proteins. She insists that it has more to do with this "extra research" section in the book that says recently conducted research states that the membrane might be less fluid than originally thought, and "more mosaic." And having re-read that section, I get what she means now, but at the time she was just freaking annoyed at me, she didn't explain anything, so I had pretty much no idea what she was talking about. It still isn't the actua definition of the fluid mosaic model, and they specifically said that the membrane was a "mosaic" composed of different proteins, but it would have helped if she could have TOLD me what the heck she was talking about before getting irritated and saying I'm too mean for her to study with.

Anyways, that was just really stupid and annoying. Ah well, whatever. Just had to rant a bit. xP

*****

On the flip side, since I wasn't getting any bio studying done, I spent the rest of tutorial playing "Bang!" with Brian, Peter, Tommy, Sam, Ross, Sharanth, and Guilio. Pretty fun; I killed Ross the first game, and the outlaws won (yay!), then Ross kills me the second game, which was amazing because he's supposed to protect me (I was the sheriff and he was the deputy). xD So that was fun.

But really, I should have been studying for my Crucible test/quiz, because that thing was ridiculously hard. So there are these character descriptions in the play, which are about a page long each, and he chose a single line from them and asked us who it was referring to. -.- So lame. Then we had quote match-ups, which were harder than you think, if not because it's a play, then because the first act is complete pandemonium. So yeah, that wasn't exactly good.
But Mr. King has the most AMAZING reading voice. So he played Abigail in the scene with John Proctor and read all softly and "coyly" I guess. Then he played Tituba, and had this fake accent. And when we all started laughing, he was like, "What? She's from Barbados!" Then, when he gets to the part where Tituba quote's the Devil, he read the Devil's words in this really deep voice, and the whole class BUSTED out laughing. His reason? "This is my Dark voice!" It was AMAZING.

Bio was pretty standard. We had a quizzie-poo, which was really easy for once. xD Then we finished up the lecture (more cat-torture references), and started talking a bit about another lab we're doing later. And we have a test next class. Joy. =\

*****

Guard sectional went pretty well; I'm excited!!! =D

*****

And now I need to go take some history notes and stuff. Blah.

One and a Half Weeks Until Parade Show!!!

So today was pretty chill. I'm liking my almost no homework week so far. ;D Of course, most of it's because I finish in class, or did it over the weekend and stuff.

We have an ASSAULT case for Mock Trial! I'm excited! Way more awesome than an arson case! We were thinking maybe a burglary, but I'd pick assault over this any time! I'm excited!!!

Yoga was same as ever. We walked around and did Sun Salutation and Corpse pose and stuff. Apparently I got marked off a point on my salutation; I have no idea why. But whatever. I have a 99.8% now! -gasp!- Such a disgrace! xD I had a nice conversation with Larissa and Mrs. Petrich about raccoons though... =P

During brunch, people were talking about the basket story they had to write for Foss. Sounds interesting, but I wouldn't do it unless I had to. xP

Calc was fun. We went over limits! I did my homework in class. =P We got our tests back too, but Mrs. Dillman gave mine back last, because a loser -cough- Zach -cough- told her to do so. -.- And then Jung and Zach told me I left 2 problems blank on my homework, and I seriously had a mini heart attack. It wasn't fun. And Zach made fun of me for drawing my tables with rulers... =[

Lunch was pretty boring. I just ate food. Food is good though. xD

History was pretty boring; people presented Powerpoints and we went over format for DBQs. I can't wait to present our Powerpoint, complete with a slide on Quaker Oats! Aha. =D

*****

Practice was pretty good today, WAY better than Monday in any case. Newbies talk too much still though; we had to tell them at like 5 times to be quiet before they finally shut up. I have a problem with talking too much too, but at least I'll shut my mouth when I'm told too... And a lot of them don't pay enough attention... Ah well, in any case, we're getting better. With the sectional tomorrow, extra practice Saturday, and two practice next week, we SHOULD be decently prepared for the show next Saturday. I'm so excitedddd!!!

Oh, and guard gets band cubbies too!!! So we can put all our guard stuff (shoes, makeup, tights, etc.) in our cubbies and not worry about leaving stuff at home! =D Yay!