Soul-Searching

I forgot why I used to write here so often. Recently it's felt like I haven't had time. But it's always been therapeutic for me, putting thoughts into words. Thinking that maybe, somewhere out there, people are reading them and maybe that the words are helping them. I miss it. And so now here I am.

It's been a while since I've really written, and I'm thankful to God for reminding me how good it is to write, even if the path there was one of the hardest I've had so far. It's been a really rough few weeks. Emotionally, it's been damaging and painful, and I've had so many flashbacks to times when I was just enveloped in darkness and couldn't see a way out. It's been hard, and I've been hurting.

But I'm here, and I'm trying to make it better, and I'm going to write more as part of that. People always say you need to be alone to soul-search, but what you really need is God. And if what you need is God, you can do that alone or with others. I fluctuate a lot between feeling at peace and feeling miserably lonely. And being willfully apart from you doesn't help much. But it will in the long run, and I have faith that God will bring me through this stronger than before. So here's to a renewal of my journey, and a new honesty to myself, and to you, if anyone's reading this.

You get to a certain point at which your feelings finally align with what your brain has been telling you, and you realize maybe you need help.

Just Not

Sometimes I think maybe it was foolish 
Because you loved me so well, 
Why would I ever forget 
Or give that up? 
But I remember 
Loving well doesn't mean loving right 
And I was never good for you 
Not good enough, just not good 
And I've always thought it would be easier than this 
But perhaps 
I'm just likable enough 
To not be lovable at all.

I can't help but just think of how stupid I am for all of this.

#labfails

Apparently when I'm sick and not focusing, trying to take NMR samples means putting multiple samples in the same NMR tube. Woops.

All I've ever wanted is to know more.

Is this a difference of time or of interest? Of personality?

And I really do miss you, but...

In a way it's liberating

But at the same time, I've never hated my emotions more.

I wonder...

Maybe I was too hasty,
Maybe I was scared
Because you knew me better than
Anyone else, and better than
I thought you did.
And I really do just need time
To work on myself
But I miss you being here.

More than I should.

Sometimes I just want someone to see the happy me, and say, "It's okay to be sad."

Group projects don't end after school. Show grace when needed, and forgive more than you want.

It's on days like today that I think, maybe I can do this after all.

Patience

I've found recently that I have very little patience for people who ask questions when the answer is easily findable on your own.

What do I do about that?

My body is at work, my mind is on vacation, and my heart is off in the mountains by a cliffside.

There's such a heaviness in my heart that I can't explain...