I completely didn't realize how much of a jerk you could be...

Like a child, like a fool, I wanted reassurance. And got none.

Campus is so empty. It's just... so cold... It's debilitatingly lonely.

Fall Break!

Finally here! I've been spending the first day of it chilling, but I did finish all of my required hours of psych study participation for PSY252, so I've been sort of productive. Also going to read psych and work on my lab report tonight. I'm horribly tired though.

I feel like it's going to be a bit lonely on campus over break... I haven't spent a break on campus since fall break freshman year. Well, there's work enough to do, and lab to go to. I'll maybe learn how to play uke and sleep more than normal and watch movies and generally just rest I guess.

Got a care package from Handson today. =]

Skyping with Michelle in a half hour - should be fun!

All the midterms and all the stress. I'm not sure what's happening but I definitely don't like it. I'm just so exhausted and anxious all the times. There are good moments for sure, but I'm really starting to doubt some things...

God,

Please help me.

Just because you find that life's not fair...

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime

Completely unique and unexpected. Great use of lights. And the explanation of his A-levels math problem at the end was the best.

I have to say, for my first Broadway play, I wouldn't have wanted any other one. It really takes you into a different sense of being. It's both fun with Christopher taking everything literally, and also disorienting to be in the mind of someone unable to deal with the world socially. But wow, what a night.

And I got to meet Alex Sharp after! What a performance.

Chemistry + Design

Spontaneously bought a Broadway ticket for tomorrow. Honestly, I'm not too sure that was a good idea. I mean, Broadway tickets are an amazing deal, and I'm sure I'll enjoy it, but I have so much work and midterms are coming up... I already went to see Les Mis and I'm going to see Matilda next Wednesday too...

Of course, I shouldn't be complaining. I've been amazingly blessed with the opportunities I have.

Procrastinated on my lab report by designing the chemistry swag that the department will hopefully get! I'm actually pretty proud of it, and I can't wait! It's gotten good feedback from the people I've asked as well, so hopefully people like it. =] I'm holding off on posting a picture, just in case, but if you ask I'll definitely show you. =P And of course, it'll be up here once it's approved and the order is in!

Les Mis on Broadway

Absolutely stunning. I think to say too much about it would be doing it a disservice.

I was a bit taken aback by Eponine's voice, but Jean-Valjean was just amazing. Surprisingly Cosette in Les Mis was Christine in Phantom when I saw it. And my gosh, Gavroche.

What a night.

And the world has the rough, crumbly feeling of an old, frayed rug, coming undone at my fingertips.

Convincing the Department to subsidize gear for majors. One of the benefits of being on the PUCS Board. =]

Vicarious Pain

And maybe I hurt more than I should for the people I care about. But is that really a bad thing?

To Be Uncertain

Fall in love with a dancer named Eve who has an unpleasant past and beautiful legs. Spend too much time thinking about how life doesn't make sense. Your mom suggests journalism. Your friends suggest Burning Man. You only feel satisfied walking around looking at people. You want to see who looks back and who never looks at all. Understand what you must do. Keep moving toward the next thing. You have a calling, an urge, a delusion, an unfortunate itch. You have, as your mother would say, wasted your life.

Why become uncertain of what to become? What things are there to become? These are questions to ask yourself. For example: why are children forced to work as slaves? Why are women bought and sold for sex? These are questions you carry in your stomach, like butterflies. The make you uneasy and nervous.
Take classes at community college because you live to learn. You feel that it's good for your health. You find sanctuary in sociology. You discover that race, class, and gender inequality are driving forces behind capitalism. Be glad you know these things. Be glad you are not just a machine. Apply to graduate school to study anthropology.

From here on in, many things can happen. But the main one will be this: you decide not to go to graduate school after all, and instead, you spend a good chunk of your adult life working odd jobs and reading books. Somehow you end up writing. Perhaps you find rhythm and order in placing words on paper. Perhaps you settle into life. Perhaps you feel stuck.

You leave your boyfriend of too many years because he prefers porn. Quit your job because your boss is a controlling, manipulative baby. Live on borrowed money. Feel bad you have to pay it back. Tend to the garden. Prepare meals. Do the dishes. Keep looking for what's next.

An opportunity.
An unexpected chance.
A new and wonderful thing.
A bold move.

At home, pet the dog. Eat eggs with fried rice. Think about how the flavors remind you of Saturday mornings with mom, dad, and your brother. Occasionally you sit in a café and stare at people. You try to connect. Your eyes catch his. He walks over. You are eager to talk gender politics. He wants to take you back to his place. You decide that this encounter sucks. You sigh and move on to the busy sidewalk.
Still looking,
still searching for
something else, someone else.

~ Liza Sutterby, "How to Become Uncertain of What to Become"