Laundry, Cards, and Breaking the Rules

I need to learn to do laundry... Sort colors and all that jazz... I suppose I'll shove all of my dark jeans together in with my solid dark clothes? But sorting actual colors seems like a waste of time. I guess I'll have to actually read the cleaning tags on each item...

I think I'm just going to like, wash everything with cold water, and tumble dry everything that can be tumble dried on the low setting. I'm lazy, don't want to have to worry about high settings shrinking my jeans, etc. Yeah, screw the tags that say "Wash with hot" and "Tumble dry high." If it can handle those settings, it can handle lower ones. They might be slightly damp when they get out, but whatever.

I'm really tempted to ignore all of those "No Tumble Dry" warnings and shove everything in the dryer... But the possibility of me having to get a drying rack is getting bigger though. I really don't want to ruin my clothes. (I'm a poor college student, I've spent enough money on new ones!)

I was also sorting out my wallet - I have way too many cards. Getting a new wallet too. I suppose I'll just have a credit/debit card, a few frequent buyer cards, a Clipper card (for when I come back!) and my prox card... And any gift cards for stores in the area. Ah well.

College is such a hassle...

Just Do It

I got two pair of Nikes today from the outlet by Nordstrom Rack. Totaled to a little less than $100 - pretty decent for Nikes at least. One black pair and one grey with black/turquoise accents. They're super comfortable and look pretty nice and they make me happy. =]

But I was thinking about stuffwhen I was getting them. Running shoes right? I'm not a runner, but I think I might try to jog a bit in college. I just hope that my motivation will be running towards something, and not away from anything...

Memories and First Impressions

In an attempt to turn my insomnia into something nicer, I've decided that I'm going to write about a memory and a first impression for anyone who'd like one. Comment here or like my status on Facebook. =] You'll get it in your inbox.*

*While supplies last, aka while I'm in San Ramon, aka up through Wednesday.

Prepping for Princeton

Went on a $150 shopping spree with the Fro today. =] It was pretty awesome. Went into stores that I can't afford just for the hell of it. Same reason for trying on sparkly gold jeans and a bright red lacy top (no, I didn't buy either). Got a few scarves, some jeans, a cardigan, a wrap, and a shirt! Pretty happy, but feeling a bit guilty about the price tag attached. Ah well, I'm allowed to splurge a bit, right?

Almost forgot the Fro's birthday present at home, haha. Would have been bad... But I got it, and he loved it, so all is good!

*****

On another more sobering note, my parents keep telling me to take it easy first semester. Basically, they're afraid I'm going to fail my classes since they're admittedly rather intense. But my mom actually said that Princeton isn't like high school, that people there will all be smarter than me. Not in those words, but the meaning carried over. It just about made me cry. Thanks for the ego boost Mom. I really needed that right now, when I can't even sleep at night.

I'm sick of this self-doubt, this destructive stress. Half the time I don't even know why I'm scared. Just let me sleep. Please.

Until I Break

My late night anxiety has led to some serious reflecting on my life. And I've come to some disturbing realizations. This might not even be an accurate portrait - it could simply be influenced by my panicked state of mind. It could just be the result of a scared, stressed teenager, staying up too late, nervous to start her first year at college. But regardless, there might be a grain of truth in here, and it would do me good to remember it.

I've always been one to test my boundaries. I've always tried to challenge myself. Despite not wanting to fail, I drove myself to the edge of failure, and that's how I succeed. That's how I've gotten this far.

I've spent my life with my parents expecting everything from me. With friends always seeing me as the smart one. Which teachers telling me I'm a delight to have in class. With yearbook messages of "You'll go far" and "Remember me when you're famous!" and "I know you can achieve anything you set your mind to." I've lived my life constantly reminded that I can do great things. I've lived afraid of failure. In a sick form of compensation, I put myself in situations in which failure would be acceptable. I strove to achieve great things, to do more than the average person. I drove myself to the cliff, all but jumped off, and miraculously flew. Again and again I did this. I never thought much about it, but perhaps it's just second nature now. Maybe I've so deluded myself I don't even realize my fallacies.

But now I've come to thinking, what if it doesn't work anymore? I've constantly pushed myself to my limits, to the point at which they break, or I do. But I've done this so often, as a second nature, I doubt whether I actually know my limits. I'll spend hours beyond what's necessary to create something that is beyond what's expected, because that's the only way I can be proud of myself. I'm never content with doing less than I feel I can do. But because life has gone so well for me in the past, maybe I've grossly misjudged my limits. Maybe I think I'm capable of more than I can handle. On the other hand, I don't want to expect any less of myself, to stop challenging myself just to fulfill my sense of safety. I want to continue my pattern of breaking boundaries.

But this is college. It's Princeton. It's not a place where I can expect to be at the top. It's not a place where I can push myself and, in a sense, "know" everything will be okay. This is a place where excellence is the norm. Where limits are tested and broken every day, by everyone. But ironically, I fear that this will be the place where, instead of my limits, it will be me that breaks.

Tentative Fall Schedule

CHM 303 - Organic Chemistry I
MAT 201 - Multivariable Calculus
COS 126 - General Computer Science
CLA 212 - Classical Mythology
But by tentative, I mean that CLA 212 might be substituted by any other humanities course that I find interesting and not insanely hard. And COS 126 might be replaced by a writing seminar (specific one to be decided, but "Food Matters" looks interesting) if my term change is approved. Oh, and I picked random times for my precepts and labs.

Settling to the Bottom

I'm scared. I'm legitimately scared. I've been reading my orgo textbook, and I understand only the major concepts. I completely don't understand most of the structures, and the ones I do, I barely comprehend.

I've always been at the top. I've been good at most of the things I do. Top in my class, top in the school. Involved in tons of activities and handling them fine. A role model, someone people go to for help and advice for everything. Curve-setting, straight-A student. I came to terms with the fact I won't be the best at Princeton. That I knew before I applied. I know I'm considered average at Princeton. But now there's the very real possibility that I won't just not be at the top, I'll be at the bottom. Who am I to compete with these star athletes, Intel/Siemens winners, national champions of this and that? Do I belong here? I really love Princeton and I'm absolutely overjoyed at having got in and being able to go, but am I worthy of it? Someone apparently thought so, but on what did he base his decision?

Can I survive there?

And the memories ride the wind to a place far away...

It seems too late to be worrying, but I really don't want to leave. I love this place so much I'm about to cry. I love the trees in our backyard, the overgrown path down to the golf course. The gate in our fence with its rusted chain. The side yard littered with recyclable bottles and our garage filled with hidden treasures from my childhood. I love the pond in the golf course, with the ducks I used to feed every week when I was little. I love the shops of downtown Danville, Hacienda Plaza and Ulferts in Dublin. I love going bowling and watching movies with my friends, if only because we couldn't think of anything better to do. I love San Ramon, despite its lack of social hangouts.

I want to go back to Cal High, play Scrabble with Mrs. Dillman, get life lessons from Mr. Hight, listen to Mr. White's ever-interesting life stories. I want to go on frantic drives to Chipotle during lunch break to make it back for fifth period. I want to chill at Yogurtland and go biking on the Iron Horse Trail. I want my evening Colorguard practices, my Mock Trial scrimmages, my Friday night Chinese school runs.

I'm not ready to leave this town of memories, of twelve years of growing up. Of highs and lows, from the playground to chilling at Round Table playing Publish or Perish. I'm not ready to take on the real world - or at least, be a step closer to it. I want to stay with my friends, the ones I've known for years, to sit in utter silence and find it comforting. I want this familiarity. I want this safety.

But I'm excited for Princeton. For that air of perpetual nerdiness. That intellectual vitality, that love of learning. I'm ready to embrace four years of being a Tiger, of strolling down Nassau, studying at Firestone. I'm ready for the snow and the castles. I'm ready for karaoke nights and card games and Bent Spoon.

I'm scared, and I'm sad, but I'm ready. And when I look around and see the black and orange, embracing my life as a Tiger, I'll remember my past as a Grizzly.

Strong and confident. Not fearless, but brave enough to get over her fear.

Not Your Stereotypical Girl

But then again, no girl is. And I can't help but think if life would be more fun with "girl nights" - sleepovers, chick flicks, chocolate, pillow fights... Gossiping about guys and laughing about stupid things. Hanging at the mall and just spending a ton of money. I don't know. I feel like that's really not me - I'd rather play pool than shop - but sometimes I feel like it would be fun.

Late Nights and Tea

I spend most of my nights now downstairs, playing random card games on the internet with random people, crime TV playing in the background, cuddled up with a fuzzy blanket and a hot cup of green tea. I stay here from a little before midnight to 3am. There's something calming about utter anonymity on the web, with a list of moderated phrases you can use, like "Good job" and "Thanks partner." Something comforting about hot tea, no matter the weather. Even the screams and blood on the screen in front of me are soothing in a way.

Everything's familiar. It's the house I've lived in for the past 12 years. It's pretty much all I remember, except a walk-in closet where I lived in Richmond. I've watched movies on this TV for the last 7 years. I've sat in this couch for the last five.

It keeps me calm. It keeps me sane. It keeps me from thinking about real life and everything that seems so overwhelming but shouldn't be. It keep me from thinking about everything I'll have to worry about in college, about leaving my friends, about stress and pressure and expectations. It keeps me from thinking about and missing you.

I Wish...

I wish I knew you better. Over ten years together and I feel like I don't know enough about you. Respect for what you want to do in life - I never realized you were going through so much. I'll be here if you ever need help or just want to talk. I want to help you to your dream. I want to help you prove yourself. But I don't want to lose you. Please be safe, you get hurt so much already...

Comfortable

Am I comfortable in my skin? I'd say I'm getting there. I'm fine seeing someone I barely know (ie. my sister's college friend) in athletic shorts, a big T-shirt, and glasses. My hair all messed up, my eyes still peeling at the corners from that stupid makeup, shoving food in my mouth like no other and yelling answers to Jeopardy.

But I'd be lying if I said I don't prefer to wear contacts. If I don't want to look like those stereotypical New Yorkers, effortlessly chic and confident. If I don't try on jeans that are slightly too small and wish I could actually fit in them without those awkward bulges at the hips. But with all these flaws, I don't think I'll ever be the one constantly in high heels and makeup. Am I comfortable in my skin? I suppose, but instead of being comfortable, I want to be happy. All the time.

Bettering Myself

College is a new chapter right? I'm not going to become a new me, but like every chapter in a book, I'm going to bring something new to the table. Something better, something that draws people in. I'm going to wrap up loose ends and create the best story I can. I will be graceful under pressure, handle everything I can and then some. I'm going to break down walls and build bridges. If you'd be so good enough to join me for the ride, to read this story, then I'll try my best not to disappoint. I'll trust you with my secrets and hope you'll keep them for me. From now on, I hope you won't see that girl in high school you thought was perfect. You'll see the real me, very much flawed, and love me for that. And as I write my new story, I hope you'll stay with me. This will be an autobiography open to edits. With your help, I'll make myself a better person.

With Band Camp Comes the Burn

The sunburn that is. Yours truly apparently sucks at putting on sunscreen, because yours truly is left frantically applying aloe vera in a (probably fruitless) attempt to keep her shoulders from peeling. Aloe vera is amazing btw.

I got to feel super special today. Kyle gave me his iPad so I could look at the director's view of the drill! Super awesome. =] "You don't even go here!" seemed to be a pretty popular line today too... After I was singled out for doing the 27 Points of Space exercise well, after marching, after Kyle told us we had to run two laps... Ah well. Must enjoy band camp while I can.

Will probably stay mostly in the shade tomorrow though... My shoulders hurt.

They're Here! (The Pictures That Is)

Band Camp!

It feels so weird knowing that I can really leave whenever I want and not suffer any consequences. xD Twenty guardies this year - pretty good, considering the band is tiny...

My legs hurt. Kyle and his exercises... I got to be a really bad example of our warmups! =P I also sat out of some across the floors, then Jhay showed up and yelled "Cheater!" at me...

Can't wait until they start learning drill, aha. It's going to be so much fun watching them!

Getting Ready for the Outdoors!

Bought my hiking boots today! Needed kid's boots because my feet were too small, aha. Still have a little bit of shopping to do, but I'm pretty much done! Super excited for OA!

"The Last Supper"

According to Mr. J at least. Went to Round Table with Ross, Peter, Toria, Tommy, Sam, Giulio, and Brian to gorge on pizza and play Publish or Perish. It was pretty awesome getting everyone together again. =]

Went to Tommy's house afterward and continued the card games with some Mafia and Hearts. And then some more PP.

I'm going to miss these gatherings so much...

Free Ice Cream + Waving at BART Cameras

Went to SF with Courtney, Robyn, and Bhumika today! It was pretty awesome, though we pretty much just walked around and ate food the whole time...

Browsed some street vendors - those caricature/sketch artists are insanely talented - and walked along the pier for a bit. Ate at this nice cafe place, where I totally didn't finish my lunch. I have a small stomach, what can I say.

Visited a candy store (Robyn's favorite place) and walked around a bit more.

Back to Ghirardelli Square and ordered some ice cream cones! The place was insanely busy, so we were just waiting at the counter watching the servers making orders. So one guy made a sundae thing, called a name, and this dad and son went up to get it. Then they were like, "Oh, we have one more," so the server made another sundae, but they meant they have another item, not the same thing. So he's standing there looking sort of sheepish, and I'm just watching the whole thing because I found it rather amusing. Then the guy looks around, looks at me, and mouths, "Hey, you want this?" So yep, free ice cream!

Oh this random guy also passed us on our way in to Marshall's, and was like, "Hey girls, how are you?" It was the most random thing ever.

The BART back was super crowded (rush hour), so that was fun. Then the crowd cleared out, and we were just standing around talking (still no seats), and randomly Bhumika was like, "Hey are those cameras?" and points at this camera at the top of the train. Robyn and I look at it at the same time, and both start waving. It was pretty amusing.

All in all, a pretty fun day.

MY Great Eight

Whereas Phelps does the Olympics, I do AP testing.

AP English Literature and Composition - 5
AP English Language and Composition - 5
AP Calculus BC - 5
AP Environmental Science - 5
AP Psychology - 5
AP US Government and Politics - 5
AP Microeconomics - 5
AP Macroeconomics - 5

Eight 5s! Insane, right? I couldn't believe it...

Back in America!

And cold weather! It was about 61 degrees when we landed, so I'd say like 20-30 degrees cooler than Taiwan? =P Anyways, this summer has been super fun; lots of traveling and shopping and sight-seeing. Still have one month! Spending it with all of my friends before I head off to college. =]

Tang Hu Lu! (The Tomato Ones Are Delish)

Professional Pictures!

Took a photoshoot today akin to the one I did in seventh grade. =P Four outfits this time. A lot less makeup and more natural hair too, so that was nice. I have still come to the conclusion that I never want to get into the habit of wearing makeup though... In any case, I won't have the pictures until August 15th, but I think a few of them turned out really well. =]