And it really does surprise me how affected I am, but it will be okay.

Today’s a hollow day for my soul

I get so caught up in the vastness of possibilities that sometimes I forget about the simple pleasures

I spent a long time dreaming of a simple life, just with those I loved and enough to not worry about rent and my next meal, with some extra for the occasional splurge. I'm beyond that, but now I find my soul oftentimes yearning for so much more. I'll keep seeking that balance, and pray for peace

And each of these moments is a reminder that I’m still a work in progress

Over a decade later, I’m still learning to love myself so that I can love my neighbor. But what beautiful masterpieces we’ll all be in the end

I wish these moments would last forever. I’ve taken it as a given they won’t, but is there a reason they can’t?

Federal funding impacts on research

Honestly, I'm absolutely gutted. I remember the anxiety and fear I experienced in 2016 when the administration floated the idea that the subsidized graduate student tuition would be treated as taxable income, and now, 8 years later, so many of my friends who recently finally got faculty positions are considering leaving academia to industry because of lack of funding

Half a decade of graduate school, more of postdoc-ing, just to be told you won't be able to feasibly financially sustain the lab you worked so hard to establish. Not to mention some graduate students are having their offers rescinded because of lack of funding.

I knew this would be a hard time (and has been) for science, but this really breaks my heart. We'll be feeling the effects of this for decades to come.

"Trauma is just accelerated learning"

 courtesy of Michael T

The evolving nature of human connections

There's something deeply peaceful about old friendships. How you implicitly trust and respect and love them dearly. How you can pick up whenever, wherever. How you can just talk for hours. How you know they'll be there. 

It's comforting to know that you don't have to doubt the care that exists. And I feel like as I get older, it carries over to all relationships. In a way, it's nice that people don't have time to entertain those they don't actually enjoy the company of. It's no longer a question of whether you're liked, and just whether it'll work out. 

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On a related note, I'm in Atlanta visiting Michael! Excited to spend time together and get to know Crystal better. It's crazy to think that we've known each other 5x longer than we haven't, and it's only going to increase.

My life is a book of poems, not a novel

Why would I stay when I can go and explore what the world has to offer?

At least, that's what I have to remind myself of as I wake up at 4:30am for this flight...

I’m honestly a little scared now

I really wasn't expecting that. It doesn't logically make sense and it emotionally is nerve-wracking, and I don't know what to do with it. But honestly, maybe it doesn't even matter

Was that the right choice? I still don’t know. And I wonder, is this a reminder to plan less and trust more?

Entwining stories unraveling

I reflect on this pure truth of life a lot: that we constantly meet and lose people who deeply and irrevocably change our lives forever. These once strangers who flit into, and often out of, our experiences and leave an indelible mark. It makes me a little sad to think of how fleeting these encounters are, but maybe it was only for the briefest of moments that our souls connected. I wonder if my life has the same impact on theirs as they did on mine. I wonder if they think about me as they fall asleep half a world away.  

The human experience is beautiful, and sad, and joyous, all at once. And I hope to cherish those around me now all the more, not knowing what the future holds.

My heart is going through a little bit of a ringer this past day

April 2. Not the end, but the end of a chapter. I knew it was coming, but it feels so soon.

And I wonder, how will this all turn out?

Sometimes you’ll like someone more than you should, and more than is comfortable, and you think you might be a little stupid, but it’s all you can do. And the tightness in your chest is just a reminder that things are uncertain, but you persevere in spite of it. 

Sometimes you accept that you want things you can’t have, and that might not exist at all

Rumblings of the mind tracks

I sit here, and I reminisce about the first time I was here. A different person, with a different person. 

And I wonder, what made me so afraid? There's a part of me that yearns for the connection, the community. But that nagging whisper in my head repeats that phrase I used to hate so passionately - "Guard your heart." From the pains of the world, the pains of other people, the pains self-inflicted and unforeseen. But I wanted, and I want, to experience fully, with trust, with abandon. I want to admire the flowers and not think about them wilting, to bathe in daylight and not think about dusk. I hated to think about living life guarded, like some treasure others had to pay to see, to break in to experience. But whatever happened to my lack of inhibition that raised this glass case? One as clear as a calm lake on a calm day, easily shattered with the lightest of touches. 

My heart is so full of other people's experiences but it scares me to think theirs might be full of mine. My brokenness and my breaking. I want to be the wind that bends, but never the gust that breaks. A tousle of the hair, a welcome ray of sun on a cold day, a dancing leaf in the golden glow of an afternoon. Fleeting and forgotten, gone with the whisper of time. A gentleness, a tenderness, so deeply at odds with the force I tend to be and how much, how too much, I am. Perhaps the panes are to protect others from the pain of me. 

It's so hard to verbalize these feelings, but perhaps that's what makes us human. Just feeling, and knowing that others do too.

Perhaps the only thing worth living for is a love worth dying for

courtesy of Michael L