Blood is thicker than water.

You know, somewhere out there, someone legitimately has blood that came from me. I wonder if I've managed to save any lives yet?

I do find you quite incredibly annoying, but I can't pinpoint why.

I might be forgiving, but I'm not stupid.

My dignity took a backseat to my fear.

Maybe my loneliness is just a factor of a lacking in my relationship with God. Because I love you all, I really do, but I shouldn't miss you as much and feel as alone as I do. I just want to be better, to better myself in so many ways. But maybe what I really need to do is just let Him better me.

You're not that important. You're incredibly special to me, but it shouldn't matter this much.

Don't think of yourself too highly.

Everyone's special.

I just want to be a better person.

I need some shorter-term goals.

Some things stick.

And recently, it's been an intense, persistent wondering about why I'm here, and whether I should be. Not in an impostor syndrome-y way (there's that too), but just... wondering.

Today was wonderful. It was much needed.

America (Rambling Thoughts)

I am so, so exhausted. I'm so tired and deeply sad. America is so filled with sorrow and hatred, and my heart aches at the pain in the world right now. California and Princeton and Massachusetts have all "shielded" me from the intolerance that only seems to spread as the days go on.

I want to believe bigotry and racism and sexism and xenophobia are not the norm. I believe they aren't. Yet it's so hard to see so many instances of them, so, so many more in such a short span than I ever thought would happen. We have managed to go from our first African-American president to one who has regularly expressed hateful, inflammatory, dangerous views of those different from himself.

And speaking of differences, we all live in massive echo chambers. I live in a massive, blue with streaks of well-educated, upper-middle-class red echo chamber. Why is listening so hard? I want more than anything to understand. I want to talk to those who have different views, to smash down these walls, but I'm also so tired. I've never wanted to be involved in politics, and I realize now how naive it was of me to think I could be involved socially and not politically.

How do we move forward?

I've got laundry thrown on chairs. My desk is a mess of papers, unwashed dishes, snacks, trash... That's when I know it's bad.

The world is hurting.

It's time to be there for one another. Regardless of it all, we're all in this together. The divide is strong, deep, and personal, but this country is ours. It may not be the one we want, and it may not have perfect citizens, but America is my country. It is (likely) your country, and it is our country.

There is work to be done. To listen, to understand, and to move forward.

Time to prepare for a rough four years...

Too much synthesizing. All synthesized out.

Sometimes I feel like I missed out on a different life.

Is this regret? It seems almost impossible to regret the vast expanse of the unknown. Do I wish I had made different choices? The funny thing is, I would say yes, but... Maybe I'm just so used to going with what I have. I'm comfortable, and nothing has been, has ever been, scarier.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Lose Yourself

It was a long shower type of day today. Standing under almost-scalding water, feeling the rivulets stream their way over my hair and down my face, dripping like tears to the tiles. Soft suds caressing my shoulders, fingers wrinkling with time.

It was a music blasting type of day today. The rhythmic thump and upbeat melodies numbing the soul. A bubble of noise, impenetrable, enveloping, immersive.

It was a new novel type of day today. Escaping into a different world for as long as possible, meeting new friends and learning their stories. Words flowing over me like a gentle breeze, comforting and familiar.

It was a good day for losing myself today.

Refocus

Right now, where is God in what I do?

Because every little 
Piece of me that I gave 
Or give to you or 
To anyone else 
Is another opportunity to be hurt. 
Every little piece of me 
That leaves 
Can be thrown back with 
Sharp words 
And sharper judgment. 
And I never thought I was one to care 
But I realize 
How much it stings 
To be discovered 
Or misunderstood 
Then thrown away. 
And still, 
It won't stop me from searching 
From sharing 
From listening 
Because maybe someone 
Will care 
And want to be cared for.
And maybe you still do.

Maybe I don't really fit into a heuristic.

Some days, naps throw me off terribly.

And then I'm both unproductive and flustered and feeling quite alone for the rest of the day/night.

---

You do confuse me, I think.

I refuse to be caught in the cycle again.

Influences

When I look at you,
What should I see?
A brother, a sister,
A student, a researcher?
Should I see the stories you tell
Or the ones you don't?
Can I see the days you spent
Coloring outside the lines,
The millions of smiles and hellos,
The tears, the anger, the fear?
Can I see your insecurity?
Can I see your pride?
Can I ever begin to see
The countless little influences
Which have created the masterpiece that you are?
Can I see where my part in you is?
Because maybe,
Just maybe,
I can see where I've left a mark on you
And you can see where you've left one on me
And we can both be proud
Of helping create a
Strong
Resilient
Kind
Generous
Beautiful soul.

The Passage of Time

It's amazing how you can feel like it's been such a short time, and yet forever at the same time. It's been a little over two months since I moved here, and while it seems like it's gone by in a flash, at the same time I feel like I've known these people forever, lived here forever, carried on with classes and teaching and pool nights at the bar forever.

It's been almost 21 1/2 years since my relatively short time on Earth began. How crazy is that? My entire life, very literally, in just over two decades. Forever for me, and yet a blink of an eye for the universe. What were you up to when I was playing on the swings? Learning algebra? Applying to college? Where were all of you in your lives?

I can see this time slipping away and soon I'll be looking for a job, starting a family, raising kids... But forever is still forever and still lies before me. I haven't even joined a lab, yet I know soon it will be time to leave one. Hindsight is 20/20, but also 150 mph.

Time is a funny thing. Regardless of how much or how little attention you pay it, it always slips through your grasp. And it's always constant, regardless of our perception of it. Pretty soon, we'll all just be memories.