You have been throwing my emotions for a loop and I don't know why or how.

Healing

And maybe part of God's plan was for me to be hurt in order to be more able to help my friends through theirs. It's a bit strange to see similar scenarios unfold from another side. I guess it's healing for me in a bit, and I can better understand what happened when I was going through them. And I can better help them understand what's happening now.

I did say I'd take on sadness for my friends.

Charter must be explored!

Initiations was honestly wonderful. A few moments near the end were almost painfully slow, but worth the wait. I'm absolutely exhausted (but doing laundry), and my brain isn't completely functional, so I'll just give a brief summary/list of highlights.

~ The huge balloon Quan got, supposedly from a flower shop
~ Nick giving out badges for completely meaningless random things, like liking pandas and having seen stars
~ "One does not simply become the rice president"
~ Wilderness Explorers! (Charter must be explored! Caw caw (Quan Quan) rawr!)
~ Being used as a battering ram by Bolton
~ Also being piggybacked by Bolton during a relay - he moved insanely fast!
~ Figuring out the riddle and finding the golden tickets in the library
~ Initiations video (esp. Curtis being transported into Smash)
~ Staircase!
~ And of course, the extremely watered down beer shower

Casting Troubles on God

I was thinking about this idea a lot lately, and while I'm getting no closer to actually doing it well, or figuring out how to do it, I think I've found out a good way to think about it.

I don't know if it's just me, but whenever I fly back home, and finally see my parents and climb into the car, it feels like a huge load has been lifted from my shoulders. Stress and work are still very real things, but just knowing someone will take care of you if anything happens - if you get sick, or injured, or need help - is so comforting. But isn't that God? He's there for us always, watching out for us, for our well-being. I don't know how to extrapolate this feeling, but it just helps to realize that that is what God wants for us. 

Snapshots

It's amazing how little moments stay with you... The smile that lit up your face when you realized someone else was there. The way he was so willing to help out, even though it probably had more to do with what needed to be done than the fact it was you. Being complimented for something you never thought you would ever do, let alone be good at. Hearing about someone being excited over something you said. It's always the snapshots.

I should have let you go long ago. There are still trappings of a time that has past, but I'm much happier now.

Musings

I thought about how wonderful it must be to have someone willing to listen to every ridiculous thing you say.

I thought about guys who dress well.

I thought about whether God opens some people to Him more than others, and why.

I thought about why I write.

I thought about why I serve, or if I truly serve at all.

I thought about how nice it is that Charter Initiations are on Valentine's, because I never was one to think it was that special, but... it's nice to be occupied with something at least.

I thought about what it is that makes people like each other.

I thought about how easily I get tired of... things, people, activities, ideas...

I thought about family and work.

I thought about how wonderful and amazing a process diffusion is.

I thought about how astonishing it is that every single thing I use is the product of someone's imagination and determination.

I thought about you.

On Simpler Days

Some days, all I want is to curl up with Shakespeare, or Hemingway, Hardy or Dickens, and listen to Chopin serenade me.

Other days, all I want is freedom from the guilt of doing so.

To Love More Than Be Loved

Maybe we all just want to love more than be loved. To have someone confide in us, come to us. To have someone to take care of, who appreciates our attention and affection. Isn't that why we always sympathize with those who love more than those who are loved? We envy those who are loved, yes, but there must be something about those who love which pulls at us, tells us that that is what life is. Isn't that why we yearn to do wonderful things for the one we love? Not to earn love in return, but just... because. To love unconditionally. They say love is blind. Maybe that's better. How much easier would it be to love unconditionally if you were blind to others' flaws?

Can you love with a broken heart? Or is all love from a broken heart inherently broken itself?

Feeling a deep sense of loss tonight.

Bicker

I'm just so bitter that people are so distraught over not getting an eating club when there are so many more serious and pressing issues...

But at the same time, I feel horrible for thinking that. Who am I to deny someone's struggles?

Do I feel things too deeply?

And if I do, would I change it?

There's just such a heaviness in my heart.