Until I Break

My late night anxiety has led to some serious reflecting on my life. And I've come to some disturbing realizations. This might not even be an accurate portrait - it could simply be influenced by my panicked state of mind. It could just be the result of a scared, stressed teenager, staying up too late, nervous to start her first year at college. But regardless, there might be a grain of truth in here, and it would do me good to remember it.

I've always been one to test my boundaries. I've always tried to challenge myself. Despite not wanting to fail, I drove myself to the edge of failure, and that's how I succeed. That's how I've gotten this far.

I've spent my life with my parents expecting everything from me. With friends always seeing me as the smart one. Which teachers telling me I'm a delight to have in class. With yearbook messages of "You'll go far" and "Remember me when you're famous!" and "I know you can achieve anything you set your mind to." I've lived my life constantly reminded that I can do great things. I've lived afraid of failure. In a sick form of compensation, I put myself in situations in which failure would be acceptable. I strove to achieve great things, to do more than the average person. I drove myself to the cliff, all but jumped off, and miraculously flew. Again and again I did this. I never thought much about it, but perhaps it's just second nature now. Maybe I've so deluded myself I don't even realize my fallacies.

But now I've come to thinking, what if it doesn't work anymore? I've constantly pushed myself to my limits, to the point at which they break, or I do. But I've done this so often, as a second nature, I doubt whether I actually know my limits. I'll spend hours beyond what's necessary to create something that is beyond what's expected, because that's the only way I can be proud of myself. I'm never content with doing less than I feel I can do. But because life has gone so well for me in the past, maybe I've grossly misjudged my limits. Maybe I think I'm capable of more than I can handle. On the other hand, I don't want to expect any less of myself, to stop challenging myself just to fulfill my sense of safety. I want to continue my pattern of breaking boundaries.

But this is college. It's Princeton. It's not a place where I can expect to be at the top. It's not a place where I can push myself and, in a sense, "know" everything will be okay. This is a place where excellence is the norm. Where limits are tested and broken every day, by everyone. But ironically, I fear that this will be the place where, instead of my limits, it will be me that breaks.