Sometimes you accept that you want things you can’t have, and that might not exist at all

Rumblings of the mind tracks

I sit here, and I reminisce about the first time I was here. A different person, with a different person. 

And I wonder, what made me so afraid? There's a part of me that yearns for the connection, the community. But that nagging whisper in my head repeats that phrase I used to hate so passionately - "Guard your heart." From the pains of the world, the pains of other people, the pains self-inflicted and unforeseen. But I wanted, and I want, to experience fully, with trust, with abandon. I want to admire the flowers and not think about them wilting, to bathe in daylight and not think about dusk. I hated to think about living life guarded, like some treasure others had to pay to see, to break in to experience. But whatever happened to my lack of inhibition that raised this glass case? One as clear as a calm lake on a calm day, easily shattered with the lightest of touches. 

My heart is so full of other people's experiences but it scares me to think theirs might be full of mine. My brokenness and my breaking. I want to be the wind that bends, but never the gust that breaks. A tousle of the hair, a welcome ray of sun on a cold day, a dancing leaf in the golden glow of an afternoon. Fleeting and forgotten, gone with the whisper of time. A gentleness, a tenderness, so deeply at odds with the force I tend to be and how much, how too much, I am. Perhaps the panes are to protect others from the pain of me. 

It's so hard to verbalize these feelings, but perhaps that's what makes us human. Just feeling, and knowing that others do too.

Perhaps the only thing worth living for is a love worth dying for

courtesy of Michael L

What a blessing it is to feel life this fully

And a part of me worries if and when this will all come crashing down, or if I'm setting myself up to be broken. But I'm trying not to let the unknown fears of tomorrow dispel the already ephemereal joys of today, so I'll do my best to hold onto these fleeting moments

I honestly don't know where this all came from or what it all means, but I feel surprisingly safe with you

My heart aches for times in the past and friends who have carved their own paths in the world. But today will be that day for a time in the future, and we’ll look upon it with the same fondness and grace as we do our former selves

We’re all just doing our best

So give that stranger on the train a smile

Wave at the kid across the street

Compliment a friend

It's everyone's first time living, and we're all in it together

It's so thrilling to be excited about life

It's been so long that I've been able to just look forward to things without an overhang of dread, and I can't even articulate how liberating everything feels. There's still a lot for me to work on, and some days are still rough, but it's getting better, and I can tell it's getting better.

I am completely done dealing with other people’s inability to be honest with themselves and communicate clearly

Life is tiring and beautiful

I had a moment last week when I realized I truly felt happy. No caveats, no anxiety, no worries bringing me down. Just actual, pure joy, untainted. And it was so humbling to think that it had been so long since I had felt that at peace.

I spent so long thinking about who I was, who I wanted to be, that I forgot how to actually be who I am. There are so many things I want to do, so many ways I want to grow, and somehow in the past few years it all slipped by me. I hadn't realized I was going through the motions of life and forgetting to live.

So let this be my promise to God and to myself: I'll live the way I was intended for, in worship, in love, and in joy. I'm sure I'll have moments of failure and of fear, but I'll strive to be myself, and to grow into myself, and to stop letting myself and others hold me back.

I'm going to love more deeply, feel more authentically, reconnect with hobbies and people I loved, experience new things, cry loudly, embrace the world.

Life is tiring, but life is beautiful. Thanks be to God

And on some days, I remember I'm loved

And what a beautiful thing it is, to be a beloved child of God

To be able to see the beauty in the everyday

The sun shining on the what used to feel like a cold world

To see the winks and hear the whispers

And remember that you're here

You're home

You are

And that's enough

I’m starting to think the best thing you could have done for me was leaving

It’s been a painful journey, but I’m determined to come out stronger, and I’ve experienced happiness I had forgotten was possible

I’ve never so acutely felt the gravity of “lasts”

At least I have a poor memory so fewer of these threads can plague me

Heartbreak is a human condition

 And I'm only human

Self-Evaluation, Oct. 2024

 

x = yes, o = sometimes

Academic/Work
[o] Do you feel happy to go to work each day?
[o] Do you enjoy what you're doing?
[] Do you feel competent?
[] Do you enjoy your work environment/the people/etc.
[] Have you been investing additional time to learning about your field?

Finances
[x] Do you track your expenses?
[x] Are you saving a portion of your paycheck every month?
[o] Do you spend more than you plan to?
[o] Do you spend on frivolous things?
    [] If so, do said frivolous things bring you enough joy to be worth it?
[x] Have you been contributing to retirement plans?

Mental Health/Spirituality
[] Do you feel loved?
[] Do you feel at peace?
[] Do you take time to meditate and be quiet each day?
[o] Have you felt lost, out of control, depressed more than half the time?
[] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily prayer?
[] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily devotionals?
[] Are you loving others?
[] Do you feel close to God?

Physical Health
[] Are you in the habit of exercising regularly?
[] Do you eat healthily?
[x] Do you get at least 7 hours of sleep on average?
[x] Have you been responsible about personal hygiene?

Service/Volunteering
[x] Do you find joy in service?
[] Have you been dedicating a significant amount of your time to service in some form (at work, at church, independently)?
[] Are you being honest with yourself about how much you can serve?
    [] If not, are you serving too much?
    [x] Are you under-serving?

Social
[x] Do you have a core group of friends upon whom you can rely?
[x] Do you find excitement in meeting new people?
[] Have you been intentional in keeping in touch with old friends?
[x] Have you been intentionally vulnerable in your relationships?