Well Crap

I apparently have a lot more to do this week than I thought. Must write it all down so I don't forget.

Thursday - Study for lit/APES, do lit irony thing, finish up (hopefully) Columbia.

Friday - Chinese test, psych notes

Cute, yet miserably sad...

Thanks Guys =]

My friends can always cheer me up, even when they don't know I'm down. I love you guys forever. Thanks for always being there, even without knowing it.

As for you, I'll get over it. I WAS over it until you decided to bring it up again for your own good. Sure, you listed me understanding as a reason for the conversation, but when you're pretty much just going to tell me what you've already said, with more venom, and emphasize that you don't want to talk to you again, forgive me if I don't see my understanding as a main motive. I hope you got your closure and comfort. You don't hate me, you don't dislike me, yet you can't stand being around me, seeing me makes you feel sick, and I make you miserable. Wow. I feel sorry for you when you do find someone you hate. But you know what? Hate me. Do it. I'll make myself not care. You're the one who can't get over it, who can't accept what happened, and who doesn't want to listen to another perspective and a different explanation. I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt, if I said I didn't cry, if I said I didn't care. But I'll make myself not care. I'll make myself forget about you, move on, and live a good life regardless. I'll make myself go back to that place of tolerance and coexistence, even if you can't. If it was all a lie, it shouldn't be that hard for you to look at me. If you can't resolve your own conflicted mind, I sure as hell don't want to even TRY to help you anymore after that. Did it never occur to you that maybe I only talked to you to see how you were doing? Oh, of course not, because my voice makes you physically sick. I guess this whole thing sounded a bit bitter, and I'm sorry for that. I won't hold a grudge - it's not my thing. I'll stop talking to you since that's what you want. Well, I hope you're able to get over this. Live a good life. I mean that, truly.

Caught Up on Break

Wow, I've been super busy, I haven't even posted! Anyways, break's been awesome.

Thursday was pretty chill. I finished my APES lab during the day and just lounged around for the rest. My sister made yummy food for dinner! Stuffed portobello mushrooms, glazed squash, buttered garbanzo and string beans, garlic mashed potatoes with bacon bits, crab cakes, and of course the traditional turkey from Costco. xD

Black Friday shopping with the fam and Clarie! Separately, but whatever. Went to Walmart and Target at like midnight-ish to look for some deals. Line at Walmart was WAY too long, so we didn't bother, but we got some pajamas and random crap at Target. xD Got home around 2:30am.
Headed out again at 5:00am (after an hour of sleep) to go shopping with Clarie. Went to a TON of places - Big Lots, Marshall's, DSW, Half Price Books, Michael's, Kohl's, Old Navy, dpshoes, the mall. Crazy. It was super fun though! Didn't get too much, but whatever. Got home at like 3 - it was ridiculous.
Finished watching National Treasure while we ate Thanksgiving leftovers and pretty much just completely died on the couch. =P

Went to the Great Mall for MORE shopping on Saturday. Ugh. Got dragged places. Found a shirt at H&M that was pretty cute, so got that. And a pretzel - yum. Otherwise, spent like 2 hours in a Coach store getting weird looks because I was totally wearing sweats. =P
Brandon canceled on me because he didn't finish his homework, shame shame. So Ross and I just hung out and watched a movie at his house. Butterfly Effect. I jumped a few times and he told me to relax. xD It was actually a really good movie. He tried to get Dark Knight to play after, but it wouldn't, so we watched some random YouTube videos, gave up on a game of Minesweeper, and yeah. It was pretty awesome. =]
Jess took us to Forbe's Mill for dinner to commemorate her getting a job/paycheck. That place is pretty fancy - ambient lighting and fancy waiters and everything. Also felt out of place in my sweats. -shrugs- Their steak is absolutely delicious though. Yum.

Anyways, I don't have much to do today, considering I finished my homework (I actually felt lost after having it done, because I usually procrastinate like crazy), and have no idea how to do college essays. I SHOULD be doing college essays... Oh well. I'll probably work on them a bit later. Plus I need to play piano again. We're going to Petsmart later for cat adoptions, since Dusky ran away... We'll see.

College Essays

Can actually be pretty fun when your topics are as random as mine are. You have the standard essays on Colorguard and COSMOS, then a semi-standard one on optimism, then this motley assortment of ones on handshakes, being short, and pillow decorating. Aw yeah.

Edit - I lied. After 5.5 hours, college essays suck no matter how awesome your topics are.

Insanely Fast Break

It's halfway over already... o.o At least I have pigging out tomorrow, Black Friday shopping, and possibly hanging out with Fro and Ross Saturday. =] Plus I'm mostly done with homework - just that annoying APES lab left. Ah well. It's college essays that I'm screwed for... -sighs-

I love lazing around. Summer makes me want to be outside and with friends, winter makes me want to dress in all things fuzzy and curl up in a blanket and sleep. Which is basically what I've been doing. xD

New little thing for Thanksgiving - I'm texting people. You'll see.

Oh the Freedom

It's crazy. I can tell my mom I'm going out for a walk five minutes before I do, and she'll just be like, "Okay, when are you getting back?" I keep expecting her to tell me no every time I ask her if I can do anything, but she never does. I guess there are perks to growing up (or older, rather).

Anyways, had an awesome morning/early afternoon with Melanie and Clarie! Winter-themed photoshoot (Clarie's idea), Yogurtland+Target after, Taco Bell and Walgreen's! I got King (lion Beanie Boo) and we saw Mr. Waddles's Christmas-themed cousin! =] It was pretty awesome.

So yeah, freedom's pretty awesome. Lot more responsibility too, but it's a pretty worthwhile tradeoff. xD

It's really pretty at the top of our hill. =]

It's the end of the street for me. CHS Guard, carry on the legacy! =]

It's been an absolutely amazing four years as a part of the CHS Colorguard. I've made friends to last a lifetime and had an experience I'll forever cherish. I was so uncertain when I joined as a freshman, and now, I can't even picture what high school would have been like if I hadn't joined. It's so hard to imagine life without guard. And not even just guard, but the other people I've worked with, the instructors, the shows.

I laugh to think about how young and ignorant I was as a freshman, but even then, I knew I wanted to keep with colorguard. I joined because I wasn't continuing with band, and for the possibility of PE credits. The PE credit possibility was slashed and my parents tried to discourage me from continuing with guard because of the time commitment, but I knew there was something special there. I can't imagine what would have happened if I hadn't continued with this program. Through the sweat, the pain, the tears and the frustration, this has been beyond words. I can still remember when I couldn't spin a flag correctly, and this season, I helped others learn. I remember being so apprehensive and nervous about having to learn to spin rifle as a sophomore, and now, I feel most in touch with rifle. Just looking back through the years, I wouldn't change anything. Not the weeks of band camp, not being yelled at by instructors, not even messing up during shows. They aren't the grandest of things, but they're what made me strive to be better. I don't regret having switched to parade - despite my preference for field and how much I miss it, I won't give up the experience I've had for something that may have been.

It's been an amazing personal journey from an uncertain freshman struggling to keep up with everyone else, to a confident senior leader and captain eager to help others have a passion for guard. It's been stunning. I've had such a great experience. It's not about the scores or the trophies... It's about the bonds I've formed - the sisters I've made in guard and the friends in band.

I can't imagine having shared this journey with a better group of people. Mr. Johnson, Jhay, Kyle, Kelly, Jessie, Elaine, Chloe, and Edric - thank you all so much for the encouragement and instruction throughout these years. Abbie - you are without a doubt the best drum major ever. Ashlee, Melanie, Ellen, Laura, and Toria - I couldn't have asked for better captains or co-captains. Courtney, Vaishu, Ross, Peter, and Giulio - it's been an amazing freshman to senior journey with you at my side. The people I've worked with, cried with, learned with, performed with, and won awards with... You guys are unlike any other and I'll remember every single one of you.

Mask of Zorro, Thrill Ride, Purple Pageant, and Arromanches. Two years of field show and two of parade. I hold back tears every time I look through pictures, every time I watch videos of shows, even when I just see my rifle gloves lying on the couch. There's this chasm in my heart every time I think about my journey with the CHS Marching Band and Colorguard being over. Thanks for making this last season one to remember.

Underclassmen - stick with marching band/guard. It's completely worth the work. No matter how hard this past season may have seemed, stick with it. It's an experience that can't be understood by anyone who hasn't gone through it, and one you'll never forget. And once you're a senior, you can look back and be absolutely amazed at how far you've come.

When people refer to high school being the best part of your life, they must be referring to experiences like these. Forever and always, CHS You Know!

Last Competition - Fairfield 11/19/11

1st place Class C Auxiliary
2nd place Class C Band

*****
Last competition ever... I actually had to keep myself from crying - I'm just going to miss this so much... I really want to thank the band and guard for making my last season one to remember. I've met a ton of awesome people throughout this experience and wish you guys the best of luck in the future! Colorguard's been such a big part of my high school life - I almost feel a hole in my heart already just by knowing that it's done. It's just been such a great time these four years spinning with the team, learning and working together, growing and getting better... I really love this - I can't even describe it in words. And despite how hard practices were and how frustrating some of the work was at times, I'll miss every aspect of guard. I'll miss the hot days of band camp, the sweat after a good run of PT, the bruises and the cuts... It's really amazing to see how far the seniors have come from being confused freshman to capable and confident leaders. I'm the only senior who has done guard for all four years, but I don't feel any less a part of this group. We've grown up and fostered this passion for four years, and that's a bond that will forever tie us together.

Seniors got those boutonnieres like every year, and having one was special yet saddening. Didn't perform with it on though, just because I was afraid the dancework would shake it off. It was just a crazy feeling knowing that this was my last show ever... It was a great performance from band and guard, and you guys will always be #1 in my heart!


*****
Hung out with Toria, Peter, Ross, Giulio, Tony, and John during lunch. Watched a few more of the parade bands - Toria and I got Jhay to wave back at us, after which I made a "YES!" motion with my hand and made him laugh. It was awesome. xD Walked over the Carl's Jr, got some food, and sat and playing Publish or Perish/Bang! for like 3 hours. It was pretty awesome, and for the most part, just a great way to celebrate the culmination of four years of hard work in this program. I spent the whole day without crying and now I feel myself tearing up - it's just finally sinking in that it's the end. Even if I do find the time to do Winterguard, or guard in the future, it'll never be the same...

Abbie, Toria, and I made up awesome salutes for awards. Just saying. Original, Wand, Dolphin, Mushroom, Lawnmower... Oh, I love you guys. =]

Clarie, Ross, Giulio, and I went over to Laura's after we got back and ate cake and watched movies. It was an awesome way to end the day.

*****
This is a day I'll forever remember. I'll always cherish the memories I've formed as a member of the CHS Colorguard. The feelings right now can't be explained in words; the whole journey has been amazing and just a great experience.



CHS YOU KNOW!

Seniors ♥

I love these people; I'll miss all of you so much when we head off to college! Courtney's facepalm is also epic - "Why do I talk to these people...?"

Dusky, wherever you are, I hope you're happy and safe and loved... I miss you!

First Interview!

I think it went well. It wasn't awkward or anything, and my interviewer was super nice. =] We had a pretty nice talk, in my opinion. Got to talk about Colorguard, Mock Trial, DECA, etc. so that was cool. He's the CEO of his own company right now, which is impressive. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes and hope for the best!



*****
Calc FRQ wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but I definitely screwed up one of the problems. I had no freaking idea how to do it; it was depressing because I definitely should have figured it out. Why does insight for calc always come AFTER the test? Bleurgh. Oh well.

Edit: I'm a retard and the FRQ was horrible. x.x

Calculus BC makes me want to shoot myself

The Cold Shoulder

It's super frustrating when someone is mad at you and won't tell you why. They just ignore you. How am I supposed to make it better if I have no clue what I did wrong? They won't even talk to you, so you might as well not even try... Just sit and hope that they realize completely ignoring someone probably isn't going to make anything better unless they're trying to get rid of them...

Napa Competition 11/12/11

3rd place Auxiliary Class 2A
2nd place Band Class 2A
3rd place Drum Major Military Overall

No Shame #2

A bit more light-hearted this time. =]

I'm not going to lie - I still have a little spot in my heart where I wish I could be an actress. It just seems like so much fun!

No Shame

I've always said I've learned to not care what others think, and only live according to my own expectations. It's not entirely true, but it's close enough to be the truth. But sadly, this means that every time I fail, I've disappointed myself. I've let myself down and made myself think I'm worthless.

You'd never really know, but I definitely went through a period of depression. I'm not really even sure why - I think I was just overwhelmed and feeling like I wasn't good enough. I tried to kill myself by taking pills, and when I woke up the next morning, it almost made me sad that I couldn't even accomplish that. Now, I'm glad it didn't work for whatever reasons, but at the time, it was just another add-on to the list, and the saddest one of all. This girl is such a failure, she can't even kill herself. I also went through a period of cutting, which was sad not only because it's cutting, but because I'm scared shitless of blades. I never really drew blood - I only cut deep enough for a red line to show, but the cuts never really bled. And I can be glad for that in the same way I am for my failed suicide - you can't see the scars unless you know what you're looking for, and you really try. I punched walls because the pain was, in a way, satisfying. I've had to wash my walls because there were faint but noticeable red smears right above my headboard. And similarly, I can be glad because my knuckles always healed with no scarring.

I'm fine now, but every time I fail a test or just don't live up to my expectations, some remnant of those feelings rush back. It's just a sense of feeling like I'm helpless and hopeless. That's the problem with only having your expectations matter. Regardless of what people say, regardless of whether they think you're amazing and brilliant and talented and smart, it barely ever changes your own view of yourself. When I'm feeling like a failure and someone compliments me, I feel grateful for their kindness, but I don't feel like any less of a failure. I could stand in a room, feeling completely worthless, then get complimented by all of the people I know, and I'd still feel worthless afterward. I won't lie, I'll feel better, but it's not going to change to a point at which I actually feel good. And I guess it just goes to show that when people tell me I have low self-esteem for thinking I'm not really good at anything, I think to myself, "I'm just being realistic."

I actually feel worse when others have high expectations of me. When people use "But you're Erica!" as an excuse, I don't get upset because they expect that much of me, I get upset because I don't. I never feel like I can do better than everyone on anything. The general public maybe, because I will acknowledge that I learn faster than some, but a great majority? No way. I can think about things logically and know that I have one of the highest, if not the highest, weighted GPA for my class, but I can't think of myself as being in the top 1%.

And I have thought about dying in recent times, but I've never acted on it. And I won't, because I know that despite what I think about myself, there must be a reason others keep telling me the same things. At least, that's what I tell myself, but sometimes when I'm really down, I do wonder... I guess I can be glad that even when I'm really upset, I'm logical. I can be bawling my eyes out or absolutely furious, but at the same time, I'll be asking myself, "Does this really matter? Why are you doing this?" So I knew I was depressed when I was. I know when I'm being unreasonable. The hard part isn't acknowledging it; it's acting based on what the logical, and not emotional, part of me knows. But I think that's what saves me. My sadness is serious, but short. I tend to not dwell on things. They come up repeatedly, but I recover quickly. I've hidden my true feelings from my friends, and sometimes at school, but not as often as one might think. I don't get hung up from something that happened a few days ago, having to hide it for a week, simply because I can rebound quickly enough to not have to.

I guess what I'm trying to really say is that despite my happy-go-lucky and outgoing personality, I'm actually not always that carefree.

Celebrate the Holidays a Bit Early

I don't even really drink coffee, but I haven't had a Peppermint Mocha (Frappuccino) in a long time... And all of these sound pretty delish. xD

I Sincerely Hope This Was a Joke...

I was looking through some of my old documents on my laptop, since I need to wipe the memory and restore the whole thing (stupid virus), and I came across THIS from Addison's class (figures). I'm PRETTY sure it was a joke, but considering it was from that class, I don't really know...

Dating Game - Christien
What three words would you use to describe me?
I love you.

How much do you love me?
I love you... a lot.

If you could wish for one thing, what would you wish for?
I would wish for you to love me.

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, who would it be, and what would you talk about?
You. We would talk about my love for you.

Could you write a short poem about me?
You are very beautiful.
When I don't see you, I miss you.
I wish I could see you all the time.
I love you... a lot.

The Winter Chill Makes Me Lazy

More so than I already am, which is impressive. I really just want to curl up on the couch with warm tea or hot chocolate, a good book, my phone, and my kitty. Read, sleep, lounge around, and do absolutely nothing. -yawns-

*****
Econ was funny - Eric and I got super bored in class so I attempted to help him draw a hand making an "OK" sign for his anime girl. I failed completely, so we ended up tracing our hands making the sign, and he proceeded to use mine as a reference. =P The funny thing is, while I was turned around tracing my hand, Mr. DeVries was like, "Erica, what are you doing?" I tell him I'm tracing my hand, and he just goes, "Oh. Okay."

Gov was semi-interesting. We got to laugh at how ridiculous some of the presidential candidates' stances on like, national security and stuff were. Cain, I believe, totally said something along the lines of, "Let each community decide whether they support the establishment of mosques in their society." It was like, "Wtf?" But supremely funny...

I also completely didn't study for psych. Ross apparently lost his psych book so I felt sorry for him and lent him mine --> me not having a psych book to read. xD I just had Courtney and semi-Ross/Simion quiz me. The test seemed ridiculously easy though...
We watch Bourne Identity afterward, and I totally called a line before it was said - I've never watched the movie before. So Bourne was like, "How could I forget you?" And I whispered jokingly to Courtney and Robyn, "You're the only person I know!" (Background for those of you as deprived as I am, the dude has retrograde amnesia.) Then Bourne says it in the movie and I completely flip out. It was pretty awesome actually... xD

*****
This was definitely one of the hardest practices I had. I mean, I did fine, but I just felt so TIRED the whole time... No energy at all... -sniffles- Ah well...

Electric Blankets are Heaven ♥

On a semi-related note, I totally chilled in bed for pretty much all of today. Other than getting food and some reading material, I legitimately did not get out of bed until 7pm. Then I crammed APES, gov notes, and econ. xD I'm glad I did most of my homework yesterday... I'll study for psych tomorrow in tutorial. No regrets. =P

Mini Milkshakes

Cute, though I'd rather just decorate a big version.
I'd have to drink like 5 of these mini ones... =P

Crazy...

I didn't know high school guys actually like, bought $200 necklaces for their girlfriends or got tattoos of the girl's name on their arm... I don't even know what to say right now. I'm stuck between pure disbelief and "What the hell are you, retarded?"

*****
On another note, I am rather sick of these stupid little status posts about broken hearts and guys that are jerks. You're in high school. A broken heart is possible, I get it, but having it broken and mended like 15 times in a week is NOT even close. Guys can be jerks. So can girls. Sometimes guys are only jerks because girls are. Trust me, I know. Get over it. -end rant-

Lodi Comp 11/5/11

Rough day today, definitely. The morning was fine, Ross was a bit late picking me up, but we weren't late getting there and everyone was all set to roll. It was FREEZING though, no joke. I couldn't feel my hands... We got to the school and changed in the locker room - warmth ftw! And the bathrooms were nicer in the lockers than the actual bathrooms, from what I heard.

The warmup was rough. All of our hands were freezing. Laura, of all people, dropped a toss and forgot work a few times. The actual comp was a bit rough around the edges too, but not bad overall. It was one of those days where everything seemed... not real. Like, it wasn't good, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't there. It probably had something to do with it being an add-in comp. Oh well.

We still did pretty well though - band got first in division, Abbie was third overall, and guard was 4th overall. We're getting better! Two more comps!

*****
Upside - I finished my UC app today! Yay! Now time to write like 15 more essays for all the privates... -sighs- College apps are difficult...

Heart-Shaped Dolphin Bubble Rings ♥

Click here for more awesome (and cute!) animal pictures =]

Oh Life...

Mock Trial was chill as always. I worked on my cross. Yay.

Econ was busy. The powerpoint was super long today, it made me sad. Oh well. Missed two on my econ test, but got 100% on the homework! xD

Gov was pretty awesome. Ms. Klein put tiny bonuses on the bottoms of the pages and she was like, "Make sure you answer everything on the test. Just... make sure you do it." People STILL missed them though... Dan and I are complete bosses at Jenga too. We haven't won a game per se, but we can totally pull out blocks and stack them super fast. Our tower tends to lean when we build it though...

Psych was pretty boring. Memory review then off to the library for some research. -shrugs-

Guard sectional = basics + workout. My abs are still sort of sore, but it was super fun. xD

*****

I'm super nervous for college apps... I have so many essays I need to write and perfect in the next two months... Just thinking about them makes me want to cry... I guess I'll have to take it one school at a time and hope I finish everything...

*****

Best lit study question (courtesy of me) - Who was Lancelot's son, and who was the mother of his son, and who was the father of the mother of his son?

Awesome Ants

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