Fervor

I remember when I first found God I procrastinated on problem sets and projects and just sat for hours reading the Bible. I want that excitement again. God, renew my heart.

Focus

I came across something in my devotionals yesterday that struck me pretty hard.

"Based on what you believe God wants you to want, what discipline do you need to start doing to head toward where God wants you to go? Choose one thing. You'll be tempted to pick three, four, or even ten, but don't. Whatever you do, pick just one thing."

I thought about this and laughed, because literally the day before I had listed three things I wanted to do. I don't know if I completely agree with picking just one, but I do get that when you have divided attention, nothing gets the attention it deserves. And in a way, I see it in my life (I'm writing this post at work, for one... oops?). But there are a lot of things I want to improve, and a lot of ways they tie to each other. I've never been good at giving my full attention to one single thing for an extended period of time, but maybe I can take it day-by-day.

But regardless, every day, I choose God.

Timing

It's such human nature to insist that the timing was wrong. A missed job opportunity, a broken relationship... Even if "everything" was right, it was just the timing that was off. Especially with relationships. People, myself included, will say that the love is there, and everything seemingly lines up, but... We weren't ready for a relationship. We had unresolved issues. We needed to work on ourselves before we could work together.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But we'll insist that because of that, the timing is wrong. We'll think longingly, "If only we had met in the future..." (Or, sometimes, in the past.) But it's not true. The timing wasn't off. It was just God's timing, and not yours. We would have chosen it such that the relationship would work, such that we would get the job or the internship or the vacation. But God chooses the timing such that we grow. He chose the timing so we would realize maybe this career path isn't what we want to do after all. He chose the timing so we would realize all of the ways this relationship was broken, or maybe more specifically, all of the ways we are broken. He chose the timing not for our hopes and plans to fail, but for His to succeed.

We tell ourselves the timing is wrong because that implies that maybe sometime in the future, the timing will be right. But it always is right. "Sometime in the future" means different situations, different people, different perspectives. We're not the same now as we were before, and the timing never had anything to do with that. He just had different plans. We think of timing being wrong when relationships don't work out because we see it as a failure - somehow we weren't good enough, we didn't try hard enough. Why else would two people who love each other not be able to be together? But the truth is, God places people in our lives to help us grow, and to support us in that growth. And that's all a relationship ever is, ever will be, and ever should be. Growth in faith, and growth as an individual. And sometimes, even with all the love and support and wanting to make it work... Sometimes our partners in growth are temporary. Sometimes God places them in our lives just to show us what there is we need to work on, to expose the darkness in us. Sometimes the people we love aren't meant to stay with us forever, just point us in the right direction.

The timing is never wrong. It's God's plan. It's just hard sometimes.

Soul-Searching

I forgot why I used to write here so often. Recently it's felt like I haven't had time. But it's always been therapeutic for me, putting thoughts into words. Thinking that maybe, somewhere out there, people are reading them and maybe that the words are helping them. I miss it. And so now here I am.

It's been a while since I've really written, and I'm thankful to God for reminding me how good it is to write, even if the path there was one of the hardest I've had so far. It's been a really rough few weeks. Emotionally, it's been damaging and painful, and I've had so many flashbacks to times when I was just enveloped in darkness and couldn't see a way out. It's been hard, and I've been hurting.

But I'm here, and I'm trying to make it better, and I'm going to write more as part of that. People always say you need to be alone to soul-search, but what you really need is God. And if what you need is God, you can do that alone or with others. I fluctuate a lot between feeling at peace and feeling miserably lonely. And being willfully apart from you doesn't help much. But it will in the long run, and I have faith that God will bring me through this stronger than before. So here's to a renewal of my journey, and a new honesty to myself, and to you, if anyone's reading this.

You get to a certain point at which your feelings finally align with what your brain has been telling you, and you realize maybe you need help.

Just Not

Sometimes I think maybe it was foolish 
Because you loved me so well, 
Why would I ever forget 
Or give that up? 
But I remember 
Loving well doesn't mean loving right 
And I was never good for you 
Not good enough, just not good 
And I've always thought it would be easier than this 
But perhaps 
I'm just likable enough 
To not be lovable at all.

I can't help but just think of how stupid I am for all of this.

#labfails

Apparently when I'm sick and not focusing, trying to take NMR samples means putting multiple samples in the same NMR tube. Woops.

All I've ever wanted is to know more.

Is this a difference of time or of interest? Of personality?

And I really do miss you, but...

In a way it's liberating

But at the same time, I've never hated my emotions more.

I wonder...

Maybe I was too hasty,
Maybe I was scared
Because you knew me better than
Anyone else, and better than
I thought you did.
And I really do just need time
To work on myself
But I miss you being here.

More than I should.

Sometimes I just want someone to see the happy me, and say, "It's okay to be sad."

Group projects don't end after school. Show grace when needed, and forgive more than you want.

It's on days like today that I think, maybe I can do this after all.