Learn to Breathe

At what point did not having anything to do become unsettling rather than relaxing?

Every once in a while, I feel this abrupt disconnection from everything and wonder exactly how I got here, and what I'm doing.

The Lives We Live

On Chichi's recommendation, I've started reading Redirect. It's nothing too mind-boggling, but I do like the idea of our story narrative. 

"Narratives are often like an oil painting to which we add a little daub each day."

What little daubs of paint have I been adding to my narrative these past few days? Weeks? Months? What daub is today's?

How have we been shaping the lives we live, and are they the ones that we want? The best ones we could have given what we were given?

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I find I read as much for the beautiful words and phrases as I do for the ideas behind them. I have dearly missed quiet afternoons spent in a different world; today was much needed.

Vulnerable

How long do we live without knowing ourselves? I feel like I don't even know who I am, what I want, where I'm going. Am I okay with that? To an extent, I guess so. But I don't want to give up on getting to know myself. I don't want to give up on getting to know anyone else. There's so much to learn about the world, about each other, about life. I can't help but think I've been sheltering myself so much in what I know, in this Asian-American, Taiwanese-American, upper middle class, academically elitist world. I'm bilingual, culturally "diverse"; America looks at me and expects an intelligent, well-educated, -different- person. But I'm so homogeneous it's ridiculous. What do I know about the world? What could I tell you? Our strengths are our weaknesses. My culture is my comfort, but it's a crux.

It's important to be uncomfortable. Confront things you don't normally see. Be vulnerable, so others can see you for who you really are, not who you try to be, or who you think you are. Learn about yourself from others, and let them learn about themselves from you. We all need each other.

How well can you ever know someone? Sometimes, better than they know themselves, if in a different way.

So help me discover the world. Help me discover you, discover me.

The Moral Bucket List

I wish I could write half as well [click here].

I'd love to be an incandescent soul.

Lessons Learned

How little do I remember from my late night musings, article readings, thought scrawlings?

How many lessons do I learn, only to promptly forget? And how do I grow if that's all I do?

Things happen for a reason.

More than it should.

Ideal Realities

Sometimes I wonder, do you like me, or the idea of me? Do I like me, or the idea of me? Do I even like either of those? But maybe I could like the idea of who I could be, if only I weren't who I currently am.

If I had my pick of dimensions, would I pick the one I'm currently in?

Probably not. But who's to say any other would be any better?

I've always wanted to be quotable.

When studying becomes too difficult, work on your Halloween costume instead.

A Million Divergences

If that night in fifth grade had gone as planned... If I hadn't fallen right there... If you hadn't opened your eyes and saved us... If God hadn't taken my hand... If I had slipped from your grasp... If it had been a few inches closer...

Of these million possible paths, these million possible divergences, I've found myself here, now. If that's not a miracle, what is?

Internal Wars

Does it ever feel like every fiber of your being is straining to separate from every other piece of you? Does it ever feel like your heart is an inconsolable child, upset for no reason, and your brain the helpless adult trying to explain there's nothing to fear? Does it ever feel like the world is too big, too busy, too grand for someone like you? Like there's no time for you? No space for you? Does it ever feel like you could have done so much more for every person that's passed through your life? Could you be doing more right now? Who would let you? Does it ever feel like you've failed somehow?

Yes. More often than not.