Why is it that I feel so guilty sometimes?

Tell me it's real

I find myself sitting here and thinking that there's no way this all could have happened. It's all too ridiculous to be true. And you'll say the same, but a part of me worries that somehow it's all a facade. That I'm just being played, and this is all a game. That you just know what to say, but the words that come out aren't what you mean. Because it's never been like this before, and I don't know how to react.

But that's not who you are, is it? That's not what this is, right?

Sometimes you have to wonder what the point of it all is

And sometimes, that time is at 3:22pm in the office on a Saturday. It's hard to know whether my day-to-day really helps anyone. Does any of it matter? And if it doesn't, does it at least give me the means to give back some other way? 

 These days, I really don't know. Part of me really does believe in this work and in the potential. We've done great things in some places. But we've also had things go nowhere, and I know things have gone poorly as well. 

 Is this where I want to be? Is this where I'm meant to be? And if not, and I'm increasingly thinking not, then where?

A little bit of luck and a lot of love

They always talked about 

The right person 

The right time 

Like people don't grow 

Like time doesn't continue 

Like love isn't a decision

Like you and I were immutable and unmovable

I never liked the idea that

We would be by chance rather than choice

And I strove to

Impose some sense of control

Exert some form of agency

Over who and when

I thought I could think through it all

Like love would be 

The ultimate thought exercise

But here I am

Here we are

And I can't deny the

Unexpectedness

Craziness

The ~story~

Of it all

And even if this is something surprising

Something I

Never would have thought

Never would have foreseen

Never would have planned

I do, in fact, choose it

Erica (pronoun)

Isn't it nice that you can just decide to redefine yourself? Every so often, just make the choice to refocus on different aspects of yourself, whether it's a reimagined emphasis or something completely new?

I oftentimes just sit and think, and overthink, about how other people perceive me, but I sometimes forget that I have ownership over my own story and their view of me as well. We're all authors and storytellers and we can will things into being by believing and working towards them. And while others might be quoted or even editors, no one can solely decide for you what your story says.

Isn't that just such a beautiful reminder? You're a masterpiece and a work in progress all at the same time.

Sometimes I sit here and just marvel at the beautiful souls I've been blessed to get to know - what a wonder

Do I ask for too much? I'm tired of telling myself it'll all be okay

Snippets from the adventure of a lifetime

And it really does surprise me how affected I am, but it will be okay.

Today’s a hollow day for my soul

I get so caught up in the vastness of possibilities that sometimes I forget about the simple pleasures

I spent a long time dreaming of a simple life, just with those I loved and enough to not worry about rent and my next meal, with some extra for the occasional splurge. I'm beyond that, but now I find my soul oftentimes yearning for so much more. I'll keep seeking that balance, and pray for peace

And each of these moments is a reminder that I’m still a work in progress

Over a decade later, I’m still learning to love myself so that I can love my neighbor. But what beautiful masterpieces we’ll all be in the end

I wish these moments would last forever. I’ve taken it as a given they won’t, but is there a reason they can’t?

Federal funding impacts on research

Honestly, I'm absolutely gutted. I remember the anxiety and fear I experienced in 2016 when the administration floated the idea that the subsidized graduate student tuition would be treated as taxable income, and now, 8 years later, so many of my friends who recently finally got faculty positions are considering leaving academia to industry because of lack of funding

Half a decade of graduate school, more of postdoc-ing, just to be told you won't be able to feasibly financially sustain the lab you worked so hard to establish. Not to mention some graduate students are having their offers rescinded because of lack of funding.

I knew this would be a hard time (and has been) for science, but this really breaks my heart. We'll be feeling the effects of this for decades to come.