67/365

Scrimmage tomorrow! I'm so excited! I absolutely love Mock Trial. I get how people compare it to Speech and Debate, or MUN, and such, but I think it's just so unique in its own way. It isn't so much an individual task, and while every "academic team" does require communication between members, Mock Trial really needs that extra push towards a cohesive unit. On the other hand, at the same time, you need to have your own individual independent personality; when you're up on the stand, or get objected to, you need to be confident in your skills, and you need to be able to defend yourself and rely on only your own knowledge.

Plus, there's something special about walking up to a classmate and being able to seriously say, "I'll see you in court." =P

Ahhh!!!

Next week is going to SUCK! Calc test (FR and MC for whatever chapter we're on), chem test on electrochem, bio quiz and test on "The Molecular Basis of Inheritance," APUSH quiz on chapters 3 and 4 of DKMAH, a yoga test on a salutation I never reviewed because I consistently pass out in yoga, and English project due... Blah.

Running total: 4 tests (5 technically, since calc has two parts), 2 quizzes, and a project. Great.

On the upside, I'm excited for the APUSH presentation tomorrow and the Mock Trial scrimmage Saturday! Although the APUSH presentation is slightly a bummer too. Meh, whatever.

Another upside, I MIGHT have barely an A- in bio now! Got 105% on the Mendel/Gene test. Mr. White was all like, "How did you do that?" I looked him straight in the eye, and went, "It's math." I wish every test were like that... It would do wonders for my grade...

66/365

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65/365

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There's something about ice cream that makes it too sickeningly sweet for me to eat when I'm sad. I'd be better off with, say, a... steak. Yeah.

64/365

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63/365

This is a rant. If you're annoyed by rants, don't read it.

You complain about school. About family. About relationship problems. Just stop. Everyone is going through the same shit you are, possibly more. So you have a crapload of work from your AP classes. So does everyone else. Your parents keep bugging you about grades and getting on your nerves. At least they don't beat you to the ground for a grade that's been the same for the past month because your teacher hasn't updated it, or scream at you for never studying enough. At least they don't simultaneously expect more of you and tell you that you're going to fail. At least they don't abuse you emotionally and physically, at the same time. If you weren't ready for a relationship, you shouldn't have gotten into one. If your boyfriend is pissing you off, work up the courage and tell him. If you don't see him enough, manage your other priorities well so you can. There's not much you can do about feelings you can't help but feel, so there's nothing I'll say about that.

I don't have a perfect life either. It pisses me off when people say, "But you're Erica!" Yeah, I'm Erica, so what? I'm human too. I have problems too. I feel just as worthless and inadequate as the next person. I cry myself to sleep. I beat myself up for not being good enough. I have just as much school crap, family crap, and relationship crap as you do. I'm just like you, I just hide it better.

I post rants, because sometimes I just need to vent, but you don't hear me talking about all the crap I've gone through. You haven't heard about 5th or 8th grade, summer and fall of 2010, or last Tuesday. You haven't heard me cry at 6:00am out of pure, unadulterated fear. You haven't heard about the REAL reasons the things you asked about are there. You haven't heard the tears behind this mask.

And you never will. Not because we aren't friends, and not because I don't trust you. But because you have your own shitty problems to deal with, and I'm not going to add to those.

But please, just keep that in mind the next time you come crying to me because your parents, who take you shopping and buy you Christmas and birthday presents, hate you. Remember that life will get better, and could be much worse, and that this, despite what you think, isn't the end of the world.

But I'm not saying I won't be here. I'll be here forever, with a shoulder and a smile, and I won't say a word. How can I? You have far too much on your own plate.

62/365

Sometimes, I really want to cry, but I don't. Just for you.

61/365

So tests and homework and annoying parents and annoying people in general... Those all suck. But sometimes I wish that those were the only troubles I had. I don't know how much better I would feel if that were the case...

60/365

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59/365

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58/365

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57/365

Why did I even offer that when I couldn't get over this? I think I was so in denial I tricked myself into thinking I had accepted it...

I can't stop this sinking feeling in my heart...