Waking Up in a Panic

My morning gives a new (accurate) definition of the phrase. Had an absolutely terrifying dream that my mom withdrew me from Princeton. Basically I went back home for spring break, after having done horribly on my midterms. Woke up one morning and my mom told me she unenrolled me since I was obviously not smart enough to handle the coursework there. Immediately started crying and begging her to let me go back, but she wouldn't let me. I then proceeded to call a few of my friends, who all told me that they weren't allowed to talk to me, and that my mom was shipping me off to a Buddhist university in China. Weirdest thing ever. Cried a ton more and begged tons more. Talked to my dad, who basically told me my mom was right and that he supported the whole Princeton-unenrollment, being shipped to China plan wholeheartedly. Contacted Princeton to be told that since I was now officially unenrolled, they couldn't do anything. I eventually got so desperate I contacted the police, since there seemed to be something criminal about this whole thing, and they told me that since I was still 17, I was still under the jurisdiction/care of my parents and they couldn't do a thing.

I legitimately woke up in the worst state ever. Could barely breathe and was basically gasping and sobbing. Maegan like ran into the room and had to hold me for a bit which helped me calm down a lot. From what she knew and said, I essentially had a panic attack. From a dream. Yeah. I guess maybe we can take it as a sign of how much I love it here? Or just a ridiculously overblown illustration of my fear of being forced to leave here and never actually accomplish anything.

***

Two midterms and an interview. The interview seemed like it went pretty decently - we'll see though. Apparently a decision should be made tomorrow. -stresses-
The midterms... could have gone better. They also could have been worse though. I mean... Yeah. I never know what to think about tests here. So we'll just see for that too.

***

Had a Beyonce/guacamole study break. It was pretty awesome. Belted out Love on Top with Hansen. According to Kathryn, we sounded like strangled cats. Ah well. Then proceeded to pose in ridiculous positions behind Hansen while he ignored me and played Temple Run. Pretty hilarious. =]

I keep thinking tomorrow should be a chill day or a weekend just because it's been such a hectic day today... But nope. Four hours of class and lab. Yay. At least it's mol lab and not orgo lab haha. In any case, keeping my fingers crossed for the interview results tomorrow, and it's going to be a good day!

CHM304 Cheat Sheet

This is like the neatest thing I have ever written, most of which I probably won't use. (Scanner cuts off bits, but you get the point...)

Even if the stars get rough...

Do you ever want to disappear sometimes?

Just be gone for a few days, come back, and not have to worry about people asking where you were, explain what you were doing, having to catch up on work... Just to be at peace with yourself and try to figure out who you are? Be completely isolated from people you know, and have just yourself for company?

I really don't know who I am anymore. Am I the happy girl people tend to befriend, who loves meeting new people and sharing funny stories? What about the one who gets overly stressed when she can't solve a problem? Do I actually like chemistry and school, or are they there just so I can feel like I have a purpose? Do I love talking to people just because, or because I'm afraid of being alone? Do I help others because it makes me feel good about myself, or because it makes me feel like I might be worthwhile? Am I the sarcastic one, or the one who cries when an ill-timed, but well-intentioned joke gets flung her way? Or quite possibly, I'm just a mess, an amalgamation of conflicting feelings and emotions, with no order to the chaos.

I don't know, and I'd really like to find out, but it's not something I can do when I'm always concerned about tomorrow.

I might actually have a mental breakdown at one point during this weekend.

Trophy Time!

For my high school Mock Trial team that is. Super proud of them! SIXTEEN individual awards! So yeah, we didn't beat Miramonte, but everyone was cheering for us anyways. =] Also, they're absolutely amazing and hilarious people - almost all of them have a picture with the trophy as their profile picture right now, haha.

*****

Woke up about six times between 7 and 9:40am (when I had to get up for class), each time feeling really inexplicably panicked and sort of sick. I don't even know - it's probably just nerves for midterms... I really need to do well on these tests, but I don't feel like I know anything. Even in classes I feel I do moderately well in (MOL, COS) I don't/didn't feel prepared at all, and I'm pretty sure the test is just going to kill me. Econ's much harder than I expected it would be - it's less numbers crunching and more concepts. I have no idea how paper midterms work for politics. And don't even get me started on orgo.

On the bright side, there's PEF tonight. =] The meetings always make me feel better.

Recursive Art

Finished my "art" for COS! I'm liking recursion - it's just fun. A little frustrating, but ah well. In any case, this isn't anything like what I actually wanted to do at first, but I still have no idea how to make my original idea work haha. Yay for adapting. (Also sorry for the grainy quality of the picture - I resized with Paint since I didn't want to go through the trouble of actually downloading pictures of the file. =P)

COSMOS Love

Almost the same comment, at the exact same time. Three different time zones - in California, Illinois, New Jersey - but we're so in tune. This totally just made my day. I love these guys. ♥

Did you really believe you could do it? What were you thinking?

I can do this.

For now, on my own. But maybe one day I can believe the way that you do.

Behind These [Brown] Eyes

It's so funny looking back at our "old" texts and messages. Just two days ago. Two days. I definitely messed things up.

I'm happy for you guys. I guess if life were a zero sum game, better you than me; you deserve it infinitely more.

To This Day

Broken Shards and Broken People

It's laughable to think how fast all of this happened. How fast it just went downhill. Maybe it would have hurt less if I felt like I had tried harder to actually do something about it, but I realized the problem much too late for me to do anything about it. I can't even justify trying to get a second chance because you deserve better, especially since I had always thought that from the start. They told me I was lucky. I knew it better than anyone else. No one ever pieces broken shards back together, so why would anyone want to put together a broken person? 

No, I'm not okay. But I'm not worth enough for anyone to try to fix me.