For those of you who read my blog, but might have missed my FB status. Unfortunately, this offer pertains only to those of you at Princeton, as much as I'd love to bring food to my friends back in California, or in NYC/Boston/etc. Raincheck for when I'm next in the area or when you're in Princeton!

Crushes

I wonder if crushes are any easier to deal with if you know nothing will ever come of it, for whatever reason.

It seems like it should be. Or at least, it would be easier to argue against your heart. Because you have all these reasons why, even if they liked you back, it wouldn't work. And if it wouldn't work, what's the use wishing they liked you back?

Formula Poems

"Write a poem that uses a mathematical scheme/problem/theory/idea/mystery as its formal motor."

I have an idea. I am excited. Also a bit nervous, because I don't want to screw it up.
Hint: Collatz Conjecture.

Beautiful phrases, broken people, and an insurmountable sense of loss.

Year of the Pig, Gemini, ENFJ. I read my horoscopes and personality traits just to see if I can understand myself better.

I can do this.

Just keep telling yourself that.

I just feel... a pinch of emptiness and a dash of something missing.

You have been throwing my emotions for a loop and I don't know why or how.

Healing

And maybe part of God's plan was for me to be hurt in order to be more able to help my friends through theirs. It's a bit strange to see similar scenarios unfold from another side. I guess it's healing for me in a bit, and I can better understand what happened when I was going through them. And I can better help them understand what's happening now.

I did say I'd take on sadness for my friends.

Charter must be explored!

Initiations was honestly wonderful. A few moments near the end were almost painfully slow, but worth the wait. I'm absolutely exhausted (but doing laundry), and my brain isn't completely functional, so I'll just give a brief summary/list of highlights.

~ The huge balloon Quan got, supposedly from a flower shop
~ Nick giving out badges for completely meaningless random things, like liking pandas and having seen stars
~ "One does not simply become the rice president"
~ Wilderness Explorers! (Charter must be explored! Caw caw (Quan Quan) rawr!)
~ Being used as a battering ram by Bolton
~ Also being piggybacked by Bolton during a relay - he moved insanely fast!
~ Figuring out the riddle and finding the golden tickets in the library
~ Initiations video (esp. Curtis being transported into Smash)
~ Staircase!
~ And of course, the extremely watered down beer shower

Casting Troubles on God

I was thinking about this idea a lot lately, and while I'm getting no closer to actually doing it well, or figuring out how to do it, I think I've found out a good way to think about it.

I don't know if it's just me, but whenever I fly back home, and finally see my parents and climb into the car, it feels like a huge load has been lifted from my shoulders. Stress and work are still very real things, but just knowing someone will take care of you if anything happens - if you get sick, or injured, or need help - is so comforting. But isn't that God? He's there for us always, watching out for us, for our well-being. I don't know how to extrapolate this feeling, but it just helps to realize that that is what God wants for us. 

Snapshots

It's amazing how little moments stay with you... The smile that lit up your face when you realized someone else was there. The way he was so willing to help out, even though it probably had more to do with what needed to be done than the fact it was you. Being complimented for something you never thought you would ever do, let alone be good at. Hearing about someone being excited over something you said. It's always the snapshots.

I should have let you go long ago. There are still trappings of a time that has past, but I'm much happier now.

Musings

I thought about how wonderful it must be to have someone willing to listen to every ridiculous thing you say.

I thought about guys who dress well.

I thought about whether God opens some people to Him more than others, and why.

I thought about why I write.

I thought about why I serve, or if I truly serve at all.

I thought about how nice it is that Charter Initiations are on Valentine's, because I never was one to think it was that special, but... it's nice to be occupied with something at least.

I thought about what it is that makes people like each other.

I thought about how easily I get tired of... things, people, activities, ideas...

I thought about family and work.

I thought about how wonderful and amazing a process diffusion is.

I thought about how astonishing it is that every single thing I use is the product of someone's imagination and determination.

I thought about you.

On Simpler Days

Some days, all I want is to curl up with Shakespeare, or Hemingway, Hardy or Dickens, and listen to Chopin serenade me.

Other days, all I want is freedom from the guilt of doing so.

To Love More Than Be Loved

Maybe we all just want to love more than be loved. To have someone confide in us, come to us. To have someone to take care of, who appreciates our attention and affection. Isn't that why we always sympathize with those who love more than those who are loved? We envy those who are loved, yes, but there must be something about those who love which pulls at us, tells us that that is what life is. Isn't that why we yearn to do wonderful things for the one we love? Not to earn love in return, but just... because. To love unconditionally. They say love is blind. Maybe that's better. How much easier would it be to love unconditionally if you were blind to others' flaws?

Can you love with a broken heart? Or is all love from a broken heart inherently broken itself?

Feeling a deep sense of loss tonight.

Bicker

I'm just so bitter that people are so distraught over not getting an eating club when there are so many more serious and pressing issues...

But at the same time, I feel horrible for thinking that. Who am I to deny someone's struggles?

Do I feel things too deeply?

And if I do, would I change it?

There's just such a heaviness in my heart.

I see now, I lost part of myself in loving you.

To Scotland!

This is going to be a year of travels =] First off to Florida with Christie and Michelle over spring break, then to Edinburgh for the summer! I'm ridiculously excited, but also sort of nervous about living on my own in a completely different country with no one I know... Housing and transportation and everything is going to be so weird... Have to sort out visas and immunizations and everything too.

But I've been so blessed to be able to go. Amazingly blessed. There's just... such a heaviness in my heart that's been there since yesterday, and I don't know when or if it will ever go away.

Dear World,

Today is my friend Tommy's 21st birthday. I've known Tommy since middle school and he's always been such a bright light in my life. He's an amazingly wonderful, selfless, and inspiring individual, and just such a joy to be friends with. I have so many wonderful memories of classes and clubs together, and how he could always make us laugh. However, due to his struggle with ME/CFS, he is unable to continue his career at Stanford and, in the chance he doesn't recover, will "never be able to complete my degree, hold a job, or get married and have kids." Please pray for his health and recovery, and if you are able, to donate to the cause and/or forward his fundraising letter to someone who might have the means.

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(this letter may be made public for fundraising purposes)

I am writing with regards to Myalgic Encephalomyelitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS). With ME/CFS, healthy people get infected with a virus which infects the CNS. These people are left extremely ill, often bedridden, and most will remain ill for the rest of their lives. There is no treatment or cure for ME/CFS. This disease affects > 1 million Americans.

A year ago, I was a sophomore at Stanford studying computer science. Things were going great. I had a 4.0 GPA and summer job offers from Facebook and Dropbox. I was also in extremely good shape. I had run varsity track in high school and once set a school record by doing 29 pull ups. My medical history was a clean slate. As you can guess this story goes, I got infected with a virus which infected my nervous system. I became very ill with ME/CFS and am now too weak to walk more than 100 feet or work for more than several minutes in a day. I will most likely never recover, in which case I will never be able to complete my degree, hold a job, or get married and have kids. Only 15% of patients will recover.

There is hope. Researchers have made significant progress in the last year towards better understanding this disease. A dream team of researchers at Stanford has assembled to tackle this disease. These researchers have access to state of the art equipment and can measure the levels of thousands of genes expressed in the body, track thousands of proteins, and pick up even the tiniest amounts of viral DNA. Most promisingly, they have identified 2 experimental drugs, one which fights viruses and another which modifies the immune system which works in about 2/3rds of ME/CFS patients. Everything is in place for us to tackle this disease in the next several years except one thing: funding.

The funding situation for ME/CFS is embarrassingly poor. Most serious diseases receive hundreds or thousands of dollars in research funding per patient per year. HIV/AIDS is another disease which is caused by a virus, has a poor prognosis and affects the same number of patients as ME/CFS. AIDS research gets $3 billion in funding per year, or about $2000 per patient. With ME/CFS, the figure is $5 million per year for a mere <$5.00 per patient. For a disease which affects >1 million Americans and has an annual economic impact of $26 billion, this funding situation is inadequate.

Our goal is to raise $100 million dollars in private funding for ME/CFS research. This will allow us to understand the details of the disease, and run larger clinical trials to prove these experimental drugs are effective. We expect this level of funding will allow us to cure many cases of ME/CFS in the next several years, getting a million Americans back to work. With an economic impact of $26 billion, this is a better return on investment than received by the early investors in Facebook.

To make a donation, please visit:
http://med.stanford.edu/sgtc/donation.html

Sincerely,
Tom Camenzind

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This just breaks my heart.

I've been broken for a while.

Into the Void

Does depression hit like a wave breaking against a cliff base? Or is it more like a trickle, a leaky roof gone unnoticed until it floods the house? Is it possible to recognize the onset and stop it? And how would one do it? Just through sheer will and prayer?

Is it possible to be both depressed and happy at the same time? To be joyful and have every reason for that, but to just have a deep set sadness and dissatisfaction?

Just some thoughts.

It's absolutely incredible what people go through on a daily basis. And it's also amazing how we can be so apathetic to other's needs. Even the best of us can be so oblivious sometimes. It's also beautiful though, just... people. 

I don't know what I'm saying anymore, I should go do work.

It shouldn't be possible for someone to be so anxious, happy, down-hearted, and excited all at once. I'm going to get a heart attack from all these conflicting feelings...

Boston!

Went to visit Eric (and Benji!) at MIT after winter retreat (which was absolutely amazing). Had an awesome time. Honestly, I'm so blessed with such great friends that take time from their busy schedules to have me over and entertain me and stay up way too late every night haha. Met a lot of Eric's friends too, which was super awesome - they're really great people. Lots of food, played some knockout and lots of Spades... =] Intersession was wonderful. Time for a new semester!