Look Up

Take a breath. A deep one. Now another. What did you want out of life? You're here. Look around you. There's so much beauty, so much worth. But where did that joy go? Throw back a cover, flip open a box. You don't want to become another statistic. You're stronger than that. You have the strength of your ancestors, the determination of your parents, the love of so, so many.

You put in the time. All those years, all that work. And it will keep going, but don't get swept up. There are more worthy things in life than the constant struggle. See the beauty, in the small things, in others, in yourself. See the beauty in yourself.

It will be okay.

Wash Yaself

I'm so amazingly blessed with being able to perform with a great group of dancers, make new friends, and just have a hype time this weekend. Beyond all, I'm blessed with a group of wonderful friends who, despite really only knowing one another for a few months, is tight-knit and comes to support me at my shows! Feeling absolutely loved today.

Blood is thicker than water.

You know, somewhere out there, someone legitimately has blood that came from me. I wonder if I've managed to save any lives yet?

I do find you quite incredibly annoying, but I can't pinpoint why.

I might be forgiving, but I'm not stupid.

My dignity took a backseat to my fear.

Maybe my loneliness is just a factor of a lacking in my relationship with God. Because I love you all, I really do, but I shouldn't miss you as much and feel as alone as I do. I just want to be better, to better myself in so many ways. But maybe what I really need to do is just let Him better me.

You're not that important. You're incredibly special to me, but it shouldn't matter this much.

Don't think of yourself too highly.

Everyone's special.

I just want to be a better person.

I need some shorter-term goals.

Some things stick.

And recently, it's been an intense, persistent wondering about why I'm here, and whether I should be. Not in an impostor syndrome-y way (there's that too), but just... wondering.

Today was wonderful. It was much needed.

America (Rambling Thoughts)

I am so, so exhausted. I'm so tired and deeply sad. America is so filled with sorrow and hatred, and my heart aches at the pain in the world right now. California and Princeton and Massachusetts have all "shielded" me from the intolerance that only seems to spread as the days go on.

I want to believe bigotry and racism and sexism and xenophobia are not the norm. I believe they aren't. Yet it's so hard to see so many instances of them, so, so many more in such a short span than I ever thought would happen. We have managed to go from our first African-American president to one who has regularly expressed hateful, inflammatory, dangerous views of those different from himself.

And speaking of differences, we all live in massive echo chambers. I live in a massive, blue with streaks of well-educated, upper-middle-class red echo chamber. Why is listening so hard? I want more than anything to understand. I want to talk to those who have different views, to smash down these walls, but I'm also so tired. I've never wanted to be involved in politics, and I realize now how naive it was of me to think I could be involved socially and not politically.

How do we move forward?

I've got laundry thrown on chairs. My desk is a mess of papers, unwashed dishes, snacks, trash... That's when I know it's bad.

The world is hurting.

It's time to be there for one another. Regardless of it all, we're all in this together. The divide is strong, deep, and personal, but this country is ours. It may not be the one we want, and it may not have perfect citizens, but America is my country. It is (likely) your country, and it is our country.

There is work to be done. To listen, to understand, and to move forward.

Time to prepare for a rough four years...