Why is it that I feel so guilty sometimes?

Tell me it's real

I find myself sitting here and thinking that there's no way this all could have happened. It's all too ridiculous to be true. And you'll say the same, but a part of me worries that somehow it's all a facade. That I'm just being played, and this is all a game. That you just know what to say, but the words that come out aren't what you mean. Because it's never been like this before, and I don't know how to react.

But that's not who you are, is it? That's not what this is, right?

Sometimes you have to wonder what the point of it all is

And sometimes, that time is at 3:22pm in the office on a Saturday. It's hard to know whether my day-to-day really helps anyone. Does any of it matter? And if it doesn't, does it at least give me the means to give back some other way? 

 These days, I really don't know. Part of me really does believe in this work and in the potential. We've done great things in some places. But we've also had things go nowhere, and I know things have gone poorly as well. 

 Is this where I want to be? Is this where I'm meant to be? And if not, and I'm increasingly thinking not, then where?

A little bit of luck and a lot of love

They always talked about 

The right person 

The right time 

Like people don't grow 

Like time doesn't continue 

Like love isn't a decision

Like you and I were immutable and unmovable

I never liked the idea that

We would be by chance rather than choice

And I strove to

Impose some sense of control

Exert some form of agency

Over who and when

I thought I could think through it all

Like love would be 

The ultimate thought exercise

But here I am

Here we are

And I can't deny the

Unexpectedness

Craziness

The ~story~

Of it all

And even if this is something surprising

Something I

Never would have thought

Never would have foreseen

Never would have planned

I do, in fact, choose it

Erica (pronoun)

Isn't it nice that you can just decide to redefine yourself? Every so often, just make the choice to refocus on different aspects of yourself, whether it's a reimagined emphasis or something completely new?

I oftentimes just sit and think, and overthink, about how other people perceive me, but I sometimes forget that I have ownership over my own story and their view of me as well. We're all authors and storytellers and we can will things into being by believing and working towards them. And while others might be quoted or even editors, no one can solely decide for you what your story says.

Isn't that just such a beautiful reminder? You're a masterpiece and a work in progress all at the same time.

Sometimes I sit here and just marvel at the beautiful souls I've been blessed to get to know - what a wonder

Do I ask for too much? I'm tired of telling myself it'll all be okay

Snippets from the adventure of a lifetime

And it really does surprise me how affected I am, but it will be okay.

Today’s a hollow day for my soul

I get so caught up in the vastness of possibilities that sometimes I forget about the simple pleasures

I spent a long time dreaming of a simple life, just with those I loved and enough to not worry about rent and my next meal, with some extra for the occasional splurge. I'm beyond that, but now I find my soul oftentimes yearning for so much more. I'll keep seeking that balance, and pray for peace

And each of these moments is a reminder that I’m still a work in progress

Over a decade later, I’m still learning to love myself so that I can love my neighbor. But what beautiful masterpieces we’ll all be in the end

I wish these moments would last forever. I’ve taken it as a given they won’t, but is there a reason they can’t?

Federal funding impacts on research

Honestly, I'm absolutely gutted. I remember the anxiety and fear I experienced in 2016 when the administration floated the idea that the subsidized graduate student tuition would be treated as taxable income, and now, 8 years later, so many of my friends who recently finally got faculty positions are considering leaving academia to industry because of lack of funding

Half a decade of graduate school, more of postdoc-ing, just to be told you won't be able to feasibly financially sustain the lab you worked so hard to establish. Not to mention some graduate students are having their offers rescinded because of lack of funding.

I knew this would be a hard time (and has been) for science, but this really breaks my heart. We'll be feeling the effects of this for decades to come.

"Trauma is just accelerated learning"

 courtesy of Michael T

The evolving nature of human connections

There's something deeply peaceful about old friendships. How you implicitly trust and respect and love them dearly. How you can pick up whenever, wherever. How you can just talk for hours. How you know they'll be there. 

It's comforting to know that you don't have to doubt the care that exists. And I feel like as I get older, it carries over to all relationships. In a way, it's nice that people don't have time to entertain those they don't actually enjoy the company of. It's no longer a question of whether you're liked, and just whether it'll work out. 

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On a related note, I'm in Atlanta visiting Michael! Excited to spend time together and get to know Crystal better. It's crazy to think that we've known each other 5x longer than we haven't, and it's only going to increase.

My life is a book of poems, not a novel

Why would I stay when I can go and explore what the world has to offer?

At least, that's what I have to remind myself of as I wake up at 4:30am for this flight...

I’m honestly a little scared now

I really wasn't expecting that. It doesn't logically make sense and it emotionally is nerve-wracking, and I don't know what to do with it. But honestly, maybe it doesn't even matter

Was that the right choice? I still don’t know. And I wonder, is this a reminder to plan less and trust more?

Entwining stories unraveling

I reflect on this pure truth of life a lot: that we constantly meet and lose people who deeply and irrevocably change our lives forever. These once strangers who flit into, and often out of, our experiences and leave an indelible mark. It makes me a little sad to think of how fleeting these encounters are, but maybe it was only for the briefest of moments that our souls connected. I wonder if my life has the same impact on theirs as they did on mine. I wonder if they think about me as they fall asleep half a world away.  

The human experience is beautiful, and sad, and joyous, all at once. And I hope to cherish those around me now all the more, not knowing what the future holds.

My heart is going through a little bit of a ringer this past day

April 2. Not the end, but the end of a chapter. I knew it was coming, but it feels so soon.

And I wonder, how will this all turn out?

Sometimes you’ll like someone more than you should, and more than is comfortable, and you think you might be a little stupid, but it’s all you can do. And the tightness in your chest is just a reminder that things are uncertain, but you persevere in spite of it. 

Sometimes you accept that you want things you can’t have, and that might not exist at all

Rumblings of the mind tracks

I sit here, and I reminisce about the first time I was here. A different person, with a different person. 

And I wonder, what made me so afraid? There's a part of me that yearns for the connection, the community. But that nagging whisper in my head repeats that phrase I used to hate so passionately - "Guard your heart." From the pains of the world, the pains of other people, the pains self-inflicted and unforeseen. But I wanted, and I want, to experience fully, with trust, with abandon. I want to admire the flowers and not think about them wilting, to bathe in daylight and not think about dusk. I hated to think about living life guarded, like some treasure others had to pay to see, to break in to experience. But whatever happened to my lack of inhibition that raised this glass case? One as clear as a calm lake on a calm day, easily shattered with the lightest of touches. 

My heart is so full of other people's experiences but it scares me to think theirs might be full of mine. My brokenness and my breaking. I want to be the wind that bends, but never the gust that breaks. A tousle of the hair, a welcome ray of sun on a cold day, a dancing leaf in the golden glow of an afternoon. Fleeting and forgotten, gone with the whisper of time. A gentleness, a tenderness, so deeply at odds with the force I tend to be and how much, how too much, I am. Perhaps the panes are to protect others from the pain of me. 

It's so hard to verbalize these feelings, but perhaps that's what makes us human. Just feeling, and knowing that others do too.

Perhaps the only thing worth living for is a love worth dying for

courtesy of Michael L

What a blessing it is to feel life this fully

And a part of me worries if and when this will all come crashing down, or if I'm setting myself up to be broken. But I'm trying not to let the unknown fears of tomorrow dispel the already ephemereal joys of today, so I'll do my best to hold onto these fleeting moments

I honestly don't know where this all came from or what it all means, but I feel surprisingly safe with you

My heart aches for times in the past and friends who have carved their own paths in the world. But today will be that day for a time in the future, and we’ll look upon it with the same fondness and grace as we do our former selves

We’re all just doing our best

So give that stranger on the train a smile

Wave at the kid across the street

Compliment a friend

It's everyone's first time living, and we're all in it together

It's so thrilling to be excited about life

It's been so long that I've been able to just look forward to things without an overhang of dread, and I can't even articulate how liberating everything feels. There's still a lot for me to work on, and some days are still rough, but it's getting better, and I can tell it's getting better.

I am completely done dealing with other people’s inability to be honest with themselves and communicate clearly

Life is tiring and beautiful

I had a moment last week when I realized I truly felt happy. No caveats, no anxiety, no worries bringing me down. Just actual, pure joy, untainted. And it was so humbling to think that it had been so long since I had felt that at peace.

I spent so long thinking about who I was, who I wanted to be, that I forgot how to actually be who I am. There are so many things I want to do, so many ways I want to grow, and somehow in the past few years it all slipped by me. I hadn't realized I was going through the motions of life and forgetting to live.

So let this be my promise to God and to myself: I'll live the way I was intended for, in worship, in love, and in joy. I'm sure I'll have moments of failure and of fear, but I'll strive to be myself, and to grow into myself, and to stop letting myself and others hold me back.

I'm going to love more deeply, feel more authentically, reconnect with hobbies and people I loved, experience new things, cry loudly, embrace the world.

Life is tiring, but life is beautiful. Thanks be to God

And on some days, I remember I'm loved

And what a beautiful thing it is, to be a beloved child of God

To be able to see the beauty in the everyday

The sun shining on the what used to feel like a cold world

To see the winks and hear the whispers

And remember that you're here

You're home

You are

And that's enough

I’m starting to think the best thing you could have done for me was leaving

It’s been a painful journey, but I’m determined to come out stronger, and I’ve experienced happiness I had forgotten was possible