I am completely done dealing with other people’s inability to be honest with themselves and communicate clearly

Life is tiring and beautiful

I had a moment last week when I realized I truly felt happy. No caveats, no anxiety, no worries bringing me down. Just actual, pure joy, untainted. And it was so humbling to think that it had been so long since I had felt that at peace.

I spent so long thinking about who I was, who I wanted to be, that I forgot how to actually be who I am. There are so many things I want to do, so many ways I want to grow, and somehow in the past few years it all slipped by me. I hadn't realized I was going through the motions of life and forgetting to live.

So let this be my promise to God and to myself: I'll live the way I was intended for, in worship, in love, and in joy. I'm sure I'll have moments of failure and of fear, but I'll strive to be myself, and to grow into myself, and to stop letting myself and others hold me back.

I'm going to love more deeply, feel more authentically, reconnect with hobbies and people I loved, experience new things, cry loudly, embrace the world.

Life is tiring, but life is beautiful. Thanks be to God

And on some days, I remember I'm loved

And what a beautiful thing it is, to be a beloved child of God

To be able to see the beauty in the everyday

The sun shining on the what used to feel like a cold world

To see the winks and hear the whispers

And remember that you're here

You're home

You are

And that's enough

I’m starting to think the best thing you could have done for me was leaving

It’s been a painful journey, but I’m determined to come out stronger, and I’ve experienced happiness I had forgotten was possible

I’ve never so acutely felt the gravity of “lasts”

At least I have a poor memory so fewer of these threads can plague me

Heartbreak is a human condition

 And I'm only human

Self-Evaluation, Oct. 2024

 

x = yes, o = sometimes

Academic/Work
[o] Do you feel happy to go to work each day?
[o] Do you enjoy what you're doing?
[] Do you feel competent?
[] Do you enjoy your work environment/the people/etc.
[] Have you been investing additional time to learning about your field?

Finances
[x] Do you track your expenses?
[x] Are you saving a portion of your paycheck every month?
[o] Do you spend more than you plan to?
[o] Do you spend on frivolous things?
    [] If so, do said frivolous things bring you enough joy to be worth it?
[x] Have you been contributing to retirement plans?

Mental Health/Spirituality
[] Do you feel loved?
[] Do you feel at peace?
[] Do you take time to meditate and be quiet each day?
[o] Have you felt lost, out of control, depressed more than half the time?
[] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily prayer?
[] Are you keeping relatively up to date with daily devotionals?
[] Are you loving others?
[] Do you feel close to God?

Physical Health
[] Are you in the habit of exercising regularly?
[] Do you eat healthily?
[x] Do you get at least 7 hours of sleep on average?
[x] Have you been responsible about personal hygiene?

Service/Volunteering
[x] Do you find joy in service?
[] Have you been dedicating a significant amount of your time to service in some form (at work, at church, independently)?
[] Are you being honest with yourself about how much you can serve?
    [] If not, are you serving too much?
    [x] Are you under-serving?

Social
[x] Do you have a core group of friends upon whom you can rely?
[x] Do you find excitement in meeting new people?
[] Have you been intentional in keeping in touch with old friends?
[x] Have you been intentionally vulnerable in your relationships?

Conflict Resolution

How is it that people can get through so much of life and have basically zero conflict resolution skills? Long story short, an individual has basically been accusing me of harassing her (by, ironically enough, harassing me with incidents that I'm supposed to have done) over more than the last year. And in the past week or so, her ex-boyfriend has apparently teamed up with her to target me in Pokemon Go. It's absolutely ridiculous, and I just want to be left alone, but they refuse to talk to me. Some people are actually just crazy.

PSA for those who play, steer clear of JessJKitty and Chinterspi (and maybe to be safe, alexjl25 as well). They currently live on top of Putnam in Lechmere. Known accounts that they own/use/share include lightningShrike, Kitsunebbi, ErrantEmber, ProteanEevee, M4CHOMP, CasualBronwen, and RainbowBron. More probably exist.

Job Security!!!

It's been quite a while, but I thought the fact that I have some job offers for post-graduation was worth posting here, for anyone who might still check in periodically. Specific decision to be made shortly, and will update here once decided!

I do want to be better about updating things here, so perhaps this is a start. Grad school has thrown many things off track, but I do like being able to have a running journal/record of the many things that happen in life!

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I realize the last post was pre-quarantine, so suffice to saw many many things have changed since then haha.

The Case of the Missing Samples

As if grad school weren't hard enough without my NMR samples spontaneously going missing? What even is happening.

Here's to 2020! One day down.

Drama is overrated.

People need to just stop. If you're not even going to bother trying to talk through things without assumptions, then just let them live their lives.

I don't have enough to pay you all back yet, so I'll keep working.

These past few months have been entirely a shitshow.