Afraid to Love? (Or Like. Whatever)

So anyways, tons of people are matching up lately, and its ADORABLE! But then I got around to thinking about exactly why I haven't really been into being in a relationship myself. Don't get me wrong, being single's pretty damn awesome, but I just feel as if there's something bugging me about dating, I guess? I'm not really sure. I'm probably just overthinking it. (Oh and for those of you who might know, it's got nothing to do with that thing in middle school. That was lame, and totally shouldn't even count. Actually, I don't think I'm even going to count it. -shrugs-)

But then I guess it's probably because of all these dramas I watch and, indirectly, my sister's exes, which (most) all seem amazing. I just feel like maybe I'm waiting around for a guy who'll never come? Like, I really, sincerely doubt there's a drama guy in this world. But then I swear I've met a few... Ah well. I don't know, this is confusing.
I feel like maybe I need to see how sweet and caring a guy is before I'd consider going out with him though... Like, I'm just such a mushy romantic that if a guy has no tact or whatever, I'd probably be really really disappointed, even if I did like him...

Then there's that whole insecurity thing too. Mine, I mean. (Surprised? Every girl's insecure, trust me. At some level. xD Maybe deep deep DEEP down inside.) Like, I'm generally perfectly fine with who I am, and I figure my friends are too (I hope?). But I've been told by people I know and love that I'm not good enough, and that's what kills me. If I don't know you and you insult me, screw you b*tch, who cares? But if you're someone I trust and count on, and you tell me something like that... It really hurts, you know? And sometimes, if I don't do well at something or am just down that day, just sometimes I start to believe you. And it doesn't help much that it usually rears its ugly head every time I'm disappointed in myself. This kind of stuff can really scar a person. You've got to realize that. Maybe I just won't be good enough for someone. They've only known me from a distance, who's to say they actually know anything about me?
And that's one of the main reasons that I probably won't ever go out someone I barely know. I won't do that to get to know them. It's not so much for my benefit (although it is too; I just feel weird if I was to be dating someone I rarely see before) as it is for theirs, to sort of see that I might not be the person they think I am.

But yeah... I don't know.
Well, in the end, it'd not like I can choose who to like. So, I guess I'll just wait and see...

Friday ~ Schoolgirl (Uniform)

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Today was pretty fun in the dressing up aspect. Actually, today was pretty fun overall. So, first comment I get at school is (from Lynette, a office lady I TA for), "Oh my gosh, you look so cute! You look just like a schoolgirl!" I was so amazingly happy, because that meant my outfit actually works. =P Then we got into a discussion about plaid skirts and how they're cute, but people don't usually wear them because they're more like uniform-cute than just going out cute. SO that was pretty interesting. TA wasn't too busy today either, so it was nice. =P
Math was hecka easy. Reviewing permutations and combinations. =D It's sad how I did my Turbeville project on them last year, yet don't even remember the formulas. xD Oh well. So I got to finish all my math homework in class, and just talked to people and texted during tutorial.Break was pretty awesome. I ate three cupcakes, because Clarie made a huge batch for Mindy's birthday. Then I saved one for lunch. =P I think vanilla works better for cake... I don't really like chocolate cupcakes... Brownies are good though! I guess it's just the texture and stuff.
English was boring, like always. We did these grammar worksheets and talked about initiation rites, then read a story about a sort of self-initiation. Ah well. I finished my grammar worksheet that was supposed to be homework in that class too.
So during lunch, Clarie was talking about how her friend thought she looked like someone in a drama, so we took our regular spirit week pictures, then we took fail drama pics. Clarie's actually really good at posing for drama pics; I just look... weird. xD Oh well. It was fun. Then Shannie and Lisa and I waiting around the library a little bit to see if the stupid loser who was teasing Lisa would show up. Obviously didn't. Coward. -.-Euro was boring; we went over the test, which I didn't do TOO bad on, though I wish I could have done better. I DID barely get an A- with the weird point add thing he does though, and so now I have a 90% in the class. Just in time for quarter grades. Which are more like progress reports, but whatever. Then we watched "Saving Private Ryan." =D Interesting, but I was more preoccupied with chucking around paper airplane notes and talking about hermaphrodites and "the first thing that pops up." I love you Shannie! =P

So anyways, I have no homework for odd days! Just physics (-sighs- just...) and French!

*****

Chinese school was pretty awesome. It's always amazing because every Friday, I don't want to go to Chinese school, but then afterwards, I'm so glad I went. So we read some lessons, which was boring, then took a test. Open-book, thank goodness. But I couldn't get some of the fill-in ones, so I asked our (substitute) teacher, and she basically just gave me all the answers. xD Then I -cough- "helped" -cough- Michael and Kim.
And Stanley kept bugging me to give him some of my chewy SweetTart minis, which he so amazingly referred to as "balls," since they're shaped that way. So it was like, "You don't need that many balls, give me some!" and "Give me your balls!" Yeah. Oh, and when I was playing games on his iTouch, he went, "You have like 50 balls in your pocket, you have enough games to play!" Amazingly disturbing, but that's just Stanley for you. xD
Then afterwards, I played (and beat) Stanley and Daniel at Tap Tap on medium and extreme respectively. It was pretty cool, even though I totally failed at extreme. I beat Daniel by about 5k and Stanley by 50k (what a fail). And Lance found this block of something (presumably lead?), and handed it to me, but since it looked like plastic and not all that heavy, I only reached out with one hand... And when he let go, my arm literally just started lowering to the ground. Rapidly. xD Then Daniel came over and I did the same thing to him. And for some strange reason, we washed our hands near the end of class. Don't ask me why, I have no idea. xD

*****

So yep, my day was pretty damn awesome! Great way to end the week. =D

Thursday ~ Nerdy

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Well today was interesting. I got my suspenders snapped quite a few times from myriad people. But it was amusing.
I got an A on my physics test! Well, an A-, but it's close enough! I was so happy! Nerd vibes from my outfit for the win! (Even though I didn't do so hot on the French test... Ah well, ignoring that...)
Not much happened today; my nerd outfits just warranted quite a few weird looks, both from people I know, and people I don't. But people are FINALLY realizing that I'm dressing up for a personal spirit week, and not just because I'm weird and felt like it. I had a few people ask me what tomorrow was going to be. I guess they'll just have to see. ;D
But tomorrow's the last day of the spirit week; it's sort of depressing... Back to normal outfits next week... Ah well. But after tomorrow, one more week until a WHOLE WEEK of freedom! Heck yeahhhh!!! =D Peace (Spock) out!

Wednesday ~ Pajamas

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Sadly, none of my teachers found my awesome pajama outfit particularly amusing, and so none of them let me sleep in class... -sighs- Ah well, I didn't really have to get dressed today! (By the way, I don't actually wear that eye-cover thingymabobber when I sleep. xD)

Tuesday ~ Preppy

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So anyways, here's my preppy outfit! Apparently I'm better at being gangsta than preppy though (my friend so graciously said I look like a seven year-old). Oh well, I'm fine with being more from the hood than from the mall. =P

Monday ~ Gangster

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So yeah, this was definitely fun. I had a few of my friends actually come up to me and say, "You look gangsta" so I guess I didn't do half bad. xD This whole spirit week thing is so much fun; I can't believe I never thought of it before! But anyways, the rest won't be so exciting except for Thursday, and maybe Friday, depending on how well we do this. So yep, this brightens up my test-riddled week!

Personal Spirit Week!

Clarie and I are having a personal spirit week this week, and it's going to be AWESOME! Here's our schedule:

Monday ~ Gangster
Tuesday ~ Preppy
Wednesday ~ Pajamas!
Thursday ~ Nerdy
Friday ~ Schoolgirl

It's going to be awesome! And now I need to go watch New Moon with my sister. And listen to her obsess. xD

San Francisco!

So anyways, I woke up at 5:00am this morning to go volunteer. xD It took us a while to figure out how to use the BART ticket machine; it was sad. And then both Clarie and I got $3.90 in change. Like, in quarters and a nickel and dime.
So it was really interesting, because the first person we see when we get off BART at Powell and head towards Glide is this obviously drunk woman staggering around, so everyone moves to the right side, and she stumbles past us, saying rather loudly, "I'm not drunk!" SO yeah, that was... interesting.
Glide was actually pretty fun. It felt nice to be helping people, although it was slightly depressing to see how many poor/homeless people there are in a single city. And they probably don't even account for half of the actual homeless population... I felt so bad when I saw little kids getting served there... Like there were two seven year olds (or so) and I was just so depressed that they would have to grow up without a home... And I saw a ton of homeless people when I wandered around SF later on, and I gave a dollar to this one guy with a sign, but I sort of think I should have given more...
But I was happy to be able to serve them. And it's amazing how grateful they are when you hand them a tray of food (even if it's not exactly... appetizing? They just got a piece of fruit, eggs, bread, and I think grits. And the eggs were obviously made from a powder). But they usually thank you and everything, it just made me so happy to be able to see how much they appreciate everything when most people who have a home, good food, family, and everything other basic need take it all for granted.
So today, I basically just served a ton of food, prepared trays, and cut up carrots. Carrots were by far the most fun aspect, but definitely not the most meaningful. It was pretty enjoyable though. =P

*****

Clarie and I went to Chinatown afterward. We went to Quickly's, but it didn't open until 11am (an hour and a half after we got there), so we went to the pet store (which didn't open until 10am), and hung around there for a while. They had chinchillas! They were absolutely ADORABLE!!! And they had bichon frise puppies, and tiny little baby Robo hamsters, and lots of really pretty fish, and colorful (albeit annoying) parrots.
Quickly's was good. I'm getting Jasmine Milk Green now. It's so yummy!
We saw these sunglasses too, but the lady was selling them for a ridiculous price, especially since they probably weren't very good quality, so we just left. Then afterward, we realized that we should have bargained, so we headed back, but along the way, found another stall with the same style of glasses, but they were like, half the price. So obviously we bought them there. (And I pretended to "steal" Clarie's black glasses later on and she got SO pissed.)

*****

Then we decided to walk to Japantown, but it took a while since we sort of overshot it. We didn't even know how to get there at first, so we asked these people with a map, and they had an extra one, so they gave us a map! It was pretty awesome. It's so sad though, we live near there yet don't know how to walk from Chinatown to Japantown... And on the way, we saw Pink Bunny, Terry, and Kevin sitting along, and they wanted to go too, so we decided to go together. But then they wanted to take a cab, so Clarie and I ditched them... And STILL got to Japantown before they did. To their credit though, they walked too. But I guess they were tired or something. So Clarie and I sat under the peace pagoda for like, 10 minutes waiting for them. And meanwhile, we just took off some layers, since we were both wearing two actual shirts (plus a cami for Clarie). But they decided to go eat once we got inside, so we ditched them again.
So we just wandered around Japantown for a while and looked at the stuff there, which, by the way, is adorable and so freaking awesome, but amazingly expensive as well. They have awesome stuff though! Like their pens are amazing, and everything is SO CUTE! Like their stuffed animals/cartoon characters, and T-shirts, and everything! We're going to go back and buy crepes and take pictures at PikaPika over the summer. =D

*****

Afterward, it was already like, 3pm, so we decided to go to Westfield Mall, and this was the point where Clarie got hella pissed at me for "stealing" her glasses. It was more just like we switched. And the glasses are the exact same except one's blue and one's black. I just wanted to see how pissed she would get, and how long it would take her to calm down. And she got REALLY pissed and wouldn't have calmed down if I hadn't told her I was kidding. Like I said we'll go back to Chinatown and switch the blue ones for black ones, and walked off in that direction, but after a while, she didn't follow me, and I went back to look for her, but I couldn't find her because apparently she walked off in the other direction.
So I crossed the street and found the BART station first, just in case she actually did ditch me and like, left. (See? I do have some street smarts! I can fend for myself! Sort of.) Then I tried to find her again and was freaking out because I had the map and she doesn't have the best directional skills ever. And she doesn't automatically ask people for directions if she needs them. So I slightly panicked for a while until I calmed myself down and just waited at the street corner by BART, because I figured she'd have to pass somewhere near here. And I saw her pretty soon, and you could tell she was still pissed at me. =P But after I got her to cross the street and gave her back to glasses, she calmed down. It was amazing how mad she got over a pair of sunglasses (not even, just the color) though! xD

*****

Then we went down to BART and entered Westfield Mall that way. We sort of browsed a tiny bit, but it was getting late and the mall was huge and we didn't know where to go, so we just decided to come back here when we came back over the summer, and left.
So on the BART, it took us forever to find two empty seats by each other. Like, I found a pair of seats, but as we got nearer, it smelled weird and I realized it looked like someone puked on one of the seats and the floor. It was disgusting. But we found some nice, clean seats, and I proceeded to fall asleep until we got back to Dublin/Pleasanton.

*****

So all in all, a pretty fun day, and I can't wait until we go back over the summer!!!

Dang... I Haven't Updated in FOREVER!

Well, ten days, which isn't that long if you think about it, but I usually update my blog every few days. I guess I've just been way too busy lately. I'm actually busy now too, but I don't want to write an essay on choices in French, or do a lab conclusion for chem, or do my homework for physics. xD

So anyways, life's been pretty good. Not too many rough spots lately. Trying to pull up those stupid B's in euro and physics. Ugh. We're starting to have our little French after-school AP exam prep things on Wednesdays now. They're fun, but yet not fun, because they make me realize just how royally screwed I am for the AP exam. -sighs- I just hope I pass...

Brittany, Alex, and I spent like 12 hours (legitimately) doing our physics project yesterday. It took us FOREVER to find the materials and stuff. -sighs- Oh well. I learned how to play pool! =D Even though I still suck at it. =P

*****

Anyways, we've had to make course selections. And with the classes my parents want me to sign up for, I am going to be screwed next year. At least I'll have yoga (probably) or TA as a chilling class though. If I didn't and had some other AP/Honors or even just a regular academic class in place of that, I think I really might just die. So anyways, so far I have Mock Trial (yay!), Honors English 11, AP US History, AP Biology, AP Chemistry, AP Calculus AB, and yoga/TA. So yeah. I think I'm screwed.

So yeah, I'm just sort of taking life as it comes and trying to remember that even after I turn in my course selection sheet tomorrow, I can still go to my counselor and ask for course changes, as long as it's before the summer. It's not a permanent decision. Hopefully. xD

*****

Anyways, for now, I'm taking things one day at a time. I would totally say that this summer, I'm going to cherish my freedom before junior year, but I have SAT prep and all this other crap. High school is amazingly annoying. -.-

Mock Trial: Third in County!

Same as last year! xD But we're going to do even BETTER next year! Heck yesh!]

Anyways, we went to Sweet Tomatoes afterward; that place is yummy! =D Our server was hecka chill too; we gave each other riddles and everything! It was pretty awesome. And we have the cup and "bang bang bang" riddles too, which took me FOREVER to figure out. I felt so stupid afterwards too, but hey, at least I figured it out myself and didn't give up! =D

Anyways, we're going to have another party too! Yay! I ♥ Mock Trial!

*****

School is sort of interesting. It's wayyy harder than I expected high school to be, but at the same time, it's easier. Like, I thought I'd be pulling all-nighters and everything, but I'm not (at least, not yet). And on the other hand, the material is just so confusing sometime, I get SO frustrated!

Oh well, I guess that comes with life in general. =P

Chinese school was pretty boring today. We didn't do much besides taking notes and doing homework. Ah, well I guess every class has those days. xD

Yay! Fun Day Today! =D

Anyways, Clarie and I went to the mall today and got a pair of red/black plaid flats and pink Airwalks for $17!!! Yay! And if you think that's a weird choice of shoes, trust me, it's for a project we're working on, not just because we wanted those shoes. xD Then we just shopped around and got TuttiMelon! Pomegranate + mango + original tart flavored frozen yogurt = ♥!
Then we just went to Michael's, Ross, and Marshall's just to shop around for more stuff (for our project ;D) a bit more.

And I came home, finished up piano, and totally ignored homework and watched Pokemon! I just started at the Sinnoh League, even though I never finished like, the three seasons before that. xD But I wanted to see Dawn, and it's pretty interesting so far! Well, I'm back to the episodes! Bye! =P

I ♥ Chinese School

Why yes, I DID just say that I ♥ Chinese School. And no, I'm not going crazy. At least any crazier than normal.

But anyways, today was awesome! Michael, Lance, Jimmy and I had this eraser throwing fight, and it was hella fun! Sort of dangerous too, but no one got hit in the face, so... xD

And then we (Michael, Kim, Lance, and I) played this game where it's like someone writes a sentence, passes it on, the next person draws a picture based on the sentence (then folds over the sentence), the next person writes a sentence on the picture, and so on. It was SO messed up! It's way more fun with lots of people, but we came up with some rather interesting "stories."

Then we acted out this Chinese lesson which was RETARDED but it was pretty fun too. =P

And according to Michael, I have Down syndrome. -shrugs- Oh well. xD

But Chinese school was pretty dang awesome today! I remember why I have dealt with 2 hours of it every week for the past... 9 years. Yay!

*****

Then my day in general was just awesome. It started off sort of bad, since I was TA-ing and didn't see people that were signing in, so the office lady got a bit annoyed with me...

But then during math, we learned stuff that I learned on my own the class before (since the stuff we learned the class before was wayyy easy), so I just sort of took crappy notes and doodled. Then when we had like an hour left to do homework (including 30 minutes of tutorial), I just talked to people about random stuff. =P

We didn't do anything in English either. We "discussed" chapters 11 and 12 of All Quiet on the Western Front. Technically we went over themes of the book, and symbols. Which was self-explanatory pretty much. Then we watched this HELLA stupid war movie that was more funny than like... showing the horror of war. xD

We watched a movie in Euro too. Well, a documentary-movie. It was actually interesting, but Alex and I just played games on my Touch. xD Got the internet WiFi code too! I would post it on here (have it memorized already! =D), but I don't exactly feel like typing out all those numbers and giving the pass to that many people. So, ask me for it, and if I actually talk to you and know you, and know that you aren't just talking to me because you want the pass, you'll get it. =P

I Miss My Little Kid Days...

...When all you had to worry about was if you'd get in the lunch line fast enough on Friday's to get a slice of pepperoni Domino's pizza. -sighs- I miss the days without Honors/AP classes... And stress... And amazing drama... And when I didn't even have to think to get A's (or technically 4's) in all my classes... Ah well. Enough of this madness! Back to Euro notes! ...-sighs-

★ Undefeated As Of Yet! ★

So anyways, go Cal High Mock Trial! 4-0!!! Definitely one of the top two spots in the quarter finals; just have to see the points between us and Miramonte. It's going to be awesome! Anyways, we rock! We DEFINITELY killed tonight! =D

Edit: First seat going into quarter finals! We're ahead of Miramonte!!!

Girls Are So Weird...

...And yes, I am aware that I'm a girl. But I'm talking stereotypical prep girl. Like the kind that wears tons of makeup and brings it all to school. Like the kind that wears heels to school regardless of the fact that she has to walk up three flights of stairs in order to get to class. Like that kind.

Anyways, first point: makeup. I don't get the point of wearing it. Seriously? Like okay, blush, lip gloss, sure. You put eyeliner or mascara on me, I can guarantee you that by the end of the day, it'll look like I have two black eyes from how much I randomly touch my eyes throughout the day. Plus that stuff is SO HARD to remove. I'd rather no deal with that, thanks.
Anyways, I bring this up because we had a HUGE theft at school today. The girls' locker room literally got TRASHED. Thankfully I don't have PE this semester, because I've been hearing that the girls' locker room is getting raided a lot. But my best friend lost her cell phone, and lots of people lost money and stuff. But the thief stole tons of makeup. Like, hundreds of dollars worth apparently. Which is lame, because I don't get why anyone would bring that much makeup to school anyways, but... Yeah it's retarded. If I get my hands on the girl (presumably at least, why else would they steal makeup?) who did this, I will need to exercise quite a bit of self-control in order to refrain from beating her up and cussing her out. What a loser.

Okay heels. Not so big of a problem, like they make you taller (which I sort of need), but those things KILL your feet. I swear, I was changing into my Mock Trial outfit for our competition today, and I had to walk down three flights of stairs, and by the end I was like, "I am NEVER doing that again. I'm taking my shoes off before I walk down." xD And my feet are still sore from all the walking around we did in Martinez to get food (yummy!) and stuff. I don't care if they make me taller. I dislike them. So yeah, I guess you get used to it over time, but I just wouldn't even bother. Short periods of time I can handle, but if I need to wear them the whole day... Plus, you can't run in heels. And that sort of sucks.

So yeah, I don't get girls. I don't really get guys either. But I actually sort of sympathize more with the average guy than the average girl. Like sure, I'm a mushy romantic, and I like looking nice and stuff, but I don't know. The way guys act sometimes makes WAY more sense to me than the way girls act. Call me weird, but hey. Just how I feel.

*****

Anyways, the Mock Trial competition today went pretty well. We went to McDonald's before, yay! Go fatties! xD Then Lana, Lisa, Marc's mom, and I all went to this place and got fried rice. =P We were going to go to Lana's old hideout (this little Japanese restaurant), but it wasn't open yet. =( But yeah, we got fortune cookies and everything, it was cool.

The actual trial was... interesting. I really don't think Heritage was prepared enough... They were on notes, one of their experts (Detective Malone) said "I don't know" about four times throughout his DIRECT, and their attorneys stumbled on questions (and occasionally forgot them). Oh, and their clerk (the timer) was so off the whole time. She kept getting time signals wrong, or forgot to give them totally. My favorite part by far though?

"OBJECTION! Counsel is blocking my view of the witness!"

Yeah. Not a valid objection. But it was hilarious, and the judge overruled it really fast, but when it came time for him to redirect, the judge was like, "Feel free to block counsel's view of the witness now." xD

My direct went really well (I would be depressed if it hadn't, given the amount of time I spent running through it with Lana), but the cross was weird. Like, it wasn't a hard cross per say, it was just... weird. Like, random questions that you wouldn't bring up because they're sort of irrelevant... But I don't know. And then the opposing attorney kept talking to me with this fake smile on her face like she was trying to make me feel stupid, which sort of pissed me off. So according to Nick, Julia, and Shezaf, my cross was like a catfight. xD Like I was talking all respectfully but I guess you could tell that in my mind I was like, "What. The. Hell." I think I did pretty well with my facts though; I just have to tone down the attitude. I tripped her up a few times though, because some of her questions were sort of stupid or really vague... And then she got some facts wrong, so I had to correct her. Ah well...

The judge ruled in our (the defense's) favor, but we're waiting for score sheets to come out tomorrow. I'm sort of nervous given my whole cross attitude thing... But I think I did okay...

Then Lisa and I went to In-N-Out afterwards and pigged out on more fast food. Yay! =D