On Kindness and Insecurity

People think I'm a nice person. A relatively nice person. At least, I think they do.

But I don't really know if that's true. I think a lot of what I do just comes from insecurity in... well, myself. Am I nice to people? Maybe, but also maybe only because I value myself less than I value others. I'm not really kidding when I say the only thing I'm good at is being mean to people. It's the only thing I actually accept I'm good at. Well, not really mean. Just sarcastic. But maybe they're the same thing.

It's not a humility thing; it really isn't. It's a low self-esteem thing. It's a, no matter how much I'd like to believe I'm good at something, or people tell me I'm good at something, I don't really register it on a deep level. It's a logical vs. emotional thing. I cry when my parents tell me they're proud of me.

I'd take the pain for others' happiness, not because I'm "nice" or "strong," but because their happiness is worth more. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be worth more to the world dead than alive. In some situations at least. Saving someone's life maybe. Because their life is worth more than mine, not because I'm "heroic" or "brave." I mean, I always thought it would be okay if I were gone, because she'd still be there. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. But it wouldn't work the other way around. I know it wouldn't.

But I don't want to be another statistic. You know, when people say someone had so much going for them, how could this ever happen, just another case of too much pressure or people not seeing below the surface, or effortless perfection. Because maybe it's a bit of those things, but it's also none of those things really. It's just insecurity.

Do I play into this whole effortless perfection thing? Or not perfection, but at least okay-ness? People seem to think I'm good at things. Or do well at things. I don't really. Do well at things, I mean. Or I don't think I do. But for some reason what I say and do are in conflict when other people look at them. They're not for me. Maybe I'm just too used to feeling like everything should be fine that everything seems fine even when I actively try not to make it seem that way.

Is it a worth thing? Both worth something because of Him and worth nothing because of myself?

Did I really turn out okay? Great, even? For all those years people told me I would do wonderful things... Were they right? Or were they horribly, horribly wrong? Can we tell?

What was the point of this? I don't know really.