It's been almost three weeks since my last post! Lots of craziness with prepping for Scotland, packing, and finals, not to mention getting horribly sick during finals. But junior year has come to an end - crazy to think I'm 3/4 of the way through with my Princeton experience (and only a couple months away from grad school applications and senior year!).
But the end of the year has brought lots of moving boxes, debauchery at Reunions, God's grace with grades among everything else, and now commencement activities for the Class of 2015! A huge congrats to all of my friends graduating from Princeton in two (!) days - you guys have been such role models, sources of advice, and wonderful friends. An especially huge congrats to my absolutely lovely roommate Christie Elford for being such a boss! =]
T-2 days until Commencement.
T-3 days until Scotland.
What makes me afraid isn't that people won't care, or won't want to help. It's that it only lasts so long. How long before they just get tired? Tired of having to worry, to care, to ask, to help?
How many times is a sorry only said once, and assumed to suffice?
Nevermind.
There's so much going on that I can't even begin to describe it or know where to start. Just layers upon layers of thoughts and problems and happiness over frustration over 4 years of something that I guess never let go.
I find myself very often in the situation of feeling inferior to nearly all people while also being frustrated at how superficial people seem sometimes.
I feel like I'm changing in ways that... aren't bad really, but aren't... right.
Happiness shouldn't always be pursued. It's a lesson I've yet to completely figure out.
People think I'm a nice person. A relatively nice person. At least, I think they do.
But I don't really know if that's true. I think a lot of what I do just comes from insecurity in... well, myself. Am I nice to people? Maybe, but also maybe only because I value myself less than I value others. I'm not really kidding when I say the only thing I'm good at is being mean to people. It's the only thing I actually accept I'm good at. Well, not really mean. Just sarcastic. But maybe they're the same thing.
It's not a humility thing; it really isn't. It's a low self-esteem thing. It's a, no matter how much I'd like to believe I'm good at something, or people tell me I'm good at something, I don't really register it on a deep level. It's a logical vs. emotional thing. I cry when my parents tell me they're proud of me.
I'd take the pain for others' happiness, not because I'm "nice" or "strong," but because their happiness is worth more. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be worth more to the world dead than alive. In some situations at least. Saving someone's life maybe. Because their life is worth more than mine, not because I'm "heroic" or "brave." I mean, I always thought it would be okay if I were gone, because she'd still be there. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. But it wouldn't work the other way around. I know it wouldn't.
But I don't want to be another statistic. You know, when people say someone had so much going for them, how could this ever happen, just another case of too much pressure or people not seeing below the surface, or effortless perfection. Because maybe it's a bit of those things, but it's also none of those things really. It's just insecurity.
Do I play into this whole effortless perfection thing? Or not perfection, but at least okay-ness? People seem to think I'm good at things. Or do well at things. I don't really. Do well at things, I mean. Or I don't think I do. But for some reason what I say and do are in conflict when other people look at them. They're not for me. Maybe I'm just too used to feeling like everything should be fine that everything seems fine even when I actively try not to make it seem that way.
Is it a worth thing? Both worth something because of Him and worth nothing because of myself?
Did I really turn out okay? Great, even? For all those years people told me I would do wonderful things... Were they right? Or were they horribly, horribly wrong? Can we tell?
What was the point of this? I don't know really.
They will destroy everything good that you know, hurt everyone you love, and rip you to pieces from the inside out.
Don't let it happen.
He didn't make you to let you destroy yourself.
This pool of self-pity is never a good place to be, but neither is the burn of self-hatred as a result of this self-pity.
Why is it that the only big problems I have seem to involve people I'd rather not see again, but can't get away from?
Sleep for too long, and think about all the things you've done, are doing, and probably will do wrong in your life.
I get angry sometimes for little to no reason.
I cry all too much.
It's hard for me to find motivation to do things that I should.
I judge people for things that are wrong in myself.
It's hard for me to forgive you.
The extent to which I'm insecure is laughable.
I'm too concerned with my own life to really worry and care about other people's.
I take you for granted.
The list goes on. It was never in the plan.
But I'm trying, can't you see I'm trying?
A little mishmash of photos for you all =]
