Nostalgia

In the back of your mind linger memories, of places and people and things you once knew so well. A rose-tinted memory reel of the best of times, but you've changed since then, and so have they. Recapturing that feeling, reliving the past... It's as impossible as changing it. You never thought you'd feel so close and so far away at the same time. At the very least, it's growth you're after.

To give so much of your heart away, and get so little of it back...

Pray for my soul
at the gates of Heaven.

我怎麼這麼傻地等著你?

She had her heart broken
And she broke one too
An eye for an eye
A tooth for a tooth
A story for one of yours
And now that everything's settled
How will this end?

Wordless

You flip aimlessly through poems 
Journals, books,
Filled with thoughts of those
More eloquent than you
Those wondering how the world came to be
Asking God for a person someone like a person
And your own thoughts
Slowly twisting into yarns in your mind
Formless, empty
And who would have thought you could have so much to write you didn't have anything at all?
Because some things could only be felt
By a longing for more
A deep set sadness
And ache left by battle scars of battles no one remembered
Much less cared about
But you, you were the canvas onto which the stories were carved
In criss-crossing lines on the skin of your ancestors
Each mark a story of love, but also pain
And how could you ever find the words to embody that?
And maybe, you thought, maybe a different language would help
Maybe the smooth lilting or staccato tones
Of something not English
Something more right
Some language in which each sound was a story
But do those even exist?
So instead you settle for empty pages in empty books
Filled only with thoughts that have no form
Wordless, languageless,
But full of the things that matter.

Kindness is a code to be lived by.

So many people believe in you. For the days you can't do it for yourself, do it for them.

Encouragement

"The thing about a fire is that it will burn out. A storm will always pass, and a river always finds a shore. You may see nothing but the fire, but God is with you in the midst of it. You may only see the storm that's been raging indefinitely - it feels like maybe this is all there is and all there'll ever be.

But what you've forgotten is that behind the biggest cloud, the wildest storm, the darkest day is a blue sky."

The End of a Day

I don't think of it being a new day until I've woken up from sleeping some indeterminate amount of time vaguely in the middle of the night.

But today, I don't really want to sleep. I don't want tomorrow to come. I do, but at the same time I'm scared. I think that maybe if I stay awake, send a few more messages, call a few more times, I can change the future I'm afraid of. But I know I can't. And time - or our perception of it at least - marches resolutely forward regardless, and maybe I just need that same determination.

You shouldn't have to, nor can you, make someone love you.

If you stay with someone who doesn't value you, eventually your self-worth will be theirs.

Patchwork Hearts

She saw the beauty in pain,
And the growth, and the strength,
And maybe that's why she was drawn to brokenness,
To broken people,
To hastily mended souls and frayed hearts.
Maybe it was because she thought that she could help heal them.
And maybe that's why she spend her time
Her energy
Her willpower
Trying to help fill the cracks,
Peeling off little pieces of her own heart
To patch the holes left by others.
But one day she found
Maybe she tore off too much,
Her own broken heart scarred by amateur stitches
The comforter longing to be comforted,
But the world looked,
And saw a girl too broken to be repaired
Who loved too much to be loved
And there she stood
With her patchwork heart,
Torn apart by love
And left alone.

"Don't diminish your accomplishments."

Half-Asleep Ruminations

I always get my best writing ideas when I'm drifting off... And then I promptly forget what they were when I wake up, just that I had them.

Peace

And in her right mind, she realized how little she needed anyone else. And maybe, how little she wanted anyone else.

Fervor

I remember when I first found God I procrastinated on problem sets and projects and just sat for hours reading the Bible. I want that excitement again. God, renew my heart.

Focus

I came across something in my devotionals yesterday that struck me pretty hard.

"Based on what you believe God wants you to want, what discipline do you need to start doing to head toward where God wants you to go? Choose one thing. You'll be tempted to pick three, four, or even ten, but don't. Whatever you do, pick just one thing."

I thought about this and laughed, because literally the day before I had listed three things I wanted to do. I don't know if I completely agree with picking just one, but I do get that when you have divided attention, nothing gets the attention it deserves. And in a way, I see it in my life (I'm writing this post at work, for one... oops?). But there are a lot of things I want to improve, and a lot of ways they tie to each other. I've never been good at giving my full attention to one single thing for an extended period of time, but maybe I can take it day-by-day.

But regardless, every day, I choose God.

Timing

It's such human nature to insist that the timing was wrong. A missed job opportunity, a broken relationship... Even if "everything" was right, it was just the timing that was off. Especially with relationships. People, myself included, will say that the love is there, and everything seemingly lines up, but... We weren't ready for a relationship. We had unresolved issues. We needed to work on ourselves before we could work together.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But we'll insist that because of that, the timing is wrong. We'll think longingly, "If only we had met in the future..." (Or, sometimes, in the past.) But it's not true. The timing wasn't off. It was just God's timing, and not yours. We would have chosen it such that the relationship would work, such that we would get the job or the internship or the vacation. But God chooses the timing such that we grow. He chose the timing so we would realize maybe this career path isn't what we want to do after all. He chose the timing so we would realize all of the ways this relationship was broken, or maybe more specifically, all of the ways we are broken. He chose the timing not for our hopes and plans to fail, but for His to succeed.

We tell ourselves the timing is wrong because that implies that maybe sometime in the future, the timing will be right. But it always is right. "Sometime in the future" means different situations, different people, different perspectives. We're not the same now as we were before, and the timing never had anything to do with that. He just had different plans. We think of timing being wrong when relationships don't work out because we see it as a failure - somehow we weren't good enough, we didn't try hard enough. Why else would two people who love each other not be able to be together? But the truth is, God places people in our lives to help us grow, and to support us in that growth. And that's all a relationship ever is, ever will be, and ever should be. Growth in faith, and growth as an individual. And sometimes, even with all the love and support and wanting to make it work... Sometimes our partners in growth are temporary. Sometimes God places them in our lives just to show us what there is we need to work on, to expose the darkness in us. Sometimes the people we love aren't meant to stay with us forever, just point us in the right direction.

The timing is never wrong. It's God's plan. It's just hard sometimes.

Soul-Searching

I forgot why I used to write here so often. Recently it's felt like I haven't had time. But it's always been therapeutic for me, putting thoughts into words. Thinking that maybe, somewhere out there, people are reading them and maybe that the words are helping them. I miss it. And so now here I am.

It's been a while since I've really written, and I'm thankful to God for reminding me how good it is to write, even if the path there was one of the hardest I've had so far. It's been a really rough few weeks. Emotionally, it's been damaging and painful, and I've had so many flashbacks to times when I was just enveloped in darkness and couldn't see a way out. It's been hard, and I've been hurting.

But I'm here, and I'm trying to make it better, and I'm going to write more as part of that. People always say you need to be alone to soul-search, but what you really need is God. And if what you need is God, you can do that alone or with others. I fluctuate a lot between feeling at peace and feeling miserably lonely. And being willfully apart from you doesn't help much. But it will in the long run, and I have faith that God will bring me through this stronger than before. So here's to a renewal of my journey, and a new honesty to myself, and to you, if anyone's reading this.

You get to a certain point at which your feelings finally align with what your brain has been telling you, and you realize maybe you need help.

Just Not

Sometimes I think maybe it was foolish 
Because you loved me so well, 
Why would I ever forget 
Or give that up? 
But I remember 
Loving well doesn't mean loving right 
And I was never good for you 
Not good enough, just not good 
And I've always thought it would be easier than this 
But perhaps 
I'm just likable enough 
To not be lovable at all.

I can't help but just think of how stupid I am for all of this.

#labfails

Apparently when I'm sick and not focusing, trying to take NMR samples means putting multiple samples in the same NMR tube. Woops.

All I've ever wanted is to know more.

Is this a difference of time or of interest? Of personality?

And I really do miss you, but...

In a way it's liberating

But at the same time, I've never hated my emotions more.

I wonder...

Maybe I was too hasty,
Maybe I was scared
Because you knew me better than
Anyone else, and better than
I thought you did.
And I really do just need time
To work on myself
But I miss you being here.

More than I should.

Sometimes I just want someone to see the happy me, and say, "It's okay to be sad."

Group projects don't end after school. Show grace when needed, and forgive more than you want.

It's on days like today that I think, maybe I can do this after all.

Patience

I've found recently that I have very little patience for people who ask questions when the answer is easily findable on your own.

What do I do about that?

My body is at work, my mind is on vacation, and my heart is off in the mountains by a cliffside.

There's such a heaviness in my heart that I can't explain...

A Sprinkle of Sadness

Because pure joy doesn't come from worldly accolades, or from having friends, or from pieces of paper attesting to your worth. 

I wonder how other people see me sometimes. Sometimes it helps to realize how much I've been given, and how little I deserve. At the same time, I sometimes wish things were different.

And I often wonder how many times it took passing you before we met.

Half-Coherent Thoughts

I remember when you left I cried at the airport, in the terminal, on my own plane ride home. I thought about you every other second of the day and made notes of what I would tell you that night. I spent days waiting for your response sometimes.

I don't cry over "see you later"s anymore. I don't spend my waking moments thinking about someone else's life. But I still wait, and wonder, and hope.

Someone please tell me how I got myself here.

Edit: Someone please tell me why God brought me here.

The Things That Break You

What is it about a storm that fells trees but only sways the grass? Maybe it says something about human nature that we look up to the oaks as a measure of wisdom and strength. 

I always thought that if you let it, the world would break you.

Don't mistake care for love, or the idea for the person.

At what point did you realize you had gone too far to turn back?

Steps

The spaces in a 
Brick-laid path; ripped out, not art
But pain and longing.

I had expected something different. You're stronger than I could ever be.

Pyrite

And as the light filters through pine needles and time,
Glimmering, precious as ocean treasures
Picked up in love,
I feel a heartstring pull
As if a strum, a wandering note
Plucked from the space inside my ribcage
But maybe it was just the idea we'd loved.
The liquid gold of a new horizon,
The crispness of a new life,
But only those.
Not the slicing of shattered glass
In a picture frame thrown in rage,
Of holes cut into walls
By rigid fists,
Of bruises and brokenness.
And maybe it wasn't the life we loved,
But the idea of it.

And years from now,
Will you see me when you look back?

We all live with broken hearts.

Sometimes you can think more clearly after, and that gives you the courage in the next hard time.

My heart hurts and I remember why.

Casualties

You know, I always wondered what the chances were of a rusty nail or screw sticking straight up waiting for you to step on it.

Well, it's not zero, let me tell you that.

I am not obligated to be, nor will I be guilted for not being, your friend.

Lessons Learned

When I was five,
I’d learned right and wrong
I saw myself through the eyes of others
On the brink of discovery,
Imagination, aspiration, achievement.
When I was thirteen,
I’d seen how the rich treated the poor
I knew what happened
When you took people for granted.
When I was eighteen,
I’d been murdered three times:
Once by a harsh look,
Once by a harsh word,
And once by someone who couldn’t have cared less.
Now that I’m twenty-two,
Sometimes I wonder,
What happened at twenty-one?
I learned forgiveness in the hardest of times,
The importance of friendship
To care less and to care more
See the beauty amidst ugliness
Hope for the best
Keep life in mind
Don’t let the world bring you down
And maybe some of the lessons I learned in the past
Were foreshadowings of bigger things to come.

22!

Had a pretty amazing birthday/Memorial Day weekend full of fun and productivity! 

- Arcade + sailing + parties + cake with friends 
- Got an AC unit + office chair + bike
- Got my hair cut! It's so short now but it feels like freedom

Time Flies When You're Struggling to Balance Labwork, Teaching, Classes, Moving...

But no more classes! I already feel like I've got so much more free time haha. In reality, I don't really, but it's the thought that counts?

Have to pack up in the next week or so, that way I've got everything ready to go once I get back from Reunions! (Super excited for Reunions and to see everyone again!)

Summer goals:
- Finally get into a good rhythm/schedule
- Test for my provisional sailing license!
- Learn how to play that ukulele (it's been a long time coming, like 3 years?)
- Get back into bouldering

I feel like I just need to get into a decent rhythm to feel like an actual adult haha. Some modicum of control would be nice, but you know, I'll take what I can get.

A Square Peg

It's one of the earliest things you learn,
To not put a square peg into a round hole.
You know that little matching game where
Each peg has its place
But inevitably at some point
You try to force a peg in.
But what happens when all there is is round holes?
Don't be square.
Carpe diem,
They told me.
But what they really wanted was
For me to carpe the diem in
A specific way
A controlled way.
There are no diems for me to carpe
The way I want, only the way you say.
So maybe one day I'll wish
I had said no,
I don't care,
I will cut that round hole until it's square
I will find a different board to play
But I won't let you mold me into what you want
I won't let you dictate how I seize the day
And I won't let you limit my happiness.

Who do I even talk to anymore?

And never was there such a difference 
Between what I knew and how I felt
Such a confusion about everything I did
Because I like to think that
I know myself and what I can do
And what I can't
But 
Did I ever think about all of the factors
All of the things to sway me one way or another
That I prayed wouldn't happen
But hoped would
Because it never really was just about me
And at the same time, that's all that mattered
So maybe I didn't know too well
And maybe
That's why it happened.

A Week of Struggle

1) Losing a ring which means so much to me
2) Feeling completely inadequate in lab, and getting the pressure put on by my PI
3) Having someone borrow (but more importantly, break pieces of) my (insanely expensive) model kit that I was given as a gift during my first summer internship

It's just so much harder than I want it to be, and every time I think it's okay, I'm reminded that it's not.

And does it take 77 times to soften a hardened heart?

Jhameel ❤

Still ridiculously in awe of the fact that I got to meet and listen to this guy live! Been following his music since 2 1/2 years ago and it's gotten me through quite a few late nights studying.

People have overcome worse better.

You told me the world wasn't ending.

And sure, I concede that, but -some- people's are. You have faith in the system. I do too. But I can't put my whole faith in a system which allowed this to happen in the first place, even if it does allow for it to be fixed. 

What is the price of being called a terrorist?

Sometimes I wonder what, or who, changed you.

Acceptance

Isn't it interesting how contentment and resignation are both tied together by a common feeling of acceptance?

I have never before been so happy to get a C.

Life is a funny little thing with a funny sense of humor.

Ideals Over Realities

Do you ever get the feeling that ideals are better than realities? Not in the, duh that's why they're ideal, way but in the sense that even if you achieved the ideal you had in mind, you wouldn't really enjoy it? Not because of something you hadn't forseen really, but because of a pure incompatibility. 

Maybe it's not always that we want what we can't have, but just that we no longer want it when we have it. That is, we never really wanted it, just the idea of it.

Snippets

Every once in a while 
I think back to that conversation we had 
And wish 
I had paid a little more attention 
Maybe saved it 
Because now the words we said 
Fade into time
And nothing seems clear anymore 
I remember I was happy 
And I remember feeling blessed 

But 

There's a reason it's gone 
Isn't there?

Do you really miss these? Do you miss me?

The tattoos I want: 2. We'll see if I even get one.

Contentment

Are there things I would change about my life given the chance? Sure. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Yes. Are there people I wish I still talked to? Of course. 

Am I stressed about a whole assortment of things? Undoubtedly. 

But I’m happy with my life, where I am, with the people in it. I am.

I Remember...

You told me I'd get sick of you before you got sick of me. So why don't we talk anymore?

Was I right? Or did you think I got sick of you?

Momentum

Isn't it interesting how
Momentum
Takes us so far,
So far from where we start
Isn't it interesting how
Once we get that push
We can keep rolling towards
Infinity
Keep moving forward
Keep telling ourselves
This is worth it
This is meant to be
This is why we're here
This is what I want
Isn't it interesting how
Momentum
Keeps us going
When maybe we just
Want to stop
Isn't it interesting how
Momentum
Brought us here,
Took us so far,
So far from
Where we want to be

---

On a side note, I figured out how to use the Momentum Chrome extension backgrounds as my desktop background, which is super awesome because these backgrounds are legit and make me happy.

I'm backkkk

It's good to be back in lab, even if I am super unaccustomed to it, and don't know where anything is, and perpetually tired...

Hello 2017.