I had expected something different. You're stronger than I could ever be.

Pyrite

And as the light filters through pine needles and time,
Glimmering, precious as ocean treasures
Picked up in love,
I feel a heartstring pull
As if a strum, a wandering note
Plucked from the space inside my ribcage
But maybe it was just the idea we'd loved.
The liquid gold of a new horizon,
The crispness of a new life,
But only those.
Not the slicing of shattered glass
In a picture frame thrown in rage,
Of holes cut into walls
By rigid fists,
Of bruises and brokenness.
And maybe it wasn't the life we loved,
But the idea of it.

And years from now,
Will you see me when you look back?

We all live with broken hearts.

Sometimes you can think more clearly after, and that gives you the courage in the next hard time.

My heart hurts and I remember why.

Casualties

You know, I always wondered what the chances were of a rusty nail or screw sticking straight up waiting for you to step on it.

Well, it's not zero, let me tell you that.

I am not obligated to be, nor will I be guilted for not being, your friend.

Lessons Learned

When I was five,
I’d learned right and wrong
I saw myself through the eyes of others
On the brink of discovery,
Imagination, aspiration, achievement.
When I was thirteen,
I’d seen how the rich treated the poor
I knew what happened
When you took people for granted.
When I was eighteen,
I’d been murdered three times:
Once by a harsh look,
Once by a harsh word,
And once by someone who couldn’t have cared less.
Now that I’m twenty-two,
Sometimes I wonder,
What happened at twenty-one?
I learned forgiveness in the hardest of times,
The importance of friendship
To care less and to care more
See the beauty amidst ugliness
Hope for the best
Keep life in mind
Don’t let the world bring you down
And maybe some of the lessons I learned in the past
Were foreshadowings of bigger things to come.

22!

Had a pretty amazing birthday/Memorial Day weekend full of fun and productivity! 

- Arcade + sailing + parties + cake with friends 
- Got an AC unit + office chair + bike
- Got my hair cut! It's so short now but it feels like freedom

Time Flies When You're Struggling to Balance Labwork, Teaching, Classes, Moving...

But no more classes! I already feel like I've got so much more free time haha. In reality, I don't really, but it's the thought that counts?

Have to pack up in the next week or so, that way I've got everything ready to go once I get back from Reunions! (Super excited for Reunions and to see everyone again!)

Summer goals:
- Finally get into a good rhythm/schedule
- Test for my provisional sailing license!
- Learn how to play that ukulele (it's been a long time coming, like 3 years?)
- Get back into bouldering

I feel like I just need to get into a decent rhythm to feel like an actual adult haha. Some modicum of control would be nice, but you know, I'll take what I can get.

A Square Peg

It's one of the earliest things you learn,
To not put a square peg into a round hole.
You know that little matching game where
Each peg has its place
But inevitably at some point
You try to force a peg in.
But what happens when all there is is round holes?
Don't be square.
Carpe diem,
They told me.
But what they really wanted was
For me to carpe the diem in
A specific way
A controlled way.
There are no diems for me to carpe
The way I want, only the way you say.
So maybe one day I'll wish
I had said no,
I don't care,
I will cut that round hole until it's square
I will find a different board to play
But I won't let you mold me into what you want
I won't let you dictate how I seize the day
And I won't let you limit my happiness.

Who do I even talk to anymore?

And never was there such a difference 
Between what I knew and how I felt
Such a confusion about everything I did
Because I like to think that
I know myself and what I can do
And what I can't
But 
Did I ever think about all of the factors
All of the things to sway me one way or another
That I prayed wouldn't happen
But hoped would
Because it never really was just about me
And at the same time, that's all that mattered
So maybe I didn't know too well
And maybe
That's why it happened.

A Week of Struggle

1) Losing a ring which means so much to me
2) Feeling completely inadequate in lab, and getting the pressure put on by my PI
3) Having someone borrow (but more importantly, break pieces of) my (insanely expensive) model kit that I was given as a gift during my first summer internship

It's just so much harder than I want it to be, and every time I think it's okay, I'm reminded that it's not.