Ah, Grades.

Provided I don't fail my bio final and epically fail my English final, I'm all set! I'm probably going to end up with a lower grade in yoga than I do in calc though; it's sort of sad, but I'm by no means complaining. The funny thing is, Mrs. Dillman curved the calc final so my grade in that class is SERIOUSLY beasting right now, and it was already pretty good before. I feel bad about it, since people are struggling in that class, but at the same time, I just want to laugh at how dumb my calc predicament is...

On an off tangent, I apparently have a textbook or fine due, since I couldn't get my yearbook, and I have NO idea what it is... Ah well... I'll get my yearbook eventually...

218/365 (Cross Sections Project Finished!)

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Yay for Cakeday #16. Which is without cake. But whatever! =P

I got wished happy birthday by CollegeBoard and random college e-mails... xD

Also, thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday and to Zach, Ross, and Hsiang for taking the time to stop by and drop off a present. =P Even though it was totally unnecessary, I appreciate the gesture and I got some pretty awesome stuff, so merci beaucoup! =D

217/365 (SAT IIs)

So scores came out today. Did pretty well on Bio M, and FINALLY got the damn 800 on Math IIC. USH sort of sucked though, but not as badly as French did, thank god. But still. Blah. -sighs-

216/365 (Anaphora)

I got bored and wrote some, since we get extra credit in English if we do. Not that I need it, but writing poems is rather fun, and me being bored + possible channeling of boredom into something useful... I actually ended up writing five which, according to Mr. King, all fit the "definition," but these two are the most "obvious" ones I guess. Plus they flow better since they rhyme. =P

***

Lacking

Tis truly a shame
If one counts the days
If one takes for granted the things that won't stay
If one substitutes feelings with emotions of reason
If one lives indifferently season through season
If one labors and strives and toils without play
If one takes all things seriously, be as they may
If one goes through life always looking ahead
If one is with work forever wed
If one only accuses and never takes blame
If one fails to realize life is partly a game
If one is a train, schedule always on track
If one never discovers the spontaneity one lacks
If one never roams, never dreams, never sees
The true meaning of life beyond money's disease

***

Celebration

Each day with so much ceremony begins
With birds and bells and breakfast within
With chirps and Chimes and coffee creams
With sunlight streaming and daylight dreams
With splashes of water on yawning faces
With beams of sunshine in treetop embraces
With fiery heavens of white-gold skies
With the mysteries of night slowly made wise
With the ground of the earth still damp from the dew
With the raven cloth of night lightening its hue
With honeybee humming over fair, fragrant flower
With clouds up above changing by hour
With such a celebration to paint the skies blue
Tis all who marvel who begin world anew

215/365 (CEO)

The problem with being a CEO of a really successful company is that your sense of money gets really screwed up. Like, no one's going to care about 100k lost if your average profit is like $4 billion. I'm seriously so happy about the $200 I've made so far that I just find that crazy... Of course, you're probably making so much money as a CEO that you can afford the skewed value of money, but it's just really scary to me right now.

The 200 Barrier Has Been Broken =]

214/365 (Being Fake)

Fake people are one thing. I don't think some of them even know how be genuine anymore. But what also irks me is little episodes of fake-ness, like fake writing.

By that, I'm mainly referring to two things. One is the little rambles that sound philosophical, and are engineered to sound philosophical, but really don't mean shit. It's the BS which someone writes in order to make themselves sound thoughtful. Sometimes it's hard to tell from the real thing, in which case, at least it's good BS, but that makes the ones that you can tell right off the bat that much worse. Sometimes it's hard to tell from the writing, but easy to tell from the person on account of their personality. Maybe they're just a fake person, or maybe there's no way in hell they'd have the capability to think philosophically. Which sounds weird, because you'd think everyone would have that ability, but they either don't, or they wouldn't be able to phrase it so that it sounded that way.

The other is basically those people who throw in SAT vocab words all over the place. No one ever says "time alleviates" in common conversation. Or in writing, if you think about it, because it just sounds stupid. It's especially annoying if they can't even use the word right. You don't see through your irises. They're the colored part that controls how much light goes into your eye, but you "see" through your pupils. Irises and pupils are not synonyms. Hell, irises isn't even the common plural form of iris. It's supposed to be irides. Don't use words for the hell of sounding smart, and if you really have to, for the love of God, don't use words you don't know.

Happy Birthday Courtney!!!

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213/365 (Crafts)

Some people find it weird that I really like crafts. I like making things, as can be evidenced by the types of gifts I give my closer friends. They take a while, but they're fun, even with the hot glue burns and the frustration when something doesn't work out.

But people feel like since I'm such a "math-y" person, arts and crafts shouldn't be my thing. In my eyes, I see nothing that fits better. I'm not an abstract artist. I don't take in the beauty of a random blob. I can find meaning in it, but it's not my thing. I'm meticulous in my pillow-making and whatnot. I have an order, and a way to doing things, and even a way to getting a good result by intentionally burning myself with hot glue. It's a methodical process, and if others knew this, they wouldn't feel that it's so weird for me, a "math-y" person, to love it as much as I do.

Congratulations to Jessica, Berkeley grad of 2011!!!
May 21, 2011


Thanks for always being there for me even when you had your own troubles to deal with. I can't believe you're graduating from college already, and heading off into the real world with a job and all! It's weird to say, since I'm younger than you, but it feels like you grew up so fast! =P I just have to say that I'm super proud of you and everything that you've done thus far, and that I hope to do as well as you have throughout life. Keep working hard! You're my role model and I'll always look up to you, forever and always.
I love you! ♥

212/365 (Fundraising To-Do List)

Monday - Poster session during lunch (remember, blue tape!) ["Overall" poster to hang up on table]
Tuesday - Hang up flyers during tutorial (more blue tape!) + Yogurtland fundraiser after school
Friday - Quickly's fundraiser after school

Yogurtland - Contact Mr. Chau, 50 containers (15 cookies 'n cream, 15 strawberry, 10 red velvet, 10 chocolate), find coolers + ice

Quickly's - Call the day before, 40 drinks, cooler + ice

General - Talk to office about announcements, find out how to get news on Cal home page

211/365 (Fundraising is Hard)

Especially when it's combined with projects, SAT IIs, and lots of other crap. But mainly, in the next 3 weeks, I have...

~ 3 fundraisers (Yogurtland + Quickly's) and very likely more to set up
~ 3 projects (calculus cross sections, chemistry report, history research)
~ SAT IIs (chemistry and biology E)
~ 2 pillows to make (Courtney's and a thank-you one for Mr. White)
~ Art and Wind Festival volunteering

210/365 ("Resolving a Conflict")

I guess it's proof that those who work hard and play by the rules persevere in the end... Of course, it's also proof that those who work hard and break the rules also end up at the top. Welcome to life.

209/365 (One Baby Panda, Two Baby Panda...)

Dang, it's been FOREVER since I've done one of these... Ah well. I've been super busy, so here's a picture. =P

I'll keep trying then. There's no reason not to. It's for a good cause. Just keep telling myself that.

You know you're crazy when you start giggling uncontrollably while having drawn-out conversations with yourself.

The Decay of the Art of Being Arrogant

It is within the human nature to be arrogant - all humans have an ego which thirsts for recognition, but it is only a select few who have yet preserved the art of arrogance. It is the right of the human to personally portray his best features - his genius must be placed upon display for lesser beings to admire and emulate. Yet it is an art which must be mastered, for one cannot go about brandishing one's strengths - that would merely alienate all listeners. Instead, one must subtly hint at one's superiority, effectively making other feel unworthy, and compelling them to forever strive to be better.

The seemingly virtuous trait of humility is all but overstated. Humility serves no person. Through humility, one is simply misrepresenting one's own strengths, and keeping others from striving to be better. The growing prevalence of modesty is truly a thing to bemoan, the death of arrogance one to mourn. The man who is arrogant in his ways, who so boldly declares, "Here, let me help you with that problem, for I was the only one to receive 100% on the test," is surely one of whom angels doubtless say, "Lo, here is a helpful soul who risks himself to hatred to help aid the self-improvement of others."

There is naught by good that well-placed arrogance may do. It is simple goodwill for one to gloat over a high test score, to scoff at those who find a subject difficult. It is this courteous arrogance which enables others to strive to be better, to more fully comprehend the chapter which was excruciatingly simple for the average, arrogant man. It is this arrogance which should be nurtured, for one must make the long, arduous climb to the top of the pedestal, and take the utmost care to ensure that one will not fall off amidst the unselfish self-embellishment that is man's duty.

There can be no fault found in one who indulges in arrogance, for the self-proclaimed braggart is one who perfectly engages in the finest of the noble arts. It is the men who put themselves atop the hill to give other a model of utmost perfection for which to strive that deserve my just, honest, and gratuitous appreciation.

For arrogance is universal - it is simply those who allow themselves to be looked upon as a model during all hours of the day who deserve the pure honor of being a self-satisfied, arrogant braggart. It is those who can stand erect upon that pedestal, unafraid, willing to be looked upon, firm and square and proud whom we must emulate. These are the men whom we must look upon, with due respect, and simply hope to later imitate.

*****

Background information - In-class essay/response to Twain's "The Decay of the Art of Lying"

208/365 (Untitled, But No Matter)

Eternal nature of a splintered past
Transient face of happiness last
Shattered bottles of shattered dreams
A tarnished diamond that never gleams
Tainted by the brutality of life
With endless war and infinite strife
A downcast face and dismal eyes
A hunched stature, broken pride,
An outcast in the societal world
A tornado of emotion and misery swirled
From scathing glances of youth offhand
An apathetic world, listlessly grand
The guilty crying of his wounded soul
For crimes never committed, but no chance of parole
Held captive in the prison of his mind
The fabric of sorrow with pain entwined
Interrogation lights, a sparkling blade
More than one mistake that he hath made
No reason to live against the world and himself
The clock face glimmers, a quarter past twelve
A quarter past no return
For his heart did no longer yearn
For passing days, months, years,
Wrought with regret, woe, and tears
His blooming grief and wilted splendor -
Death's perfect friend and life's contender.

I want a pet fennec fox... And a pet squirrel. And a ferret. And a kitten. I think the kitty will be the easiest to get. xD

Done with testing until June!!! And done with AP testing for the year! ;D

I love the panicked feeling I get right before a major test. I'm not going to learn anything now, but I can't accept that I'm screwed. Screw bio.

207/365 (Wasting Time to "Right" Wrongs)

Sometimes people wonder why I don't lash out at people who talk sh*t about me. Or why I'm still nice to people who tend to try to screw everyone over. To be honest, I'm sort of surprised by the fact that I can deal with people whom I've known longer than others better than they can. I guess it's all a matter of perspective, although the amount of people I talk to that make faces or groan whenever they hear -insert person here-'s name is rather astonishing - I didn't even know these people KNEW the person in question.

But for the most part, instead of holding grudges and trying to screw them over back, I prefer to just sit here and hope that they get their just consequences in the end. Oh sure, I know there's a possibility that it'll never happen, but I'm not spending any more energy than I need to deal with them. They could probably end up super successful and everything, and even without many close friends, their life would still be stellar. Whatever. I try to go my own way, you go wherever you want. I'm a passive person when it comes to these things - there's just no point in being any other way.

206/365 (Raising My SAT Score?)

Apparently while I was off suffering through extremely specific USH and biology SAT II questions, my dad got a call from some random person claiming they could raise my SAT score. By 200 points. I really wish I were there so I could have been like, "Is that a guarantee? Yeah? Awesome, so that means I can get a 2600?" xD

205/365 (Compliments)

We were supposed to say why the other is a better candidate. I said you were super motivated and determined. You said I'm involved in numerous things, so dedication MAY not be a problem. Is it just me, or is there a difference in our answers?

A Tiffany Necklace

She sighs as she leans her head against the shimmer-glass window in her impeccably unorganized room. It’s been a rough day – not as turbulent as some, but definitely rougher than her normal gliding-through-the-smooth-waters journey. She can’t remember if she meant to start her chemistry homework or maybe just sit at her desk and think. It’s not the first time it’s happened, but it seems like one too many – people talking behind her back, that is. She never stops to wonder if it’s her own fault, never stops once to consider she might be the cause of all these supposedly unwarranted injustices. Never stops once to consider the people she’s stepped on in her race to get ahead. It can’t be her fault.

Of course, she doesn’t mean for it to hurt people – there’s no malicious intent in her actions… At least not usually. Oh sure, she’ll call someone a bitch every now and then, when she’s only had a measly six or so hours of sleep, but a simple apology suffices for that, of course. It’s not that she doesn’t like the people per se… They’re just disposable. She sighs again and looks outside at the trees gently waving their branches in the subtle wind. People are disposable – that’s a lesson she learned early from her parents. And that’s why she disposes of them. They’re there to help, at least she believes they are, but sometimes the way they can help most is to have you get rid of them. She only wants to get to the top – she only wants to be the smartest, the prettiest, and the best overall. After all, doesn’t everyone? You can’t just be content with where you are. There’s always something better out there. And sometimes you just need to get rid of those people who stand in your way. Those once-friends, now obstacles. But even worse, they don’t just get in her way – unacceptable, but at least not intentional – some of them block it actively. They try to… “screw her over” in colloquial speech. She can’t believe why they would be out to get her, to keep her from rising to the top. She should be at the top. She deserves to be at the top. Don’t they want the best and brightest leading the way? She can’t imagine why they’d talk behind her back when they were the ones in her way.

After all, people are only there for so long as the best purpose they serve is to be there. There are plenty of people who like her. Well… Most of them don’t know her very well, but she always has those few friends who would trust her with anything… Even if she doesn’t trust them nearly as much. You can never be too careful. After all, she used to be best friends with the ones spreading rumors about her now. But she can always go complain to these friends about the people who spread hateful lies, and they always understand. So she’s not wrong. She can’t be wrong. She’s never wrong.

After all, she’s gotten this far in life, hasn’t she? She has an immaculate diamond of a life, and it can’t be because of anything besides the carefully mapped blueprint by which she lives. A 4.83 GPA, president of a club she doesn’t have to do anything for, the leisure of playing piano for leisure, teachers who love her, people who trust her, occasional outings with friends, and lots of sleepy late-night conversations about the most random things. But now there’s a chip. She just can’t understand why people would backstab her and say the nastiest things behind her back. She never did anything to them. They were the ones who got in her way.

She looks around her bedroom and sees little remnants of people she used to know. They don’t usually bother her – in fact, she usually never even notices these reminders of people she used to talk to – but she just can’t comprehend why these people would even entertain the notion of spreading despicable rumors about her. Of course she doesn’t use people, of course she’s not manipulative. She just can’t understand from where they draw these blatant lies.

She paces to her rhinestone-studded jewelry box and fingers her sparkling Tiffany necklace. It was a gift from a friend who got too ambitious and just got in her way every time she tried to be the best at something – she doesn’t even remember her name anymore, but that doesn’t matter. That girl was just one of many. She just had detach herself from them. But the necklace was still there, and sometimes she still liked hiding behind its shine, the way she hides behind a skirt and blazer even though everyone thinks she’s a jeans and T-shirt sort of girl. It’s just something she has to do – after all, the general consensus nowadays is that the prettiest girls flaunt the most feminine clothes. She never really liked shopping, or high heels, but at the same time, she loves them. She has to. She’s so good at keeping up the glazed façade that sometimes, she can’t even tell if she’s pretending. Even with her friends, she knows she has on a mask so carefully molded the distinction between reality and fiction isn’t so much a line as it is a gradient of truth. It’s a game – they must know she’s playing. But what if they don’t?

No, that can’t be right, people are disposable. Her friends are disposable – each of them should know that by now. Or at least, they should. It’s just how life works. How would she ever get through life without acknowledging that fact? People don’t mean anything. They can’t mean anything, because then maybe she’ll break and have the craziest notion to let someone get in the way of her greatest aspirations. She always catches herself in time. No one can be the best but her. It has to be her.

It’s just the answer to life. She has to end up at the top. It’s always been about the answers. And sometimes people are just the variables that you have to eliminate to get the final answer. But maybe “eliminate” is too harsh of a word. Let go. Sometimes you just have to let people go.

And everyone understands that. That sometimes you just need to clean up. And it’s so easy to brush people out of her life. Random cards from faceless people, letters signed with “love” from those whom she doesn’t, and never did, care about. It’s not like they remember her anymore either. She swept them away, and doesn’t even recognize the name signed they signed, so why would they even think about her? But then why did these people keep talking behind her back, when these memories were faded and gone? She apparently wasn’t even important for them to consider her feelings. She was just part of the collateral damage. The body nobody cares to bury.

She doesn’t understand, and doesn’t want to understand. But she doesn’t mind too much. It just makes it that much easier to let them go, to say goodbye. Because in every one of her friendships, it’s always a one way street. They talk, she listens and pretends to care. Or maybe she does care. But what does it matter? They always end up betraying her anyways. She lets them go and they turn on her, bitter and vile and full of hatred. Sometimes she wants to lash out, and sometimes she does. She doesn’t hold grudges, but she never forgets. Never forgets the unnecessary pain they caused her. She holds trials in her mind for these criminals and their unforgivable acts, but the verdict never comes back innocent. After all, they don’t deserve to be innocents, these people who backstabbed her and caused her all of this pain. There isn’t much to her trials. They’re straightforward. She weighs the weight of the crime with the benefits of a pardon. It’s just the game of life. You win or you lose, and there isn’t much in between. And losing is unacceptable. She has to win.

But what was she doing, thinking about this? She had chemistry homework to do. Thankfully, she only had simple review problems assigned today – stoichiometry and such. Just eliminating the labels. Simple. Just crossing out an Amy, a Max, a Sarah, a Linda…

204/365 (AP Testing Week)

It makes for the most unproductive classes in every AP class. Then you still get crammed full of work in your Honors/regular courses... xD The calc exam wasn't TOO bad but it was harder than I had expected it to be, which was a bummer. =[ Hopefully I still got my 5 though. Sort of screwed for APUSH. As in majorly. But I KNOW I can pull a 4 and possible a 5, so we'll see... As I've said before, I'm very glad AP scores don't matter in admissions. (I'm also glad that my 2400 does. =P They can see that I'm not a total failure!)

And May the fourth be with you!!!

203/365 (AP Calc AB)

Is it sad that I consider calc to be my easiest AP test? And that I'll feel absolutely destroyed if I don't get a 5 on it? With a 4 on APUSH, chem, and bio, I'd feel fine - slightly disappointed maybe, but fine. With a 4 on calc, I may just go cry in a corner.

202/365 (Puzzle Pirates)

I got addicted. During AP test week. God help me.